Should I feel quilty of lying to others for so many years?

[Lost]

As I read different stories here on forum I realized that many of You were truly "REAL" Christians.

 

Everyone here come out to families and church so quickly. I'm paralyzed when I think about it. My only problem is church, cause my family is not that religious.

 

I was just a fearful girl who found peace and sense to live in Catholic Church after mum's death...in high school I became interested in Biblical Christianity, because of stuff that I found on the Internet. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I always had concern that I should go deeply into evolution, but I was scared to loose God and in the same time my sanity.

 

I don't understand myself, why I went to Evangelical Church, started hung out with people there and decided to baptized although about 1 month before baptism I LOST my faith? I don't know if I will ever hear story like this. How can someone decide to be a Christian and in the same time lose faith?

After baptism I was trying to convince myself that God is real, maybe scientists lie and so on...

I went through period of depersonalization, because of that.

 

In my church there are mostly elderly people (so church is not that active like those that have lots of youth), so I got to conclusion...well maybe to the end of my busy studies I will survive there, despite of doubts.

 

I survived in church 6 years since April 2011 and 2 or 3 more years of hiding are coming. Maybe I will survive and I will be still alive, cause I don't know when my life might come to the end.

 

I'm afraid to come out to them now, cause I'm afaraid that they won't believe that I was hiding my doubts and double-life for so long. I have other problems, I go to psychologist who try to understand me. Nothing works for me...

 

I hide everything before them, cause I want my perfect plan to come true...silent and quick escape abroad to work there alone. 

 

I'm also afraid that one of my friends in church who had mental breakdowns since her childhood would kill herself or became suicidal, if she find out that my faith advices for her and my friendship are all fake. I like her much more than other people in my church, but lying to her especially makes me so quilty!

 

Should I feel quilty of lying to others?

 

Would You understand such a person like me?

 

I don't know if I can justify myself. I went completely insane. 

 

[knightcore]

I spent two years doing student leadership for summer missions, and I didn't believe any of it. I wanted to for the sake of others, but all my Christian advice and words and council were just parroting things I thought sounded good. Some of this was advice to people who were suicidal or self harming. Some of it was to people in breakups or other emotional situations. You just... say what you need to.

 

No you shouldn't feel guilty, you weren't ready to leave and you had to pass as Christian.

 

Of course some people will understand, others won't but they don't matter in the long run.

 

Do what is good for yourself, I'm sorry that this is such a heavy weight on your heart.

[Wittyusername]

You're feeling very conflicted which is understandable. What many have found is that 'out of sight=out of mind' to a lot of church people. There is no need to make an announcement or write a letter or whatever. Your faith is your business and at the end of the day, most don't care unless you are directly challenging them.

 

Let's say you used to go once a week. Cut down to once a fortnight for a couple of weeks. Then once a month for a few weeks after that, then one or two times after that. If anyone asks just say you've been busy with work, away, whatever.

 

For your friend who you are concerned about, yes, a declaration of what you have written could make her unstable. Friendships often fade away with time, without any drama, so just let that happen here.

Churchie: 'Why haven't you been coming'

You: 'been busy'

Churchie: Put God first !

You: 'Yes, hopefully work should ease up soon'

Churchie: 'I can really feel the Spirit moving!'

You: 'yes, you're right ' (in that persons mind it probably is).

Churchie: 'I have a word from the Lord!'

You: thanks for sharing that

Churchie: 'what a powerful message '

you : it certainly was (in brainwashing)

Churchie: what bible book are you reading? 

You: some of the gospels focusing on Jesus message of love.

 

Avoid small groups, prayer meetings etc.

 

Many here have found that even as a worship leader, at church three times a week plus rehearsals, no one really followed up when they left and people they thought were friends actually weren't very interested to find out why they no longer attended.

 

all the best to you.

[ToHellWithMe]

There's no 'should'. Either you feel guilty or you don't. You probably feel something because you took the trouble to write. Figuring out what it is and what it is related to may be useful...or may not. I mean, you'll feel it regardless.

[Rounin]

I don't think what you did was wrong enough to feel extremely guilty over.

Although you hid the truth from many people, it doesn't seem like you've done anything bad to them beyond that.

