I am Jess, Hear Me Roar :)

[ag_NO_stic]

I know I already don't feel *that* new on this site, but it really has only been a little over two weeks. After an emotional post at midnight this morning on a different thread, I am taking @Margee's advice and just taking a breather to focus on the positive things for a while. I truly feel I have gotten in over my head a bit in trying to "rush my deconversion" and "have all the answers ready" for all my loved ones. I want to really thank all of you for taking the time to post your thoughtful feedback when you really don't have to; hugs all around. Anyway, it's really high time I introduced myself. I jumped right in and started posting, but I didn't take the time to let you all know who you're dealing with.

 

I am Jessica (Jess is fine too). I am 25 years old, have a husband and two fur-babies. I love to bake and make chocolate desserts like truffles, definitely a passion of mine. I have the distant and unrealistic dream of having a little hole-in-the-wall bakery/truffle place some day. There is truly nothing like baking something tasty and watching other people close their eyes in appreciation, knowing their in "yummy food land," a place I visit regularly. I love food in general, I truly enjoy how textures and flavors blend together to make an experience. When I'm not in the kitchen or at work, I love to watch dark shows like Dexter or Breaking Bad, currently watching Handmaid's Tale (unsure if I like it or not...) on Hulu. I was a sociology major, psychology minor in college. I didn't think through how that would affect me with getting a job, but I am fascinated with how the brain and genetics work with our environment to make us who we are. I watch youtube videos on current political issues and then proceed to rant to no one in particular when I'm driving, because I like my opinions more than anyone else will.  I LOVE to laugh and have a self-deprecating sense of humor (among many, can't go wrong with a terrible pun), so I'm kind of an asshole to myself for the lulz. 

 

No need to go into a "deep history" or anything. Long story short, I am the first born daughter to two really successful parents who had pretty high standards for me and my siblings. I'll tell a therapist all the drama that comes with that, but I don't think a sociology majoring baker is what they had in mind for me when I was a toddler. I know that I am my own person, that it's my life and my dreams that count, not to worry about what they think, but that doesn't change a child's desire for their parents to be proud of who they are becoming. It is still devastating to have accepted who I am and know that, on some level, my parents might have picked a different path for me and are "settling" for what I'm passionate about. When you pair that with a fundamentalist christian upbringing, you don't have a very good product, I guess. As for as being an ex-christian, I ended up where I am now because I have always questioned things, even as a really young child. "Mom, why does a GREEN light mean 'go' and not BLUE?" "What color hair does God have, Mom?" I remember growing up that I really wanted to genuinely please God and tried to be very sincere in my faith, to "die to my flesh" and to relinquish my understanding of reality for His ultimate will. This desire for sincerity of faith ultimately led to me seeing through it, whether I wanted to or not. The more I tried to find answers to my OWN questions, to answer them for others, the more I realized that I was wrong and that I couldn't reconcile them. Assuming it was about the "relationship with Christ" and ignoring the fact that I was extremely bothered by the very existence hell, why do you not answer me in the way I need, when you know I need it? Isn't a "relationship" mutual? When I'm sitting here "knocking" and "seeking," why am I not "finding"....anything? Why would I need to so desperately fear a being that claimed to love me so much? Why should I worship something so fervently when, after knowing the deepest parts of me-- my fears, dreams, passions, intentions, desire for truth-- he could cast me into eternal damnation on a whim. What kind of being would do that to someone they claimed to love so much? I remember I would regularly chastise myself for my "conviction of sin" and "shame" for knowing God was disappointed with me or with a decision I had made. This deconversion process, while comforting in a few ways, has been very devastating for me because of this being that I was raised to believe in, who is in total control and created me exactly the way I am with purpose for my life, not being real. I now feel a bit aimless, a bit "just one of billions" and not all that unique. It's true, which I appreciate, but kinda sucky. Now, other values of mine are beginning to change (I hate change) and it's begun a quarter-life crisis. Everything will be ok, I know and trust that, I'm just embracing the crumminess of it all for now.

