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LovelyChantel

LovelyChantel is Here

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I survived a crazy cult, and I do mean that in every sense of the word, from birth - 21. I was a "die-hard believer" and believed every bit of it and would have died for it. I used to pray for hours as a child and plead not to be taken to hell as I was threatened that God would take away my salvation but then the next day told I couldn't lose my salvation. I was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually at home and at the school, and shut in the small box room for up to 3 school days in the private Christian school I was forced to attend from K-12. There were "deliverance ceremonies" and other rituals that caused me to pass out/dissociate and wake up on the floor where I would see many other people shaking and chanting, or even some running around in circles screaming and crying and shouting. I was told I was possessed and the prophets would come and work on us... We went to more churches than I can count (25-50, possibly 100).

 

I have severe anxiety, PTSD, an eating disorder and dissociative issues now as an adult. I still am plagued by the most intense fear and terror of these natural disasters that everyone are claiming is the end times. I was bred for this and made for this. But I don't believe it any more. But the fear and negative effects continue to impact me.

 

I'm so scared. What if they were all correct? What if these are the end times and they're right and I'll burn? Been having SEVERE anxiety and suicidal feelings as a result of this programmed and deeply ingrained stuff... They did things to get me/us like this. They used mind control techniques at the school, home(s), and churches and at home I was programmed to be a robot (literally) by painful torture methods that were really games... they were loving games that were excruciatingly painful to bear, a white hot, black tunnel type of pain. they made me one of God's little soldiers and daddy's puppet. I'm here to heal. I dont want this anymore. 

 

I do need to say, there was excessive amounts of love from my parents and family and for that I'm so grateful.. it's just confusing. I had like 3 or 4 lives I was living, all separate and yet together that caused me to be fragmented. I had to keep it all together and yet a secret trying not to come undone at the seams. It was confusing. I don't think my dad did any of it to cause harm but he did cause harm... so now I'm sorting.. thank you. 

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I think I'll go. I have a problem. I think I'm crazy. Like I am obviously fixated and obsessed. I had loving parents, truly. They hurt me but didn't mean to. The games were just, games. Painful yes.. But I liked them. I wanted them. If I could have chosen different I would have but didn't feel I had the choice as I was made to be that way.. But I upset people and will not bring it up again. No one believes any way and it's not right to burden them. I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to burden. I just have been struggling as this time of year is really bad..

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You arent a burden. 

Stick around. Im lurking from work and cant read longer posts, but just stick around for s while. 

Welcome

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1 hour ago, LovelyChantel said:

I think I'll go. I have a problem. I think I'm crazy.... I just have been struggling....

 

Then you've come to the right place!  While we're no substitute for professional help for PTSD etc, we certainly can be a sounding board and offer understanding, empathy and support for anyone struggling with all the $hit that christinsanity leaves in its wake.   Hang in there please!   (((Hugs)))

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I am being serious. I had loving parents.  Want to clsifry, I was NOT governmrntally MC or MK.. But it was similar. I was religiously abused and it was ritualistic in nature. The torture methods were also similar... But it definitely wasn't all bad. My dad for instance was loving and would read/make up stories and play with me and take me hunting and was super supportive. So these torture games were just that, games. It just seemed he got off on the fact I had no control and he enjoyed inflicting pain and wpul d laugh a really creepy laugh. And i was conditioned to ask for them as I loved him so much. But I'm just sorting.. he loved me. I had so many lives.. 

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Maybe why I'm so fragmented. Does anyone else habe dissociative issues or a dissociative disorder? 

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5 hours ago, LovelyChantel said:

Maybe why I'm so fragmented. Does anyone else habe dissociative issues or a dissociative disorder? 

I'm diagnosed with DDNOS. The system is quite co-conscious. I don't normally black out when switching, but alters can control my body and they have different perspectives to memories. Sometimes they surface after asking and getting my permission, sometimes they force a switch and I can only watch from inside.

 

Some also have had to walk their very own paths in and out of Christianity.

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12 hours ago, yunea said:

I'm diagnosed with DDNOS. The system is quite co-conscious. I don't normally black out when switching, but alters can control my body and they have different perspectives to memories. Sometimes they surface after asking and getting my permission, sometimes they force a switch and I can only watch from inside.

