Being Married to a Christian

[Rose]

Hi everyone. I'm sure this topic has been covered before, but I couldn't find anything, and I just wanted to share a little bit and hear about some experiences, especially from those of you that have been married many years and have raised children together.

 

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. My husband and I met at a student ministry and got married young. He is a pastor's kid, and was completely "on fire" when I met him, which was an attractive quality. However, the process of my deconversion began only a year or so after we started dating. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I no longer believed, and that I no longer wanted to try. In that time, we also became less involved in the church, and he lost a lot of his passion for Christianity, becoming (as they say) a lukewarm Christian. I think he fell into other interests, as he wasn't surrounded by church 24/7 anymore. We have a great relationship. Religion is almost a non-factor, because it doesn't affect his daily life, or my daily life. I have expressed my feelings of "doubt" to him, and more recently (after 4 years of marriage), I told him I'm an atheist. I felt it necessary to bring up because we have a son now, and I've been thinking a lot about how Christianity would affect his life. My husband says he loves me, and its okay if I am an atheist. I asked him what this would mean for our son, and he said he didn't know. We haven't talked about it further (because, as I said, religion is a non-factor in our lives). We still have very close ties to his "pastor" family, so of course my son has a baby bible and all that jazz. I don't want his grandparents influencing him, and I don't want him to be raised in their church, which is really close to us (my family is far away). Obviously, I want him to make his own decisions in life, but I don't want him to be indoctrinated at a young age when his mind is vulnerable. I want him to enjoy being a kid, and never have to worry about going hell or "accepting Jesus." I have a bit more to say, but I have to get off here for now.

 

I'm hoping you can share some of your experiences with me. Thanks!

[Ellinas]

You seem to be in a better position than some.

 

I met my wife as a fundie believer.  She still comes under that umbrella (though I'm never entirely convinced as to how convinced she is in reality - but it is the basis of her social and wider family circles so questions tend to be overlooked).  I took the decision long ago that I would not do anything to seek to challenge her faith, as it is a matter she must address for herself.

 

Our son goes to the church (as do I).  I make my lack of enthusiasm and general scepticism clear, and he is equally unimpressed.

 

You have an easier option, in that pressure to believe seems to be at a greater distance.  My approach would be to tell the in-laws it's not their business.  Whether you wish to be quite so blunt is a matter for you, and also needs to be judged in the light of your husband's stance toward his own family.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

My wife and I back slid out of church for a few years before my de-conversion. She still claims to be a believer but isn't practising. We have three children, one ours together, and two mine and an ex wife's who passed away several years ago. I actually just posted a new thread "somewhat of a break through" concerning my wife and I. She has taken my deconversion fairly well and a whole lot better than some of the other members spouses have. I've read some very stressful testimonies about husbands and wives. I'm thankful I'm not having to deal with that kind of stress right now.

 

DB

[L.B.]

I was raised in a fundy church.

 

Stopped going at 18 when I was allowed to decide for myself.

 

Started going back when my GF and I got engaged - I got 'on fire for the Lord' and led her (cradle Catholic) through the whole 'sinner's prayer' thing and got her 'saved'.

 

Got married, we went to another state so I could go to Bible college.

 

Spent the next 15 years in various churches, volunteering and getting paid to be in ministry.

 

Long story short, I have deconverted/realized I never should have gotten back involved in the first place. Wife is still totally a TrueBeliever™ and is raising our three children in church. They, especially my oldest, a teen, are really getting wrapped up in it. Ugh.

 

Wife says she is willing to give me the space to 'work out' what I believe or not - but a couple of weeks ago, we had a fight when she started to realize that I wasn't just mad at church, or at the religion of Christianity - I didn't believe in the Christian thing at all - not in 'Jesus', not in the 'one true god [sic]'. She is still trying to deal with the idea that I don't accept any of it anymore.

 

Life with her has gotten very hard. She has other issues that existed long before she became a fundy, and her god isn't helping her deal. She thinks her struggles are all part of a loving god's plan for her life.

 

Meanwhile, when she gets self-absorbed and anxious and fearful about the realities of the world, she shuts off almost totally towards me in just about every significant way you can think of. The only time she is 'happy' is when I am acting happy and we stay away from anything remotely resembling difficult conversations, especially regarding religious bullshit.

