Family, boundaries, and survival

[Moxie]

I'm thinking about dropping some family members out of my life because they will never be able to accept me as the person I've become. The one nagging thought I keep having is, "what if I need them someday?" Even though I've never had to depend on these people, I find myself going into some weird survival mode as if I'll need them for shelter. And it's all because of one thought that my grandma planted in my mind many many years ago. She told me that I should not distance myself from people at the church because... "you might need them someday."

 

Can anyone else relate to this?

[florduh]

That a person is a fellow Christian or even a family member is no guarantee that they will be there for you when the SHTF. I have seen this many times in my long life. Personally, I have people who are neither religious nor genetically related to my who have my back, and I have theirs.

[MOHO]

It's too easy for fundy's to rationalize that they don't have to help you because YOU are a non-believer.

That is also why I avoid business dealings with, or count on them, too much at all.

 

My BFF is a scream'n atheist who has been there for me...and I for him.

[Moxie]

4 hours ago, florduh said:

That a person is a fellow Christian or even a family member is no guarantee that they will be there for you when the SHTF. I have seen this many times in my long life. Personally, I have people who are neither religious nor genetically related to my who have my back, and I have theirs.

 

Thanks. I had a cousin who told me she had my back, and when I did ask her for help, she had an excuse.

 

I think the only reason I feel the need to stay connected is simply because they were a part of my childhood. But who says you have to maintain relationships with everyone from your childhood? I'm ready for a permanent shift in my life. I'm not getting any younger, and as far as I can tell, this is the only life I've got.

[Orbit]

9 hours ago, PaganBookworm said:

I'm thinking about dropping some family members out of my life because they will never be able to accept me as the person I've become. The one nagging thought I keep having is, "what if I need them someday?" Even though I've never had to depend on these people, I find myself going into some weird survival mode as if I'll need them for shelter. And it's all because of one thought that my grandma planted in my mind many many years ago. She told me that I should not distance myself from people at the church because... "you might need them someday."

 

Can anyone else relate to this?

 

It's important to build a secular support network so you don't feel so vulnerable. Religion is no guarantee that others will have your back anyway.

[ConsiderTheSource]

"and as far as I can tell, this is the only life I've got."

 

EXACTLY.  Make the most of every single day.  

 

 

[Moxie]

Update:

 

I unfriended and blocked 13 people from Facebook, most of whom were family members who will never be able to accept me for who I am.

 

It's a relief. I am free to simply be and fully express myself without getting backlash or silly infantilizing comments from them.

[Moxie]

36 minutes ago, Burnedout said:

Bookworm,

 

It doesn't have to be JUST religion that is a problem.  I am 52 years old and my parents, who are in their late 70's and early 80's, would try to run both mine and my sister's lives if they could.  I just rather bluntly and abruptly tell them to 'stuff it' or 'shove it'.  NO KIDDING.  I don't go visit them about 7 to 8 hour drive away but maybe once every few years.  They wonder why neither I nor my sister will visit them and I tell them why, and they just don't want to accept it....well, my father does, my mother does not.  Though I am going to have to see them more often because their health is starting to fail them at their age.  But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.  

 

Thanks for the response. In my case, I have family members around your age who can't accept that I'm actually an adult, a working professional. Thankfully I live 1,200 miles away from them. I never did have a relationship with them, and I realized that I still am uninterested. They found me on Facebook last year and reconnected me with my dad. Slowly over time, I realized they were not going to catch up to the fact that after over 20 years, I had become my own woman.

 

Plus, I'm using social media to market my online business, and I had to block them because they were putting infantilizing comments on my profile. Even if I told them that I was using my profile for business purposes, they still don't know boundaries because they see it as their place to "set our baby girl straight."

 

So I cut cords and it's such a relief. Now I'm connected to people who really get me, and to people who have enough sense to let me be.

[dmeck]

Yes, I can relate.  I am older and both of my parents are now dead.   My tone may sound callous and cold, but when I take a stand, I stubbornly stand by my decisions.   With that said, I basically divorced my parents.   I see being indoctrinated into Xianity is a forum of child abuse.  Having a child baptized, confirmed into a church and forced to attend bible school when they’re young is exploitation.   It started slowly, but eventually I wanted nothing to do with them.   When they passed away, I felt nothing.  I am not embellishing at all.   To this day, I have not visited their cemetery plot and have no intention of doing so.  It is one of those things I would do over and would divorced from anyone who forced their beliefs upon me. 

Still, logically and intellectually I know my denial of god and renunciation of xianty is right, yet, I always have this lingering sense of guilt.  I feel no guilt about my parents, only about my strong atheist views. Their forced xian indoctrination still haunts me.   On the bright side it has subsided over the years, but it is there.