I'm Having A Hard Time

[Anger]

I feel really alone right now and lately ive been having a hard time wanting to face my thoughts and feelings. Dont want to journal or be honest. I just want to stuff myself with TV, porn or work. Not willing to face what im feeling deep down. When i get to that place i get depressed.  Since ive left Christianity it has affected me a lot. Its been since July and I have been through depression because of it.  I spent 38 years thinking one way though most of it was one foot in and one foot out.  

 

What hurts the most is the faith i had in God, Jesus, the promises. just that something i could lean on when times get tough or i need reassurance on a decision i need to make. Its not there anymore its just me and honestly its made me face up with the fact that I dont like me very much...at all sometimes. Instead of getting my self esteem from what "God" or the Bible says about me i have to get it from myself and thats been hard.  I have programming that somehow from childhood i was led to believe that having self esteem is pride, arrogance and bad. I have a hard time asserting this new me, this awakened me in the world.  Not to mention most of my friends are Christians as is my family. They dont know ive de-converted.  I have a hard time relating to non-Christians fully still since i havent truly trusted myself that i wont get in trouble by going with my true primal male instincts. 

 

Some nights im frozen in fear, afraid of going out on the town and "sinning" and fully trusting myself and i dont need a God to answer to anymore.  I struggle with that.  Im used to preachers and the Bible telling me how to live my life.  That throws me in shame being so old and yet so clueless.   Im going see my therapist today.  I feel alone and hope someone can relate. 

[MOHO]

@Anger,

 

Go out on the town and sin your brains out.

 

Then set an appt. with a GOOD (read "secular") psychologist in the am.

[Margee]

Anger, I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. Once you realize that your brain is really mixed up right now (cognitive dissonance) you will be able to understand that you have had years of indoctrination and that, my dear friend, does not go away overnight. It takes time to figure out what your very own, 'new worldviews' will be. Most of us have gone through this. We understand. Please stay for awhile and keep posting. Keep reading everything you can on the site so you will not feel alone. I  still struggle a bit with who I am but I am becoming very comfortable more and more every day with the newer me. Ask all the questions you want. Someone is always here to help you. You are going to learn very soon that there is no such thing as 'sin'. And you will also learn how to make good choices to help you form your new morality and it will be you who sets all the rules. So try to relax a little while you are new to this. A good member on this site used to tell me all the time, ''Now go and have some fun''! So I'll pass that on to you tonight. Hang in there. It's gets better.

(hug)

[Guest Ann]

12 hours ago, Anger said:

I feel really alone right now and lately ive been having a hard time wanting to face my thoughts and feelings. Dont want to journal or be honest. I just want to stuff myself with TV, porn or work. Not willing to face what im feeling deep down. When i get to that place i get depressed.  Since ive left Christianity it has affected me a lot. Its been since July and I have been through depression because of it.  I spent 38 years thinking one way though most of it was one foot in and one foot out.  

You are not alone. For me, it was difficult as well to be honest with myself. It hurt too much and I was angry. Angry I had been told a lie, and most angry with myself to have believed and swallowed that lie. For me, watching stand up comedians like Louis CK, George Carlin, and Ricky Gervais helped take the sting away a bit when I was feeling down and helped me see in a humorous way, critical thinking can be useful without feeling sad or upset. It was still hard to de-convert and took a lot of time to "sort things out" within.

 

12 hours ago, Anger said:

What hurts the most is the faith i had in God, Jesus, the promises. just that something i could lean on when times get tough or i need reassurance on a decision i need to make. Its not there anymore its just me and honestly its made me face up with the fact that I dont like me very much...at all sometimes. Instead of getting my self esteem from what "God" or the Bible says about me i have to get it from myself and thats been hard.  I have programming that somehow from childhood i was led to believe that having self esteem is pride, arrogance and bad. I have a hard time asserting this new me, this awakened me in the world.  Not to mention most of my friends are Christians as is my family. They dont know ive de-converted.  I have a hard time relating to non-Christians fully still since i havent truly trusted myself that i wont get in trouble by going with my true primal male instincts. 

