Dating As An Ex-Christian

[skysoar15]

Out of curiosity, what were your experiences dating as an ex-Christian?

I've actually oddly enough never been on a date.

 

Before I committed myself to Christianity in college, I wasn't even sure how to go about dating in high school.

What are some of you guys' experiences?

 

At the end of the day, it's just getting to know another person.

Yet when I became a Christian, dating was usually equated to 'finding out if that person is right for a marriage partner.'

It made dating the girls in the college ministry usually impossible for me.

 

One of the nice things now is that I can just befriend a woman without demanding these huge commitments from her.

Not to mention that I can approach an attractive woman without fear of 'her salvation.'

[Guest]

Sky,I recommend you post this question under exC life forum. This forum doesn't get much traffic.

[TrueFreedom]

19 hours ago, Faithfulless said:

Sky,I recommend you post this question under exC life forum. This forum doesn't get much traffic.

I moved it.  If the discussion steers to sex I can move it back.  In my experience, most women in their 30s and 40s tend to want a serious relationship.  I let them know upfront that I'm not religious.  It may be different for men or younger women.

[skysoar15]

At this point I definitely need to figure myself out before just leaping into something serious.

 

I'm still recovering from the pov of settling down young. A good chunk of the Christians I know are already married at my age. Dating was always supposed to see if a person was marriage material. Im not used to NOT thinking that way.

 

Many of them get engaged within 6 months to 1 year of getting to know each other. Its sort of ridiculous. 

 

Dating just to...well, date has become a foreign concept to me.  

 

Taking my time with this subject.

[nutrichuckles93]

I feel you on that one. My wife and I began dating 18 months before we found became Christians (read Feeling Trapped in testimonies). By the time I married her, we'd been together exactly three years. Quite an anomaly in evangelical churches. My friend began dating and married his wife in less than 9 months total without living together. It was ridiculous. But as the Babble says, "better to marry than burn with list."

[Travi]

Living in Kentucky, aka the Bible Belt, it is VERY tough to date as an ex-christian. I had one girl a couple years ago that I spoke with, who was all into me about how cute I was, how good I seemed to be, and such a person was most certainly a moral man of God. I told her I was not religious, but thanked her in that I tried to be a good person regardless.

Her tune did a 180, and told me that Satan's influence on me was very powerful and I nearly deceived her. She quickly stated that she retracted all statements and said she would ask for forgiveness in praising Satan's own disciple. Added she would pray for me in that I become a man of God soon, for my own sake.

Yep. Kintuckee...

[skysoar15]

5 minutes ago, nutrichuckles93 said:

I feel you on that one. My wife and I began dating 18 months before we found became Christians (read Feeling Trapped in testimonies). By the time I married her, we'd been together exactly three years. Quite an anomaly in evangelical churches. My friend began dating and married his wife in less than 9 months total without living together. It was ridiculous. But as the Babble says, "better to marry than burn with list."

Mmhmm. The "burn with lust" part really gets me. It's the number one reason why everyone around me seems to be rushing for marriage."

[skysoar15]

1 minute ago, Travi said:

Living in Kentucky, aka the Bible Belt, it is VERY tough to date as an ex-christian. I had one girl a couple years ago that I spoke with, who was all into me about how cute I was, how good I seemed to be, and such a person was most certainly a moral man of God. I told her I was not religious, but thanked her in that I tried to be a good person regardless.

Her tune did a 180, and told me that Satan's influence on me was very powerful and I nearly deceived her. She quickly stated that she retracted all statements and said she would ask for forgiveness in praising Satan's own disciple. Added she would pray for me in that I become a man of God soon, for my own sake.

Yep. Kintuckee...

The stuff comedians dream about. That's so absurd. 

 

The women at my college church aren't as forthright like that. In order to date them period, you have to jump through hoops beyond hoops to get them to maybe accept a date offer. There's all this baggage about "not wanting to sin" and for guys needing to "pursue her like Christ does the church."

 

This makes regular dating impossible. You have these girls being trained on how she should wait for a Godly man. Guys are trained to pursue her and push her consistently to Christ.

 

I know at least two guys who waited until their wedding day to kiss their brides. "I hadn't earned it yet."

 

That sounds romantic, but it's absurd to me. I used to understand that conviction, but now it just reeks of trying to win an unwinnable task. 

 

From what I've read, secular dating isn't exactly the stuff of dreams either...but at least there isn't all that baggage about salvation and stuff. 

[Travi]

Oh yes, I'm convinced if I ever become a stand up comic act, that will be one of the ones I toss out there. All I could do is laugh while I stared at the text message on my phone, just shaking my head at her conviction. Especially saying that Satan's influence was very powerful, I came REAL close to sending back: "Well, it appears your God isn't as powerful as you thought if his creation has as much thrall over me as you think."

