Selfish Christians

[Wittyusername]

I know I need to get over it but bitterness is eating me up inside. There are two things I keep chewing over.

 

1. When I was at uni I was in a flat share with four middle class Christian girls. They had student allowances etc. but for various reasons I needed to work in order to buy food to eat and buy books. I did a night shift in a factory a few days a week and with that money I would buy food & essentials. My shifts were 7pm-7am in a factory. I would sometimes have class the same day so would try and get a few hours sleep when I got home...However these Christians would be in the room next to my bedroom at 8.30/9am having a bloody prayer meeting 'to dedicate the day to God '. They would pray in tongues and 'sing in the spirit'. I find earplugs very uncomfortable and usually take them out in my sleep anyway so don't bother. To this day I don't think the irony struck them that they are praying to be supernaturally holy, but even a gang of drugs dealers would know enough that waking someone up after night shift is incredibly selfish.

 

2. My husband had a monumental psychotic breakdown and it included gambling away our savings and prostitutes - male and female. It ended up in the papers...His Christian family organised a prayer meeting 'because I need to forgive him'. They have none of them lifted a finger to help and I see now that they just wanted to make sure that they were not stick with having to look after him. Our pastor told them all I was atheist a few months after all that (breach of confidence!) and they had the nerve to say 'we will pray for you now that the devil has clouded your mind'. No shame that they did fuck all to help during a crisis and actually actively made things worse.

 

How do these people look themselves in eye in the mirror?

[Bedouin]

Witty, seems like these incidents have been weighing on you for awhile, and I get it.

 

My entire family is and always has been christian, to varying degrees, from lip service to avid believers.  When I began to move away from what I was taught from childhood on, I went through a time of resentment bordering on hostility.  As time went on, I eventually arrived at a point where I realized that I was never going to change them, or how they thought.

 

Here's a recent example.  I have an aunt that just turned 100 years old.  She is and always has been as strong a woman as I have ever seen.  She fell ill, and had to have intestinal surgery.  Prior to the surgery, my family got on the phone with the surgeon to pray with and for him.  From what I understand, he was agreeable.  The surgery was successful, my aunt is recovering nicely.  Text messages on my phone exploded with "praise god," and "glory to god,"  etc., etc.

 

In the past, I would have lashed out at them mercilessly, pointing out that maybe they should have been saying "thank you Mr. Surgeon," or "medical school is wonderful."

 

But, I just let it go, because my silence spoke far more than any sarcastic, barbed remarks ever could, and all of them absolutely know where I stand.

 

What's the point?  Prayers are what the religious do, because that is a way to make themselves feel good about doing nothing.

[Lydie]

How does one move forward especially since you no longer have the mental infrastructure of 'forgive us as we forgive them'?

[midniterider]

 

How does one move forward especially since you no longer have the mental infrastructure of 'forgive us as we forgive them'?

 

 

I think forgiveness is overrated. Just thinking about forgiving someone keeps that rotten feeling recycling in your head (well, my head, anyway).

 

Moving forward involves spending less time thinking about  people who have done you wrong but where you want to go, what you want to do, who you now want to be with. What direction do you want to head towards?

 

And your mental infrastructure can be whatever you want it to be. Real forgiveness isn't necessarily a ceremony, after which you no longer feel anger. It could be more like years and years of time go by and you just don't care about what those losers are doing anymore.

 

Obligatory disclaimer: If bitterness is causing you major distress, see a professional.

[ConsiderTheSource]

Witty they are all, when pushed, self serving bastards. All of them.

 Still waiting 25 years later for the promised follow ups and help the church elders (including my brother) promised my family after a Sunday school teacher sexually abused my 3 year old son.  Bastatds.  

[Lydie]

 

Witty they are all, when pushed, self serving bastards. All of them.

 Still waiting 25 years later for the promised follow ups and help the church elders (including my brother) promised my family after a Sunday school teacher sexually abused my 3 year old son.  Bastatds.  

Did you take it to police? The rest as accomplices? That's awful. So sorry ?

