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Shinobi

10 Simple Steps to Salvation

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10 Simple Steps to Salvation

 

1. First, learn to read in one of the world's more popular languages like English.  You won't be able to "read" about God's plan of salvation for all of humanity which is found in the Bible if you can't read.  (If you speak the tribal language of an indigenous civilization like those found in South America or Africa, the road to salvation may be a bit longer and harder for you than it is for others.  No worries! With enough perseverance anything is possible!)

 

2. Get fully acquainted with Western European cultural traditions and try your best to fully comprehend them or else much of the New Testament won't make sense. It's a good idea to make them your own as well.  It will save you a lot of heartache down the road.

 

3. Get fully acquainted with ancient Middle Eastern cultural traditions and politics.  If you do not take the time to do this, many of the stories found in the Old Testament will not make a whole lot of sense either.

 

4. After you have completed steps 1-3 try your best to play a game of connect the dots.  Try to figure out how the harsh ideals of the Old Testament version of God connect with the more liberal ideals of the New Testament version of God.  (This is hard to do, but with a strong enough imagination and a fair amount of mental gymnastics it is definitely possible.)

 

5. Prepare yourself to reject anything that the people of your tribe, community, and culture may have taught you that contradicts the ideals found in the Bible.  You must to come to the realization that the world you were raised in is a lie - the real truth of reality can only be found in the Bible.  If this seems unfair, all I can tell you to do is to deal with it - life's unfair!

 

6. Pick one of the best ways you've found in the New Testament to achieve salvation.  You can either pray for it, get baptized in water, or get baptized in the spirit.  Many Christians will argue about which is the right way, but with enough luck, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

 

7. Learn about capitalism and taxes.  You'll probably struggle with the idea of paying 10% of all of your income to the church if you don't understand how a system of taxation works.  If you were raised in an economic system other than capitalism, you might have a hard time with this. Fear not, capitalism is the only true economic system, and you will be better off for having embraced its pure ideals!  Plus, you wouldn't want to anger God by stealing from him, now would you???

 

8. The Bible says you have to prove your faith by your works, so your next step is to go out and prove to the world that you really believe.  If you can't find it in your heart to do this, then you might not really have the kind of faith it takes to attain salvation.

 

9. Get really good at the above 9 steps and then attempt to get your friends and family to accept God's plan of salvation as well.  After all, since God made it so darn easy for you to get saved, the least you can do is return the favor by spreading his wonderful message.

 

10.  Finally, learn how to stop thinking for yourself.  This is the hardest part of the plan, but it is the most important.  God loves and values an obedient heart and mind.  Without your blind faith, it is impossible to please him.  Besides, there are people who will always be there to do your thinking for you, like ministers, teachers, authors, evangelists, monks, and priests.  And, if you get good enough at following their teachings, you might just get the opportunity to join their ranks one day.

 

Now, if you can do all of the above ten steps, you will most definitely attain salvation and have a "great" reward awaiting you in a magical place called heaven after you die.

 

Don't give up! At times you might feel like your not in control of your life anymore, but that is just a lie that has been planted in your head by the evil one, Satan.  You've got to keep pressing on.  After all, what is one small lifetime in comparison with the eternal joys that await you after you die?

Good luck! :)

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27 minutes ago, Lavendula said:

Beautiful.

 

Thank you, Lavendula! :)  I was thinking about all of the struggles I had to go through to maintain my faith back when I was a Christian, and this list just kind of came to me. Nice to meet you by the way!

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Nice to meet you, too! I really thought that was a great summary, and very poignant in its sad truthfulness.

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Clever and funny at the same time.  That's a good combination.

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1 hour ago, sdelsolray said:

Clever and funny at the same time.  That's a good combination.

 

Thanks, sdelsolray! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D

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One other item that you might consider for your list. A believer must accept they will live in constant fear they have failed to do enough to please God, and that means they may not be saved. The system was rigged so a believer can never be certain that they are truly saved. 

 

And even though the Bible says God will forgive & FORGET your sins that apparently isn't really true. You see there is going to be something called a final Judgement & the Bible indicates all of your sins are going to be revisited again on the Day of Judgement. Therefore, it would seem Hell is pretty much everyone's final destiny when it's all over and done with. 

