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Brother Jeff

How to Get Slaved!!

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You need to be slaved, and I praze GAWD that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically convinced you of that fact! Glory! Here's how to get slaved! Let's walk the Romans Road together, shall we? You'll notice that all of the following verses are from the glorious Book of Romans, which is why our journey is said to be on the metaphorical Romans Road! 

 

The first verse on the Romans Road to slavation is Romans 3:23, "For all have done shit that pisses Jesus off, and come short of the glory of Gawd." We have all done shit that pisses Jesus off. We have all done things that are displeasing to the Holy Farter. There is no one who is innocent. Romans 3:10-18 gives a detailed picture of what the shit we do that pisses Him off looks like in our lives. The second Scripture on the Romans Road to slavation, Romans 6:23, teaches us about the consequences of doing shit that pisses Jesus off - "For the wages of doing shit that pisses Jesus off is death; but the magical gift of Gawd is a second magical eternal life after this one is over through Jesus Kryasst our Lord." The punishment that we have earned for doing shit that pisses the Magic Sky Man off is death. Not just physical death, but eternal death! Without Jesus, not only will your physical body die, but your inner spook (the real you) will die too! 

The third verse on the Romans road to slavation picks up where Romans 6:23 left off, "but the magical gift of Gawd is a second magical eternal life after this one is over through Jesus Kryasst our Lord." Romans 5:8 declares, "But Gawd demonstrates how He made love to us from the Sky Kingdom, in that while we were still doing shit that pisses Him off, Kryasst sacrificed Himself to Himself for us." Jesus Kryasst died for us! Jesus' death paid the price to the Sky Him for doing shit that pisses Him off. Jesus' magical undeadening proves that Gawd the Holy Farter accepted Jesus' sacrifice to the Him up there in the Sky as the payment for doing shit that pisses Him off. 

 

The fourth stop on the Romans road to slavation is Romans 10:9, "that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that Gawd magically undeadened Him, you will be slaved." Because of Jesus' sacrifice to the Sky Him on our behalf, all we have to do is believe in Him, trusting His sacrifice to the Sky Him as the payment for doing shit that pisses Him off - and we will be slaved! Romans 10:13 says it again, "for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be slaved." Jesus died to pay the penalty for our having done shit that pisses Him off and rescue us from Himself and the loving flaming torture chamber. Slavation, the forgiveness of having done shit that pissed Him off, is available to anyone who will trust in Jesus Kryasst as their Lord and Slaver. 

 

The final aspect of the Romans road to slavation is the results of slavation. Romans 5:1 has this glorious message, "Therefore, since we have been justified through magical thinking, we have peace with Gawd through our Lord Jesus Kryasst." Through Jesus Kryasst we can have a magical relationship of peace with the Holy Sky Farter. Romans 8:1 teaches us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who participate in the Sky Magic of Kryasst Jesus." Because of Jesus' sacrifice to the Sky Him on our behalf, we will never be condemned for doing shit that pisses Him off. Finally, we have this previous promise of Gawd from Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither friendly spooks nor evil spooks, neither the present nor the future, nor any magical powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all the magical creation, will be able to separate us from the absurd love of Gawd that is in Kryasst Jesus our Lord." 

Would you like to follow the Romans road to slavation? If so, here is a simple prayer you can say. Saying this prayer is a way to declare to Gawd that you are relying on Jesus Kryasst for your slavation. The words themselves will not slave you. Only magical thinking and blind faith in the glorious bullshit about Jesus Kryasst can provide slavation! Say this prayer right now. The Magic Sky Man will hear you and He will slave you and seal your slavation with the version of Himself known as the Holy Spook! Glory! 

 

Click here to hear Brother Jeff preach and pray the glorious prayer below! (Warning: This file was recorded LOUD, so turn your speakers down initially so you can adjust the volume, or risk having Brother Jeff shred your speakers and blow your glorious ass all the way up to the Sky Kingdom at the same time! Glory!) :grin:

O Magic Sky Farter, I know that I have broken your laws and the shit I have done that pisses you off has separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from that shit and stop doing shit that pisses you off. Please forgive me, and help me avoid pissing you off again. I believe that your son who is also somehow magically you, Jesus Kryasst, died for the shit I did that pissed you off, was magically undeadened, is alive and living in the sky, and hears me talking to myself. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my farts from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spook to help me do shit that pleases You, and to do Your kind of shit for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I talk to myself, Amen. Glory! 

