Hello to all the faithless

[SherpaJones]

Hi everyone, I just got my account approved so I guess I should introduce myself.  I've been an atheist for the last 6 or 7 years, and boy it's been fun.  *sarcasm*

 

I was raised by christian parents who were raised in the Catholic church.  Before they met and married, a process that took all of 3 months, they both had a period of "falling away" before coming to the Penticostal flavor of crazy.  To be specific, the Penticostal Assemblies of Canada.

 

I remember going to church as early as 3 years old.  In the summer of my 3rd year, my older sister of 2 years told me I needed to pray to Jesus to get saved, because I would go to hell.  She said that she had prayed in the dirt in the garden because she was filthy before God and needed Jesus to save her.  None of that felt right to me, and I told her "No."  I guess she told my parents because for months they were very interested in whether I would accept Jesus.  So were the pastors at church, and the deacons, and the elders, and the Sunday school teachers, and the little old ladies that pinch your cheeks.  It was too much for me, so Christmas morning, a month before my 3rd birthday, I gave the sinners prayer through gritted teeth, angst and bitterness.  I just wanted it to be over and have them leave me alone.  They were so happy for me, and over time, I became so immersed that I had forgot that I didn't believe.

 

Fast forward to Christmas eve 2010, and I was praying to god to give me some direction in my life.  I was completely lost and feeling hopeless.  Alone, tired, and depressed.  As I was praying, the memory of that Christmas morning all those years ago came back like it was yesterday.  I knew in that moment I was an atheist.  It was hard to face, and I hid it from my family for a couple of years.  I finally told my parents, and attempted to explain what it was like for me at 3.  I felt like I had betrayed my own integrity and lived a lie, and I broke down crying in front of them.  My mom was very supportive, my dad, silent.  I got an email from my dad the next day saying he didn't appreciate me blaming them for choices I made when I was 3.  The relationship went downhill from there.

 

There are other problems.  My parents covered up my sexual abuse at the hands of a baby sitter, at about the same age, between 3 and 4.  They prayed to god and he told them to forgive her and let it go, and he would take care of everything.  And when I was 17, my dad had left his job as a police officer due to PTSD, depression, and anxiety.  He and I fought a lot, and my mom knew he was treating me unfairly.  She often tried to step in and reason with him, and that enraged him.  After one fight, he got in the car and drove away.  No word on where, when, and if he'd be back.  He was planning to not come back, but he prayed, and god told him to get my mom in line, as he was the head of the house and she was to submit to his rule.  And I was to fall in line too.

 

So he went home, took her aside in their room, and told her just that.  Then they came out and talked with me.  My mom looked terrified, and I could hear it in her voice.  They told me that I was being selfish and manipulative, and was turning them against each other to get my own selfish way.  My mom told me she would no longer stand up for me, and she would stand my my dad's decisions.  I felt like I was falling into an abyss, like a black hole opened in my chest and consumed me entirely.  I gave up on pursuing girls, career, hobbies and interests, ambition, all of it dissappered.  I pondered running away, but decided to stay and finish school.

 

I left home and largely wandered aimlessly in life, wanting god to show me the way.  I found a career I am passionate about, and that I was very interested in back in high school.  I had teachers and friends telling me to go be an architect, but I didn't believe in myself.  I just wanted to get out of everyone's way and be left alone.

 

It took me 10 years to find my career after that.  Another 10 after that to recognize I was carrying guilt for what was actually my parent's marriage problems that had nothing to do with me.  To recognize how angry I was with both my parents, but especially my mom.  And hurt, and grieved.  And that I've been projecting these feelings onto potential lovers for a long time.

 

And I've only recently begun to recognize the damage of the sexual abuse and how worse it was because of the cover up.  I recently spoke with my little sister about it, and explained why I no longer speak with my parents.  She was supportive and understanding.  I will soon speak with my older sister about it too.  She saw it happen but was powerless to intervene.  We have never discussed it after 30+ years.  We spoke briefly about it, and she has been so sad for me, and wanting to open the dialogue but not knowing how.  I realized after talking with her how much of a false closure my parents had placed over it.  

