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Goodbye Jesus

Alpha course feel like a freek


RICK300

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This is my story as brief as I can be. I'm a year old male 50 born and live in the UK brought up in a very liberal middle class Church of England family no talk of sin, Jesus saving talking in tongues being born again ect. I sang in the choir (you would not believe it if you heard me now )and for some reason got confirmed at 16. Never really got religion though it was some sort of protection, never talked of hell the devil ect. Though it simply taught good life lessons treat people how you want to be treated ect. Like the good Samaritan.

I hate super natural stuff ghost stories and horror films scare me even though I know they are just films and stories..

After going to college at 18 moved a way from religion and would just go a Christmas as it was a traditional thing to do weddings funerals christenings. I may be a couple of silent prays when getting on a flight of for sick me members of the family more like wishes that prays I never really expected to be answered. Bit like wishes blowing out candles on a birthday cake.

For the next 15 s or odd years lived very happy life even if it was in a bit of a rut it was a nice rut. Travelling playing sports.

Then about 16 odd years ago I was invited by a friend to go on a Alpha course I was not sure what it was it is advertised about "the meaning of life", but turns out to be an evangelical Christian course about and I certainly had not heard of Charismatic Christians did the course did not really think much about it but hoped it may be a kick up the bum to get out and doing some stuff and appreciating life but when it ended I was a changed person, and not for the better people were going to hell, fear I would suddenly start talking in tongues, had to tell everyone I was a Christian try and convert save them, Things like being gay was wrong, I'm not gay but have never had issues with gay people I have gay friends I did not feel I was in control of my own thoughts, had 6 months off works a nervous breakdown various medications. Felt I had been brainwashed.

Finally got myself together found a wonderful partner and life was good for the last 10 years

Fast forward to October 2016 an we had a holiday visiting Tennessee Great time visiting the smoke mountains, walking biking then Nashville for the country music and then Memphis and back though mid Tennessee doing a bit of canoeing.

Visited a couple of old churches for historical reasons noted that there are more churches than bars in some towns and if we found that we had tuned into a Christian station by mistake we would turn it on something else.

All was good had a great time, I was leaving my partner to come home she was heading to Texas to see more friend I had to work, when I left her I said a silent pray to my god to keep her safe.

By the time I got home in I was a mess it was just like I was 16 years earlier all the born again Christian stuff was back since then I have not been to work for 3 months been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. On meds again don't like going out that much struggle with exercise find it hard to think feeling very stressed and that life is not really real.

I think I just want to be an open minded agnostic not worrying about religion happy to enjoy the rest of my life.

I should say I certainly was not forced to attend church ect it was all my doing and I thing that many of the things I fear I have made up in my own head.

All the best

Rick

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Hi Rick, welcome to Ex-C!  Christianity is a kind of mental/emotional programming that gets hooks into the basic survival mechanisms of the mind. You are told that certain silly myths hold life and death importance, and that normality is completely broken and you are in need of a cure that is only found in Jesus. This was a lie, but because of the people that were around you at the time of your programming, it seemed like it could be real (at least on a subconscious level). Anything that can hook into our survival instincts is much more difficult to undo than a simple like such as Blue Is Really Red. There is a social pressure to fit in, and the mind usually will conform instead of pushing away the new group. Once this happens, undoing the programming is often a matter of purposeful action. The subconscious needs to be assured that there is no god watching and waiting to burn you alive for being human (and there is not). Some on these forums wrestle with old fears for several years.

 

Alpha is a concentrated form of mind control, programming the subconscious to fear, and selling a cure through behavioral conditioning and high-pressure sales tactics.

 

My best release from the lie of my faith (very strong for 30 years) came through the form of a dream when my subconscious tested me to see what I would do when confronted with "the devil". He appeared as a laughing little boy in the dark. I felt myself freezing-up. I first started to try and eek out the name of Jesus, but then realized what I was doing and spoke clearly, "No, I don't need Jesus, I need to do this". He taunted me "Careful, you're about to sin", and I replied "There is no sin" and then realized that this little boy running around wasn't evil, he was me, my imagination free and playing, running around in the moonlight. The mind works through things and tests boundaries to see what is important and what isn't. It didn't need to play the part of god reminding me of bible verses, and didn't need to feel bad like it was evil for liking sex and such. Normal went back to being normal.

 

You may want to consult a secular therapist to help you work through this. You already consciously realize that Christianity is a lie, and that you don't want to follow it. But part of you was made to be afraid of the god and devil it invented, and as I said, that can take longer to re-program.

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Welcome Rick!

 

Fuego's right, if this is bothering you this much, you may want to see a secular therapist.

 

Christianity is not true. Plain and simple. But you are hardly unique in having been negatively affected by it. You are not a freak. Don't forget that.

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