 

Congratulations! You just got slaved! Now, don't let the Talking Snake take away your joy! He'll try to tell you that your slavation isn't real, that it's just an emotional thing or that the Gospel, the glorious bullshit about Kryasst, is actually bullshit, but don't believe him! You've put your trust in Kryasst! Rejoice at your victory over the Talking Snake! That talking animal no longer rules your life! Your new Lord is Kryasst, the Magic Sky Man! Glory to GAWD!! 

 

It's important to share your newfound blind faith with someone right away so that Gawd knows you are serious about your decision to get slaved and start living not for yourself or for the Talking Snake, but for HIM, your new Invisible Friend up there in the Sky! Please email me, Brother Jeff, at (EMAIL: jeffreylreid@gmail.com), about your glorious decision for Kryasst! I'll rejoice and glory with you in your slavation! I praze GAWD for magically leading you to this site and this very page you are reading so that you could hear the Gospel and get slaved! GLORY!!

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Obtaining salvation is obviously the whole point of Christianity, but how a person actually accomplishes that is ambiguous at best. In Acts 2:38 the Bible says clearly that baptism washes away our sin, but in Ephensias 2:8-10 baptism isn't even mentioned. In the book of James it says we are saved by faith, but not faith alone. The implication is that "works" are necessary too, but what kind of works & how much work is required is not identified.

 

Now returning to Ephesians the Bible says works are not necessary, so are works necessary or not? Xians will often say James is saying works are proof of faith, but proof to who? God supposedly knows everyone's heart. Is James saying we have to prove we have faith to our fellow believers?  Why would we have to do that, they will not determine our eternal destiny.

 

The Church of Christ approach was to cut & paste what the Bible says is necessary for salvation. They came up with the 5 steps to salvation. 1. Hear the word 2. Believe the word 3. Repent 4. Confess Jesus as Lord & Savior 5. And Be Baptised. 

 

An individual without a bible or the knowledge to find all the relevant scripture that contain the hidden plan of salvation, & then be able to decipher & organize this super secret plan, would be spiritually screwed I assume. One would think God would come up with a simple way to get "saved" but apparently not. 

 

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6 minutes ago, Geezer said:

Obtaining salvation is obviously the whole point of Christianity, but how a person actually accomplishes that is ambiguous at best. In Acts 2:38 the Bible says clearly that baptism washes away our sin, but in Ephensias 2:8-10 baptism isn't even mentioned. In the book of James it says we are saved by faith, but not faith alone. The implication is that "works" are necessary too, but what kind of works & how much work is required is not identified.

 

Now returning to Ephesians the Bible says works are not necessary, so are works necessary or not? Xians will often say James is saying works are proof of faith, but proof to who? God supposedly knows everyone's heart. Is James saying we have to prove we have faith to our fellow believers?  Why would we have to do that, they will not determine our eternal destiny.

 

The Church of Christ approach was to cut & paste what the Bible says is necessary for salvation. They came up with the 5 steps to salvation. 1. Hear the word 2. Believe the word 3. Repent 4. Confess Jesus as Lord & Savior 5. And Be Baptised. 

 

An individual without a bible or the knowledge to find all the relevant scripture that contain the hidden plan of salvation, & then be able to decipher & organize this super secret plan, would be spiritually screwed I assume. One would think God would come up with a simple way to get "saved" but apparently not. 

 

 

I was Church of Christ too, brother!  Was even a deacon for a while, and quit as a deacon when I sensed that I really belonged on the dark side.  Don't you think that there's some appeal to believers in embracing such a narrow path to salvation?  How blessed they feel when the door is so narrow and the vast majority fail to pass through. 

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Many believers put quite a bit of importance on the tenets and rituals of their religious denomination.  That is curious behavior.

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54 minutes ago, ThereAndBackAgain said:

 

I was Church of Christ too, brother!  Was even a deacon for a while, and quit as a deacon when I sensed that I really belonged on the dark side.  Don't you think that there's some appeal to believers in embracing such a narrow path to salvation?  How blessed they feel when the door is so narrow and the vast majority fail to pass through. 