 

Longer than anticipated, but all of that to say: Here I am, flaws and all. This post has been cathartic, I'm taking it one day at a time, taking all kinds of new information in stride, and it will get better. I am TRULY thankful already for the past few weeks where I have found support and encouragement. Nice to meet you; This site is a treasure.

 

 

[Travi]

Never feel like you are just "one of billions", you are a unique individual who has something to offer to anyone she encounters. You are worth it to people who matter, and you will never be just a number to those that treasure you for being you. 

 

Welcome aboard in a formal sense, and to the escape from delusion that has consumed many of us. 

[Margee]

Jess, a formal welcome to Ex-c hun! I'm so glad you are going to relax for a while. You get in that kitchen and makes some of those goodies today!! Thank you for sharing some of your story. Lordy, you sound so much like me when i first arrived her in 2010. I think my first 5,000 posts were questions to the gang. And they were always here for me. My own mind spun so bad when I first joined. I didn't want my revelations about god to be right. I wanted them to be wrong! I used to use emoticons  after every sentence I made to try and be funny (It's embarrassing to me now)  but I was really in a very deep, dark depression and didn't want to admit it  because I was always told how 'strong' I was. Many, many nights I went to sleep hoping I would not wake up in the morning because the revelation of finding out that christianity might be a lie was too much for my brain to handle. My whole life revolved around god. I made a thousand mistakes during my life thinking I was pleasing god. That's why I suggested for you to relax a little. And that suggestion was made to me by many here on the board when I first arrived.

 

You already know that your brain is in a cognitive dissonant state. When one is in that frame of mind, the brain just spins. Keep posting, keep questioning but stay calm through it if you can.  Show your family, husband and friends that you have not changed your basic personality. Keep being loving and kind. Don't try to fight scripture right now. If anything, just know that the bible story starts in Genesis and ends with Revelation and the fundamentalists take it literally. So if you study the first book of genesis and see how incredible silly it is, the whole bible will fall apart because the whole story of 'sin' and fallin' man starts right there. Study, study, study the book of genesis to see what a stupid god created the world. That's all you need to know for now. There was no garden, no man made from dust, no woman made from man's rib, no serpent to test them. It's a fabricated story. And if it was just Adam and Eve and the serpent in the garden, who was the stenographer who stood outside the garden gates and documented the whole thing??? 

 

When I first told a few of my friends about my doubts and seen their reaction I knew I was in trouble so I just used to tell people to keep praying for me and then they left me alone while I continued to come here morning, noon and night to get the help I needed. You hang in there sweetie. It's takes a lot of time for some of us to get, ''unbrainwashed''.

 

Now...you go bake me some cookies!!   Big ((hug))

 

I'm not sure if you have ever read the letter I wrote when I first arrived here but it will show you how messed up I was. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/

[florduh]

Just one thing.... why is your dream unrealistic? As long as you believe that it will be so. Truly, it's all up to you. Now go make some tasty food and a tasty life, okay?

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Jess, a formal welcome to Ex-c hun! I'm so glad you are going to relax for a while. You get in that kitchen and makes some of those goodies today!! Thank you for sharing some of your story. Lordy, you sound so much like me when i first arrived her in 2010. I think my first 5,000 posts were questions to the gang. And they were always here for me. My own mind spun so bad when I first joined. I didn't want my revelations about god to be right. I wanted them to be wrong! I used to use emoticons  after every sentence I made to try and be funny (It's embarrassing to me now)  but I was really in a very deep, dark depression and didn't want to admit it  because I was always told how 'strong' I was. Many, many nights I went to sleep hoping I would not wake up in the morning because the revelation of finding out that christianity might be a lie was too much for my brain to handle. My whole life revolved around god. I made a thousand mistakes during my life thinking I was pleasing god. That's why I suggested for you to relax a little. And that suggestion was made to me by many here on the board when I first arrived.