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you haven't, learn about cognitive dissonance (Margee mentioned the term in her post) as it will help you understand what you are feeling right now AND that you are not alone in the world. It is normal to "feel discomfort when holding two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time" (paraphrased from wiki).

I also experience not liking myself, but while deconverting, the more I practiced honesty and realized god had nothing to do with forgiveness, the better I felt and gained some self esteem back that was truly my own doing. Christianity programs... the only "one" you can rely on is god and that is bullshit and caused me to not  trust myself as well. You won't "get in trouble" anymore since there is no god to punish you. Instead, take pride in knowing that there are consequences to actions of your choosing...good and bad consequences, but those are YOUR choices to make and YOU decide what is best for your life. Like MOHO said....."sin your brains out." You will learn there is no such thing as "sin" and that you are responsible for you...not some sky god. And for me...that felt all kinds of good to know I was the "one" in charge.

 

Give yourself time to "heal" and sort out what you are feeling. Also "give" yourself forgiveness....this process will take time.

[Storm]

I understand how you feel, as I felt much the same way when I first started my deconversion. Changing who you are after such a long time is a difficult process and learning to think and be different is going to take time. Just keep working through your thoughts and feelings and know that it will get better over time. Don't hesitate to go meet with a counselor (non-christian) and address your depression and also to process your deconversion. Isolation and withdrawal is the strength for depression and as much as it can be difficult to be open when you're feeling that way, you need to reach out and get it off your chest and out of your head. Come here if you have to, vent or journal or go to the chatroom. We will listen. We understand.

 

14 hours ago, Anger said:

What hurts the most is the faith i had in God, Jesus, the promises. just that something i could lean on when times get tough or i need reassurance on a decision i need to make. Its not there anymore its just me and honestly its made me face up with the fact that I dont like me very much...at all sometimes. Instead of getting my self esteem from what "God" or the Bible says about me i have to get it from myself and thats been hard.  I have programming that somehow from childhood i was led to believe that having self esteem is pride, arrogance and bad. I have a hard time asserting this new me, this awakened me in the world.  Not to mention most of my friends are Christians as is my family. They dont know ive de-converted.  I have a hard time relating to non-Christians fully still since i havent truly trusted myself that i wont get in trouble by going with my true primal male instincts. 

 

One thing I would like to point out regarding this, is that when you prayed and had the mindset that someone was watching over you, you did and there was. It was you. Nothing has changed in that regard other than the fact that you now understand that it isn't some entity in another dimension, it was simply you expressing how you felt about life and thinking that some cosmic being heard you and cared about you doesn't change that. But just the act of sharing your feelings out loud in a prayer was in itself, cathartic and freeing. And guess what? You can still do that. Talk to yourself in quiet meditation. share how you feel about things in the quiet of the morning or in your "prayer" closet. Its perfectly ok to do that. There is no magic formula to deconverting. You can do it however it works best for you. I still "pray" to myself, much like i did when I was a believer, but I now understand that I am simply being honest with myself rather than petitioning god.

 

15 hours ago, Anger said:

Some nights im frozen in fear, afraid of going out on the town and "sinning" and fully trusting myself and i dont need a God to answer to anymore.  I struggle with that.  Im used to preachers and the Bible telling me how to live my life.  That throws me in shame being so old and yet so clueless.   Im going see my therapist today.  I feel alone and hope someone can relate. 

