I Came Out Atheist, Broke My Mom's Heart, But We're OK

[hillis]

Coming Out Atheist to My Mother

 

http://voicesofdeconversion.com/coming-out-atheist-to-my-mother  (with pictures & easier to read)

 

It is a night I will never forget. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot outside my apartment. I was about to make a phone call that would change everything. I couldn’t help but wonder if at that very moment my mother was relaxing in her chair at home, watching a favorite TV show or reading a favorite book. This is something she often did on weekend evenings. She was completely unaware of the bomb that was about to drop. At the same time, I was also in full control of whether the bomb would be dropped that night, the next night or if it even dropped at all. I had certainly considered taking this secret with me to the grave or at the least keeping it with me for a few more years. Nothing was forcing me to tell her. On the other hand, suppressing my secret for another day, another week or another year had become entirely unbearable. I had to say something.
 

I grew up in a conservative Christian home. I can remember only a handful of times that our family did not go to church on a Sunday. God was a big part of my family’s life. I remember as a child asking my mother many questions about God and the Bible. I remember asking her about the End Times and when Jesus would return. I also remember asking her what God would think if someday I dated or married a catholic girl. This was all hypothetical of course and had nothing to do with the cute girl who sat next to me in 6^th grade. Throughout the years, my mother was the one who I talked with about faith more than anyone else. Around the age of 15 I began to take my faith more seriously. I started to listen to the Christian radio station and borrowed a few of my mom’s Christian cassette tapes. This was also around the time that I began reading the Bible on my own. By the end of High School I was a deeply devout and passionate Christian. My faith was becoming my own, having been carefully guided and shaped by my parents through the years.  

 

By the age of 23 my wife and I were married with two children. Our decision to immediately have children was based on our belief that God did not intend Christian’s to use birth control. That is another story altogether. During this time I was pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in Biblical Studies with the intention of becoming a pastor. Needless to say, the course for my life seemed clear. There was nothing I was more certain about. It was inconceivable that just two years later I would no longer consider myself a Christian.

 

So there I was, sitting in my car and faced with telling my mother that I did not believe in God. As I mentioned previously, I didn’t have to tell her that night. I didn’t have to tell her at all. But I couldn’t take it anymore. The previous Easter I remember we had gone to my parent’s house for the annual Easter egg hunt and dinner. As we were walking out the door my mom chanted a familiar saying to my two young boys, “He has risen!”  The appropriate Christian response to this is to respond back, “He has risen indeed!” However, I had not passed this mantra down to my children because I did not believe it to be true anymore. I made a comment to my mom at that moment that the boys had not learned this yet. She thought nothing of it. They were only 3 and 5 years old at the time. It was this little exchange as we left her house that made it clear to me that I could not go on pretending for much longer. It was that, in addition to being asked to pray at weddings, family gatherings, etc. I felt so conflicted inside because on the one hand I wanted to keep the peace in the family and let things continue as they had for many years. On the other hand, I felt like a fake by keeping this secret inside. I’m not good at pretending to be somebody that I am not. I knew the day would soon come when I had to be honest and let my family know that things had changed. 

 

A month after my 28^th birthday, that day had come. Thanksgiving and Christmas were still a month or two away and there was not another Hilliker family birthday for a while. In other words, it was a better time than most to break the news. I had given a lot of thought to timing. I wanted to give my mom a chance to process what I was telling her and definitely not around a birthday or holiday. I had given some thought to telling her in person, but I decided if I told her by phone that this would provide her with the opportunity to hang up if things got overwhelming. I knew the conversation would not last incredibly long. In all honesty, it also would have been pretty difficult to tell her in person. 

 

I was sitting alone in my car just waiting to get up the nerve to call. I had also recently been inspired to come out as an atheist when reading the book The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins. At the end of the book he takes time to encourage new atheists to come out. It motivated me and was the final push I needed to make the call. When she picked up the phone she answered with such a warm and happy tone, “Hi Steven.” My stomach was in knots already. I tried to make small talk for a few minutes to put off the inevitable. I wasn’t very good at it. I tried to work into the topic as slowly as possible. This type of news doesn’t go over well in general. My mom was going to be devastated.
 

