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I must leave Ex-C for the well being of others.


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I don't know where to begin.  You can say that I'm at the end of my rope right now.  I've been on this site for a good four years and when I joined I didn't really think too much of it.  The individuals who've I've gotten to know range from those who casually chat, to friends that I physically go visit, to two past dating relationships.  However, recent events have caused me to come to a grim realization.  The net effect of those interactions has always been negative towards the other person.  I am truly vile and toxic and need to be contained in my own solitude.  No amount of effort I've put into changing myself and no method has yielded any fruit.  With that said, I ask moderators to please delete my profile permanently.  I do this as an act of compassion and caring.  That is all I have to day.

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Often we see ourselves much more negatively than other people do. We live in our own skin 24 hours a day, which makes it much easier to pick out and magnify every fault, to recall so many past events and see them as characteristic of us. I've never met you personally, but I can say that what you claim about being "vile and toxic" simply is not true. I already know that you are willing to listen to people when they need an ear. You've said yourself that you help them work out their problems when you can.

 

People of the type you describe don't know or don't care, or both, that they act the way they do. They certainly don't think of themselves as disgusting pieces of garbage who need to be removed from society. They carry right on tearing others down because it benefits them in some way or because they can.

 

This storm will pass. When you start to feel like this, remember what you have done for others and that there are people who care about you.

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I haven't noticed any vileness or toxicity coming from you in our exchanges, but I know the crippling feeling that all I touch turns bad somehow and I can only hurt people. 

 

Hugs.

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Step back, breath deeply and realise something.

 

You are, ultimately, not vile, toxic or whatever other adjective you wish to apply to yourself - at least, no more or less than any of the rest of us.

 

And your solitude is unlikely to do you or any of the rest of us any good.  If you were of the sort who really needs solitude, I rather suspect you would not speak in the way you have in this thread.  I speak as someone who genuinely has little need for company.  The issue does not even occur to me as something worth mentioning.

 

You are a person who has his problems, his issues; also his strengths.  Hiding yourself away won't change that, won't make anything better.

 

All the best.

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  • Moderator

What Ellinas said.

 

Removing yourself from company rarely helps. Please reconsider.

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  • Moderator

I'm so sorry you are in this darkness RC. Maybe, we can help to pull you out of it? You know that you are always welcome to come back any time.  We will try to be there for you. I hope you will change your mind about leaving us.

 

(Hug)

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. .Don't. To depart would be leaving behind what impacts are here and your contributions to others emotionally and such as anyone else here are your downward spirals temporary. I do not know you and vice versa, but i'm well aware of what a person is capable of amongst others who can't see their best during times like these and again can we all champion throughout these moments. In likeness to everyone else am I also dismissing what you claim now defines you in place of success and so much more on positive standards because with reason are you here. Seeing through years of lies should awaken what is currently felt on that eventual plane so a worrisome mindset shouldn't conquer what strengths are within. Should the decision come to pass just know that you're more than welcome to make your presence known once more and you're left with a family. Until then, don't follow your own bliss, but instead be your own bliss. No matter what is chosen on your part--you will be missed and for those who you've decided to actually leave for, i'll suggest to let them come to those conclusions in terms of what is felt. Never walk from your best and clearly, it's what you are.

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You're entitled to your own choices,

but I encourage you not to isolate yourself.

 

When I've felt hopeless, I have felt that permanent solutions were the only way to end the pain.

There's not a lot of places like this website. 

 

I encourage you to take a break from it like I have.

Take some weeks off away from it, months even. 

Too much time on here without purpose can be a bad thing.

 

But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. 

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As of this moment, the only reason I'm not slipping into complete hermithood is because of a single message from a friend.  She said that my words brought her to (happy) tears and gave her the energy to go about her week despite emotional setbacks.  I compared her to the a flower that managed to bloom on a rocky, wave swept outcrop I saw on the California coast.  I know it sounds cheesy as hell but it worked.  The irony is, this person is an Christian friend who I've managed to reconnect with.  

There have been a couple of people who've messaged me on here, I do appreciate that.  I also appreciate the encouragement of the posts.  However, in a grand twist of fate the people who are currently having the most positive impact on me are religious friends.  People who I turned my back on when I deconverted.  No, they aren't your back water believers either, there is actually an interesting story here but is beyond the scope of this post.  I actually feel more free being myself around them now than I do with people here.  

I will stay on Ex-C for now but will simply use much greater care.  

 

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Dude, I've sorta missed you the past few months, where you been?

 

I wouldn't advise anybody who's in a dark place to isolate themselves socially. Like @yunea, I can totally relate to those feelings of guilt btw.

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I don't know where to begin.  You can say that I'm at the end of my rope right now.  I've been on this site for a good four years and when I joined I didn't really think too much of it.  The individuals who've I've gotten to know range from those who casually chat, to friends that I physically go visit, to two past dating relationships.  However, recent events have caused me to come to a grim realization.  The net effect of those interactions has always been negative towards the other person.  I am truly vile and toxic and need to be contained in my own solitude.  No amount of effort I've put into changing myself and no method has yielded any fruit.  With that said, I ask moderators to please delete my profile permanently.  I do this as an act of compassion and caring.  That is all I have to day.

Well I don't know you, so I can't really say anything about your feelings about yourself.

 

But, I hope you'll be safe in your head.

 

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I dny really know you're situation having only recently returned myself after a long break, I kinda drifted off. I somtimes feel you're better not doing things that can't be undone. I would have regretted it to hav deleted my account. Why not take a good break and if it's right for you to come back in future then you will do so with you're account intact.

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