I still struggle with these feelings too. But, you be who you want to be. You can be a cultural Christian and follow their general moral codes if you want. That is perfectly ok. You have been taught an extreme view of the non-christian world. But the reality is much less crazy than they led you to believe. Truthfully, very few people really care about how you live your life, as long as you respect their right to live theirs. Do what is the most comfortable to you. I think that we often think that when people make a change, that it has to be an all or none proposition. Christians think that if you're not a believer that you eat babies and go to orgies every day. But that isn't true. Being an unbeliever really just means you stop going to church and you stop being influenced by a bunch of rules and regulations set about by people who lived in a very different time than we do now, and those rules really don't apply anymore. As much as believers want that to be the case, I think that deep down, they know this.

 

Bottom line: there are no expectations about leaving the faith you once held. Go at your own pace. Do what you feel works best for you. Its much easier to make small changes than to make wholesale changes. But also remember that if you want to go out and have sex or watch porn or be a "sinner", its ok to do so. Always get consent, and be respectful of others. You only get one trip on this rock. Make it worthwhile.

 

Good luck

[pantheory]

On 10/26/2017 at 2:02 PM, Anger said:

I feel really alone right now and lately ive been having a hard time wanting to face my thoughts and feelings. Dont want to journal or be honest. I just want to stuff myself with TV, porn or work. Not willing to face what im feeling deep down. When i get to that place i get depressed.  Since ive left Christianity it has affected me a lot. Its been since July and I have been through depression because of it.  I spent 38 years thinking one way though most of it was one foot in and one foot out. 

 

What hurts the most is the faith i had in God, Jesus, the promises. just that something i could lean on when times get tough or i need reassurance on a decision i need to make. Its not there anymore its just me and honestly its made me face up with the fact that I don't like me very much.......................................................

 

 

When you lose God you haven't lost anything at all since God(s) of any kind are simple fantasy. Without religious rules you can decide your own life in accord with the laws of the land. Hopefully you have goals. Some of your goals should include helping others to whatever extent you are financially able to do so. By thinking of, and helping others you will not be alone and will likely become well liked and gain many new friends.  By helping others your other goals will progress with more ease and you will be happy with yourself IMO, and any depression will fade away in no time.

 

cheers

[Guest]

On 10/26/2017 at 2:02 PM, Anger said:

I feel really alone right now and lately ive been having a hard time wanting to face my thoughts and feelings. Dont want to journal or be honest. I just want to stuff myself with TV, porn or work.

It is good you are seeing a therapist, facing your thoughts and feelings is difficult without a support system and your body will self-medicate, we are very hedonistic beings and Christianity has told you for years that this is due to your sinfulness.  It isn't.

 

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Not willing to face what im feeling deep down. When i get to that place i get depressed.

Its a spiral, your depression creates self-critical thoughts which no longer have the anchor of your belief system in your cognitions, so because there is nothing to address the thoughts, you run and that reaction is normal, but it perpetuates and exacerbates the depression.

 

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Since ive left Christianity it has affected me a lot. Its been since July and I have been through depression because of it.  I spent 38 years thinking one way though most of it was one foot in and one foot out.  

I have also had to go through depression, but I also had childhood trauma which gave me a nasty dose of PTSD on the way out the door with Christianity, so I can sympathize with your struggles.  Society is not equipped to handle these problems, and neither are individuals, its an ugly situation but it usually does not last.

 

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What hurts the most is the faith i had in God, Jesus, the promises. just that something i could lean on when times get tough or i need reassurance on a decision i need to make. Its not there anymore its just me and honestly its made me face up with the fact that I dont like me very much...at all sometimes. Instead of getting my self esteem from what "God" or the Bible says about me i have to get it from myself and thats been hard.  I have programming that somehow from childhood i was led to believe that having self esteem is pride, arrogance and bad.