I eventually got up the nerve to say that my opinions about God and Christianity had changed. She asked me to clarify. Her tone began to sound concerned. It took me some time to respond. After a long-winded round-a-bout reply, I eventually got around to saying it, “I don’t believe in God anymore.” Her response will be etched in my memory forever, “Steven, you’re breaking my heart.” Truth be told, it was breaking my heart too.  There was nothing in my mother’s life that meant more to her than faith. To know that one of her children had left the faith was for her, an unbearable thought. I would later describe that moment to my wife by telling her that it felt like I was plunging a knife into my mother’s heart. My description sounds extreme I know, but it is completely the way I felt at that moment. I had betrayed her, broken her heart and disappointed her all in one moment. I had blind-sided her.

All these years later it still feels so horrible when I think about it. What made it worse was my understanding that she was experiencing intense emotional pain and that I was the cause of that pain. I knew I had to be true to myself and to my opinions and feelings about God, but that did not lessen the crushing impact of that moment. 
 

She asked me to explain my reasoning, which I did in more detail than I think she was hoping for. My journey from faith to non-belief was very academic. After obtaining a four-year degree in Biblical Studies, one thing was clear to me: The Bible was a very human book. I had knowledge of mistakes, errors and human influences that for me prevented any misconception about the Bible being divinely inspired at all. For others it may be the suffering they see in the world or an unanswered prayer, but for me it ultimately came down to the facts about the Bible. Nevertheless, I still hold a very nostalgic feeling toward the Bible, although that may seem peculiar to some. I enjoy reading it from time to time and have my favorite verses even today. One of these verses in fact helped me in my transition from Christian to non-believer.  1 Samuel 16:7 says, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” What this verse meant to me was that no matter what people would think of me and my new opinions, if God did exist he would understand my heart, my motivations and the sincerity of my doubts. I never doubted because I was upset with God. I never doubted because God didn’t answer my prayers. I doubted because the Bible gave me reason to doubt. If there was a way that God could explain the human influences, errors and mistakes, then I of all people was ready to listen. I had built my whole life, family and career goals around the Bible. There was nothing more important to me than my relationship with God. I knew that God knew that too. I knew that he would surely understand my heart and the intellectual sincerity of my doubts. So, I put my faith in the fact that God knew my questions came from a place of honesty. This is what I explained to my mother. If God exists, then he understands my doubts and I am open to hear his answers.   

My mother didn’t last much longer on the phone call. The emotional impact was intense on both ends of the phone.  At some point I remember her telling me that she needed to get off the phone. We quickly and uncomfortably said goodbye and it was over. I simultaneously had feelings of relief and regret. I was relieved that the conversation had finally occurred, but I felt regret for the potential fallout and loss of relationship with my mother.

 

At that moment I had no idea what the impact would be on my relationship with my parents. Some parents refuse to speak to their children after a revelation like this. Other parents try their best to maintain the relationship, but they grow emotionally distant. I also had no idea how this would impact my other relationships in life. How would my sisters respond? How would my friends respond? I didn’t like the idea of causing so much interpersonal turmoil.

 

Fast forward one decade and I am happy to say that I still have a very close relationship with my entire family. My mother and I have only spoken of this issue twice since my phone call 10 years ago. This gives you an indication of how our relationship was most certainly altered, but thankfully not lost. I know that this is not the case for many atheists or agnostics who openly express their views to family and friends. To the lifelong non-believer it makes no sense that an opinion about God’s existence could so seriously threaten life’s most important relationships. It is simply an opinion after all. But to the Christian, there is nothing worse than knowing a loved one who does not share a belief in God. No matter the good they do, no matter the love they share with others, to the Christian this person is bound for eternal separation from God and eternal punishment in the most horrible place anyone could imagine.
 

