Telling the parents.

[Christy]

It will be a long time before I tell my parents. I am not ready for that. So far, my husband and this online community are the only ones who know and that has spoiled me. I have yet to meet the resistance a non-believer faces. Don't get me wrong, I know what they face as I have know other non-believers. However, I have never been in their shoes. 

 

I want to start thinking about how to tell them and what to say to them now so I will be prepared when the situation comes. SO!.., how did you tell your parents? Any regrets on how you went about it? Suggestions on how long I should wait? If you've already posted how you told your parents else where on this site, just link the post. Thanks! 

[LovelyChantel]

Well, it all started with me dating someone when I was 22, and he was 33. They were very unimpressed to say the least. He was and still is (and I am too now) a believer (but not a strict follower) of New Age and metaphysics. I am more a mixture of pagan, new age, and even some Christian doctrines (like 'love that neighbor', etc.) I guess you could say I relate to the term "omnist" the most. He (my bf) helped me gain the courage to speak to them. But it should be noted that I'd been doubting for a few years before..  so I guess it took like 3 or 4 years before I really came out to them. 

 

When I did speak to them, my dad accused my bf of stealing me away from him (mostly my dad... yuck...but also God) .. my dad said that my bf is leading me to the devil. My mom was crying and I felt bad but I was just very honest with them. I told them I got some good things such as a few moral codes from the bible but other than that I don't believe. I just had to tell them.

 

They still of course, every chance they get, tell me I'm going to regret it and burn on judgement day. It causes severe panic attacks and feelings of despair that leave me reeling for days but the longer I go, the better it seems to get. It's going on 4 years... 

 

I told them I'm okay if they believe but to please have respect for me and my decisions. They said they can't do that because if they don't try to re-convert me they'll be damned... smh... they'll try until they're dead I guess.. 

 

So, it feels better being in the open about it even though it did cause some issues. 

 

Best of luck.. 

[disillusioned]

After I realized that I no longer believed, I waited over two years before I told anyone other than my wife. When I did decide to tell the rest of my family, I put a lot of thought into how and when I would do it. It had to be done, but it did not have to be done right away. It caused them a lot of pain, and it has forever altered our relationships. But it had to be done. I have no regrets.

 

Everyone's situation is different. The only advice I have is to take your time. To quote Robin Hobb, "Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it."

[Christy]

@LovelyChantel @disillusioned I feel like the only result will be pain unless I could only deconvert them which I don't see possible... my mother is the type that thinks God speaks directly to her and gives her dreams/visions...she doesn't read anything but the Bible or books about the Bible. She knows that I have doubts. I did tell her about that. I didn't go into detail and we only talked through text message because we're both busy, truth be told I was just crying but knew I couldn't handle listening to her. I told her I was going through something and I had a lot of questions that didn't add up. This was only a few weeks ago. If it weren't for the fact that I know she'll try to indoctrinate my children when we move back to my hometown next year ( currently living 10 hrs away) then I might not even tell them. 

[LovelyChantel]

4 minutes ago, Christy said:

@LovelyChantel @disillusioned I feel like the only result will be pain unless I could only deconvert them which I don't see possible... my mother is the type that thinks God speaks directly to her and gives her dreams/visions...she doesn't read anything but the Bible or books about the Bible. She knows that I have doubts. I did tell her about that. I didn't go into detail and we only talked through text message because we're both busy, truth be told I was just crying but knew I couldn't handle listening to her. I told her I was going through something and I had a lot of questions that didn't add up. This was only a few weeks ago. If it weren't for the fact that I know she'll try to indoctrinate my children when we move back to my hometown next year ( currently living 10 hrs away) then I might not even tell them. 

Yes, all my mom reads is the bible or books about end times prophesy and tribulation and the apocalypse. There's no convincing my parents, they won't even entertain the idea for sake of argument. But I get it because I used to be the same way. I personally have hurt my parents worse as I've cut almost total contact with them since January. And that kills them and I feel guilty.. But you're not alone in this. 

[Christy]

I know it'll kill my mom. She's the queen of end of times... this sucks. 

[Christy]

46 minutes ago, LovelyChantel said:

Yes, all my mom reads is the bible or books about end times prophesy and tribulation and the apocalypse. There's no convincing my parents, they won't even entertain the idea for sake of argument. But I get it because I used to be the same way. I personally have hurt my parents worse as I've cut almost total contact with them since January. And that kills them and I feel guilty.. But you're not alone in this. 

Part of me wants to tell her now, before we move so that if she can't handle it then I can change my plans and stay at a distance. 

[LovelyChantel]

2 minutes ago, Christy said:

Part of me wants to tell her now, before we move so that if she can't handle it then I can change my plans and stay at a distance. 