Religion is in many ways the opiate of the masses, in that people use both opium and religion to medicate their sorrows in life, and religion happens to be a better way to do it than opium at least.  The cognitive beliefs that were given to each of us, shielded us from the absurdity and chaos of reality which assailed against our confidence and hope for the future.  With religion's demise, depression sinks in, and the amygdala grows creating a factory of anxious terrors for us to fantasize about ad nauseam.  Which means moment to moment, your cognitions are now peppering your conscious with an array of self-demoralizing thoughts and anxious delusions which feel extremely real and this then inclines you to escape, hence the avoidance and self-medicating behaviors.  You realize at least that this latent belief has left much of its programming, which we learn really heightened our self-critical awareness and guilt, due to the way Christianity makes you feel about doing the things which the suffering produced by the guilt and shame automatically triggers.  

 

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 Not to mention most of my friends are Christians as is my family. They dont know ive de-converted.  I have a hard time relating to non-Christians fully still since i havent truly trusted myself that i wont get in trouble by going with my true primal male instincts. 

I went through the double trouble of leaving Mormonism first in life, than leaving Christianity later in life, having been abandoned by both communities as a natural result, I can certainly sympathize, this loss of community goes hand in hand with the downward spiral of depression as well, as most of these people were likely responsible for those helpful and supportive beliefs and cognitions which gave you that confidence.  I have had to go through a long "reconstruction" period, to figure out who I am without Christianity and what it is I now believe.  I think that is important as you need helpful cognitions to respond to and explain suffering, but I also think you need to find alternatives for community and some kind of practice to replace your religious habits.  I meditate twice a day and do yoga daily, which I think is honestly the most helpful thing to do.  Your ruminations get the best of you when they are left unchallenged and unfettered and then you essentially react to your bodily sensations and this results in binges in food, sex and entertainment.  Meditation helps you get to what is reality, and get beyond the old illusive self, the talking autobiographical mind which dominates your emotional temperament, to understand that these thoughts which come to mind are not you and you can observe them coming and going, and you can observe these sensations in your body coming and going, without reacting to them, and the more you do this, the easier it is to do throughout your day.  I would seriously consider talking about a meditation program with your therapist, and I would suggest Headspace as a good app that you could use, and you can do the 10 session trial over and over again for free without payment.  

 

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Some nights im frozen in fear, afraid of going out on the town and "sinning" and fully trusting myself and i dont need a God to answer to anymore. 

Unfortunately, Christianity has taught us how to repress emotions of desire, but consumerism in the wider society also designs the world so that you will swallow your sorrow in gluttony and over-consumption.  This isn't about getting past your guilt and giving into the flesh, as a last F-You to Christianity, that has the hallmarks of self-destructive behavior which would be common for a depressed person whose cognitions have essentially united against them in order to solve an unsolvable problem.  What you must do now, is to learn what the world really is like, outside of the lens of Christianity, to accept that, and to live with that wisdom throughout your life.  Whatever that ends of being, the problems you have will have to be faced and revealed as the falsehoods that they are, so that you can embrace reality in a more healthy way.  I say this not just for you, but for myself and how I have been transformed in the years since leaving Christianity.  

 

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Im used to preachers and the Bible telling me how to live my life.  That throws me in shame being so old and yet so clueless.   Im going see my therapist today.  I feel alone and hope someone can relate. 

From the sound of it too, your name is anger and your god is the gym, which is thankfully a good outlet for exercising these demons, but I hope that you keep up the visits consistently and that you develop other personal practices that will help you with your reactions to the depression and the guilt that it accompanies.  None of it is true, your brain is designed to try and fix the problem and it does that by telling you over and over again how stupid and selfish you are, but that's just traffic sent by the limbic system.  It isn't reality.  Christianity is also, not reality, remember that there is no hell, but there is still a world full of consequence and potential suffering so it is better to get yourself under control and move forward, rather than release animalistically and destructively.  That is in us too sadly, but this too can be overcome, and contentment and happiness are possible, they just don't look like the religions told you they would look like.  

[Anger]

Thank you all for the responses. I really felt the care, empathy and support in your words and that made me feel so much better. It definitely is a process. Thank you letting me feel like im not alone. I will continue to browse, post and encourage myself and others through my process. Sending hugs right back to you.