 

You already know that your brain is in a cognitive dissonant state. When one is in that frame of mind, the brain just spins. Keep posting, keep questioning but stay calm through it if you can.  Show your family, husband and friends that you have not changed your basic personality. Keep being loving and kind. Don't try to fight scripture right now. If anything, just know that the bible story starts in Genesis and ends with Revelation and the fundamentalists take it literally. So if you study the first book of genesis and see how incredible silly it is, the whole bible will fall apart because the whole story of 'sin' and fallin' man starts right there. Study, study, study the book of genesis to see what a stupid god created the world. That's all you need to know for now. There was no garden, no man made from dust, no woman made from man's rib, no serpent to test them. It's a fabricated story. And if it was just Adam and Eve and the serpent in the garden, who was the stenographer who stood outside the garden gates and documented the whole thing??? 

 

When I told a few of my friends and seen their reaction i knew i was in trouble so I just used to tell people to keep praying for me and then they left me alone while I continued to come here morning, noon and night to get the help I needed. You hang in there sweetie. It's takes a lot of time for some of us to get, ''unbrainwashed''.

 

Now...you go bake me some cookies!!   Big ((hug))

 

I'm not sure if you have ever read the letter I wrote when I first arrived here but it will show you how messed up I was. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/

 

I can so relate with everything you just told me. I don't use quite so many emoticons as you described...  But I do use self-deprecating humor where I try to make it not a big deal or laugh at myself or whatever. I have read through several posts where I've done this and been so annoyed with myself. I'm working on taking it slower, the devil is just a-temptin' me to keep blasphemin his holy name!

 

I'm drinking my lukewarm coffee now "at work" and smiling because of this post, thanks for being awesome. My personal way of feeling better is watching louis ck on god, he makes the whole thing so much more funny and less tragic.

 

((hug)) I'll make a cookie just for you.

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Just one thing.... why is your dream unrealistic? As long as you believe that it will be so. Truly, it's all up to you. Now go make some tasty food and a tasty life, okay?

 

I think it's because I used to say, "God has my back, he won't let me fall and he made me to be a baker!" And now it's like "eehhh, not really. It's a huge risk and you can fail and go bankrupt and be destitute." You can't charge $15 a cookie like an asshole unless you made it with low-dolla crack and a pinch of man juice from the gods. 

[ag_NO_stic]

 

 

I can so relate with everything you just told me. I don't use quite so many emoticons as you described...  But I do use self-deprecating humor where I try to make it not a big deal or laugh at myself or whatever. I have read through several posts where I've done this and been so annoyed with myself. I'm working on taking it slower, the devil is just a-temptin' me to keep blasphemin his holy name!

 

I'm drinking my lukewarm coffee now "at work" and smiling because of this post, thanks for being awesome. My personal way of feeling better is watching louis ck on god, he makes the whole thing so much more funny and less tragic.

 

((hug)) I'll make a cookie just for you.

 

Quoting myself is weird. I also meant to say that I am going to read your letter now, @Margee, thanks for the link!

[LogicalFallacy]

Hi Jess - nice Katy Perry reference in the title

 

 

I truly feel I have gotten in over my head a bit in trying to "rush my deconversion" and "have all the answers ready" for all my loved ones. 

 

Aye, happened to me too - you can actually go through some of my early topics and see me hashing stuff out with the others in relations to direct questions I had with family. As the wise ones told me, and I finally learned, sometimes one just has to leave them be because talking God with family can be like playing chess with a pigeon  

 

 

and two fur-babies named Connor and Mila.

 

Awww I have a fur baby too! She is being naughty and chewing my garden hoses grrr

 

 

 

I love to bake and make chocolate desserts like truffles, definitely a passion of mine. I have the distant and unrealistic dream of having a little hole-in-the-wall bakery/truffle place some day.

 

You can make dreams a reality if you take steps to bring it about. Will you succeed? Impossible to tell, but I can tell you, you will miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.

