Double Mindedness

[Lost]

I need to admit to myself and everyone that I am a double minded person.

 

I'm in general looking nice, kind and a patient person, shy, blondie girl with an angelic, cute face. But I'm kind of have a dark side (really ugly and dark thoughts about people, especially the ones that bullied me at school in the past or people in family that piss me off).

 

Even some people here piss me off and I'm jealous that they are so sure for 100% that Christianity is a lie. I wish I could be 1 in Dawkin's scale.

 

My aunt says that sometimes I make really bad eyes like I would torture or murder someone in my mind.

 

About  2 years ago my cousin's dad died. She and her close ones arranged for him "the best" hospital to make him survive. After successful surgery he caughta deadly bacteria and died. I liked the image of my stupid, rich cousin crying. No one really cared when I was 8 years old when my mum died, so I was happy that her daddy died.

 

When I was a believer I felt in 80-90% an angel that loves God, but has 10-20% of a dark side that was covered by faith in Christ. After losing faith and when I developed a depersonalization disorder... my dark side wants to be the first. My angelic side controls dark side's urges.

 

My dad has the same thing as me...he is a good person without BS in general, but sometimes wishes people bad stuff or speak about certain people really badly. He is a rationalist.

 

I don't know, how to explain that rationally. I said to my psychologist (she diagnosed me with specific personality disorder) that somehow I suppose that somehow I have psychopathic tendencies and I'm two-faced person.

 

I guess, I need Bob Larson's exorcism or more biblical than his ones.

 

I don't want spiritual world to be real, I want to be a rationalist, but maybe somehow exorcism practice could help me anyway.

 

Does someone here struggle with her or his dark side?

[ConsiderTheSource]

Hi girl. Due to lack of experience, am not in a strong position to address or claim empathy for Specific Personality Disorder.  So, all I have to offer you is my compassion....which I know is totally inadequate.  I hope you find the tools you need to either rid yourself of this disorder, or fully manage it.  

 

So, instead, maybe I can offer a small thought with your goal of rationality in mind.  Maybe a little nudge in the "right" direction....or maybe just some non applicable nonsense.  

 

Anyway, dark side and light side are, in my mind, are false dichotomies.   You are what you are, and that is it.  It may be more comfortable for your mind to "package" and "seal off" you thoughts and memories into "Dark" and "Light" buckets, but, this sense of comfort does allow one to live fully in rational reality.  When I got to the point where I fully understood that god was imaginary, I dumped both of those buckets into one pot, and accepted that I could not do anything to change the past, but I had total authority with what I did with my future.  No "dark".  No "light".  Just "what shall i decide to do with this day", a scarce and valuable resource as I know I have only a limited, yet unknown,number of days left.  What do I want to do with this day?  What will produce the most happiness for ME?  Everyday I wake up grateful I have another day to perform this exercise, and everyday I make the most of.  Any other course simply make no rational sense.

 

Nudge or nonsense, I do wish you well.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Many cultures recognize that we each have a dominant personality, and sometimes several not-as-dominant personalities (or facets of one personality). Some people manifest these strongly, one taking over and then another, but that is far more rare than simply recognizing that we are complex beings with different "characters" inside. Fiction writers use this to develop characters for books or movies, saying that the characters seem to spring to life and write themselves, or object when the author goes against character. Many people have sexual fetishes that are not part of their everyday life, but come out in the right setting, and they find deep satisfaction in pursuing those things (there are hundreds of kinds). Some truly enjoy being shamed, others like being spanked or whipped, some enjoy the idea of raping or being raped, some are more obscure like popping balloons or certain kinds of textures that bring excitement.

 

Religion often creates a light/dark conflict, but observing Christians who are told they are light, pure, unblemished, etc and seeing that they behave as badly as any other humans should be enough to demonstrate that the "cure" of Jesus is hogwash. They remain mere humans despite any claims of being born-again. All of us here know that there was no change from Jesus, and many of us wept bitterly over what we thought was sin dominating us, when all along we had been lied to about sin even being a real thing. We are animals with passionate drives, sometimes seething anger, we have what the Germans call schadenfreude or enjoying other people's suffering (why is slapstick comedy so popular when it depicts people being hurt repeatedly, why are gore movies popular, why are scary movies popular), so we are complex emotional beings and Christianity tries to label it all impure or bad. It just "is".

 

How we actually behave and treat others represents a choice we all make daily. I have envisioned so many horrible things against my bullies for decades, but never did anything. I've envisioned all kinds of things I won't go into, but haven't done any of them. It provides an emotional outlet to imagine things. Fetishes in sex provide a means of expressing those desires with another person or persons. The more violent fantasies are better left fantasies because of the real-life harm it would cause others, and then because of the crime, cause harm to us for doing them. So our choices of behavior are far more important than fleeting or even recurring imaginary things. I have found it helpful to explore the "why am I enjoying this", not to judge myself but to try and better understand myself and the nuances of emotion that lead me this way or that.

 

[florduh]

12 hours ago, ConsiderTheSource said:

Anyway, dark side and light side are, in my mind, are false dichotomies.

Yep.