Awkward moment: Grace in a restaurant

[older]

I was caught off-guard recently with a new friend who wanted to say grace over a meal in a restaurant. I’m still not completely sure how I might have handled it.

 

 

The background is that we met as the result of our rather uncommon hobby. He is local, while all the other friends I have in the hobby live a hundred or more miles away, and I was hoping that this might develop into a friendship. I’d like to have someone I could drop in on, and vice versa, and share information and techniques.

 

When he first got out of his car at my shop, I sensed that we would probably only agree on hobby issues. I know one shouldn’t characterize a person by how he looks, but regardless, certain people who look a certain way almost always have certain political and religious beliefs. And this guy looked “that way.”

 

And political and religious discussion is almost never done among folks in this hobby. We talk about our toys, our kids, our trips, and that’s about it.

 

As it turns out, he has a great deal of knowledge and experience in the hobby and is the kind of guy I’d like to be able to bounce ideas off of.

 

So after about an hour during which I showed him my workshop and hobby stuff, he suggested we go to lunch. The closest place is a Chipotle joint about three miles down the road. We order, take our seats, and he says something about blessing the meal.

 

I said, “Go ahead,” thinking he’d just take a quiet moment to himself. But he puts out his hands toward me.

 

I was so taken off guard I couldn’t think fast enough in the second of time that passed, so I reached out and grasped his fingers (I hate the hand-holding-prayer thing) while he said an audible grace in the noisy restaurant. In that second that I grasped his fingers, I’m thinking about how this guy might be able to help me from time to time with hobby things, and that I didn’t want to offend him this early in our new friendship. And that this moment won’t kill me or even keep me awake.

 

Now to be fair, I didn’t fully process his offer, and I’m not sure exactly how he worded it. It could have been possible for me to politely decline. But I was uncomfortable about the whole thing, more so that it was in a restaurant. I have family who are fundies and I stand quietly while they say their grace, but they also know I’m atheistic and they don’t pressure me to participate. And they don’t do it in public, either.

 

Now I could have said something rude, but I don’t care to do that. I’m thinking that I could have just said, “I’m not a Christian, but you go ahead.” That would have solved the immediate problem, but I was still hoping that we could find other common grounds and I didn’t want to poison the well, so to speak.

 

But now that it’s over and I’ve written this, I think the friendship is not going to develop. My rational self says I should be able to be friends with this guy regardless of his religious beliefs, but my emotional self says this was just too much for me. I really don’t care to be around people who put their religion onto me.

 

I think it was presumptuous of him to expect me to participate, but then he did give me the opportunity to decline and he obviously misread my response. On the other hand, I could have stood up for myself. It was an awkward situation for me; I don’t know how he felt — such folks can often be clueless about what they are doing.

 

I think I’ll just have to keep looking for someone to be a local hobby buddy.

 

How do you react when someone puts you in such a position?

[JadedAtheist]

You're probably overthinking things. The guy was obviously nice enough that you didn't want to hurt his feelings which is why you participated in saying grace. It's always a bit awkward to be put on the spot like that, but you didn't do anything wrong. If the situation pops up again, you'll be more prepared this time round. Just let him know that you're not really religious and would prefer not. He'll either understand, or he won't. Not much you can do about that. Anyways, point is you handled it fine.

 

It's been a long time since I've been put in a situation like that, but usually I don't mind participating so long as they don't ask me to pray.

[ToHellWithMe]

I don't think Jaded is acting jaded enough. Such small but annoying manipulative gestures are how a certain type of people worm their way in. You compromised your integrity for the sake of avoiding embarrassment. Consequently, you also misled him with your action. Based on what you told, he has the moral high ground. I agree with Jaded on the rest, though.

[mwc]

     As soon as he reached for me I almost certainly would have said "Whoa!" and pulled back likely with my arms crossed.

 

     It just seems that these folks just can't resist pulling their bible dicks out in public...and on the first damn date.  I hope he at least paid for your food.

 

          mwc

 

[Jeff]

I try to act dumb and just look puzzled at people - make them explain what their doing and then if they still continue I say no thanks.

Weirdness. 

[florduh]

Hey, you did what you did. No big deal. See how it goes when you meet up and don't have occasion to say grace. You can always explain things to him and maybe he won't be a dick. I mean, I have friends and family who say grace and we coexist just fine. Good luck.

[Margee]

Yes, Older...continue with the hobbie-friendship thing and see what happens. You may get a chance to explain yourself and if he learns the truth and dosen't want to share hobbie ideas with you...find someone else. I think you did just fine for being put in that position! 

 

(hug)

[Guest]

If we dumped every friend with whom we disagreed by some measure, we'd all be friendless. Keep your friend and keep true to yourself. Until such time as your friend proves otherwise, the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive, so my vote is to give it a chance. 

 

My family prays in public all the time. I just keep my eyes open and head up, so I can mouth the word "sorry" when the waiter or waitress comes to the table awaiting them while this nonsense is going on. 

[buffettphan]

 

 

My family prays in public all the time. I just keep my eyes open and head up, so I can mouth the word "sorry" when the waiter or waitress comes to the table awaiting them while this nonsense is going on. 

 

I had to laugh at this because I do the same thing, along with a major eye-roll!   

[Daffodil]

I confess my temptation would be to mess with them by saying, "Oh, well, Jesus said not to pray in public, so I'll just pray silently."  But, that might get a conversation going that I don't necessarily want, and I certainly would not actually pray, so that part would be a lie.  My family members just close their eyes and pray silently when at restaurants.  At family gatherings we all hold hands in a circle and someone is chosen to pray.  I just close my eyes and wait it out.  Occasionally, my husband is asked to pray and he just says the most generic things he can think of to get through it.  Of course, we ladies in the family are never asked to pray, so I usually get a pass.  I guess there are hidden benefits to patriarchy!  ?

[older]

 

     [snip]

 

  I hope he at least paid for your food.

 

          mwc

 

 

Actually, he did pay for the lunch.

 

And thanks, folks, for your thoughts. It all happened so quick I didn't have time to think. But next time, with him or anyone else. I will just say, "Thank you but I'm not religious. You go ahead."

[Eugene39]

It seems a bit weird to me that the guy would want to hold your fingers while praying. And yeah, I would have been so caught off guard that my response would have probably been the same as yours was. Going forward though, is it possible to not ever eat with him again? 

[Ellinas]

I also find the idea of holding hands bizarre.  Maybe we're a bit more inhibited this side of the pond, but I've never heard of this happening in the UK outside of a seance.  I think I'd have told him to pray if he wants to do so, but that it's not a game of ring-a-ring-roses.

[nutrichuckles93]

Seriously, I'm from the US and I've never seen or heard of people, large group or no, holding hands while praying unless it was in a pre-designated prayer circle. That is really odd. Supposed to indicate brotherhood, I guess.

[Tsathoggua9]

Wow! It has been a long time since I have seen anybody pray in a restaurant (unless they are doing it in such a non-intrusive way that nobody else will be able to notice), and I live in the "Bible Belt" (Nashville, TN, USA). Maybe that would change if I started going out for lunch right around "church lettin' out" time on Sunday...