 

Some also have had to walk their very own paths in and out of Christianity.

Is yours related to issues within Christianity? If you don't want to answer that's fine. Yep. DDNOS too. Mine are more like aspects. 

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Welcome, and don't feel that you have to go, you've come to a good place where people will listen even though we cannot substitute for professional therapists. I hope you do have a therapist to help you work through the issues. You have been through a lot it sounds like, and we are here to offer (((hugs)) and support to you. Hang in there!

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7 hours ago, LovelyChantel said:

Is yours related to issues within Christianity? If you don't want to answer that's fine. Yep. DDNOS too. Mine are more like aspects. 

Only somewhat, as my upbringing wasn't consistently Christian and I first dove in seriously as a teen. AFAIK, the splitting originally began when I tried to adapt to my mother, who I think is a mix of psychotic (likely schizophrenic) and dissociated herself, and also some other problems in the family. If you want to talk about dissociation, feel free to contact me here in the threads, via PM, or in the Discord Ex-c chat room. :)

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18 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Welcome, and don't feel that you have to go, you've come to a good place where people will listen even though we cannot substitute for professional therapists. I hope you do have a therapist to help you work through the issues. You have been through a lot it sounds like, and we are here to offer (((hugs)) and support to you. Hang in there!

Thank you, that means a lot. Support to you as well 

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You are welcome here but we are not a substitute for professional therapy. You seem to have a love for your mentally unbalanced tormentor and you really need to get some perspective. Good luck.

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17 minutes ago, florduh said:

You are welcome here but we are not a substitute for professional therapy. You seem to have a love for your mentally unbalanced tormentor and you really need to get some perspective. Good luck.

Yes I do love him. He's my dad. But he is very loving too so it's confusing. I'm mostly here to heal from and gain insight into a life after Christianity. I just gave some history.. was that wrong? I need to begin seeing my therapist again. Have a good day.. 

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Please do stick around. This is a wonderful place :).

 

But also see your therapist. I hope all is well.

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1 hour ago, disillusioned said:

Please do stick around. This is a wonderful place :).

 

But also see your therapist. I hope all is well.

Thank you 

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Dear Lovely, 

First let me say that I can not imagine what you have gone through. It pains me to know that you and others have suffered at the hands of Christianity. Add that to another reason I can't allow myself to be apart of it any longer. I never went through the things you faced but my heart is with you. In many of your posts/responses it seems as though you are insecure/ashamed about opening up about the trauma you experienced through your time as a Christian. DO NOT EVER FEEL ASHAMED! This is not your fault. You were only a child and now, as an adult, you have chosen to break the cycle! It is so amazing that you found the strength and courage to walk away from years of abuse. I am new here and still learning the ins and outs of this online community but it seems to me that everyone here has been fucked by Christianity from one end of the spectrum to the other. This seems like a welcoming place to be yourself and tell your story no matter how screwed up it might be. No it is not a substitute for a psychologist but it is a place for friends who can relate to your struggles. As for your parents, of course you love them. Even if they were the ones inflicting the abuse. They will always be your parents and you will always love them. This religion has caused so much pain and suffering to those that follow it. It makes individuals do cruel things to others in it's name. That is not your fault, I don't care if you did asked for the "games". Abuse fucks with you so much mentally that it's hard to see what is right and what is wrong when you are in the thick of it. But you have chosen not to carry on with what your parents did to you (and possibly what they had done to them?) You have broken the cycle so hold your head high and take a deep breath. You have and you will continue to survive and your life will improve. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. Sure, it will take a long time for you to sort through all those awful years but you can do it! Take one step and one day at a time. As for your fear that it all might be true and that the world might end,... to that I have to say LET IT!! I've thought of that and I still do sometimes but my own experience combined with stories like yours really piss me off and if the world ends I'll stand in front of God and question him and his love. How could he allow a religion that's been so evil in his name (if he is so loving and good) carry on and prosper? You were only a child. How many other children out there are facing what you faced or worse???

 

I wish you the best darling. ❤️🤗

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