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Goodbye Jesus

not sure where to start


freedomwalker

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So glad to be here.   Just going to dive in as not sure where to start.  I kept trying to pull away from 'christianity' but got pulled back numerous times by relationships with believers.   I deconverted very quickly over the past month because I couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance of trying to reconcile the contradictions in the bible anymore.  However I haven't told anyone except one family member because my whole social network is christian.  I care a lot about my friends but the thought that they would perceive me lying to them about my beliefs as wrong has been really bothering me.  Also I'm realising that if im honest and I stay in contact with them, they will wholeheartedly be trying to convert me back.  

 

Ugh, not sure how to deal with this..... how can I quietly slip away from church gradually when another member asks me each week if I'd like to go with them?  Also I am down to do 'welcome' at church for the foreseeable future.  I don't want to lie but I also don't want to deal with all the fallout and pressure from so many people who are caught up in this.  

 

Well that's what's been what's happening lately.  There is more but at the moment I don't want to look back too much, just focus on the present and look to the future.  

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Welcome freedomwalker

 

Glad you found us.

 

You and I share similarities in our situations, except I am some 12 months further on.

 

From the point where you are at now you have to decide what is more important - being honest to yourself and what you believe (or don't believe), or trying to maintain the status quo with your relationships.

 

This is an individual choice, and while we can tell you what happened with us if you wish, ultimately your exact circumstances and decisions will determine your future.

 

In my case, 6 months after de-converting I 'officially' announced I didn't believe and left church. Like you there was no way to do it gradually - any absence would be immediately noticed. I tried to drop hints during the 6 months, but apparently they were not good hints because I blindsided everybody. A few weeks after leaving church, under pressure and trying to appear reasonable I went back to church 'give God a chance'. Take my advice, if you leave, do not go back unless you actually really believe again. A few months ago I extracted myself again. My church was the only social circle of friends I had and still are. The rejection apocalypse I expected didn't happen, and while the relationships have changed somewhat I am still good friends... thus far. If you cannot do a gradual walk away, and you do want to leave, you may have to do what I did and just come out and tell them. If you do be gentle but firm.

 

Meanwhile there is no immediate rush, and I think hanging around Ex-C for a while, reading ex testimonies, and engaging with members here will be beneficial. Always feel free to ask questions or reach out for help.

 

All the best

 

LogicalFallacy

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Welcome freedomwalker!

 

Just do what YOU want to do.  If you don't want to go to church, don't go.  If you want to tell friends the truth, tell them.  If you want to blow them off with some lame excuse, do it.  Either way, I think you will find out who your REAL friends are, unless of course you decide you want to stay in church.

 

My guess is you will get less pressure than you think.  I only got 1 email after I stopped going.  No phone calls, no visits to the house.

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44 minutes ago, LogicalFallacy said:

Welcome freedomwalker

 

Glad you found us.

 

You and I share similarities in our situations, except I am some 12 months further on.

 

From the point where you are at now you have to decide what is more important - being honest to yourself and what you believe (or don't believe), or trying to maintain the status quo with your relationships.

 

This is an individual choice, and while we can tell you what happened with us if you wish, ultimately your exact circumstances and decisions will determine your future.

 

In my case, 6 months after de-converting I 'officially' announced I didn't believe and left church. Like you there was no way to do it gradually - any absence would be immediately noticed. I tried to drop hints during the 6 months, but apparently they were not good hints because I blindsided everybody. A few weeks after leaving church, under pressure and trying to appear reasonable I went back to church 'give God a chance'. Take my advice, if you leave, do not go back unless you actually really believe again. A few months ago I extracted myself again. My church was the only social circle of friends I had and still are. The rejection apocalypse I expected didn't happen, and while the relationships have changed somewhat I am still good friends... thus far. If you cannot do a gradual walk away, and you do want to leave, you may have to do what I did and just come out and tell them. If you do be gentle but firm.

 

Meanwhile there is no immediate rush, and I think hanging around Ex-C for a while, reading ex testimonies, and engaging with members here will be beneficial. Always feel free to ask questions or reach out for help.

 

All the best

 

LogicalFallacy

Hi LogicalFallacy, thank you for your welcome and for sharing what you found helpful.   It's caused  me to realise that I need to sit down and think through what approach to take as there's a good chance I will keep meeting people.  Hope to bump into you again.