 

 

I watch youtube videos on current political issues and then proceed to rant to no one in particular when I'm driving, because I like my opinions more than anyone else will.  I LOVE to laugh and have a self-deprecating sense of humor (among many, can't go wrong with a terrible pun), so I'm kind of an asshole to myself for the lulz. 

 

Gracious we sound similar. Maybe I'm not that crazy after-all... I mean if there's at least one other doing this its normal right?

 

 

 

No need to go into a "deep history" or anything. Long story short, I am the first born daughter to two really successful parents who had pretty high standards for me and my siblings. I'll tell a therapist all the drama that comes with that, but I don't think a sociology majoring baker is what they had in mind for me when I was a toddler. I know that I am my own person, that it's my life and my dreams that count, not to worry about what they think, but that doesn't change a child's desire for their parents to be proud of who they are becoming. It is still devastating to have accepted who I am and know that, on some level, my parents might have picked a different path for me and are "settling" for what I'm passionate about. When you pair that with a fundamentalist christian upbringing, you don't have a very good product, I guess.

 

Well your story is sounding similar to mine. I got talked out of a career path because apparently I wasn't interested in it. Also I was home schooled so didn't get a real good science education. I think if I could live life over I'd take a crack at either IT, or one of the earth sciences or biology. Not sure... I have a wide variety of interests. But yes, very aware of the parents drive and saying you don't want to settle for x y and z, you want to be the best you can be.

 

 

As for as being an ex-christian, I ended up where I am now because I have always questioned things,

 

Pretty sure that's true for most here. We are a bunch not satisfied with B/S answers.

 

 

 

Longer than anticipated, but all of that to say: Here I am, flaws and all. This post has been cathartic, I'm taking it one day at a time, taking all kinds of new information in stride, and it will get better. I am TRULY thankful already for the past few weeks where I have found support and encouragement. Nice to meet you; This site is a treasure.

 

 

 

Yes, posting stuff is really helpful. Gets a load off your mind.

 

Nice to meet you to. 

LF

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Hi Jess - nice Katy Perry reference in the title

 

 You're my favorite of the day for catching it.

 

 

Also I was home schooled so didn't get a real good science education. I think if I could live life over I'd take a crack at either IT, or one of the earth sciences or biology. Not sure... I have a wide variety of interests. But yes, very aware of the parents drive and saying you don't want to settle for x y and z, you want to be the best you can be.

 

I was homeschooled too!! Omigosh, I am so glad to see there are other homeschoolers rebelling against the total sheltering from science. I am still playing catch up, like I feel really behind and stupid for not being taught what basic high schoolers are being taught in public school.

[JadedAtheist]

Long story short, I am the first born daughter to two really successful parents who had pretty high standards for me and my siblings. I'll tell a therapist all the drama that comes with that, but I don't think a sociology majoring baker is what they had in mind for me when I was a toddler. I know that I am my own person, that it's my life and my dreams that count, not to worry about what they think, but that doesn't change a child's desire for their parents to be proud of who they are becoming. It is still devastating to have accepted who I am and know that, on some level, my parents might have picked a different path for me and are "settling" for what I'm passionate about.

 

It's funny because this resonates with me, but in the opposite direction. The great thing about my parents in one way is that they couldn't care what I do so long as I'm happy. The bad thing is that any accomplishment is as good as the other. This family guy clip is pretty much their reaction in a nutshell. Me dropping out of school and working a shitty retail job? Fine. Me putting myself into college, getting a degree and getting a very well paid office job? That's fine too. It never seems worth it to share things that make me happy with them because they're constantly just happy at the same level. It's a weird thing to say I know. In some ways I wish they had higher standards so I could "earn" that proud feeling they give.

[Riversong]

Hi!  I'm a newcomer myself. This has been a great place to see how we all have this common experience of deconversion and how it is still a unique journey for each person. Mine was a slow burn throughout several(ok, many) difficult years. This past year was the final firecracker that blew it all apart. For me, it was a huge relief to lose my faith. However, I think many experience it the opposite way where the huge landmine comes first and the difficult years come after. All that to say, there is no one "right" experience. Take it one day at a time.