Perhaps it was a little wrong, but most of all it seems like you should be kinder to yourself.

 

I agree that it might be best to not tell person you've been giving advice to.

But other than that, perhaps it's time to start going less to church?

Either way, best of luck to you!

[Lost]

 

I spent two years doing student leadership for summer missions, and I didn't believe any of it. I wanted to for the sake of others, but all my Christian advice and words and council were just parroting things I thought sounded good. Some of this was advice to people who were suicidal or self harming. Some of it was to people in breakups or other emotional situations. You just... say what you need to.

 

It had to be really mentally exhausting to participate in something what you didn't believe in.

 

Almost 2 weeks ago I came back from a Christian conference about " Chalenges of 21st century". Mostly there was lots of talk about refugees. There also was some pressure to meet a potential partner for life. I had to hide as much as I could from potential husbands...lol

 

There was also a sermon about living a full life for Jesus, not only doing something for Him. When preacher mentioned about being true and not wearing masks I realized that it's definitely about me. Yeah...it's weird and harmful to live a double life...I would never thought in my childhood imaginations that it will happen to me-to be a liar.

 

There is this desire to be a believer and coming back to a comfort zone, but in the same time there too much pressure and control in churches in a very "unseen" way that I just hardly stand.

 

I said to myself after this conference that I have to go to my sister (to another town, far where I live) in one year for 2 weeks or a month for holidays and finally...send to some members of church letters. I have to do it simply and short. I don't know how I will handle loneliness that will come after actually leaving a church and how they will take, but...Lost...please You have to do this.

 

I feel sorry the most for a girl in my church that put trust in God with all her heart that she and her boyfriend will be healed from depression.

She likes me, she thinks that I am a believer and likes my advices. I don't want to hurt her as a friend . I'm afraid that my confession about loosing faith and lying aboiut being a believer may really affect her mental health :/

 

But finally one day, I will have to confess...

 

 

But other than that, perhaps it's time to start going less to church?

 

Luckily my studies from October to June keep me super busy, so usually I am not that often on meetings during a week.

 

 

There is something called doing what it took to survive.  You were in crisis and not really knowing what to do.  It is kind of like being in a war zone.  Not everything is pretty or nice. 

 

Thank You Burnedout for this reference to war. It helped me to see my struggle in a new way

[Ablemate]

Hi Lost

It does sound like you are being way too hard on yourself.

 

Ask yourself this. If you approached senior church members and said you have doubts what would they do? Doubts are fine anyway. You call yourself a liar but I think you should call yourself a doubter. You are worried about this friend. Perhaps she has doubts. Maybe you could tell her you are having doubts. Tell her you came for comfort after your mum died but you aren't sure it is helping any more. She may surprise you. Either way you have closure and can move on.

 

I don't see any need for you to open up and have a big declaration you are leaving. Xians are actually very self obsessed and won't miss you if you stop going. Maybe you want them to care. Maybe you will be hurt and upset to find they don't really care at all despite all their Xian good deeds !! Maybe you need to distance yourself and figure out what it is you want from life. You don't sound all that happy and contented in this Xian community but you fear the alternative(s).

 

You list some good interests. Can you involve yourself more in these? Are you actually a nurse? Can you get involved in campaigning on any of the social issues or mental health? One often meets new people with similar interests in doing such things. Perhaps this can help you move away from the church.

[disillusioned]

Nah, you're good.

[Lilith666]

No. Christianity forces de-converts into hiding with its cliquish us-vs.-them attitude and attempts to reel "backsliders" back in. You did what you had to do to protect yourself.

[Ellinas]

Not everyone here came out quickly  Some still have not after some considerable time.

 

I'm one of them.

 

The issue, for me, is quite simple.  Sod the church - but it would have a potentially severe effect on my wife who has her entire family and social circle within the church.

 

I feel no guilt.  Frustration, yes.  But why should I worry about lying to those who build their lives on  believing lies?  In fact, if any of them really think I believe the same as they do given my pretty obvious withdrawal from active participation and general attitude, they are either blind or willingly suspending their own disbelief.

 

Be that as it may, you do what you have to do in your own circumstance.  No guilt, no reason to feel a need to justify yourself, no reason to fear a lack of understanding.