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Goodbye Jesus

OCD, anxiety, depression ahhh


flower1011

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Hi, everyone. I am new to this place. 

I deconverted about a year ago, but have a lot of fundamentalist residue. I need to "rewire" my entire way of thinking. I was taught very young such a black and white way of thinking and even though I logically can think things through, the OCD in my brain loves the black and white thinking. 

Here's a little history of how my obsessive thoughts have manifested over the past few years: 

( I have other issues and things to discuss but this is the most prevalent)

  • In 11th grade in high school, I thought I was *maybe* going to hell. I was a dedicated Christian, but I was obsessed with that Revelation passage that talks about the "lukewarm" Christian. This gave me daily anxiety and debilitated me because I didn't feel like enough. 
  • My boyfriend (now husband!) in senior year was a Christian. He was a liberal Christian though and also didn't pray and has many doubts about certain theological things. He and I went to church, and I knew he experienced god when he was in nature and stuff. I deemed him not "focusing" enough on God and although I loved him deeply, the anxiety was so deep I felt like God wanted me to break up with him. I did and we soon after got back together.
  • The same boyfriend and I began reading the Bible together and after I had my "freak out" he told me it did make him realize he needs to focus a bit more on god. He ended up growing a lot during that time and we got baptized together. My obsessiveness then started focusing on if he only grew a lot during that time because of me. Which totally was not true, he is a very genuine and passionate person. 
  • Now as an agnostic I obsess over being a "good enough" person, and I also extend this to my husband being a "good enough" person. It's like, "We should be meditating more! we aren't doing enough."

As you can see there is a clear pattern here. I am hoping to find spaces where I can openly share this side of me. I am fully aware of my obsessiveness and how irrational a lot of it is. But (obvi) with OCD you still can't stop the thoughts. 

I hope I find some sort of relief in this community (therapy is expensive ha)

thank you for reading it means so dang much to me

-em

 

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Welcome to the forum, @flower1011,

 

You will find many open "ears" here and even receive some feedback. You will also find that you are not alone in your thoughts and emotions related to finding your way out of harmful religion.

 

The forum is, however, not a substitute for professional care and I encourage you to seek help. I'm guessing you were being comical with the crack about the cost of therapy but - just in case. Hope I'm not stepping on any moderator toes here.

 

Welcome again and I hope to hear more from you.

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Hey thanks for welcoming me!

Yeah I am seeking therapy but I recently lost my insurance and so I will be looking for other resources in the mean time :(

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Hi, everyone. I am new to this place. 

I deconverted about a year ago, but have a lot of fundamentalist residue. I need to "rewire" my entire way of thinking. I was taught very young such a black and white way of thinking and even though I logically can think things through, the OCD in my brain loves the black and white thinking. 

Here's a little history of how my obsessive thoughts have manifested over the past few years: 

( I have other issues and things to discuss but this is the most prevalent)

  • In 11th grade in high school, I thought I was *maybe* going to hell. I was a dedicated Christian, but I was obsessed with that Revelation passage that talks about the "lukewarm" Christian. This gave me daily anxiety and debilitated me because I didn't feel like enough. 
  • My boyfriend (now husband!) in senior year was a Christian. He was a liberal Christian though and also didn't pray and has many doubts about certain theological things. He and I went to church, and I knew he experienced god when he was in nature and stuff. I deemed him not "focusing" enough on God and although I loved him deeply, the anxiety was so deep I felt like God wanted me to break up with him. I did and we soon after got back together.
  • The same boyfriend and I began reading the Bible together and after I had my "freak out" he told me it did make him realize he needs to focus a bit more on god. He ended up growing a lot during that time and we got baptized together. My obsessiveness then started focusing on if he only grew a lot during that time because of me. Which totally was not true, he is a very genuine and passionate person. 
  • Now as an agnostic I obsess over being a "good enough" person, and I also extend this to my husband being a "good enough" person. It's like, "We should be meditating more! we aren't doing enough."

As you can see there is a clear pattern here. I am hoping to find spaces where I can openly share this side of me. I am fully aware of my obsessiveness and how irrational a lot of it is. But (obvi) with OCD you still can't stop the thoughts. 