 

My wife knows I am never going back to church, but she still insists that we raise the children in church because it's "good for them to see people doing good things for God". Sigh.

 

Stuck here.

[Daffodil]

My husband deconverted before I did, but settled on agnostic.  Once I started, I went straight to atheist.  He sometimes feels I am a little too anti-religion, lol!  Sounds like your husband is at least ok with your convictions, which as amazing!  Many on here have a great deal of stress in their married lives because one spouse is still heavily involved.  

 

I would like to say one little thing on parenting, though.  I have one child, age 12, that has always been a natural skeptic.  Even at a young age she had lots of questions.  I have no real concerns of her ever falling for any religious BS that might come her way.  My other child, age 11, is a people pleaser to the nth degree!  He is very social and extroverted and tends to do what others tell him, sometimes through threats or bribes, but sometimes just because he likes the person.  He's the one we worry about and he's the one that could fall prey to super friendly churchy types.  The only thing I have come up with to counteract that in him is to be very open in how I see things and to ask him lots of thought-provoking questions, trying to encourage his critical thinking skills.  All that to say, don't try to avoid religious topics or say things like, "We just don't believe in that stuff."  Be really open and let the questions flow, and don't put down believers too much.  We usually say that everybody has a different view on the world and this is why we view it the way we do.

[MOHO]

On 5/1/2017 at 6:44 AM, L.B. said:

I was raised in a fundy church.

 

Stopped going at 18 when I was allowed to decide for myself.

 

Started going back when my GF and I got engaged - I got 'on fire for the Lord' and led her (cradle Catholic) through the whole 'sinner's prayer' thing and got her 'saved'.

 

Got married, we went to another state so I could go to Bible college.

 

Spent the next 15 years in various churches, volunteering and getting paid to be in ministry.

 

Long story short, I have deconverted/realized I never should have gotten back involved in the first place. Wife is still totally a TrueBeliever™ and is raising our three children in church. They, especially my oldest, a teen, are really getting wrapped up in it. Ugh.

 

Wife says she is willing to give me the space to 'work out' what I believe or not - but a couple of weeks ago, we had a fight when she started to realize that I wasn't just mad at church, or at the religion of Christianity - I didn't believe in the Christian thing at all - not in 'Jesus', not in the 'one true god [sic]'. She is still trying to deal with the idea that I don't accept any of it anymore.

 

Life with her has gotten very hard. She has other issues that existed long before she became a fundy, and her god isn't helping her deal. She thinks her struggles are all part of a loving god's plan for her life.

 

Meanwhile, when she gets self-absorbed and anxious and fearful about the realities of the world, she shuts off almost totally towards me in just about every significant way you can think of. The only time she is 'happy' is when I am acting happy and we stay away from anything remotely resembling difficult conversations, especially regarding religious bullshit.

 

My wife knows I am never going back to church, but she still insists that we raise the children in church because it's "good for them to see people doing good things for God". Sigh.

 

Stuck here.

 

DUDE!

This is SO like my present condition. Your wife may very well be my wife's twin.

Mrs. MOHO has some sort of mental condition wherein she sees herself as some sort of para-deity - as if she has a direct line with "the lord!" and, therefore, anything that pops into her head, any feelings or ideas (whether grounded in reality or not) were put there by god.

 

I don't know if this has resulted in her abusive personality or if the personality was already there, and this is just a manifestation of it, or if there is a kind of synergistic affect here or what. I  had to start going to church again just to keep her from begin absolutely WRETCHED to me.

 

Fortunately we have no children (the son I've written about is adult age and from a previous marriage) so that's not a complicating factor for us. We do have a nice home, successful business, and I earn more than her so divorce would result in large sums of moolah missing from old MOHO's paycheck each month.

 

Ahhhh. What cost, freedom!

[Riversong]

Lots of great thoughts here. Right now, my husband and son go to church. He knows I may never go back but haven't tackled the deconversion conversation yet. We both see so much wrong with th church that my husband only goes because the people there are fairly nice and mostly normal. My son is a people pleaser, so I will have to keep an eye on him!