 

Back when I was 14, my sister had come out about being repeatedly raped by the neighbor/babysitter 5 or 6 years prior.  My parents rushed her to the police to press charges and give testimony.  I had to give testimony too because he had exposed himself to us.  And they took her to doctors and to therapy.  In the middle of all this, I came to remember what had happened to me, and asked my parents about it.  They treated it as a minor issue, and said if I wanted therapy they would take me, and left it at that.  Over the years we have discussed it more, and I've learned more about how they mishandled it.  But they never seemed interested in how I was doing or helping me face the trauma.

 

A couple of years ago I wrote them a detailed letter about the abuse, the after affects, my feelings of anger towards them about how they mishandled it, and said that our relationship was broken.  I would only be willing to meet with them at a therapists office to begin to work through all the issues.  Their response was brief:  "We talked about it at length, we are very sorry, and we love you."  I have yet to respond to that.

 

I am very busy with my work right now, as a building designer and business owner of 10 years.  I can afford to pay for my own therapy, and am going in every 2-3 weeks for the past 6 months.  I am recovering my identity and my health; I've recently paid almost $2k at the dentist for fillings and extractions.  I'm working with a personal trainer to get in shape and eat more healthy.  I'm hiring a business consultant to help me propel my business forward.  I'm doing well, but still stumbling on a lot of trust issues, self doubt, fear and anxiety, and poor planing and decision making.  But I'm moving forward.

 

I look forward to being part of this group and sharing more of myself and hearing from you all.

Ciao!

[knightcore]

First of all welcome! I'm glad you found the group and also that you're making such big steps to help yourself. That's really hard after so much abuse and manipulation. I don't really have the experience to speak on any of yours, but I hope your relationship with your sisters continues to grow as you talk through things. 

[BroTom]

Hi SherpaJones

Welcome.....I hope you find the support you're looking for here.  It was painful reading your story.  I think you're very strong to have recovered to a remarkable degree after such a devastating start to life.  Look forward to more posts from you.

Tom

[Jeff]

Welcome.  

your parents were and are wrong. I'm sorry this happened to you. 

[DanForsman]

Great news about the developing relationship with your sisters! Congratulations on caring for yourself and taking that hard step to enter therapy. The most disgusting family destroying lifestyle concept pushed by the fundamental Abrahamic religions is patriarchy. Perhaps it was useful at some point in human development but it is a roadblock to the progression of the human species moving forward. You exactly experienced how unjust and regressive this system of belief is. Total familial power concentrated in the father is corrupting and senseless. Families need to be run with the best ideas possible regardless of what party initiates those ideas or where those ideas originate. Our society needs to stop turning its back on the tremendous resource that females obviously have to offer a free society. As children come of age good families will learn how to hear their ideas and encourage discussions that allow for productive changes. This at least offers the opportunity to learn from one another and move forward rather than recycling the patriarchy that allows and supports abusive situations and forever prevents us from moving beyond the errors of our bronze age ancestors. Freeing yourself from the ball and chain of religious teachings doesn't usually come with a lot of societal congratulations and back slapping; it may initially even appear unimpressive. However choosing the very best answers to your questions and seeking truth through appropriate skepticism, study and research and then applying the powerful advantage of your newly clear mind becomes exhilarating and addictive. As the years go along you'll discover how empowering it is to lay a foundation that is truly solid and then continue building on that without any predetermined limits. I'm sorry for all the trouble you've had Sherpa but I think you've made some very wise decisions and hope you will continue to share your life's adventures with us.

[AlienGoddess]

 

Hi everyone, I just got my account approved so I guess I should introduce myself.  I've been an atheist for the last 6 or 7 years, and boy it's been fun.  *sarcasm*

 

I was raised by christian parents who were raised in the Catholic church.  Before they met and married, a process that took all of 3 months, they both had a period of "falling away" before coming to the Penticostal flavor of crazy.  To be specific, the Penticostal Assemblies of Canada.