I hope I find some sort of relief in this community (therapy is expensive ha)

thank you for reading it means so dang much to me

-em

 

Welcome to the community @flower1011

 

As someone who has had to deal with significant mental health challenges after deconversion, I can offer something that has been helpful to me.  Which is to realize that all of the obsessiveness, anxiety and depression "you" experience is not really "you." It isn't a manifestation of your soul, but a result of neurobiological causes which eventually instantiated themselves in the wiring patterns of your brain.  I meditate a lot as well, and one of the most interesting things to observe is how these kinds of thoughts just occur without effort and direction, they don't come from "you," and the freedom of believing in science over dogma gives you the freedom to not identify with these harmful thoughts but to note their presence and then realize the truth about their nature.  

 

Hope you stick around as there is much deprogramming to go through, which we have all journeyed through in our own ways, but thanks for sharing your story!

 

TS

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thank you! I appreciate your comment. I have heard that concept before, but I like to hear it in other words and reiterated because it helps it sink in. 

Do you mind me asking what your mental health challenges have been? 

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thank you! I appreciate your comment. I have heard that concept before, but I like to hear it in other words and reiterated because it helps it sink in. 

Do you mind me asking what your mental health challenges have been? 

Sure, I have had to deal with Complex PTSD (signifant childhood trauma) and depression along with generalized anxiety disorder, so a nice soup of nastiness makes up some of the connections my brain concocted.  

 

This concept of viewing the self for me is based in science, particularly a non-reductive approach to the mind which looks at the complexity of the human brain, and therefore you, arising from the quantity and structure of the neurons in your brain.  This produces all the novel amd unique functions that human enjoy due to the quantity of neurons, but also it explains the nature of the "self."  Which is that the self-identification that our brains innately make is because of the structure of the brain and not because there is really a "self" somewhere in the brain.  Our brains are orchestras without conductors, using some of the same evolutionary structures and parts from other animals to compete over our attention from moment to moment as inputs come in through our sensory organs.  

 

This system also has the characteristic of plasticity, which means that it wires and fires based upon inputs to the system and therefore we can change our brains for better or worse.  Depression for instance can happen with the interactions of cognition, emotions and behavior become effected by a few factors.  One, there is less reuptake and therefore less dopamine and serotonin swimming around your cortex to drive activity in certain regions of the brain, while perhaps other regions are excited by over active neurons.  This is why some people with depression become paralyzed by their internal thought life, as these wiring paths become more intimately networked and it can cause a downward spiral which effects other areas such as increased excitability of the amygdala which is your fear response, and reduced activity in the hippocampus which means less new neurons, and it is harder to recall memories, particularly happy ones.  

 

All of this to say that I think of myself more of a system now, which can be molded and shaped by new emotional, cognitive and behavioral habits which will subsequently shape who I am.  Which promotes a brain based strategy for recovering the integrity of the system, rather than focusing on life altering esoteric experiences which can short cut these improvements or leave them unaddressed if the mind retreats from believing them as what happened to me with leaving Christianity.

 

Let me know if you have anymore questions.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello,

 

My mental health profile includes the following, in chronological order:

 

jesus disorder

childhood trauma

job-related stress

marriage-induced depression 

bipolar disorder

rapid escalation of marriage-induced depression

 

Thankfully some of these are treatable and are being effectively managed.  Forums like this can be a very beneficial support system.

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On 7/14/2017 at 2:10 PM, TrueScotsman said:

Sure, I have had to deal with Complex PTSD (signifant childhood trauma) and depression along with generalized anxiety disorder, so a nice soup of nastiness makes up some of the connections my brain concocted.  

 

This concept of viewing the self for me is based in science, particularly a non-reductive approach to the mind which looks at the complexity of the human brain, and therefore you, arising from the quantity and structure of the neurons in your brain.  This produces all the novel amd unique functions that human enjoy due to the quantity of neurons, but also it explains the nature of the "self."  Which is that the self-identification that our brains innately make is because of the structure of the brain and not because there is really a "self" somewhere in the brain.  Our brains are orchestras without conductors, using some of the same evolutionary structures and parts from other animals to compete over our attention from moment to moment as inputs come in through our sensory organs.  

 

This system also has the characteristic of plasticity, which means that it wires and fires based upon inputs to the system and therefore we can change our brains for better or worse.  Depression for instance can happen with the interactions of cognition, emotions and behavior become effected by a few factors.  One, there is less reuptake and therefore less dopamine and serotonin swimming around your cortex to drive activity in certain regions of the brain, while perhaps other regions are excited by over active neurons.  This is why some people with depression become paralyzed by their internal thought life, as these wiring paths become more intimately networked and it can cause a downward spiral which effects other areas such as increased excitability of the amygdala which is your fear response, and reduced activity in the hippocampus which means less new neurons, and it is harder to recall memories, particularly happy ones.  

