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Goodbye Jesus

A Letter To My Past Self.


lethargicsweetheart

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Dear me,

Oh, dear past self. You were so full of hope. You saw the world for everything it wasn't, didn't you? There was always a reason, a blessing in it all. You told yourself that faith would get you through anything.

Didn't you?

You told yourself that "god" would protect your fragile little heart.

Didn't you?

Every unfortunate event was strictly because you didn't have enough faith. The fights with friends and family, they were your fault. It was because you didn't believe hard enough, wasn't it? When things got tough at home, it was your fault, your lack of faith that caused it. The brutal beatings and rape that destroyed your sanity into shards, it was all your fault, wasn't it? The psychosis. The self harm. The PTSD. It was all your fault. You didn't have enough faith.

Right?

Oh, dear past self. How naive and broken you were. Anything that went wrong was your god's way of punishing you for NOT BELIEVING HARD ENOUGH.

Is that it? Every night you would lay I'm bed too scared to go to sleep; every time your cries were smothered by a fist and blackened eyes; every time he came into your room and crawled into your bed, taking everything you were before you were even old enough to know what he was doing or why it hurt so bad, THAT was your god? That was his eternal love, his way of saying that he loved and cared for you? His punishment for not BELIEVING hard enough, even though you had "enough faith to move mountains"?

You were scared of hell. You were scared to leave your fucking god behind, that was it. Oh, dear past self. What were you thinking? You went through hell every night, but you were still too scared to let go of that twisted doctrine of the sky god who would save you from your worthless self.

Weren't you?

You've spent so many years believing, but it was never enough for your god. You were sinful. You needed to be punished. Didn't you?

Wrong.

You had no control. And THAT is the poison of religion. Oh, dear past self; don't you see? Did you really believe that shit? Did you really KNOW in your heart that god was out there loving you, sitting in the sky watching you be tormented day after day? That he was going to swoop down and save his children one day, but until then, watch them suffer? Because if this god is watching death, torture, and suffering every fucking day from his big throne in the sky, letting it all happen, then I have news for you- THERE IS NO GOD.

Period. End of story. And amen.

Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

-Lethargicsweetheart

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smile.png

 

I've read other people as well talk about how repeated abuse of a child tells us that if God exists, God is OK with it. Theologians put spin on this. That's their job; they are paid to argue how bad is really good in Godtalk, and good is bad.

 

welcome again, and happy new year!

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Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

 

Thanks for sharing this with us. Many can relate to different abuses coming from dysfunctional families. None of it was your fault. My dad once blamed me for my mom and dads marriage breaking up because mom had to get married as she was pregnant with me. He was very drunk when he said it, but still as a young girl, I took it very seriously and I carried that for a long time.

 

I'm so sorry for what you have been though and I hope you are getting professional help because the 'sting of dysfunction' can last a lifetime if you don't understand that it was the actions of supposedly mature people who did this to you. They have ruined your trust and you need to learn how to trust yourself and NEVER let anyone hurt you again. This is how you will eventually learn to forgive yourself. Keep posting sweetie. If we can help you, we will try.

 

Again, we always recommend  at Ex-c that you find a really good secular councilor to help you along.

 

Big (hug)

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Thank you so much for sharing this, LSH. Wow - it was very moving. I know you're not asking for sympathy, but I too am so sorry for all you've had to go through. Even non-Christian forms of belief in God would have a very difficult time explaining how what you experienced could happen in a theistic world. Welcome

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...Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

-Lethargicsweetheart

 

Just a thought, but are you sure past self needs to be forgiven?

Past self survived long enough to hand the reigns over to present self, counting on present self to make life better for future self. Past self sounds like a pretty tough cookie to survive and withstand the thoughts and situations she was presented with and get you this far.  

 

I hope you stick around here a while, Lethargicsweetheart, and post more. 

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:)

 

I've read other people as well talk about how repeated abuse of a child tells us that if God exists, God is OK with it. Theologians put spin on this. That's their job; they are paid to argue how bad is really good in Godtalk, and good is bad.

 

welcome again, and happy new year!

Thank you :) Happy New Years!!

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Thank you so much for sharing this, LSH. Wow - it was very moving. I know you're not asking for sympathy, but I too am so sorry for all you've had to go through. Even non-Christian forms of belief in God would have a very difficult time explaining how what you experienced could happen in a theistic world. Welcome

Thank you. It was such a big step forward by realizing that my bible was against me in it all. I'm so happy to be here.

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...Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

-Lethargicsweetheart

 

 

Just a thought, but are you sure past self needs to be forgiven?

Past self survived long enough to hand the reigns over to present self, counting on present self to make life better for future self. Past self sounds like a pretty tough cookie to survive and withstand the thoughts and situations she was presented with and get you this far.  

 

I hope you stick around here a while, Lethargicsweetheart, and post more.

Awe, thank you! That's very uplifting. I'm glad you shared that. It really makes me feel better
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Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

 

Thanks for sharing this with us. Many can relate to different abuses coming from dysfunctional families. None of it was your fault. My dad once blamed me for my mom and dads marriage breaking up because mom had to get married as she was pregnant with me. He was very drunk when he said it, but still as a young girl, I took it very seriously and I carried that for a long time.

 

I'm so sorry for what you have been though and I hope you are getting professional help because the 'sting of dysfunction' can last a lifetime if you don't understand that it was the actions of supposedly mature people who did this to you. They have ruined your trust and you need to learn how to trust yourself and NEVER let anyone hurt you again. This is how you will eventually learn to forgive yourself. Keep posting sweetie. If we can help you, we will try.

 

Again, we always recommend  at Ex-c that you find a really good secular councilor to help you along.

 

Big (hug)

Thanks girl Unfortunately I can't get professional help until I move out because my parents don't believe me. But I'll definitely be getting help asap
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Welcome to the bastion of sanity. I can relate on your post about forgiving your past self of losing so many years to religion and it's poisons. I ministered it for five years, not to mention the years of church and many other lost hopes and dreams.

Hopefully you can move forward as time allows, and once things settle down, find someone who can help with the future.

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Oh, dear past self. How will I ever forgive you? All those lost years. What were you thinking?

 

 

Oh god, I ask this question so often! How could I have thrown the best years of my life into an inferno that gobbled it up and gave me back nothing? I too need to forgive myself.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hi lethargicsweetheart,

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, you're sharing the room while a whole bunch of people who were screwed over by their past selves. Human beings are fragile creatures with vulnerable minds. I'm sorry for what happened to you but I'm confident of this - if you have the strength to leave the vacuous God of Christianity behind then you also have the strength to overcome these past hurts. Be strong and know that you are the star of your own show.

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In a combox somewhere, I posted some lines from Tim Hardin's song:

 

"be not too hard, for life is short, 

and nothing is given to man."

 

some fundy came on and said that Hardin was a druggie so nothing he said was of any validity.

 

Not so. The faults of the speaker do not nullify truth in the statement.

 

Be not too hard, for life is short, and nothing is given to any of us (well, OK, let's not get literal, it's a song)

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