 

I like the bakery idea!  Sometimes ideas need to sit on the back burner of our minds for a while before everything falls into place.

 

Take your time and good luck!!!

[ag_NO_stic]

 

 

 

 

It's funny because this resonates with me, but in the opposite direction. The great thing about my parents in one way is that they couldn't care what I do so long as I'm happy. The bad thing is that any accomplishment is as good as the other. This family guy clip is pretty much their reaction in a nutshell. Me dropping out of school and working a shitty retail job? Fine. Me putting myself into college, getting a degree and getting a very well paid office job? That's fine too. It never seems worth it to share things that make me happy with them because they're constantly just happy at the same level. It's a weird thing to say I know. In some ways I wish they had higher standards so I could "earn" that proud feeling they give.

 

Interesting perspective, I guess it's a grass is greener type of thing.

 

 

Hi!  I'm a newcomer myself. This has been a great place to see how we all have this common experience of deconversion and how it is still a unique journey for each person. Mine was a slow burn throughout several(ok, many) difficult years. This past year was the final firecracker that blew it all apart. For me, it was a huge relief to lose my faith. However, I think many experience it the opposite way where the huge landmine comes first and the difficult years come after. All that to say, there is no one "right" experience. Take it one day at a time.

 

I like the bakery idea!  Sometimes ideas need to sit on the back burner of our minds for a while before everything falls into place.

 

Take your time and good luck!!!

 

I think I may be the several difficult years type of person. I can't tell what I am yet lol

[MOHO]

Welcome aboard, Aggy!

 

Hope that bakery dream works out for you.

Who knows you could be the next Mrs. Fields or Famous Amos.

But even if you don't get rich at least you'll be one of the few who can put bread on the table (pun intended) doing what you love.

 

Yes. self-deprecating humor. So easy for some of us!

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Welcome aboard, Aggy!

 

Hope that bakery dream works out for you.

Who knows you could be the next Mrs. Fields or Famous Amos.

But even if you don't get rich at least you'll be one of the few who can put bread on the table (pun intended) doing what you love.

 

Yes. self-deprecating humor. So easy for some of us!

 

 You rock, MOHO, the Mrs. needs to hop on our bandwagon.

[disillusioned]

Hi Jess, and welcome!

 

 

I love to bake and make chocolate desserts like truffles, definitely a passion of mine. I have the distant and unrealistic dream of having a little hole-in-the-wall bakery/truffle place some day. There is truly nothing like baking something tasty and watching other people close their eyes in appreciation, knowing their in "yummy food land," a place I visit regularly. I love food in general, I truly enjoy how textures and flavors blend together to make an experience.

 

I've been into cooking for quite a while now, but I've only really gotten into baking in the last year or so. Not desserts particularly; mainly bread. I've also tossed the idea around of starting a business one day, but I think for me that would ruin the fun. If it's what you want, though, you can totally make it happen!

 

Stick around. You're already making great contributions here.

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Hi Jess, and welcome!

 

 

I've been into cooking for quite a while now, but I've only really gotten into baking in the last year or so. Not desserts particularly; mainly bread. I've also tossed the idea around of starting a business one day, but I think for me that would ruin the fun. If it's what you want, though, you can totally make it happen!

 

Stick around. You're already making great contributions here.

 

 Thanks! 

 

I  would love to get into breadmaking, I'm just the teeniest bit intimidated by working with yeast. I don't know why, it just seems so finicky with rising time and temps and what have you.

[Guest]

 

 

 

I am Jessica (Jess is fine too). I am 25 years old, have a husband and two fur-babies named Connor and Mila. I love to bake and make chocolate desserts like truffles, definitely a passion of mine. I have the distant and unrealistic dream of having a little hole-in-the-wall bakery/truffle place some day. There is truly nothing like baking something tasty and watching other people close their eyes in appreciation, knowing their in "yummy food land," a place I visit regularly. I love food in general, I truly enjoy how textures and flavors blend together to make an experience.

