Bless the Lard! I'm a professional evangelist! Glory!

[Brother Jeff]

I’m a professional evangelist. I travel the country — and sometimes the world, when the Lard magically commands it — trusting the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him to magically cause those who hear me preach the Good News, the Glorious Bullshit about Kryasst, to believe and be SLAVED! As I’m sure you know, the most important decision we can make in life is our Sky Decision about who the Lard Jesus is and what we must do to follow Him.

 

I couldn’t believe it when I first heard the Truth that 2000 years before I was born, the Lard Jesus Kryasst sacrificed Himself to Himself on the big giant stick to save me from the Holy Farter version of Himself! I always sensed somehow that something was wrong with me, and when I heard that that “wrongness” was because Adam and Eve killed my inner spook because they ate some magic fruit from a magic tree after listening to a lying talking snake and caused me to do shit that pisses Jesus off, even against my own will — well, it all just suddenly made perfect sense!

 

The Word says that Jesus came to destroy the diabolical magical works of the Talking Snake (which He did when He Croaked in the Spook on the big giant stick), and the Word also says that Kryasst is gonna ride His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom someday very soon to kick the Talking Snake’s ass for good! Glory!

Considering everything that Kryasst has done for me, how can I NOT totally dedicate every moment of my life to Him and His glorious work all around this biblically flat planet? I say without shame or fear of any man that KRYASST IS MY EVERYTHING. He Croaked in the Spook and then Magically Undeadened Himself so that by believing that Glorious Bullshit, I could be SLAVED and go to live with Him in the Sky Kingdom forever after I Croak in the Spook. Hall-lay-LOOH-Yah!!
 

[Shinobi]

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[FoundationOfUnity]

[wakafaka]

That's too funny preach it brother

[MOHO]

Thank a holly hell of a lot, BJ!

 

I just peed myself!

 

[ShakyLady]

This made me smile! Thank you! 

[LogicalFallacy]

Not sure how I missed this, but as always your posts are entertaining and thought provoking Brother Jeff. Keep preaching!  

[ag_NO_stic]

You should record yourself reading this, just so we can hear the accent. xD

[AlienGoddess]

HA HA HA. I feel sorry for Lard that he could be defeated by yummy Spaghetti Monster and silly Auntie Pink Unicorn. Too bad that Prophet Spock, the god of logic can't be here. He was so busy wrestling with Holy Farter. Holy Farter was so idiot and Prophet Spock flushed out him using spaceship airlock. Holy Farter decided to seek revenge by farting putrid smelly gas and then all universe created by his fart. Glory!

[Jesus]

This is brilliant. Your cup runneth over with sarcasm and truth!

[Joshpantera]

Yes, yes, sarcastic indeed.........

 

[Derek]

Hilarious