knightcore

Constant Inadequacy

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I know I don't post here very much anymore, but I'm kind of having a breakthrough that I'm sure many of you have had but it's really hitting me hard right now and I don't really have anywhere else I can talk about this.

 

I posted right before Christmas that I've had a talk with my mom and she told me she would never accept me as her son because I'm her daughter etc etc etc I'll link that whole thread later if anyone wants. But I've felt for a long time that my parents love is kind of performative even though I know they do love me. But a lot of times it feels like they only love me out of Christian obligation. Like they need to show me they love me because it's what Christ would do and they might be able to bring me back to faith that way. But I've also realized that I've... literally never been more important to them than their faith. I struggle a lot already feeling like I'm not enough. I'm the oldest of four, and I get ignored a lot because I was up until last year the most low maintenance of my siblings. Everything I want to do is always put to the side in favor of the others, I'm asked to compromise, I'm asked to be the one to step up and that the hit etc.

I was struggling today because my dad who has been promising for a year to come install some shelves for me and reiterated that promise around Christmas has put it of again in favor of doing things that he found more important. I only really get one day a week off from everything and I always plan it around him when he comes up and for him to cancel again on me was just... a lot today. It's not really the shelves, it's just that it is once again, a promise he hasn't kept. Like when he wouldn't come to my games, or put off something he promised me, or told me flat out something else was more pressing. I'm used to it by now but I guess I had hoped maybe he would keep his promise for once.

I've been spiralling all day long and it just hit me that it's always been the case that things come before me and that maybe a lot of that inadequacy also has to do with being told by our church that I'm insignificant. That nothing is more important than faith or god, and that nothing I do has meaning if it's not for god. My parents have told me much of the same.

This post rambles a lot, I'm sorry I'm very manic right now and I can't organize my thoughts.

I guess the TL;DR is that I realized that I've been told my whole life I'm not important and today I realized a lot of that stems from my family's faith and beliefs.

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It's disheartening when we fully realize that our parents are just people with flaws; people who can be shortsighted, selfish, or unfeeling. It helps to build a network of accepting friends to replace the family group you look to for support. It hurts, but parents can't always give us what we need. Hang in there,

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Guest Ann
On 1/8/2018 at 6:39 AM, knightcore said:

It's not really the shelves, it's just that it is once again, a promise he hasn't kept.

 

On 1/8/2018 at 6:39 AM, knightcore said:

I'm very manic right now and I can't organize my thoughts.

I guess the TL;DR is that I realized that I've been told my whole life I'm not important and today I realized a lot of that stems from my family's faith and beliefs.

Hi Nightcore,

I'm sorry you are going through some shit with your parental units once again...

I have felt the same ^^ when dealing with my mom. Like the rug was constantly being pulled from under me or the knife in my back she put there because it suited her and her needs in the moment. And I also had moments I could not organize my thoughts or place my feelings when dealing with her nuttiness. You are not alone.

 

One thing that helped me soooo much was looking into Narcissism. For me, I also blamed religion as a bad influence over my mother and if only she would stop believing in Jesus, then her and I could have a good mother/daughter relationship. The fact of the matter (for me) was it wasn't about religion, but my mom was a narc and it wasn't just the religion that was more important than me....but almost everything was more important.

 

When I started watching some videos on youtube (for me I could only take 10-20 min videos as I was overwhelmed by the information) about covert/overt narcissism, and related topics like being the "scapegoat" or the "golden child" of a narc and what that meant was I able to place my feelings and anxiety over the relationship I thought I had with my mom to rest.  I'm not saying your dad is a narc....I have no idea...but in my case, looking into what Narcissism is and how "they" behave helped me.

 

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On 1/7/2018 at 9:39 PM, knightcore said:

But I've also realized that I've... literally never been more important to them than their faith.

 

Knightcore, I am the opposite parent to this.  Been their for our two kids, always.  When my daughter came out as LGBT (actually, it was more me pulling her out of the closet) I made very clear to our legacy church relationships that my daughter was far more important and valuable than ANY religion, and harshly dealt with any pushback.

 

I wish I had more to offer you.  It sucks where you are at in the family pecking order.  One possibility would be to confront them with this truth.  Yes, they will deny it; but, maybe (no guarentee) they will at least change their behavior a bit.  But, more importantly, the more you put the responsibility where it belongs, the less your burden will be.  And, you definately need to look after your well being first.

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