Best wishes, 

freedomwalker

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25 minutes ago, padgemi said:

Welcome freedomwalker!

 

Just do what YOU want to do.  If you don't want to go to church, don't go.  If you want to tell friends the truth, tell them.  If you want to blow them off with some lame excuse, do it.  Either way, I think you will find out who your REAL friends are, unless of course you decide you want to stay in church.

 

My guess is you will get less pressure than you think.  I only got 1 email after I stopped going.  No phone calls, no visits to the house.

Hi padgemi, thank you for welcoming me and your reply. 

 

Yes, you could be write about getting less pressure.  I suppose that's something I've been concerned about too - starting all over again with friendships if they just let go from their side completely.   I'm going to think through my approach this weekend.  

 

Thanks guys for your support.

Best wishes, 

freedomwalker

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Welcome, @freedomwalker,

 

I feel your pain.

I disbelieve but, after coming out, had to duck back in due to intense family tensions.

I attend with Mrs. MOHO but do not go into the sanctuary - preferring to "guard the door".

When people say things like "god bless you" or "that is such a blessing, don't you agree?" I just stare at them or walk away.

 

One couple has chosen to leave but stated only that "for the next several weeks they would both be out of town on business". They won't be back. You might take a tact like that if you want a covert exit.

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

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I feel the same thing. Coming out as an atheist feels like it's perceived by religious friends and family like admitting that you enjoy torturing babies for fun. At some point I do realize I have to come out. It is the only way I can truly be happy and flourish as a human being. Other people not being able to handle it is not a justification for those people to keep you stifled and locked it this mental box with no freedom. You have to ask if this is sustainable and it just can't be.

 

Good luck and much love for what you are going through I really do feel you. I would definitely look to get as much non-church community as possible through common interests. Heck maybe it's time to connect with non-religious friends at work. 

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3 hours ago, MOHO said:

Welcome, @freedomwalker,

 

I feel your pain.

I disbelieve but, after coming out, had to duck back in due to intense family tensions.

I attend with Mrs. MOHO but do not go into the sanctuary - preferring to "guard the door".

When people say things like "god bless you" or "that is such a blessing, don't you agree?" I just stare at them or walk away.

 

One couple has chosen to leave but stated only that "for the next several weeks they would both be out of town on business". They won't be back. You might take a tact like that if you want a covert exit.

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

Hi MOHO,   thanks for welcoming me and your reply.  That sounds so challenging to have to deal with family tensions too.  Thankfully my family are not christian but I'm still not quite sure how they will respond as I was quite evangelical about my beliefs.

Best wishes, 

freedomwalker 

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3 hours ago, Blamtasticful said:

I feel the same thing. Coming out as an atheist feels like it's perceived by religious friends and family like admitting that you enjoy torturing babies for fun. At some point I do realize I have to come out. It is the only way I can truly be happy and flourish as a human being. Other people not being able to handle it is not a justification for those people to keep you stifled and locked it this mental box with no freedom. You have to ask if this is sustainable and it just can't be.

 

Good luck and much love for what you are going through I really do feel you. I would definitely look to get as much non-church community as possible through common interests. Heck maybe it's time to connect with non-religious friends at work. 

Hi Blamtasticful,  thanks for writing ....you're right about it not being sustainable!  I just know now  I'll  blurt something out if I don't plan my exit and yes, I've been trying to think what groups might be good to try.  

 

 I'm still exploring different spiritualities rather than committing to atheism, and am interested  at the moment to be reading material previously 'off-limits'.

Best wishes,

freedomwalker 

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Leaving the faith is usually a long and often difficult process. If you are affiliated with a fundamentalist group that makes leaving even more difficult, because leaving a fundy group almost always results in the complete destruction of your social network.

Every situation is different so there is no right or wrong way to leave. You will have to play it by ear and use some common sense.

 

You should definitely expect problems & some blowback. Someone will probably want to "talk" to you about why you have decided to leave the faith. Unless you really know exactly why you're leaving it might be best to ignore such request.

 

I noticed you indicated you want to investigate some spiritual options. That tells me you aren't really certain about your decision to leave your faith. Education is the key to de-converting. Both the Bible & Christianity are man made, but you need to find the evidence that proves that, so you have no doubt that it's true.

 

Do not read apologist because it's their job to defend the faith. In other words they're hoplessly bias.Read historians like Bart Ehrman,  Richard Carrier,  Robert M Price, & David Fitzgerald. They will simply lay out what the historical evidence says.

