Margee

How to approach a believing Christian spouse with our new truth

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This has been discussed on Ex-c many times. When one partner stops believing in god, what do we do? What do we say? How do we approach the believing partner? I thought this message summed it up pretty good and might give a few good pointers for those of you who still live with a Christian believer.

 

 

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The man says it perfectly, @Margee

 

I'd sent this to the fams except for 2 things....

1. All of them would turn it off 10 seconds into it.

2. All of the undesirable affects of coming out (yes, again) would come true - some right away and others after time.

...OK... 3 things.

3. I'm a wienie. :(

 

 

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The man says it perfectly, @Margee

 

I'd sent this to the fams except for 2 things....

1. All of them would turn it off 10 seconds into it.

2. All of the undesirable affects of coming out (yes, again) would come true - some right away and others after time.

...OK... 3 things.

3. I'm a wienie. :(

 

 

 

I don't think you're a wienie at all @MOHO. Brainwashed christians can make it very hard on us when we tell them that we doubt if the christian god exists. I still think it trigger's their own doubts myself. When my atheist cousin use to tell me how foolish I was, I turned a deaf ear to him because deep, deep, deep, deep down inside...I knew there was a huge possibility that he was right and I did not want to face up to that at that time in my life. Plus believers don't want to give up their 'magical' god. I didn't. I knew I would find life a little harder without my magical god. I liked believing that something up there would protect me and my loved ones.

 

(hug)

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I don't think you're a wienie at all @MOHO. Brainwashed christians can make it very hard on us when we tell them that we doubt if the christian god exists. I still think it trigger's their own doubts myself. When my atheist cousin use to tell me how foolish I was, I turned a deaf ear to him because deep, deep, deep, deep down inside...I knew there was a huge possibility that he was right and I did not want to face up to that at that time in my life. Plus believers don't want to give up their 'magical' god. I didn't. I knew I would find life a little harder without my magical god. I liked believing that something up there would protect me and my loved ones.

 

(hug)

 

Thanx, @Margee.

 

I've hit my limit of likes for the day but I'll be back tomorrow...

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Oooo wow. Loved it. I hope I don't have to. But if I ever do I'm gonna PM that video to my wife. So far she has been....... understanding..... ? for the most part.

 

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Thanks for sharing, Margee.  The Thinking Atheist is probably my favorite podcast of its kind.  It's been a valuable resource in the later stages of my own deconversion.  Unbelievers who were once Christians themselves can certainly relate to and encourage each other.  Hey, maybe we should form a community...

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So far she has been....... understanding..... ? for the most part.

 

I know how you feel, buddy.  It could be better, but it could certainly be a hell of a lot worse too...

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The thing I struggle with is wishing my husband would have a legitimate desire to know the truth about Christianity. I am fortunate, he is VERY laidback and is more about "feeling God" and "praying to Him," and "sure, Jesus died for my sins," but I don't know that people would really know he's a Christian and he's not fundamental. He goes to church like half the time and I raised hell when we were dating about not being a "submitting wife." I just want him to give a shit enough about what he's ascribing to and research it. Own it, ya know? So frustrating.

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I thing I struggle with is wishing my husband would have a legitimate desire to know the truth about Christianity. I am fortunate, he is VERY laidback and is more about "feeling God" and "praying to Him," and "sure, Jesus died for my sins," but I don't know that people would really know he's a Christian and he's not fundamental. He goes to church like half the time and I raised hell when we were dating about not being a "submitting wife." I just want to give a shit enough about what he's ascribing to and research it. Own it, ya know? So frustrating.

 

Mrs. MOHO does read interweb articles concerning science and history but will always defer to the bable when things don't line up. And she ONLY reads those sections prescribed by the little booklets issued in bable study.

 

Of course, if they DO research what they believe in secular sources, their beliefs will surely change. RIGHT? <_<

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I know how you feel, buddy.  It could be better, but it could certainly be a hell of a lot worse too...

EXACTLY! ?

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WOW, Margee! This is SPOT ON.  All of it.  