[ConsiderTheSource]

The year was 1990.  A much different time than today.  Back then, very little could be without witnessed evidence.  Back then the behavior changes in my son, his sudden dislike for his favorite toy, his anguished screams of "Don't touch my penis! Don't touch my penis" when when carefully asked him questions meant little.  Ditto for the second family in the church this mobster impacted.  His bruised penis could easily put him temporarily in state child custody.  Back then, there was no such things as manditory reporters.  The church elders made it clear that WE could be sued for false claims.  They also refuse to ban him from the church.  We made them promise to tell us anytime they saw him in the church building.  Everytime they saw him, no one came to warn us.  Everytime I called the head elder.  Every time he acted "dumb" and would promise to tell us the next time.  Everytime, this cycle repeated itself. Eventually, they got the sicko to leave....still wonder to this day if they paid him to leave.   Elders promised to pray with us, they never did.  Elders promised to follow up with us annually, they never did.  Our only outlet were the "loving care groups" AKA home bible study group.  Here both families impact could emote, seek compassion, and prayer.  Then, about a month later the leader of the group stood up and said that we would not be allowed to speak of our situation again.  He would not tell us why.  But, it was the church that clearly interviened.  Fuck that home leader!  Now, we had no one but ourselves.  Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

The advice from our councilor was to not talk about, and to not suddenly change church environments, so as not to imprint any memories on his 3 year old mind.  So,  Instead, we stayed another 6 months, and found another church.  The next piece of counciling was that we needed to keep quite about it until he was a productive adult.  This meant never being able to explain the obvious tension between my brother and myself to anyone.  Of course people tried to fill in the blanks.  Of course, they were wrong.  Of course my brother made me look like the bad guy.  And, of course, I could not defend with the truth

Four years ago I sat down with my adult son for the "big talk".  Turns out, this plan worked.  He had no memory of what happened to him.  No one had told him anything during the 22 years.  So, yes, it all worked out in the end for our son.  My brother passed away 12 years ago to cancer.  I went to his kid to explain the real story, the truth, why there really was this stress in the family.  I figured it would not fix anything, and I was right.  Few children want to replace a positive view of their father with a negative, but truthful one.

So, thanks to the church, risk losing my child, and I have lost all relationships with my remaining family ( I have been a parentless, siblingless sole family survivor since I turned 45 in 2005).

 

Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

[MOHO]

 

Witty they are all, when pushed, self serving bastards. All of them.

 Still waiting 25 years later for the promised follow ups and help the church elders (including my brother) promised my family after a Sunday school teacher sexually abused my 3 year old son.  Bastatds.  

Fucking-AY, @ConsiderTheSource

I had no idea.

I am very sorry this happened to your son.

You must want to pound on someone.

[MOHO]

 

The year was 1990.  A much different time than today.  Back then, very little could be without witnessed evidence.  Back then the behavior changes in my son, his sudden dislike for his favorite toy, his anguished screams of "Don't touch my penis! Don't touch my penis" when when carefully asked him questions meant little.  Ditto for the second family in the church this mobster impacted.  His bruised penis could easily put him temporarily in state child custody.  Back then, there was no such things as manditory reporters.  The church elders made it clear that WE could be sued for false claims.  They also refuse to ban him from the church.  We made them promise to tell us anytime they saw him in the church building.  Everytime they saw him, no one came to warn us.  Everytime I called the head elder.  Every time he acted "dumb" and would promise to tell us the next time.  Everytime, this cycle repeated itself. Eventually, they got the sicko to leave....still wonder to this day if they paid him to leave.   Elders promised to pray with us, they never did.  Elders promised to follow up with us annually, they never did.  Our only outlet were the "loving care groups" AKA home bible study group.  Here both families impact could emote, seek compassion, and prayer.  Then, about a month later the leader of the group stood up and said that we would not be allowed to speak of our situation again.  He would not tell us why.  But, it was the church that clearly interviened.  Fuck that home leader!  Now, we had no one but ourselves.  Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

The advice from our councilor was to not talk about, and to not suddenly change church environments, so as not to imprint any memories on his 3 year old mind.  So,  Instead, we stayed another 6 months, and found another church.  The next piece of counciling was that we needed to keep quite about it until he was a productive adult.  This meant never being able to explain the obvious tension between my brother and myself to anyone.  Of course people tried to fill in the blanks.  Of course, they were wrong.  Of course my brother made me look like the bad guy.  And, of course, I could not defend with the truth