[MOHO]

1 hour ago, Riversong said:

Lots of great thoughts here. Right now, my husband and son go to church. He knows I may never go back but haven't tackled the deconversion conversation yet. We both see so much wrong with th church that my husband only goes because the people there are fairly nice and mostly normal. My son is a people pleaser, so I will have to keep an eye on him!

 

Welcome to the Unequally Yoked Club, River!

[Riversong]

Ha, thank-you!

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

2 hours ago, MOHO said:

 

DUDE!

This is SO like my present condition. Your wife may very well be my wife's twin.

Mrs. MOHO has some sort of mental condition wherein she sees herself as some sort of para-deity - as if she has a direct line with "the lord!" and, therefore, anything that pops into her head, any feelings or ideas (whether grounded in reality or not) were put there by god.

 

I was like this at the height of my christian life. I thought God was speaking to me personally and showing me things in the bible that the preachers couldn't even see. I had it in my head for awhile that I could show these guys my biblical discoveries and revolutionise christian thought................ yeah........ that didn't happen. Most anything I offered was brushed away because it didn't align with what God showed them. 

     In reality I was just discovering biblical contradictions that would later make me start doubting the bible. It is amazing how delusional the fanatical christian mind can become.

 

DB

[Riversong]

Hi!  I ran across this article last night and remembered this post. I thought it made some good points    

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/godlessindixie/2017/05/02/parenting-children-still-believe/

[TABA]

Great article! Very moving and filled with his love for his kids.  My favorite atheists are ex-Christians who understand and have loved ones on both sides.  Neil Carter - 'Godless in Dixie' - is one of the very best. 

 

[Rose]

Sorry everyone, it's been a while since I've checked in. I also can't figure out how to like the posts.

 

I appreciate your responses. If he was still an active Christian, I think we would have a lot more issues in our marriage. I see that I have it good. Since coming out to him, we've had several really good conversations. I think a part of me has been afraid to bring things up, because I am afraid he will realize he is "living in sin" and crawl back to the church. But we've been opening up to each other a lot lately, and he's been telling me some of the hard things for him about growing up in the church. I am happy to say that I think he will eventually deconvert, but I am not going to push it on him. I think he just needs to untangle the web of lies for himself, and also get over all the many years of indoctrination. He still struggles a lot with religious guilt, but does not experience the "joy" and "peace" associated with Christianity. Still, for him to say "I am not a Christian" would be extremely hard for him to do and I don't anticipate that happening any time soon.

 

I'm going to try to do some more browsing around the forums. I really don't have anyone in life to talk about my feelings with, as I still feel very entangled in Christianity, and I'm currently a SAHM.

[MOHO]

@Rose,

What is a SAHM?

 

Anyway there are a plethora of folks to "talk" to here.

 

Sounds like Mr. Rose does not have to feel superior to everyone else through fundyism and thus may admit that xanity is a man-made farce after a while.

 

Mrs. MOHO has had zero (0) exposure to ancient history and virtually no interest in archeology. When you throw in an insatiable need to quench her superiority complex there's likely no hope of her admitting that she has been duped by religion -  even if she does experience an epiphany.

 

Don't let so much time pass before you next visit/post here...

[Rose]

 

@Rose,

What is a SAHM?

 

Anyway there are a plethora of folks to "talk" to here.

 

Sounds like Mr. Rose does not have to feel superior to everyone else through fundyism and thus may admit that xanity is a man-made farce after a while.

 

Mrs. MOHO has had zero (0) exposure to ancient history and virtually no interest in archeology. When you throw in an insatiable need to quench her superiority complex there's likely no hope of her admitting that she has been duped by religion -  even if she does experience an epiphany.

 

Don't let so much time pass before you next visit/post here...

SAHM= stay at home mom.

 

I hope he does. I would love to see him be free of the guilt, and then we could work together for a future for ourselves and kids that doesn't involve Christianity. Sorry your wife isn't someone who might change her mind. I get it though, most Christians I know wouldn't even consider changing their minds. It's funny, from the other side I see how wrong, messed up, and impossible the whole thing is. It's so damn obvious to me. But it's also so obvious to many of them that Christianity is the absolute truth.

[TABA]

 

My wife just sees me as a bit of a character, but loves me anyway. 

 

Thats actually how we all see ya....