My mother lives with this reality anytime she is reminded that I am an atheist. (I can’t imagine she thinks on these things for very long.) When I considered the pain I would cause by revealing my true thoughts to her, I also knew that this pain for her would in some sense never go away. Having been a Christian, I understood that very well. Knowing what I know now about the impact of that phone call on her and our relationship, was it really the right thing for me to do? Yes, it absolutely was. I actually think that she would say it was the right thing too. It was the right thing to do because it was the honest thing to do. Every worthwhile relationship in life is based in honesty. If I had not been honest, the closeness of our relationship would have been a deception. The fact that our relationship survived such a significant revelation says a lot. It says that my mother means a lot to me. I was determined to be honest even when it threatened our relationship the most. I was determined to be honest precisely because she meant so much to me. There is no compulsion to be transparent in a situation like this if the relationship is superficial.  It says a lot about my mother too. To my mother, I am not an atheist. I am her son.  She loves me for the person I am, not for the opinions I have. In the end, what really matters is not opinions, but relationships. In exchange for the sacrifice we experienced and the pain that endures, my mother and I gained a deeper understanding of one another. We share a realization that our bond is strong. It is strong enough to endure this hell, and a hell-of-a-lot stronger than we knew. 

----------------------------------------
 

I started the Voices of Deconversion podcast to encourage others.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/voices-of-deconversion
http://voicesofdeconversion.com/home/
 

@vodpodcast 

 

[florduh]

Welcome to Ex-C!

 

I'm glad it went better for you than most. It was study of the Bible, Moody was the final nail so to speak, and leaving Christianity was not an emotional decision for me either. Emotional decisions are what trap you into Christianity but reason can get you out.

 

Most Christians seem to get it backwards, love trumps religion, not the other way around. You are lucky.

[Tsathoggua9]

Great story! I'm happy for you.

I'm in pretty much the same situation. My family understands that I'm no longer a Christian, but for some utterly inexplicable reason, they still choose to pal around with me from time to time.

[buffettphan]

Your story illustrates one of my favorite quotes:

 

“Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.”

― Isaac Asimov

 

 

 

Welcome to Ex-C!  Hope to read more from you.  I'm happy that a real-life parent/child relationship won out over an imaginary "friend". 

[nutrichuckles93]

 

Your story illustrates one of my favorite quotes:

 

“Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.”

― Isaac Asimov

 

 

 

Welcome to Ex-C!  Hope to read more from you.  I'm happy that a real-life parent/child relationship won out over an imaginary "friend". 

I will never not "like" this quote.

[hillis]

Wow, thanks everyone! You're all so encouraging. I appreciate that. Love the Asimov quote ?

 

I feel the last phase of my development following deconversion is coming out (in a somewhat subtle way) on Facebook. I have such a strong desire to just be who I am and not care what others think, but also to just know that others know where I'm at...that's important to me for some reason. I plan to tell my story for the podcast eventually and when I do, then I'll post it on Facebook and those in my life who are curious can really hear my story, but not have the awkward face to face conversation. It's kind of the final place where many people don't know.

 

Anyone else have the compulsion to tell everyone in their life like I do?

[MOHO]

 

Wow, thanks everyone! You're all so encouraging. I appreciate that. Love the Asimov quote ?

 

I feel the last phase of my development following deconversion is coming out (in a somewhat subtle way) on Facebook. I have such a strong desire to just be who I am and not care what others think, but also to just know that others know where I'm at...that's important to me for some reason. I plan to tell my story for the podcast eventually and when I do, then I'll post it on Facebook and those in my life who are curious can really hear my story, but not have the awkward face to face conversation. It's kind of the final place where many people don't know.

 

Anyone else have the compulsion to tell everyone in their life like I do?

 

yes.

Yes I do.

 

Did that back in 2014 and, let's just say, it did not go as well for me as it did for you. In fact the tension in the house (just me and Mrs. MOHO at this point) was so thick that it stained the walls and we had to paint them each year! So stressful was the situation that I had to start going to church again in an attempt to relieve it.

 

At this point I wish I had not gone back and I think my wife and step-son have a pretty good idea of where I am. But still I want to shout at the top of my lungs that I don't believe, why I don't believe, and that I can assist them in their journey out of religion, if they so desire.

 

The fams, however, are very devout and are very very strong survivalists. They view anyone with any point of view the slightest bit different than theirs as mortal enemies to be dealt with swiftly and surely.