 

I love the part where he explains how "he" found himself in a place he never expected to be...  decided to get to the bottom of it, to look at his beliefs with a commitment to truth... and found his beliefs wanting.  And that it wasn't to HURT HER, to call her stupid, to tear apart the family.

 

And given all of the potential fall out, he told her anyway - to be honest, because she is his life partner.

 

He may as well have been reading a chapter out of my biography.  EXACTLY!

 

Thank you - that was soothing to my soul (my metaphorical soul...)  =)

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Excellent video. Wish I had watched it before a conversation with my wife last evening.  She has been understanding---no, I should say tolerant---to a point, for over 20 years.  But I pushed a little too far last night.  It is interesting how people can be very perceptive in some areas, and blind in others.  I'll start a new thread about it, and would like some feedback.

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This is excellent. I wish I had the courage to send it to everyone in my family, but I don't think it would be received well.

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Two things: First, Seth Andrews is amazing. I've listened to this particular mini-episode on his The Thinking Atheist podcast more than once, and it is really good. That being said, I don't think I'm ready to press the issue with my wife any further than I already have. The first time didn't go too well. But if I'm ever in a position where I have to, I've already bookmarked this as a resource for her.

 

Second, I can most definitely relate to what Margee shared:

 

On 6/1/2017 at 1:20 PM, Margee said:

I still think it trigger's their own doubts myself. When my atheist cousin use to tell me how foolish I was, I turned a deaf ear to him because deep, deep, deep, deep down inside...I knew there was a huge possibility that he was right and I did not want to face up to that at that time in my life. Plus believers don't want to give up their 'magical' god. I didn't. I knew I would find life a little harder without my magical god. I liked believing that something up there would protect me and my loved ones. 

 

When I was a believer, I honestly felt a little threatened when reading/listening to atheistic arguments, because they were often compelling enough that I knew I couldn't really refute them, and I was afraid they might be right. I wasn't ready to accept that yet, so my defenses would go up. I try to remember this whenever I have conversations with believers now, because I know firsthand how distressing it can be to have one's dearest beliefs challenged, and the complications it can create when one actually does lay those former beliefs down. So I understand perfectly why someone would be very reluctant to do it.

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I told my husband a few months ago I needed to tell him something,that I couldn't carry it on my own anymore. We sat on the couch and I shared I wasn’t a Christian anymore and that I didn’t believe in Jesus. 

We both cried some and he told me “I’ve never been through this before but I’m here and I love you.”

And he does. Sometimes I go to church with him and our children. We still hold hands around the table to pray for dinner but he doesn’t ask me to take a turn anymore. We choose each other and I trust his heart. 

It helps that he’s never been very loud about his faith. He quietly lives it out by being a good husband and father and I’m very lucky. 

 

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On 11/17/2018 at 2:59 PM, PurpleLilac said:

I told my husband a few months ago I needed to tell him something,that I couldn't carry it on my own anymore. We sat on the couch and I shared I wasn’t a Christian anymore and that I didn’t believe in Jesus. 

We both cried some and he told me “I’ve never been through this before but I’m here and I love you.”

And he does. Sometimes I go to church with him and our children. We still hold hands around the table to pray for dinner but he doesn’t ask me to take a turn anymore. We choose each other and I trust his heart. 

It helps that he’s never been very loud about his faith. He quietly lives it out by being a good husband and father and I’m very lucky. 

 

 

Wow, I wish I had done it this way. My heartbreak decided to come out as "fuck Jesus, fuck my christian family, fuck anybody who wants to throw down right now" panicked, rushing, "need-to-know-the-answers-right-now" way. I'm so proud of how you handled this!!!

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57 minutes ago, ag_NO_stic said:

 

Wow, I wish I had done it this way. My heartbreak decided to come out as "fuck Jesus, fuck my christian family, fuck anybody who wants to throw down right now" panicked, rushing, "need-to-know-the-answers-right-now" way. I'm so proud of how you handled this!!!

Thank you. It helped so much that we went to group therapy together for a few months. He watched the cracks in my faith form and saw the changes in me. More importantly,he grasped how crucial it was to be there and love me unconditionally. 

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