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Goodbye Jesus

A Family in Denial


LostinParis

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Lately I have been thinking a lot about the concept of denial.

 

Now that I have left christianity if feels like I have woken from a bizarre dream. I can't believe the level of denial I was in. Why did I supress reality? Why did I wait so long to leave christianity?

 

Perhaps it was the inertia that comes with staying at home with three small children. I had no money of my own. I felt sure my marriage would end if I explored my doubts about christianity. I remember trying to talk myself into believing. I desperately wanted it to be true.

 

I guess we all have our reasons to stay Christian.

 

My husband is still a christian, choosing to ignore evidence and deny evolution. He is also in denial about his father sexually abusing his sisters when they were young. In fact his entire family is in denial.

 

For years I played along with the charade of his perfect, happy family to the outside world. Because as a christian I had been programmed with a forgiveness mindset. Because god forgives me, a sinner.

 

So why do we choose to stay asleep? Can denial be sustained long-term? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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12 minutes ago, LostinParis said:

So why do we choose to stay asleep? Can denial be sustained long-term? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

Hi LostinParis

 

I'm not a psychologist but I think part of the reason is a mental comfort thing. We simply ignore information that does not confirm to our view of the world.

 

If you know you are in denial I'd say no, long term something is going to give. If you know you are in denial you will be in a state of cognitive dissonance and your mental state will want to correct that. However a lot of denial is subconscious - you can point out the facts of evolution till you are blue in the face and some people will just say they are lies, and there is no evidence etc and they don't seem to suffer from years of this denial. Take Kent Hovind, Ray Comfort and Ken Ham as our case studies here.

 

I felt much like you when I left, especially as I always did question things, but I suppressed them. No no, the pastor must be right, its the devil playing with your mind, and you just need to pray to god and believe was my reasoning at the time.

 

Now I'm like that is total B/S!

 

 

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LostinParis, I think that denial is a state of not wanting to know the truth. I had a girlfriend that used to say all the time, ''Time to put my horse blinders on'' and she would take her hands and put them up to her face and make pretend blinders. She used to say, ''Can't live a happy life with my blinders off.'' A lot of her family including her kids gave her a lot of grief and she said it was the only way she could survive it. When my blinders came off my eyes with christianity, everything changed for me. It's like a veil came off and I really was able to see 'life' for what it is. Reality can really suck at times. I know what you are saying when you say you feel like you played a charade. I did that too. And it's so hard when someone you love is living in denial when you know what the truth is. Glad you are here with us. Hang in there.

 

(hug)

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@LostinParis  As a fellow member of the "Unequally Yoked Club," I want to welcome you to Ex-C.   There are quite a few of us here with believing spouses.   Some lucky ones have spouses who have come around (or seem to be in the process) and then there are those of us whose spouses are still firmly entrenched in the delusion.   

 

Compartmentalization -- that's how I think believers stay in the delusion.  They are experts in putting everything in life (and the bible) into neat little compartments in their brain.  But once the god-goggles/blinders come off, look out!

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hi @LostinParis, prior to becoming involved in Christianity, my experience of denial was with relatives who seem to selectively ignore certain information that you told them ie when confronted with something - it seemed like a kind of blindness, perhaps because of an unwillingness to face up to a fact or issue because of the implications and consequences.  So I think its protective in some way for the person themselves, or towards someone or something else that they value, perhaps ultimately in terms of their self-belief.   

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Hey @LostinParis,

 

Welcome to Ex-C and the Unequally Yoked Club!

 

Enlightenment is such a personal experience that it is inevitable that spouses will experience it one at a time - if at all. And once you are enlightened there is no going back. I tried. No workie.

 

I think you and I have  touched on this topic before but do your fams know of your exit from the insanity and delusions? If so, how are they taking it and how are you coping with their belief(s) and is there pressure from them?

 

Personally - I have come out but go with Mrs. MOHO to Sunday AM meeting every  other Sunday or so (don't' go in the sanctuary - just patrol the parking lot and lobbies) just to smooth things over. She can be a bear and I'm a woosie computer geek so....

 

Here's to wishing you the best and letting you know that you can find support here.

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

 

 

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I think denial is often a short term survival tactic. It's no way to live, however.

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@rachel15 @florduh Yes I think you're correct, denial may be a form of self-preservation. If you have built your whole life around a core belief it can be frightening to even consider facing reality. I guess people make decisions based on what they feel they can cope with at the time.

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7 hours ago, MOHO said:

 

I think you and I have  touched on this topic before but do your fams know of your exit from the insanity and delusions? If so, how are they taking it and how are you coping with their belief(s) and is there pressure from them?

 

Only my husband and my family know about my deconversion. My family have been supportive.

 

My husband and I have agreed on a somewhat mutual respect for each other's views. The battleground has now shifted to our kids and how we raise them.

 

My coping strategy at the moment is recreational ethanol.

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Denial is a classic psychological defense, and normally it is unconscious

 

I remember reading a study about a hypnotist. He would put a table in the middle of the room, then he would put the patient into a deep trance and hypnotize him into believing that there was no table in the room. He would tell the patient "come directly from your chair to my chair." The patient would get up and circle around the table-- not a direct line. The hypnotist would then say, "why didn't you walk directly to me in a straight line?" The patients who he hypnotized said a variety of things. "Oh I just wanted to look out the window." or "I wanted to take a look at the painting on the wall." 

 

I think denial in highly religious people is similar. A part of them knows that something is true, but they are in too much of a trance to be able to know it. Then, when they are called out on it, they rationalize it... and don't even realize it.

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Hi @Contemplation, interesting about hypnosis - I remember an online conversation  saying that everyone is 'hypnotised' to an extent by their beliefs - and people can flip in and out of trance during the day.  

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