 

But, as @Florduh has pointed out numerous times on this site, living a lie is tougher, in the long run, than honesty.

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Wow, thanks everyone! You're all so encouraging. I appreciate that. Love the Asimov quote ?

 

I feel the last phase of my development following deconversion is coming out (in a somewhat subtle way) on Facebook. I have such a strong desire to just be who I am and not care what others think, but also to just know that others know where I'm at...that's important to me for some reason. I plan to tell my story for the podcast eventually and when I do, then I'll post it on Facebook and those in my life who are curious can really hear my story, but not have the awkward face to face conversation. It's kind of the final place where many people don't know.

 

Anyone else have the compulsion to tell everyone in their life like I do?

 

Absolutely I do and I'm only a little baby de-convert compared to you. I bawled the entire way through your story. I would never want to take away from your experience by muddling it with mine, it just felt like you were speaking for the deepest parts of my soul. Thank you for your voice, it's giving others (like me) more strength.

[Margee]

Welcome to Ex-c hillis. And thank you so much for sharing that (very hard) heartwarming  testimony. Wow. That was so hard for you to do.

 

I am so happy that you and your mom still have a good relationship. She sounds like a very special and gracious lady. And you sound like a true empathetic man. I am so glad you are here with us. It is so wonderful when you can be exactly who you really are with your friends and family. I'm so happy for you because as you said, unfortunately, it doesn't work out that way with everyone.  Looking forward to reading more from you! 

[MOHO]

Welcome to Ex-C, hillis.

Thank you for sharing.

Your post will surely encourage others to "come out".

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Wow, thanks everyone! You're all so encouraging. I appreciate that. Love the Asimov quote ?

 

I feel the last phase of my development following deconversion is coming out (in a somewhat subtle way) on Facebook. I have such a strong desire to just be who I am and not care what others think, but also to just know that others know where I'm at...that's important to me for some reason. I plan to tell my story for the podcast eventually and when I do, then I'll post it on Facebook and those in my life who are curious can really hear my story, but not have the awkward face to face conversation. It's kind of the final place where many people don't know.

 

Anyone else have the compulsion to tell everyone in their life like I do?

 

I  meant to mention this in my earlier reply....isn't it interesting how much MORE willing and excited you are to tell people about "the good news" this time around? I hid my Christianity, I want to shout my athiestish-agnosticness from the mountaintops.

[BobCu]

ag_NO_stic Your non-stop animation is distracting and disgusting.

[ag_NO_stic]

 

ag_NO_stic Your non-stop animation is distracting and disgusting.

 

I'm happy to take it down if it's annoying people, but the bigger issue is you being kinda douchey in how you handled it. I mean seriously, you commented on a thread about someone's deconversion story breaking their mother's heart to publicly try to embarrass me instead of just messaging me? I almost ignored you, then decided to call you out on kind of a dick move. 

[hillis]

Since I can't quite figure out how to "like" various replies to my post, just gonna say thanks again to those who welcomed me and left encouraging comments  
I really appreciate it. I definitely recognize that I am fortunate to not have lost any significant relationships when I "came out" atheist. My heart goes out to all of you who did lose significant relationships. 

[buffettphan]

Since I can't quite figure out how to "like" various replies to my post.....

 

That ability will automatically happen when you post a certain number of comments (25 iirc).  Your status will change from New Member to Regular Member.  Welcome to Ex-C and keep on postin'.    

 

 

[Guest]

Wow, I couldn't get through this dry eyed. You are so lucky to have a close relationship with your mom to this day and you write so eloquently of the experience. I have yet to tell my family, and I fear the impact this news will have on them, particularly my mom, as I've seen them go through it before. We've always been close and I wonder if that closeness will survive this kind of change. I hope that it will. I have struggled with the extent to which I should describe this process to my parents when I tell them, or if I should tell them much of anything about what I think. I realize that my words will probably simply reveal "how far I've fallen away from God" for them, and they will never truly appreciate how difficult this process has been for me, and never truly think about it from my perspective. How can they, when fundies aren't allowed to think!

You've given me some courage to put myself out there when the time comes, and to let the chips fall where they will.

