I've completely indoctrinated my kids. Now what?

[NowWhat]

I just recently joined, and posted my introduction and testimony, but I felt this topic needed its own post. My husband and I both spent several years slowly deprogramming, as we were trying to dig deeper in the word and draw closer to god (um…oops?). It was in the Spring of this year that he and I came face-to-face with the reality of religion being man-made. We’ve had months to accept this new reality, but we’ve yet to figure out how to handle this with our kids.

 

We homeschool our five children, ages 1, 7 10, 13 and 15. I have been indoctrinating them, big time, since birth. We, thankfully, have been out of church, though, since before our first was born. We stopped going when I was terribly sick with pregnancy, and I think my husband found that as a great opportunity to escape completely. I kept urging him to return to church, but being the good, little, obedient and submissive wife that I was, I conceded and we never went back (thank goodness!). So the only real indoctrination they’ve received is from us, although they have been surrounded by Christians in every area of life…family, friends, Christian homeschool groups. But we live in the country, and are pretty homebody-ish, so my husband and I are 95% of the influence in their lives.

 

My kids have always been super curious and inquisitive. They bring us questions about everything, including life and the Bible. I have always answered them the best that I could, and of course used scripture for most of it. When my faith began crumbling earlier this year, that became the hardest part…the kids!!   Before I was even certain I no longer believed, I told the older kids that Daddy & I were struggling to feel that we had the right answers for their spiritual questions. That we were sorry we had always just answered their questions with the same answers we had been given, and that we were now really searching hard for the truth so we could answer them appropriately. And, in the mean time, we would no longer be studying or praying with them, and would likely answer their Biblical questions with a lot of, “I don’t knows,” until we had found better answers. Then I turned any usual prayers times into a time that we just list our “Gratefuls and Hopefuls” for the day. And we’ve left it at that until we can figure out how else to handle it. They’ve had plenty of questions, and received a lot of “I don’t know”s. They ask some pretty profound questions, too. Just 2 days ago, my 13-yr-old daughter walked into the kitchen and said, “I will never understand why, since God can do anything, he wouldn’t just defeat the devil. Why would he want satan to make our lives so hard?” I’m thrilled she is already a critical thinker!! I told her that I agreed that the things of the Bible were very confusing and conflicting. That this was one of the things that Daddy and I wanted to have good answers for, but just don’t right now. And then I encouraged her to keep thinking through things like that, and to ask any questions she had, even if I didn’t have real answers.

 

We’ve always told them precisely what to believe, and I don’t really want to do that again. My husband feels strongly that we need to tell them what WE believe/don’t believe. But I also want them to research and decide for themselves as they mature. Maybe we can do a combination of both? As in, ”Here is what Daddy and I have found in our research, this is where it has left us, now we want to research all the different religions, science, etc with you., and let you guys decide the truth for yourselves.” My husband still feels pretty angry about being brainwashed his whole life, and doesn’t want to leave them in their current brainwashed state, while piling on conflicting views. But I also know that no one could have really talked me out of Christianity, no matter how convinced they were themselves. I had to discover the truth on my own, and I feel that our children need that opportunity, as well.

 

Another big concern is that if we tell our kids, we have to be prepared for the very real possibility they will reveal all of this to their grandparents and other family. I usually have no problem with people around us viewing us as the weirdoes/outsiders. It tends to come with the territory when you have more than 2 or 3 kids, and you’re the only ones in the family who homeschool.  But, this could be so damaging to those we know, especially the grandparents. We could never say anything that would change their minds about religion, nor do we care to. So they would just spend their remaining years distressed over the “destination of our souls.” When I was completely in it, hook, line & sinker, I would have been devastated to think one of my close friends or family were “destined for Hell.” I’d just prefer our parents not spend their final years worrying about that. And if we want to keep them from it, we’ll have to ask our kids to lie, dance around topics, etc, which is not very likely to work with little kids, anyway…not to mention, EW! I don’t want them to have to be that type of person. I thought of presenting it along the same lines of… It’s not appropriate to tell someone you think their hair looks stupid, even if that’s the truth, or that their dress is ugly, etc. That it’s not good to lie, but there are times when it’s better to just keep the truth to yourself, when telling the truth would just hurt a person. Ugh…I duuno.  This is a major struggle right now. We don’t know how to move forward from here.

 

Any advice, from anyone, is welcome and appreciated. I would especially love to hear from parents who have been through something like this with their children, and how their kids responded. We definitely feel like something needs to be said or done. For months, it has felt like we have this huge secret we’re keeping from them, and that every day we don’t say anything, we’re doing more damage. Help!

[Geezer]

I think it's important to admit, as parents, when we have made a mistake to our children. Maybe you might consider sitting down with them and tell them the things you've taught them about God & the Bible you believed were true when you taught them those things. But even parents make mistakes, and you have become aware of new information that has changed your mind about what you used to believe was true about God & the Bible. And now you want to share this new information with them.

 

 

 

 

[Positivist]

Wow, I'm so late to the party!!!!! It's my new normal! 

 

I am not a parent (reasons posted elsewhere LOL) so am not really good for advice on this topic! BUT..... I think what you're doing is AWESOME. Raising 5 amazing kids, who are even demonstrating some critical thinking! You are being transparent and honest with yourselves and are finding ways to be honest and transparent with (in a way that is not completely destructive to) your dependents and others around you.