 

All of this to say that I think of myself more of a system now, which can be molded and shaped by new emotional, cognitive and behavioral habits which will subsequently shape who I am.  Which promotes a brain based strategy for recovering the integrity of the system, rather than focusing on life altering esoteric experiences which can short cut these improvements or leave them unaddressed if the mind retreats from believing them as what happened to me with leaving Christianity.

 

Let me know if you have anymore questions.

Truescotsman...where can I get more info on this science?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would think a lot of ex-religious people (and religious fanatics!) have a tendency towards neuroticism and anxiety, because it leads to noticing, and worrying about, details that other people gloss over.

 

After all, people hold all kinds of contradictory ideas in their daily lives: They believe in God, but for obvious reasons behave mostly as if he isn't there. They believe in eternal life, and yet grieve when people die, a separation they supposedly believe is only temporary. They praise the moral principles of selflessness and forgiveness, but still accumulate wealth for themselves and defend themselves from those who would harm them, because somehow that's a special exception. Resolving all of these contradictions require a great deal of neglecting to think.

 

Worrying about an issue that other people gloss over can be a double burden in some respect, because not only do you have to face the issue itself, but also the unwillingness of many others to even consider it. Thankfully we have communities like this one, where we can discuss them together.

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On 8/16/2017 at 10:00 AM, Rounin said:

I would think a lot of ex-religious people (and religious fanatics!) have a tendency towards neuroticism and anxiety, because it leads to noticing, and worrying about, details that other people gloss over.

 

Rounin:  I completely agree!  I am both neurotic and anxious and I absolutely noticed the problems.  

 

A recent article described how neuroticism may contribute to increased longevity because neurotics are more apt to spot dangers - i think we can extend that to spotting faulty belief systems.

 

http://www.foxcarolina.com/story/36153815/how-neuroticism-is-linked-to-longevity

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Flower!

I too have severe OCD and anxiety. In my experience I have had to slowly train my brain to develop new thought patterns with CBT on studies on my own. Just remember, little shifts are the ones that stick. Don't be too hard on yourself, healing is a process and it takes time! 

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  • 2 months later...

I hope it's not too late to respond to this. 

Here I am sitting home alone this evening trying to shut out the anxiety I have felt, due to my OCD, black-and-white thinking as well. I couldn't help but resonate with your original post here. 

 

Lately my OCD has been revolving around work. I graduated college less than two years ago (the exact time I became an agnostic, now atheist). I started my job just after losing my beliefs and struggling to have confidence in myself or in my work. 

Now, 1.5 years later, my confidence has gotten much better, but my black and white thinking is still plaguing me at times. 

Recently, I've started working with a new coworker who's difficult to deal with and who sometimes makes derogatory comments in the workplace, which makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells working with them.

So this week, it's been the thoughts of, "Oh, you didn't think of this a week ago? You're awful at your job and undeserving of the promotion your team feels you should have." Blah blah, negativity, negativity.

I usually try and talk out my racing thoughts with people around m e, but this weekend it's just me, and I hate when it's just me. 

 

I feel the main cause of my thinking obsessive and negative thinking patterns stems past the religious indoctrination I experienced and is more because of the emotional trauma I endured as a child, thanks to my emotionally immature parents. 

 

All in all, here I am on a Friday evening, feeling lonely and isolated. I've had a hard time making friends where I live now, 4 hours from home. Of all my friends back home, only one has visited me so far. Plus I've made plenty of trips home to see them. 

This year was better than last year, but it's been a very challenging road overall. Not that I would ever have the guts to hurt myself, I find myself thinking many times how I just don't care to wake up anymore. I keep searching for, "What's the point?" 

 

So hang in there, from one struggling ex-Christian to another. Positive thoughts your way. 

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6 minutes ago, AnonAgno94 said:

I hope it's not too late to respond to this. 

Here I am sitting home alone this evening trying to shut out the anxiety I have felt, due to my OCD, black-and-white thinking as well. I couldn't help but resonate with your original post here. 