Of course, that opens the whole "Problem with Evil" argument in that God created such a being, knowing it would be the deceiver in the world. Though, if you really look at it, Satan's a good guy. Just very unappreciated for everything he did for humanity.

[nutrichuckles93]

22 minutes ago, skysoar15 said:

The stuff comedians dream about. That's so absurd. 

 

The women at my college church aren't as forthright like that. In order to date them period, you have to jump through hoops beyond hoops to get them to maybe accept a date offer. There's all this baggage about "not wanting to sin" and for guys needing to "pursue her like Christ does the church."

 

This makes regular dating impossible. You have these girls being trained on how she should wait for a Godly man. Guys are trained to pursue her and push her consistently to Christ.

 

I know at least two guys who waited until their wedding day to kiss their brides. "I hadn't earned it yet."

 

That sounds romantic, but it's absurd to me. I used to understand that conviction, but now it just reeks of trying to win an unwinnable task. 

 

From what I've read, secular dating isn't exactly the stuff of dreams either...but at least there isn't all that baggage about salvation and stuff. 

Really? The young (early to mid 20s) girls in my church seem willing to throw marriage at any "godly" man who asks. Guess that makes one verse in the Babble ring true.

[skysoar15]

Oh yeah, Im sure there are churches where the women are like that for sure.

 

But for me, the women at my church just have these ridiculous standards. They aren't jerks about it, just brainwashed by the culture there. One girl I DID like at another church ended up going nowhere since she didnt want to date in general.

 

That part is fine. Respect, of course.

 

But overtime she became a walking informercial for 'the goodness of Christ,' and started spouting the 'God is good all the time..." mantra. 

 

She became slowly a different person. 

 

Funny, because at first she was the most genuine girl I had met when I was involved with the church. She wasn't standoffish and was a genuinely exciting young woman. There was also something extremely sexy about her. 

 

But overtime...she just turned into a walking Christ pamphlet.

 

I can't imagine ever having liked her before.

 

Living in the Deep South is sort of a problem when it comes to this culture as a whole. I love Texas, but the church culture here is insane. Of course, you have to deal with the inauthentic Christians who feel superior just because they WALK INSIDE THE BUILDING along with the 'genuine' Biblical ones who preach nothing but Heaven and Hell. 

 

I've contemplated the thought of moving to New York or something years down the line. Tons of opportunities there and millions of people. Sure, I've heard the people can be jerks at times, but there is an actual variety of different folks there.

[nutrichuckles93]

Shhhh! Don't ever use the term sexy to describe someone in the church  But yeah, I've kind of come to terms with the ridiculousness of it all. It probably helps that I wasn't as deeply steeped in it for nearly as long as you and others here. It's just all so....blatantly false. It's impossible to talk honestly with anyone there anymore. Because if I confess my unbelief, they'll merely talk to me as a "backslidden brother" or someone who "needs salvation" and not as someone who just wants a friend to confess his true feelings to.

 

Sorry, I tend to stray. Point is, the church's POV on dating can be one of their (many) most dangerous and life affecting aspects.

[skysoar15]

Yeah it sucks that you felt pressured to marry. They try to nail you with the whole 'divorce is wrong in the sight of the Lord' talk. This pressures people who just aren't right for each other to stay married.

 

As others have said, get that resolved before children enter into the picture. Figure out if you guys can have a healthy future. If not, you need to end it. You also need to see her for who she is NOW, not for who she was when you two dated.

 

You were lucky to get out soon. Heck, I was lucky to get out as early as I did.

 

I would have stayed if I didn't start thinking for myself. It can be intoxicating feeling apart of a group. 

[Margee]

5 hours ago, skysoar15 said:

Mmhmm. The "burn with lust" part really gets me. It's the number one reason why everyone around me seems to be rushing for marriage."

 

No need for anyone to burn with lust while waiting for the right partner. That's why gawd gave you hands!! 

[skysoar15]

Marge...what are you doing?

Don't you realize the Lord is watching you?

 

Oh wait. 

[Travi]

15 minutes ago, Margee said:

\

No need  for anyone to burn with lust while waiting for the right partner. That's why gawd gave you hands!! 

Margee is naughty naughty. She can always be counted on for that

[TheRedneckProfessor]

On 4/7/2017 at 5:03 PM, skysoar15 said:

"pursue her like Christ does the church." 

How does that work, exactly?  I doubt many women would be able to find long-term happiness with a guy who sits around not doing anything and waiting on her to praise him.  Not to mention, women tend to take broken promises pretty seriously.  And long distance relationships rarely work out, especially if the guy keeps saying "I'll be back soon and we'll get married", but never comes back.