A belated welcome to Ex-C! I finally read your story even though we have chatted. A bakery has been a dream of mine too, but a rather distant one as I'm very realistic at this point. However, it's nice to dream, and if I ever win the lottery...lol. I've found baking to be great therapy as I go through this deconversion, going into the kitchen and turning your brain off is always a great idea!

[Geezer]

A late welcome aboard. The road that leads out of religion is indeed bumpy & the trip is usually long & often frustrating but most find the journey worth the effort. 

[Jeff]

Hey there. Didnt realize how recently you joined!

So You want to be the girl from the Will Ferrel movie, Stranger Than Fiction...

"TAX MAN!!!!"

[ag_NO_stic]

 

Hey there. Didnt realize how recently you joined!

So You want to be the girl from the Will Ferrel movie, Stranger Than Fiction...

"TAX MAN!!!!"

 

Never seen it!

[TrailBlazer]

Hey Jess! @ag_NO_stic

You left a comment on my intro post and I thought I’d dig through the archives and read yours. It’s been about a year since you posted this, eh? How has your de-conversion process been in the last year? That’s awesome that you have hobbies like baking and interests outside of   Christianity that you can shift your focus into. 

 

But, in the words of the beautiful and brilliant Alanis Morrissette:

”You and I, were like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.

We need to find like-minded companions.”

[ag_NO_stic]

15 hours ago, TrailBlazer said:

Hey Jess! @ag_NO_stic

You left a comment on my intro post and I thought I’d dig through the archives and read yours. It’s been about a year since you posted this, eh? How has your de-conversion process been in the last year? That’s awesome that you have hobbies like baking and interests outside of   Christianity that you can shift your focus into. 

 

But, in the words of the beautiful and brilliant Alanis Morrissette:

”You and I, were like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.

We need to find like-minded companions.”

 

Hey, thanks for your feedback! I saw your comment on a more recent post of mine too. As for an update, I don't fear hell anymore and I'm not "freaked" by where I am on my life journey. I am considerably more calm and collected, I continue to value logic and reasoning.... I just need to continue to educate myself and accept that "I don't know" is perfectly okay. I get a little emotionally invested in discussions of Christianity sometimes, but I ultimately am just doing me and am fine with it.

 

Thanks for your encouragement, glad to see you jumping right in.

[LostinParis]

Hi @ag_NO_stic,

 

Yesterday I paid $13 for a tiny piece of caramel slice from my local farmers’ market. It was deliciously worth it though. It was ethically made from local, organic ingredients and with no refined sugars, just dates, nuts and coconut oil.

If you market your “paleo” cookies to clean-eating hipsters then you just might make a fortune!

 

I enjoy reading your posts, perhaps one day I will  find the courage to express my raw, vulnerable self as openly as you do.

[RealityCheck]

Well Jess, it's a year later and you're still roaring.

[ag_NO_stic]

3 hours ago, RealityCheck said:

Well Jess, it's a year later and you're still roaring.

 

Oh hell yeah, you know it.

 

On 8/4/2018 at 6:34 PM, LostinParis said:

Hi @ag_NO_stic,

 

Yesterday I paid $13 for a tiny piece of caramel slice from my local farmers’ market. It was deliciously worth it though. It was ethically made from local, organic ingredients and with no refined sugars, just dates, nuts and coconut oil.

If you market your “paleo” cookies to clean-eating hipsters then you just might make a fortune!

 

I enjoy reading your posts, perhaps one day I will  find the courage to express my raw, vulnerable self as openly as you do.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Kinda makes me feel like a badass. I've found that wishing for a quality that you perceive in others because you perceive that you don't have that quality only helps you in overlooking your own strengths. I often wish I knew when to shut the fuck up, being vulnerable allows people to take advantage. 

 

Own your mysteriousness, and own that people have to work for your vulnerability. It's who you are.