 

Lately my OCD has been revolving around work. I graduated college less than two years ago (the exact time I became an agnostic, now atheist). I started my job just after losing my beliefs and struggling to have confidence in myself or in my work. 

Now, 1.5 years later, my confidence has gotten much better, but my black and white thinking is still plaguing me at times. 

Recently, I've started working with a new coworker who's difficult to deal with and who sometimes makes derogatory comments in the workplace, which makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells working with them.

So this week, it's been the thoughts of, "Oh, you didn't think of this a week ago? You're awful at your job and undeserving of the promotion your team feels you should have." Blah blah, negativity, negativity.

I usually try and talk out my racing thoughts with people around m e, but this weekend it's just me, and I hate when it's just me. 

 

I feel the main cause of my thinking obsessive and negative thinking patterns stems past the religious indoctrination I experienced and is more because of the emotional trauma I endured as a child, thanks to my emotionally immature parents. 

 

All in all, here I am on a Friday evening, feeling lonely and isolated. I've had a hard time making friends where I live now, 4 hours from home. Of all my friends back home, only one has visited me so far. Plus I've made plenty of trips home to see them. 

This year was better than last year, but it's been a very challenging road overall. Not that I would ever have the guts to hurt myself, I find myself thinking many times how I just don't care to wake up anymore. I keep searching for, "What's the point?" 

 

So hang in there, from one struggling ex-Christian to another. Positive thoughts your way. 

AA. Hon, I'm so sorry you are feeling isolated tonight. I will come back tomorrow with some thought but I am going to leave this here for you if you want something spectacular to watch tonight. I have watched this at least 100 times (no joking) and it has helped me soooo much.  I hope you enjoy. You have to watch the whole thing! It's amazing. It will answer all kinds of questions for you! (hug)

 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Margee said:

AA. Hon, I'm so sorry you are feeling isolated tonight. I will come back tomorrow with some thought but I am going to leave this here for you if you want something spectacular to watch tonight. I have watched this at least 100 times and it has helped me soooo much.  I hope you enjoy. you have to watch the whole thing! It's amazing.

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much Margee. I am watching now. I appreciate the response and the share. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can totally relate to all of this.  OCD, anxiety (formerly severe but mild now), and Tourette syndrome right here!  Woo hoo!:58:

Diet, exercise, positive thinking/affirmative prayer, gratitude, medication, meditation and laughter all help immensely.

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  • 3 months later...
On 7/12/2017 at 1:00 PM, flower1011 said:

Hi, everyone. I am new to this place. 

I deconverted about a year ago, but have a lot of fundamentalist residue. I need to "rewire" my entire way of thinking. I was taught very young such a black and white way of thinking and even though I logically can think things through, the OCD in my brain loves the black and white thinking. 

Here's a little history of how my obsessive thoughts have manifested over the past few years: 

( I have other issues and things to discuss but this is the most prevalent)

  • In 11th grade in high school, I thought I was *maybe* going to hell. I was a dedicated Christian, but I was obsessed with that Revelation passage that talks about the "lukewarm" Christian. This gave me daily anxiety and debilitated me because I didn't feel like enough. 
  • My boyfriend (now husband!) in senior year was a Christian. He was a liberal Christian though and also didn't pray and has many doubts about certain theological things. He and I went to church, and I knew he experienced god when he was in nature and stuff. I deemed him not "focusing" enough on God and although I loved him deeply, the anxiety was so deep I felt like God wanted me to break up with him. I did and we soon after got back together.
  • The same boyfriend and I began reading the Bible together and after I had my "freak out" he told me it did make him realize he needs to focus a bit more on god. He ended up growing a lot during that time and we got baptized together. My obsessiveness then started focusing on if he only grew a lot during that time because of me. Which totally was not true, he is a very genuine and passionate person. 
  • Now as an agnostic I obsess over being a "good enough" person, and I also extend this to my husband being a "good enough" person. It's like, "We should be meditating more! we aren't doing enough."

As you can see there is a clear pattern here. I am hoping to find spaces where I can openly share this side of me. I am fully aware of my obsessiveness and how irrational a lot of it is. But (obvi) with OCD you still can't stop the thoughts. 

I hope I find some sort of relief in this community (therapy is expensive ha)

thank you for reading it means so dang much to me

-em

 

I used to have obsessive thoughts about my faith as well. I always felt that I was going to hell. I remember begging God to forgive my sins every night. It’s terrible what religion can do to your mental health.

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