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Make Me Invisible


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Damn, I wish I were invisible instead of dreading the small talk.

I wish I were transparent and not making this long walk.

I'd really like to turn and leave; I'd really like to quit.

but I take one "for the team" because my wife believes this shit.

 

It's hard for me at home when she's in a Bible mood;

harder still when I want out of church - not trying to be rude

or angry, mean or petty - I just know I don't belong,

and I'm a stranger to these people, though I'd been here all along.

 

They just took me for granted - I showed up every week

and sang the songs, and sometimes played, and talked in Christian-speak.

They never knew I struggled because they never asked

and nobody guessed a freaking thing if I just stuck to task.

 

Then, for a while, I walked away - I made the choice to leave.

I told my wife I'd had enough and refused to believe.

A person here or there asked her where I'd been these days

but she said she couldn't find the words and couldn't meet their gaze.

 

I was angry - didn't understand why she couldn't tell the truth,

Would it make me seem an enemy? A fool, insane, uncouth?

Would I just be seen as selfish, childish, over-thinking and afraid

and forgetful of the loving "sacrifice" that "Jesus" made?

 

Or was she just afraid that all my reasons carried weight,

that the desperation that's required for "faith" just came too late?

Was she afraid to tell them that I no longer believed

because she knew deep down inside that she had been deceived?

 

I think so - the only thing she hangs onto these days

is the "proof" that there are people "loving God" in helpful ways

like serving poor and homeless folks and caring for the sick;

I guess when "God" is absent, human beings do the tricks.

 

Long story short, I started back - I wanted to belong,

to once again take up the cross, the bible and the song

I did it so that we could feel like family again

instead of feeling so much on the outside looking in.

 

What have I found since coming back and sitting in my place?

Each same, same weekly greeting from each bright, smiling face

and not an inch of depth, nor single word sincere;

the God-talk keeps us sounding right, but protects from getting near.

 

All I have to do is believe the lies I tell,

about "praise God, I'm over-blessed" - pretending that I'm well

as long as I keep parroting the same old loathing lies

about how I'm a sinner, through happy, shining eyes.

 

Well, today I couldn't take it - I couldn't stand the scene

and I couldn't make the nonsense God-words sound like what they mean,

so I turned and left again - fighting back a tear...

 

...must I return again, or will I learn to disappear?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Wow....... you nailed it!

 

I admire you trying so hard to make church work for the sake of your family but I can totally understand that the rift in your authenticity--the gap between who you are and who you have to pretend to be--is too much of a burden to bear.

 

Ugh.

 

Wish I could support you in church--we could do some really good subversive and passive aggressive shit together. :wicked:

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On 20/11/2017 at 5:53 AM, L.B. said:

Damn, I wish I were invisible instead of dreading the small talk.

I wish I were transparent and not making this long walk.

I'd really like to turn and leave; I'd really like to quit.

but I take one "for the team" because my wife believes this shit.

 

It's hard for me at home when she's in a Bible mood;

harder still when I want out of church - not trying to be rude

or angry, mean or petty - I just know I don't belong,

and I'm a stranger to these people, though I'd been here all along.

 

They just took me for granted - I showed up every week

and sang the songs, and sometimes played, and talked in Christian-speak.

They never knew I struggled because they never asked

and nobody guessed a freaking thing if I just stuck to task.

 

Then, for a while, I walked away - I made the choice to leave.

I told my wife I'd had enough and refused to believe.

A person here or there asked her where I'd been these days

but she said she couldn't find the words and couldn't meet their gaze.

 

I was angry - didn't understand why she couldn't tell the truth,

Would it make me seem an enemy? A fool, insane, uncouth?

Would I just be seen as selfish, childish, over-thinking and afraid

and forgetful of the loving "sacrifice" that "Jesus" made?

 

Or was she just afraid that all my reasons carried weight,

that the desperation that's required for "faith" just came too late?

Was she afraid to tell them that I no longer believed

because she knew deep down inside that she had been deceived?

 

I think so - the only thing she hangs onto these days

is the "proof" that there are people "loving God" in helpful ways

like serving poor and homeless folks and caring for the sick;

I guess when "God" is absent, human beings do the tricks.

 

Long story short, I started back - I wanted to belong,

to once again take up the cross, the bible and the song

I did it so that we could feel like family again

instead of feeling so much on the outside looking in.

 

What have I found since coming back and sitting in my place?

Each same, same weekly greeting from each bright, smiling face

and not an inch of depth, nor single word sincere;

the God-talk keeps us sounding right, but protects from getting near.

 

All I have to do is believe the lies I tell,

about "praise God, I'm over-blessed" - pretending that I'm well

as long as I keep parroting the same old loathing lies

about how I'm a sinner, through happy, shining eyes.

 

Well, today I couldn't take it - I couldn't stand the scene

and I couldn't make the nonsense God-words sound like what they mean,

so I turned and left again - fighting back a tear...

 

...must I return again, or will I learn to disappear?

Hmm, the church and it's obsession with family.

 

Don't you hate it when they say

 

"Welcome to the family"

 

Imagine you replied 

 

Damn, shit! I can't fuck any of you then.

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4 hours ago, primaryzero said:

Hmm, the church and it's obsession with family.

 

Don't you hate it when they say

 

"Welcome to the family"

 

Imagine you replied 

 

Damn, shit! I can't fuck any of you then.

 

You could just smile and say "Incest is best" 

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