 

So, you might want to consider just having as much fun as you can & enjoy life until you die & join all your family & friends in Hell which seems to be inevitable if the Bible is literally true.

 

  • So, Party on Sinners! :68::beer::58:

 

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3 hours ago, Geezer said:

One other item that you might consider for your list. A believer must accept they will live in constant fear they have failed to do enough to please God, and that means they may not be saved. The system was rigged so a believer can never be certain that they are truly saved...

 

So, true.  I lost count of all of the times that I sat alone in my room wondering if I was truly saved or not.  When I was young, just the thought of it used to send me into long bouts of depression. However, as I got older, I became somewhat numb to the idea that I might not be saved because I came to the realization that there wasn't much more that I could possibly do to prove my sincerity to God.  Come to think of it, that is also about the same time that I seriously started questioning my faith, my religion, and the life I had been leading altogether.  I guess it just got to the point that I couldn't psychologically and emotionally take much more of the guilt, the fear, and the general feeling of never being 100% sure about anything...

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More evidence that the scriptures were man-made. On one hand salvation is this way, on the other hand it's thatta way. Each branch of belief is just certain because of some verses that it's this way, and others are just as certain because of other verses that it's thatta way. Even so, most believers go through paroxysms of shame and guilt, then another honeymoon phase of pursuing god. When one tries to cure being a normal human with promises from a god that were really written by humans, one remains a normal human. That is ever so depressing when one believes that "the old has gone, the new has come" "You shine out like stars in the blackest darkness" "you are born of incorruptible seed" and so on. That is why I felt such peace upon de-converting. The whole set of lies I'd believed went silent and only reality remained (though the old lies still bubble up now and then).

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5 hours ago, Fuego said:

More evidence that the scriptures were man-made. On one hand salvation is this way, on the other hand it's thatta way. Each branch of belief is just certain because of some verses that it's this way, and others are just as certain because of other verses that it's thatta way. Even so, most believers go through paroxysms of shame and guilt, then another honeymoon phase of pursuing god. When one tries to cure being a normal human with promises from a god that were really written by humans, one remains a normal human. That is ever so depressing when one believes that "the old has gone, the new has come" "You shine out like stars in the blackest darkness" "you are born of incorruptible seed" and so on. That is why I felt such peace upon de-converting. The whole set of lies I'd believed went silent and only reality remained (though the old lies still bubble up now and then).

You are so right.  I felt the exact same way when I was finally able to let go of the Christian belief system.  For me, it just got to the point that I couldn't understand why God would demand that his followers remain in a constant state of confusion riddled with anxiety and fear.  Salvation is supposedly so simple that even a child can understand it, but the truth of the matter is that everything that comes along with saying the sinner's prayer is extremely difficult.  It is difficult to relate the archaic teachings of the Old and New Testament with the world we live in now.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to bridge the gaps between science and religion.  It is difficult to constantly have to reinterpret certain sections of the Bible into something more human-friendly and rational so that you don't feel like a complete freak for believing in any of it. For example, we don't go around stoning our children to death in the modern age just because they were disobedient, yet the God of the Bible clearly commands us to.  It is difficult to make sense of the seemingly endless contradictions that are riddled all throughout the Bible.  It is difficult to have to explain to your non-believing friends why you feel the need to view everything that happens in life and in the world within a Biblical context when there is clearly no logical or rational reason to.  The list goes on and on...  

 

In short, trying to conform ones life completely to the standards found in the Bible is illogical and irrational at best, and it's pure insanity at worst.  The Bible is most definitely the product of flawed humans who had an agenda to push.  An all knowing and loving God could not possibly have been behind the authorship of such a poorly put together literary work - unless of course he were evil and he did it just to play a trick on his followers for laughs...   Either way, outside of an academic and historical context, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of it anymore.

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2 hours ago, Shinobi said:

The Bible is most definitely the product of flawed humans who had an agenda to push.  An all knowing and loving God could not possibly have been behind the authorship of such a poorly put together literary work - unless of course he were evil and he did it just to play a trick on his followers for laughs...

 

Most definitely...

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