That's understandable. Do some soul searching and weigh the pros and cons 

[sdelsolray]

4 hours ago, Christy said:

@LovelyChantel @disillusioned I feel like the only result will be pain unless I could only deconvert them which I don't see possible... my mother is the type that thinks God speaks directly to her and gives her dreams/visions...she doesn't read anything but the Bible or books about the Bible. She knows that I have doubts. I did tell her about that. I didn't go into detail and we only talked through text message because we're both busy, truth be told I was just crying but knew I couldn't handle listening to her. I told her I was going through something and I had a lot of questions that didn't add up. This was only a few weeks ago. If it weren't for the fact that I know she'll try to indoctrinate my children when we move back to my hometown next year ( currently living 10 hrs away) then I might not even tell them. 

 

You should consider studying the concepts of codependency, enabling and boundaries.

[Christy]

Just now, sdelsolray said:

 

You should consider studying the concepts of codependency, enabling and boundaries.

Thank you, I will do that. Should I just google or do you have a recommended source? 

[LovelyChantel]

19 hours ago, Christy said:

Thank you, I will do that. Should I just google or do you have a recommended source? 

I have many resources as I have severe codependcy issues also. But Google usually brings about good results and resources. Feel free to PM. 

[sdelsolray]

19 hours ago, Christy said:

Thank you, I will do that. Should I just google or do you have a recommended source? 

 

I have no specific recommendations.  Codependency, enabling and boundaries are three robustly understood psychological items, about which significant and accurate literature exists.  Google is probably as good place to start as anywhere else.

[knightcore]

I blurted it out to my dad on the way to school and he told my mom. It was a huge mess and my parents still haven't really recovered from it in some ways. I really regret how I did things, but I was young and under a lot of stress at the time. It was a huge relief but my parents have grieved it ever since and are constantly trying to lead me back. I live away from them now, so we don't have to talk about things like me being a non Christian or gay. It's convenient not to.

[Christy]

8 hours ago, knightcore said:

I blurted it out to my dad on the way to school and he told my mom. It was a huge mess and my parents still haven't really recovered from it in some ways. I really regret how I did things, but I was young and under a lot of stress at the time. It was a huge relief but my parents have grieved it ever since and are constantly trying to lead me back. I live away from them now, so we don't have to talk about things like me being a non Christian or gay. It's convenient not to.

It's crazy how all of us feel like we have to hide and keep quite about who we are to please/protect our families and mostly our parents. I understand the feeling of wanting to blurt it out under stress. When I'm under stress from a long day or just life in general, then my mom wants start talking about Jesus/God/End time prophecy/Are you ready/Read your Bible/Are you teaching the kids/Going to church?/ etc...etc.. I want to say "look! I don't believe in all of that crap anymore! Stop stressing over it! It's stressing me out and I've got more important things to deal with!!" But I keep those thought to myself and just go along with whatever she's saying and try to find a reason to get off the phone. 

[knightcore]

59 minutes ago, Christy said:

It's crazy how all of us feel like we have to hide and keep quite about who we are to please/protect our families and mostly our parents. I understand the feeling of wanting to blurt it out under stress. When I'm under stress from a long day or just life in general, then my mom wants start talking about Jesus/God/End time prophecy/Are you ready/Read your Bible/Are you teaching the kids/Going to church?/ etc...etc.. I want to say "look! I don't believe in all of that crap anymore! Stop stressing over it! It's stressing me out and I've got more important things to deal with!!" But I keep those thought to myself and just go along with whatever she's saying and try to find a reason to get off the phone. 

 

I think overall it's really hard to get over the mental block that you owe your parents everything and that you don't deserve your own happiness. For me it was really amplified because I was constantly told I had a servant's heart and that was my spiritual gifting. I still really struggle with not constantly being "selfless" aka letting people do whatever they want at my expense. Even though I regret how I did it, I don't regret leaving the church when it was giving me a panic attack every week, and every time I saw our pastor I wanted to throw up. If you can, absolutely find a way to have a conversation with your parents but sometimes ripping the bandaid off is the only option.

[Guest Ann]

On 9/16/2017 at 10:54 PM, disillusioned said:

After I realized that I no longer believed, I waited over two years before I told anyone other than my wife. When I did decide to tell the rest of my family, I put a lot of thought into how and when I would do it. It had to be done, but it did not have to be done right away. It caused them a lot of pain, and it has forever altered our relationships. But it had to be done. I have no regrets.

 

Everyone's situation is different. The only advice I have is to take your time. To quote Robin Hobb, "Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it."

The Robin Hobb quote is perfect! Wish I had been as thoughtful as you were. Once I was sure I didn't believe, I pulled off that band aid quick. Zap! I don't regret doing it, but have some regrets how it was done. Reflecting now and knowing my character I don't know if I would have done it differently even with sound advice. I was the kid who had to touch the stove after being warned it was hot. I admire your thoughtfulness and patience.