Four years ago I sat down with my adult son for the "big talk".  Turns out, this plan worked.  He had no memory of what happened to him.  No one had told him anything during the 22 years.  So, yes, it all worked out in the end for our son.  My brother passed away 12 years ago to cancer.  I went to his kid to explain the real story, the truth, why there really was this stress in the family.  I figured it would not fix anything, and I was right.  Few children want to replace a positive view of their father with a negative, but truthful one.

So, thanks to the church, risk losing my child, and I have lost all relationships with my remaining family ( I have been a parentless, siblingless sole family survivor since I turned 45 in 2005).

 

Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

 

Abusing your son and then THREATENING you if you report it to the authorities!

 

THAT is as low as it gets!

[ConsiderTheSource]

Thank You Moho.  To be "fair" to the bastards, the lawsuit they were referring to would be the one coming from the monster for defamation, and not a, lawsuit coming from the church.  

[Lydie]

Is the monster still alive? I'm a bit confused.

[nutrichuckles93]

 

The year was 1990.  A much different time than today.  Back then, very little could be without witnessed evidence.  Back then the behavior changes in my son, his sudden dislike for his favorite toy, his anguished screams of "Don't touch my penis! Don't touch my penis" when when carefully asked him questions meant little.  Ditto for the second family in the church this mobster impacted.  His bruised penis could easily put him temporarily in state child custody.  Back then, there was no such things as manditory reporters.  The church elders made it clear that WE could be sued for false claims.  They also refuse to ban him from the church.  We made them promise to tell us anytime they saw him in the church building.  Everytime they saw him, no one came to warn us.  Everytime I called the head elder.  Every time he acted "dumb" and would promise to tell us the next time.  Everytime, this cycle repeated itself. Eventually, they got the sicko to leave....still wonder to this day if they paid him to leave.   Elders promised to pray with us, they never did.  Elders promised to follow up with us annually, they never did.  Our only outlet were the "loving care groups" AKA home bible study group.  Here both families impact could emote, seek compassion, and prayer.  Then, about a month later the leader of the group stood up and said that we would not be allowed to speak of our situation again.  He would not tell us why.  But, it was the church that clearly interviened.  Fuck that home leader!  Now, we had no one but ourselves.  Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

The advice from our councilor was to not talk about, and to not suddenly change church environments, so as not to imprint any memories on his 3 year old mind.  So,  Instead, we stayed another 6 months, and found another church.  The next piece of counciling was that we needed to keep quite about it until he was a productive adult.  This meant never being able to explain the obvious tension between my brother and myself to anyone.  Of course people tried to fill in the blanks.  Of course, they were wrong.  Of course my brother made me look like the bad guy.  And, of course, I could not defend with the truth

Four years ago I sat down with my adult son for the "big talk".  Turns out, this plan worked.  He had no memory of what happened to him.  No one had told him anything during the 22 years.  So, yes, it all worked out in the end for our son.  My brother passed away 12 years ago to cancer.  I went to his kid to explain the real story, the truth, why there really was this stress in the family.  I figured it would not fix anything, and I was right.  Few children want to replace a positive view of their father with a negative, but truthful one.

So, thanks to the church, risk losing my child, and I have lost all relationships with my remaining family ( I have been a parentless, siblingless sole family survivor since I turned 45 in 2005).

 

Bastards.  All of them.  Bastards.

I don't have anything significant to add other than to reiterate:

 

Fuck those fucking fuckers.

 

I can't imagine that kind of pain. I'm so, so sorry to hear about that.

[ConsiderTheSource]

Thank You Moho.  To be "fair" to the bastards, the lawsuit they were referring to would be the one coming from the monster for defamation, and not a, lawsuit coming from the church.  

[ConsiderTheSource]

Lydie, Yes.  Moved to a different town.  But, yes.  Never ended up on any sex offender list.  Statue of limitations is well past.  And, yes, I worry he may have reoffended.  But, I have no evidence one way or the other.