 

Dr.Karen Armstrong's book a History of God is a definate must read. That book is a real eye opener. 

 

Good luck in your journey. 

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Hi Freedomwalker. You don't have a lot here for us to go on. I imagine you are young with possibly not so many years invested but most importantly I don't know how literally you church interprets the bible or how cult like their approach is. But by reading in between the lines (guessing) I think you are giving your church community too much credit for having power over your actions. I agree with Geezer that you have not done enough investigating to come to a decision as to positively where you stand in relation to christianity and all things god related. When you figure out exactly what you think is true then it will be easier to see how you want that to fit in your life and what kind of friends you want in your life. As far as your christian friends go they will be able to accept that you are having a kind of faith crisis and are just now in a period of questioning everything. Just remember that the really important thing and probably the most difficult is deciding how you feel and what you want for your future. When you figure those things out positively I think everything will fall into place. You will likely find that there are certain boundaries that you just won't be able or willing to cross. There will be certain things that will be "must haves" both in your life and in what you need from friends. Everything begins to sort itself out as you learn who you are.

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19 hours ago, Geezer said:

Leaving the faith is usually a long and often difficult process. If you are affiliated with a fundamentalist group that makes leaving even more difficult, because leaving a fundy group almost always results in the complete destruction of your social network.

Every situation is different so there is no right or wrong way to leave. You will have to play it by ear and use some common sense.

 

You should definitely expect problems & some blowback. Someone will probably want to "talk" to you about why you have decided to leave the faith. Unless you really know exactly why you're leaving it might be best to ignore such request.

 

I noticed you indicated you want to investigate some spiritual options. That tells me you aren't really certain about your decision to leave your faith. Education is the key to de-converting. Both the Bible & Christianity are man made, but you need to find the evidence that proves that, so you have no doubt that it's true.

 

Do not read apologist because it's their job to defend the faith. In other words they're hoplessly bias.Read historians like Bart Ehrman,  Richard Carrier,  Robert M Price, & David Fitzgerald. They will simply lay out what the historical evidence says.

 

Dr.Karen Armstrong's book a History of God is a definate must read. That book is a real eye opener. 

 

Good luck in your journey. 

Hi Geezer, thanks for writing.  I am sure about leaving but didn't detail all the reading I've done as to be honest I'm typing with one finger on my mobile

 

15 hours ago, DanForsman said:

 

Oops can't seem to delete that!   Lol

 

I read Karen Armstrong's book a couple of years ago and also one of Bart Ehrman's books and found them really interesting and convincing but I caved in due to some peer pressure and rather an emotional roller coaster of related issues.  This time it's different because I'm not feeling the same fear and guilt to the same extent over what I believe.  Thanks for suggesting the other authors .... I'm actually reading some new age books atm, which I realise wouldn't appeal perhaps to many others but I'm enjoying them.  I agree with steering clear of apologetics.

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15 hours ago, DanForsman said:

Hi Freedomwalker. You don't have a lot here for us to go on. I imagine you are young with possibly not so many years invested but most importantly I don't know how literally you church interprets the bible or how cult like their approach is. But by reading in between the lines (guessing) I think you are giving your church community too much credit for having power over your actions. I agree with Geezer that you have not done enough investigating to come to a decision as to positively where you stand in relation to christianity and all things god related. When you figure out exactly what you think is true then it will be easier to see how you want that to fit in your life and what kind of friends you want in your life. As far as your christian friends go they will be able to accept that you are having a kind of faith crisis and are just now in a period of questioning everything. Just remember that the really important thing and probably the most difficult is deciding how you feel and what you want for your future. When you figure those things out positively I think everything will fall into place. You will likely find that there are certain boundaries that you just won't be able or willing to cross. There will be certain things that will be "must haves" both in your life and in what you need from friends. Everything begins to sort itself out as you learn who you are.

Hi DanForeman,  I'm sorry perhaps I ought to have explained in my op that I'm restricted to typing very slowly atm as I haven't got hang of typing on this mobile yet (sigh) so I've not gone into lots oF details but also I really don't want to look back too much.  I appreciate what you've said and see from it that i need to take responsibility for my actions and not give the church so much credit, although I guess boundaries have been an area I've struggled with since being involved with church.  I just want to enjoy exploring different beliefs atm without the fear, obligation and guilt that I experienced with organised religion.  

 

 

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