 

That is an interesting thought, but then those of us in the c of c were told constantly we could never be sure we were saved. Therefore we must constantly be vigilant of sin least we become tempted & fall. I eventually decided my chances of making the final cut were slim at best so what was the point of trying to live a sinless life when I knew that wasn't possible. 

 

If hell was likely my eternal destiny why live the rest of my life in fear? 

 

 

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I had an encounter many years ago with a church of Christ friend and his pastor. We were discussing religion, of course, and they shocked the hell out of me when they informed me that I wasn't saved because I hadn't been properly baptized. I had accepted Jesus as my savior, I was Baptized in the Spook and spoke in tongues, I read the Bible frequently, prayed often, worshiped, all that religious stuff... but in their minds I was not saved simply because I hadn't been baptized. They said I was close to being saved, but not there yet.... :o 

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1 hour ago, Brother Jeff said:

I had an encounter many years ago with a church of Christ friend and his pastor. We were discussing religion, of course, and they shocked the hell out of me when they informed me that I wasn't saved because I hadn't been properly baptized. I had accepted Jesus as my savior, I was Baptized in the Spook and spoke in tongues, I read the Bible frequently, prayed often, worshiped, all that religious stuff... but in their minds I was not saved simply because I hadn't been baptized. They said I was close to being saved, but not there yet.... :o 

 

So sorry you had to find out you were't really saved that way. Yep, sadly it's true, The Church of Christ is the one & only true Church of the loving God. If you were never added to the Lord's Church, through a scriptural baptism, sadly you were deceived & therefore never saved. But not to worry none of the Baptist, Methodist, COGIC, Catholics, or anyone else in a denomination church are saved. So sorry, but at least you'll have a lot of company in hell. :)

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You all bring up extremely good points.  However, in my mind, there is one point that concerns the "salvation process" that is so blatantly ridiculous that it defies all logic - how are people who can't read ever supposed to come to know of God's plan of salvation???  Or better yet, how are people who were born into geographic regions and cultures where popular languages aren't spoken, let alone read, ever supposed to come to know of Jesus?  And still better yet, how are people who come from cultural backgrounds that are based on different sets of morals, cultural traditions, belief systems, economic systems, etc. etc. ever supposed to even begin to comprehend any of the messages (even the simple ones) in the Bible that are clearly based upon a mix of ancient middle eastern cultural tradition and western European thinking???

 

I guess they all can burn in hell, right?  Oh, well... 

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2 hours ago, Shinobi said:

You all bring up extremely good points.  However, in my mind, there is one point that concerns the "salvation process" that is so blatantly ridiculous that it defies all logic - how are people who can't read ever supposed to come to know of God's plan of salvation???  Or better yet, how are people who were born into geographic regions and cultures where popular languages aren't spoken, let alone read, ever supposed to come to know of Jesus?  And still better yet, how are people who come from cultural backgrounds that are based on different sets of morals, cultural traditions, belief systems, economic systems, etc. etc. ever supposed to even begin to comprehend any of the messages (even the simple ones) in the Bible that are clearly based upon a mix of ancient middle eastern cultural tradition and western European thinking???

 

I guess they all can burn in hell, right?  Oh, well... 

 

I bet your church was glad you left!  You ask way too many questions that nobody wants to a answer. ??

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7 minutes ago, Geezer said:

 

I bet your church was glad you left!  You ask way too many questions that nobody wants to a answer. ??

 

Ha ha ha! I bet you're right. :D  I actually brought up questions like the ones I mentioned above every now and then.  The leaders in my church would try their best to answer me, but I could tell that my inquiries made them uncomfortable.   They would usually get to the point where they told me something along the lines of, "You just got to have faith."  If they really cared, they might relate a story of how they faced similar doubts when they were young but eventually overcame them with God's help.  Needless to say,  I eventually quit asking those kinds of questions because I knew I was never going to get any straight answers. 

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22 hours ago, Geezer said:

 

So sorry you had to find out you were't really saved that way. Yep, sadly it's true, The Church of Christ is the one & only true Church of the loving God. If you were never added to the Lord's Church, through a scriptural baptism, sadly you were deceived & therefore never saved. But not to worry none of the Baptist, Methodist, COGIC, Catholics, or anyone else in a denomination church are saved. So sorry, but at least you'll have a lot of company in hell. :)

Only True Scotsmen are True.

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