[knightcore]

I haven't dated mostly because I had a lot of baggage to sort out, but it was really hard for me to even consider dating because of my dad. He was really strict about who the guy had to be and what he had to do, and often made casual threats towards guys I was interested in. This was a pretty common thing in the communities I grew up in and the whole thing just made dating seem not worth it and I'm still recovering from that. I'm 23 and my dad still expects anyone who wants to date me to go through him first. Because I'm "his" or whatever. Possessiveness is a bitch!

[skysoar15]

Yeah that sucks.

One of more conservative acquaintances insisted that the guys ask the girl's father before even going on a date.

 

Imagine the intimidation factor there. Just. For. A. Date.

 

I couldn't date either with all the Christian baggage that came along with it. It got ridiculous.

 

Usually the girls seemed friendly, but the more you'd get to know them, the more brainwashed you'd see they were. 

 

"Everything is Christ. EVERYTHING."

 

Give me a break. 

 

If you want Christ, open the Bible. He'll be in there 'waiting for you.'

[Tsathoggua9]

I never dated that much, myself. Not at all during high school (busy with TV, reading sci-fi, horror, and comic books, and palling around with friends). At college (David Lipscomb, 1979-1983) I dated a girl who impressed me by saying "I don't want to think about marriage for ten years or so". She and her family were a bit religious, but not fanatics, for sure. We dated for a few months, then broke up amicably. Saw her again a few years after graduation -- We would go out whenever she was in town, for a few years during the eighties and early nineties. So, an on-again-off-again kind of thing; we saw other people, too. Nice, easy-going relationship.  Had a few dates with other women, most of whom were just not that religious, if at all. Never really "connected" too much with these women.

 

In 2001, I dated a much younger woman -- she was in her mid-twenties, I was in my early 40s.  Then I realized that I looked almost exactly like her dad, except that  he was a foot taller! I was a "mini-dad"!  Now, that was a bit disturbing, in a funny kind of way...

 

I frequented Hooters restaurants and comic book conventions in the mid and late 2000s. Had some odd-but-interesting encounters with girls who actually shared my odd paraphilias / fetishes, or at least were willing to pretend / "fake it" for a while. Fun stuff! No real emotional connection needed.

 

So, basically, I had fairly secular "sexual / quasi-romantic experiences" way before I stopped attending church services altogether in 2013.

[Voice]

For me it was frightening, I'd say terrifying. I'd been celibate for so long and limited by christian guidelines which literally give us blueballs.

I made some good friends with women I liked, who liked me. When the times were right, we stepped it up. That's all. I lost a good one for not sleeping with her when the time was right. I was still confused about what to do. She took it as rejection. That sucked. I liked her a lot.

[knightcore]

8 hours ago, skysoar15 said:

Yeah that sucks.

One of more conservative acquaintances insisted that the guys ask the girl's father before even going on a date.

 

Imagine the intimidation factor there. Just. For. A. Date.

 

lmao you just basically described my dad. My sister has a boyfriend and he had to go through soooo much shit with my dad in order to date her. Like she's worth it but you have to be so religious for my dad to approve. To be honest I also felt like he set an unfair expectation for my future boyfriend as well. Because not only is he religious, but he's also in ROTC, Eagle Scouts, straight As, and completely unthreatening. AKA exactly the kind of guy my dad wanted me to date in high school.

[BlindersRemoved]

After my divorce three years ago, I got on match.com. I checked the box for atheist and noticed that all of the women checked Christian. Many of them put in their essay that they were looking for a good Christian man, so I didn't even bother with them. But I was having a hard time getting a date. So, I went back and unchecked atheist and left that part blank. All of a sudden I wasn't having a problem getting dates. Before you guys give me shit for getting on match, I actually met an awesome non-Christian woman on there who is now my wife. 

[TABA]

 

1 hour ago, BlindersRemoved said:

After my divorce three years ago, I got on match.com. I checked the box for atheist and noticed that all of the women checked Christian. Many of them put in their essay that they were looking for a good Christian man, so I didn't even bother with them. But I was having a hard time getting a date. So, I went back and unchecked atheist and left that part blank. All of a sudden I wasn't having a problem getting dates. Before you guys give me shit for getting on match, I actually met an awesome non-Christian woman on there who is now my wife. 

 

If I was single and looking, I'd surely use match.com. Why not?  Though I'd have to leave the 'atheist' box unchecked too.  It just puts off too many people before they'd even have a chance to get to know us.  Glad it worked out well for you, BR!

[BlindersRemoved]

My friends teased me about getting on match, but it was just fun and games. I'd recommend it to anyone that is single. It certainly worked out for me