 

I remember going to church as early as 3 years old.  In the summer of my 3rd year, my older sister of 2 years told me I needed to pray to Jesus to get saved, because I would go to hell.  She said that she had prayed in the dirt in the garden because she was filthy before God and needed Jesus to save her.  None of that felt right to me, and I told her "No."  I guess she told my parents because for months they were very interested in whether I would accept Jesus.  So were the pastors at church, and the deacons, and the elders, and the Sunday school teachers, and the little old ladies that pinch your cheeks.  It was too much for me, so Christmas morning, a month before my 3rd birthday, I gave the sinners prayer through gritted teeth, angst and bitterness.  I just wanted it to be over and have them leave me alone.  They were so happy for me, and over time, I became so immersed that I had forgot that I didn't believe.

 

Fast forward to Christmas eve 2010, and I was praying to god to give me some direction in my life.  I was completely lost and feeling hopeless.  Alone, tired, and depressed.  As I was praying, the memory of that Christmas morning all those years ago came back like it was yesterday.  I knew in that moment I was an atheist.  It was hard to face, and I hid it from my family for a couple of years.  I finally told my parents, and attempted to explain what it was like for me at 3.  I felt like I had betrayed my own integrity and lived a lie, and I broke down crying in front of them.  My mom was very supportive, my dad, silent.  I got an email from my dad the next day saying he didn't appreciate me blaming them for choices I made when I was 3.  The relationship went downhill from there.

 

There are other problems.  My parents covered up my sexual abuse at the hands of a baby sitter, at about the same age, between 3 and 4.  They prayed to god and he told them to forgive her and let it go, and he would take care of everything.  And when I was 17, my dad had left his job as a police officer due to PTSD, depression, and anxiety.  He and I fought a lot, and my mom knew he was treating me unfairly.  She often tried to step in and reason with him, and that enraged him.  After one fight, he got in the car and drove away.  No word on where, when, and if he'd be back.  He was planning to not come back, but he prayed, and god told him to get my mom in line, as he was the head of the house and she was to submit to his rule.  And I was to fall in line too.

 

So he went home, took her aside in their room, and told her just that.  Then they came out and talked with me.  My mom looked terrified, and I could hear it in her voice.  They told me that I was being selfish and manipulative, and was turning them against each other to get my own selfish way.  My mom told me she would no longer stand up for me, and she would stand my my dad's decisions.  I felt like I was falling into an abyss, like a black hole opened in my chest and consumed me entirely.  I gave up on pursuing girls, career, hobbies and interests, ambition, all of it dissappered.  I pondered running away, but decided to stay and finish school.

 

I left home and largely wandered aimlessly in life, wanting god to show me the way.  I found a career I am passionate about, and that I was very interested in back in high school.  I had teachers and friends telling me to go be an architect, but I didn't believe in myself.  I just wanted to get out of everyone's way and be left alone.

 

It took me 10 years to find my career after that.  Another 10 after that to recognize I was carrying guilt for what was actually my parent's marriage problems that had nothing to do with me.  To recognize how angry I was with both my parents, but especially my mom.  And hurt, and grieved.  And that I've been projecting these feelings onto potential lovers for a long time.

 

And I've only recently begun to recognize the damage of the sexual abuse and how worse it was because of the cover up.  I recently spoke with my little sister about it, and explained why I no longer speak with my parents.  She was supportive and understanding.  I will soon speak with my older sister about it too.  She saw it happen but was powerless to intervene.  We have never discussed it after 30+ years.  We spoke briefly about it, and she has been so sad for me, and wanting to open the dialogue but not knowing how.  I realized after talking with her how much of a false closure my parents had placed over it.  

 

Back when I was 14, my sister had come out about being repeatedly raped by the neighbor/babysitter 5 or 6 years prior.  My parents rushed her to the police to press charges and give testimony.  I had to give testimony too because he had exposed himself to us.  And they took her to doctors and to therapy.  In the middle of all this, I came to remember what had happened to me, and asked my parents about it.  They treated it as a minor issue, and said if I wanted therapy they would take me, and left it at that.  Over the years we have discussed it more, and I've learned more about how they mishandled it.  But they never seemed interested in how I was doing or helping me face the trauma.