[Lerk]

 

I started the Voices of Deconversion podcast to encourage others.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/voices-of-deconversion
http://voicesofdeconversion.com/home/
 

@vodpodcast 

 

 

I plan to listen!

[willybilly30]

I am glad your mom accepted you and you are in a good relationship. I understand you taking guidance from the bible I do that as well as other religions. There is good advice and As a Atheist you can ignore the spiritual mumbo jumbo. Glad to have you here 

[florduh]

On 6/9/2017 at 4:23 PM, BobCu said:

ag_NO_stic Your non-stop animation is distracting and disgusting.

And this is appropriate? Get over yourself.

[Guest llllll]

I am happy for you, Steven.

[Guest llllll]

But for me, I am still hiding....

[mymistake]

11 hours ago, llllll said:

But for me, I am still hiding....

 

 

That is fine.  The right path for you depends on your family, what kind of community you live in and other factors that are unique to your situation.  If you don't feel safe telling others than don't.  I live in a farming community that is super Christian so I don't advertise my lack of faith.  I don't need headaches.

[Joshpantera]

On 6/9/2017 at 4:23 PM, BobCu said:

ag_NO_stic Your non-stop animation is distracting and disgusting.

 That was random. WTF? 

 

On 6/8/2017 at 1:41 AM, hillis said:

She was completely unaware of the bomb that was about to drop.

 

Welcome, and good on you!

 

Lucky for me, I got to drop that bomb on my parents while on home leave from boarding academy back in 93'. I remember my mom crying and being in denial about it. She eventually came to her senses over the years and now she classifies herself as agnostic atheist too, following my example.

 

My dad's an agnostic theist, basically, but of the non-religious variety. He's not for church at all anymore. Just a vague sense that a god may have created the world. He never really studied the counter arguments to god belief in general. We're descended from William Miller of the Millerite movement in the 19th century which falsely predicted the end of the world three times, and then broke up and became Seventh Day Adventism: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millerism

 

This is a paternal descent. Adventism lasted right down to my generation, then took a big hit in this family. So old Miller is probably rolling over in his grave as the family continuously evolves into atheists. It took a long time, but we eventually got there. At least this branch anyways...

[Samuel]

I’m so impressed that you were able to keep the relationship intact. I haven’t been able to do that, mainly because my family is dismissive, and I don’t know how to deal with that. They think it’s just a momentary turn away. And I get these comments that are just really painful to me like we think it would be a real blessing if you just came back to church. 

 

I think its partly my fault for trying not to hurt feelings and maybe have it both ways, but it’s been hard because it’s an evolving understanding thats getting deeper as I rethink other things in my life and how I have looked at them in the past changed dramatically.

 

Its hard to keep updating people like, yeah this was ok with me in the past but now it’s not. The transition has been really hard because I’m not going back but I haven’t figure out all the things about my destination and how the other beliefs in my life will change in life of the new information. It’s just been such a huge shift of mind and heart and it seems like there are no words to describe it to some former aquantances and family. Other than emotionally and psychologically the change has happened, and I can tell you that, that I don’t believe, but I sort of haven’t arrived yet. And then I feel stuck defending myself against people who are convinced they need to hinder, stop, or reverse the process of me becoming what I already know to be true in my heart. 

 

And I feel stuck holding up this middle ground of the relationship, not cause it’s where I want to be, but because I haven’t reached a place where I feel comfortable yet, and I’m still stuck with people in my life who aren’t supportive. So there’s a lot of awkward avoidance that is mistaken for wavering, when it’s just not.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Yeah, coming out to your parents is a huge decision with a lot of ramifications and it's really hard. I think I came out to my parents of my non-Xianity almost 10 years ago? It definitely created a distance between me and my dad... although to be honest that distance was already developing and there was nothing that could have stopped it. Over the years my mom seemed to oddly warm up to me, though, although her beliefs are still the same. Maybe she realized the importance of our human relationship, at some level. Anyways, it's nice to have her open up to me about little day to day things, while politely avoiding talking about religion. It's a complicated personal decision but I agree with you completely about coming from a place of honesty - otherwise there's no real relationship to begin with!