The Inability to absolve.

[DarkFlash]

Greetings everyone. I've been around for a while and I appreciate the welcomes here from introducing myself in my ex-timony to now while welcoming others and of course treating them the way i'd like to be treated since after all is that an elementary way of teaching yes? Naturally, it should be. But as of late have I. .undergone a continuation of thoughts of my own relating to wishful thinking in marriage and mentally has it clouded since my recent de-conversion. The tension and complexities had shown themselves due to how much I prayed, began to fast, and even recall myself taking up the advice given from my father's wife, my father, and even others around that side of my family to wait on the Lord's guidance for that God-giving opportunity for it to someday come. Prophesy has also come into the fray throughout my moments of silent wonders, though still wishful thinking to often trump over those things was an always for me. Hell, last year was I even told to write to God about what I wanted in a wife and the next day did I do that. My christian music was playing in the back with this strong impression that God was over me, giving me thoughts on my desires and so on such as when, if, the occasions, and how it'd come to pass. Church and being there was primary alongside randomized moments of seeing beauty within that special attosecond since I do believe like anyone else in the idiosyncratic by far.

 

Since 2012 after my longest relationship came to an end, were the doubts only strengthened and in spite of these claims on why she and I ended such as her disbelief in God, rejecting church, and so on, the heartbreak and cynicism had still further birthed itself. In fact, while staying with my father was I in tears for a good three days straight due to her departure and how I could have made things better. Since then up to now we haven't spoken and still I suppose it is better that way. But. .I have heard that she's gotten back with whom she left once some years back before she and I tied the knot. Anyway, for the longest did I have this thought and even various family members agreed with me that God meant for it to end because of her disbelief and how she couldn't 'bring herself to believe in God' so it's why he, himself ended it. The typical was I told as well that plans were in motion and better will come but the doubts were, of course still there. Since then have I been in two relationships, both long distance and my most recent did I see potential but it just didn't work out. Our understandings didn't mesh although peace had been there. We slept over the phone together (just like my relationship in 2012), we had a great time exchanging music with each other via genres of our choice, we saw films together, exchanged our days in expressing how they were. It really, really seemed like she was it. In fact, both she and I believed in God so I knew that in her being my first to ever believe with me that it'd lead to an eventual success and well, whether or not she lived in Germany didn't matter too much since my beliefs at the time were so powerful that he'd still find ways to make things work. Of course, the unfortunate came and she and I no longer talk either after a huge argument brought things to that fated end. I do not remember everything due to my jaded memories of what took place and ultimately getting over the entire ordeal, but what was said did indeed cause me to part ways with her.

 

I wouldn't say the loneliness strengthens with me since we stopped talking back in January of this year but the lack of success and seeing others love and cherish one another does make me wonder if maybe this all happened because of God's anger in me walking from his faith thus reassuring that perhaps it isn't for me since approaching those that i've caught eyes on am I nervous to make that move. Beauty has always intimidated me and still does since my younger days so it's nothing new. However, it does come to mind every now again alongside often thinking about the two car accidents I survived while a belief in God was there. Walking from them both completely unscathed after having two seizures before I discovered my diagnosis with the second one resulting in my collision with a tree and the frontal view in flames. To this day do I contend with these thoughts of possible purpose. .or something more. But love. .has conquered my mindset for a long time and leaves me in a, often thought permanent, mental limbo on whether or not it'll truly happen. Not exactly either is it the lack on confidence in myself from a bodily standpoint but strongly is it wondering about if I will always lack that courage, and even if I have the right personality intact to secure something so precious. I have a friend who thought the same and he's been the happiest of a man for a good three years and to say that i'm content doesn't express enough happiness that I truly have for him. 

 

With me. .it's that momentous thought of being one of those who just isn't meant for it? And then there's that constant warning throughout growth of those losses should I walk away from God. Is it regretful on making one of the most sensible moves in life? Not at all but I suppose that it's the aftermath in doing so that haunts me. Is it truly? Or. .I dunno. It's stressed even with a woman who I still see while working at times and it all began when I saw her shopping for the job she's still with as of current. The night I saw her was an instant touch guys and i'm sure all of you can relate to that. But something told me (as I thought was, of course, God) to approach her and after talking with a coworker about it with seeing her quite a bit around there did I finally deem it time to push away the doubts and say something. We flourished well. My nervousness was there like usual but slowly was I pushing it aside. She didn't believe in God but never was that a hindrance to me but instead was that persistence slowly reassuring what was possible. Not too long after really getting to know her and vice versa did she reveal that she not only had a boyfriend, but a night I walked with her to her car before I left to go home was she hesitant and eventually rejecting on not exchanging numbers after I voiced that i'd like to at least retain a friendship with her. It wasn't upsetting but a dreamcrusher considering where I thought she and I were going in terms of at least that. I saw something possibly. .futuristic? Or even something more had she and I just became friends for the longest. But since then though she's seen, not at all do we talk and it feels like the disinterest is there but also as if i'm a myth? Approaching her now isn't the easiest and it's actually become a little harder to talk with her since what to say feels clouded now. But gosh is the beauty still an instant intimidation, lol.

 

So at this point whenever I see a woman do I tell myself how much of a waste of time it'll be if I tried, or she's already taken, or I wouldn't last with her, and even on instance tear myself a new one from mental standpoints before I were to even try. I'm seeing for myself that even if a person can cleanly walk after being convinced are you still haunted by the aftermath and suffer those fates with fallacious results in the nonexistent and in opposing such can even weaken those emotional knees of yours. It's overcoming such that feels like a forever thing and for a while have I been told things but I don't exactly know where to begin with this, specifically.

Now like most newcomers did I. .have my doubts in doing this because well it's a mutual thing in getting to know one another though did I also tell myself that there wouldn't be a forum like so and it'd ultimately defy the meaning of 'positive engagement', as it should be for all places in similitude to Ex-Christian. But as i'm sure that we all have that awareness in how many places in likeness to this one simply. .differs on vast accounts; however with trust was an eventual light found to do this. Yes, we all have lives but if an input was given be it assistance or something more, it'd be appreciated. A time lapse matters not but friendships can bring themselves out. Thank you.

[sdelsolray]

I suspect you try too hard.  Relax, be yourself and work on your own issues...particularly the deconversion stuff.

 

Your desire for meaningful and long-term female companionship is admirable and is a worthy and healthy goal.

 

Patience is a true virtue.  Hard work often results in improvement.

[DarkFlash]

Ideas that it could be myself linger more so than anything, but as suspected are they often reversals to betterment. Instead are they moments when it feels. .permanent, you could say on these feelings of doubt. The Lord is out of the way but like any other who's just learning about the additional bullshit introduced to you at one point does it come about. Love, life as a whole, and straightening myself emotionally at one point became, with time, very pivotal when wonders of whether or not that opportunity would really present itself. Though like any phase does it come and go. In hesitancy on writing all of this, mostly the longevity of my topic and if it'd be a chore in reaching out to others. I hadn't a clue but I still decided to give it a try. Thank you for the hand given on my primary issue here.
 

[Riversong]

Sounds like you have a lot going on! I've gotten a lot of insights into how my personality works through meeting with a therapist and taking personality tests. I've found both the Myers Briggs and enneagram test to be helpful. That may not be helpful for your particular question(sorry!) but could be helpful for the overall process of finding yourself and deprogramming. Good luck!