 

I have so much respect for you and wish I lived in TX now!

 

There are some awesome TX folks who are parents 'beyond belief'. Are you on FaceBook?

[R_Collins]

Wow. I've been listening to de-conversion stories for over 20 years, and yours is probably the most unique one I've ever heard!! 

 

Based on your post last Saturday 11/25 (in the "What has been the hardest part of your deconversion from Christianity?" thread), things appear to already be getting pretty tense. 

 

You aren't going to be able to keep your and your husband's de-conversion secret forever. (Let's call it "enlightenment", not "de-conversion". Enlightenment is more descriptive of where you are going, instead of where you've been.)

 

Also, you only have about 3 years before your oldest goes to college or is able to start being financially independent, so you don't have much time. 

 

Therefore, you and your husband have to come up with a plan. Your children are probably as smart and inquisitive as you are, so it is likely that at least your two oldest are already starting to think about what they're being taught. 

 

Studying the Bible has turned more Christians into Atheists than anything else. (That's what happened to me.) So one potential approach would be to have them study the Bible analytically instead of devotionally. 

 

Devotionally studying the Bible means cherry-picking a verse here and there to "prove" and "get a blessing from" what you've already pre-decided to believe. 

 

Analytically studying the Bible means relating its parts to its (in)coherent whole, reading entire chapters and books and comparing them to each other and to known facts about history, mathematics, archaeology, etc. That is, reading it like you would read any other book. 

 

This would give your children a smooth transition from what THEY know about the Bible, to what YOU now know about it. Once they have made that journey themselves, they will better understand your journey. 

 

True story: When my daughter was 13 years old, her mother, who is my ex-wife and very very fundamentalist, was pressuring my daughter to join her church. I did not try to talk my daughter out of it. I just said, "Your mom's church believes the Bible, doesn't it?", "Yes", she replied. "Have you read all of the Bible?" I asked, "Not all of it", she replied. "So do you think it would be a good idea to read it before you said you believed it?" I asked. 

 

My daughter agreed with me. So I bought her a modern translation (New American Standard), and suggested that she start with either Genesis or Matthew. She did, and that was the last time I ever heard her say that she wanted to join her mother's church. She is now 27 years old, and is not religious. 

 

BTW, I have a YouTube channel, with videos which might be helpful to you. https://www.youtube.com/user/freethinkersbooks

 

I also have a web site, freethinkersbooks.com 

 

You can also get a lot of good info from web sites like skepticsannotatedbible.com and infidels.org . I also think that books by Bart Ehrman are very well written and informative. Ehrman also has a web site. 

 

That leaves the issue of your relatives. That is a tough one. There's just no way that you are going to be able to keep this secret. Obviously, you and your children love the grandparents, and you do not want to hurt their feelings. 

 

I spent a lot of time teaching my children about religious tolerance. For them to have the right to believe as they believe, they have to recognize that other people have that right too, even if their beliefs are different. My children have close friends of several different races and many different religions. So that part of it worked well. 

 

With their mother and her family, all of whom were hyper-fundamentalist, this had mixed results. My daughter has always had good relationships with her mother, mother's parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My son's relationship with them has not been as good, but that is for reasons unrelated to religion (which would be off-topic and inappropriate to discuss here). 

[CousinChimp]

Hey, I'm in very much the same boat as you, and struggling as well. My husband and I have 3 kids aged 5 to 12. We were both raised in Christian homes. I started having serious doubts about a decade ago, my husband about 3 years ago. I carried on for a while after being talked out of my doubts by a friend, attending church and being heavily involved in children's ministries. Hubby and I had a big talk about 18 months ago discovering that we had the same doubts and haven't been to church in over a year. 

 

Now I really struggle with the questions our 5 and 9 year old daughters have, fortunately our 12 year old son has been a staunch heathen his whole life. I've told him that we aren't sure what we believe anymore but it's hard with the girls. My husband has elderly parents that would be devastated if they knew so we can't tell the kids too much. They're also being indoctrinated at school so it's difficult. 

 

I'm doing a few things ad-hoc: trying to avoid answering religious questions directly, asking them if they think the Bible makes sense on whatever issue they have, teaching them the basics of evolution and other scientific principles, telling them the truth when they ask if fairy stories and concepts are real. It's a day at a time though. I'm waiting for the 5 year old who likes to speak her mind to make an announcement one day at a family function that we don't go to church anymore.

[MOHO]

11 hours ago, CousinChimp said:

They're also being indoctrinated at school so it's difficult. 

 

Bail on THAT school, @CousinChimp !!!

[midniterider]

I wouldn't do anything drastic because that just messes with your kids' heads. They need stability. You can gradually direct them away from religion, though.

 

Perhaps you have been given a 'word' that Jesus wants your family to become more independent in thought. Jesus gave us all a powerful brain to put to use. Cant really argue with that.

 

Jesus wants strong critical thinkers for his great plan...blah blah. Satan cannot deceive us if we are quick witted, etc. So subtly increase science, reason,  logic, encourage original/creative thought while fading away from Jesus.

 

Play it by ear. Do what you need to do for the moment. Give your kids love and demonstrate how to be a good person like you always have done.