 

A couple of years ago I wrote them a detailed letter about the abuse, the after affects, my feelings of anger towards them about how they mishandled it, and said that our relationship was broken.  I would only be willing to meet with them at a therapists office to begin to work through all the issues.  Their response was brief:  "We talked about it at length, we are very sorry, and we love you."  I have yet to respond to that.

 

I am very busy with my work right now, as a building designer and business owner of 10 years.  I can afford to pay for my own therapy, and am going in every 2-3 weeks for the past 6 months.  I am recovering my identity and my health; I've recently paid almost $2k at the dentist for fillings and extractions.  I'm working with a personal trainer to get in shape and eat more healthy.  I'm hiring a business consultant to help me propel my business forward.  I'm doing well, but still stumbling on a lot of trust issues, self doubt, fear and anxiety, and poor planing and decision making.  But I'm moving forward.

 

I look forward to being part of this group and sharing more of myself and hearing from you all.

Ciao!

Duh, actually your parent mentally disturbed people and tormented soul. I was sorry to tell you about this but this is how disturbed people and mentally challenged works. I knew it from my experience and my aunty behaviour,she was my mum elder sister. She mistook her Borderline Personality Disorder,bipolar and depression and hallucination as something divine and revelation from God or Allah to be precise(she was moslem).

    Like your father, she experienced depression and inferiority complex. She didn't realize she had done something wrong but always lashed out surrounding people,deflected blames and screamed or speaking like a preacher with no coma and dot(Continously speaking with non-stop)Yes, she was not tired for 10 hours scolding people and nagging. She spoke in a very loud voice and even people with the distance of 4 meters radius could clearly hear her voice. She need to do this to mask her own insecurity. 

What I could tell, your father was insecure  which was why he need to humiliate others to feel good or superior and your mum believed in him. What she could do about it?She just wanted to save her marriage with your father just like my grandmother no matter what my aunt did she always sided my aunt. She knew about my aunt did but she was my grandmother most beloved daughter. 

Your mum knew that you were not fairly treated but she was in hopeless situation and to her you didn't help with her situation and keep your father happy. You were nuisance and troubled child to her which was why she deflected blame on you. 

I told you this to better be prepared. I told you one secret, your father illness took a years and even permanent one. My aunt went to many mental health practitioner,specialist,doctor,shaman but she didn't show sign to recover. She recovered only one week but illness always keep coming back. 

You can't punish and reason with your parent. They were oblivious to the facts and keep wondering why did you blame them and in their frustration they deflected blame on you. People rarely admitted they did anything wrong because it would hurt their ego and pride. 

If my analogies were correct then you should keep distance from your parent as mental people could infect it to others or even could turn mentally healthy people into madness. 

I knew it as that's what my mum did to both her mum and her sister(my grandmother and aunt). She didn't open the door and pretend she were not at home if they did come without my cousin and my cousin's husband. 

People who didn't know the real stories would think my mum was a cruel person but no one could stand her behaviour.My mum didn't visit my grandma and my aunt either because when my mum visited them, they would thought my mum was friendly. The next following week,they would keep coming and disturbed my mum peaceful life and harmony.

  Sadly silly and bullshit religion such as Christian and Islam didn't help but it worsen the situation. 

Stop sending letter blaming them for what they did. You were lucky they didn't come to your home, screaming and verbally abuse you. 

I repeat if your father was a mentally disturbed person you can't reason with him, they won't see it anyway but keep searching your mistake to blame you. 

Please accept hug from me. I was a former Sunni moslem, ex-christian from Malaysia.

   

 

[Margee]

 

Welcome to Ex-c Sherpa. And thank you for sharing your story with us. Religion screws up so many families. I'm so sorry for what you experienced as a  child. We seem to read a lot about childhood trauma on this board so you never have to feel alone. I'm so glad you found us and I'm so glad you are talking to your sisters. I'm also very happy for you that your business is going well. I think you're going to make it. Stay here with us. You'll feel so at home. We understand all the dilemmas attached to religion. 

 

Looking so forward to hearing more from you.

((hug))