Your worst nightmare.

[Deacon_Soze]

 First off I want to make something clear. I do not have a hate nor dislike for what christianity is  or christians are . I have seen them do a lot of good for less priviledged. I know it is also responsible for much death.

Also if you are a person who still denies that Jesus was a real person then you need to get with the program. There is more proof of his existence than Alexander the Great. Do you question that he was real. The now looming question of Jesus is : Was he the son of god?

 

I want you guys to follow me. Lighten your heads, especially those in the mid to late 30's , even early 40's. We are getting into my Delorean. You ready? We are going back... to the past!

You are here with me, I feel like Micheal W. Smith's ''The Big Picture'' is just playing in the background. Yeah we are in the mall. ''What's that?'', you ask. Thats a christian bookstore my friend. Van get your radical NIV version of the bible, Precious Moments figures as gifts and the latest album by Carmen to really ''pump'' you up.

 

Come on we are heading home. Turn the radio on, yeah that's the popular christian station, they should have a christian comedy hour coming up. Hope it is Mike Warnke again.

Well it seems it is time for ''Focus on the Family''. You see Dr. James Dobson claims to have set out as a atheist to disprove god and christianity. In doing this he became a believer and started this huge money making industry. You heard the ad, your contributions and gift offerings can be sent to that address. Make those checks payable to.....

 

Saturday morning ! Come on! Pour you a bowl of your favorite cereal, we have 10 boxes here. Cartoons? Well maybe later, Adventures in Odyssey is coming on the radio . Shhhhhh. Who does'nt love the Eugene character? Again with the ad to send money to James Dobson? Must cost a lot to keep this running.

Well we can play later outside, have to learn these bible verses for Sunday school tomorrow. Also learning a new song through Maranatha Praise Ministries. I mean come on, Salty the Singing Song Book cassete will show us how it goes.

 

Yeah church is slammed packed today.Many believers dressed to the nines . That guy? He is the youth pastor. He usually is more friendly with the girls. Talks an awful lot with those two.

That guy? Nothing wrong with him, he just has limp wrist and talks very feminine all the time. People say just a quiet sweetheart of a guy.

Yeah , seems christianity is just so huge now . Hey you hear that new Stryper song yet ? How about the guitar work on that new Petra album? Killer.

I know I heard something about roughly 20 some years ago some scrolls were found in a cave that prove that the bible is real and a nation wide revival has been moving since.

 

I bet you did'nt even realize that had a bible game for Nintendo. This one is Moses. By the way, I have decided to give my life to christ as well. Young? Yeah but everyone is doing it and things seem so perfect . You should have seen my parents eyes light up when I told them I wanted to be baptized. It's a big deal, grandparents will be there, friends and family. A calling? Well no, not really. It's what I should do right, it's what my parents want.....

 

Wake up! We are back. Did'nt have the capability to generate 1.21 jiggawatts through a bolt of lightning but I always carry around extra plutonium.

 

''What was the perfect little bubble we were in?'' It was my life till about age 10. Well then I was taken out of school and parents put me in homeschool.  My parents seem to think that socializing with kids my age will be detrimental to my christian upbringing. Yeah sure I enjoyed having friends, wished I could have played sports. Best to keep outside influences away thought by making me and my sister sit and watch a video series filmed from a live classroom at a christian school from another state. Yeah it is boring and seems to cause sociable disadvanteges . They say we are smarter though and graduate with better over all grades. 

 

My parents are big into the ..''spare the rod'', scripture. No my sister does not get it as much. I guess I deserve it, after all consequences only come in the form of a belt,stick,switch and paddle. ''My sobbing the other night?'' Well I have a hard time retaining math and equations, especially when taught from a video tape. Yeah , I guess he felt like I was intentionally not able to figure those math problems out. Yeah, several very hard smacks on the back of my head, never heard him yell so loud and refer to me as stupid. I honestly did'nt know how to solve them. I hate the crying hiccups, they hurt. 

 

Well you have to understand they are southern baptist style christians. My dad part time preaches and full time music ministry in the churches. Almost seems like he spends more time serving this god than ever being a dad. Never once had a conversation with me about growing up or the ol ''birds and the bee's'' . How did I learn? Like any other sheltered kid I guess, put pieces together, heard things from other kids. Victoria Secrete Catalogue was my friend. Will never forget the night I tried to throw it away in the downstairs trash and my dad came down and scared me. Wanted to know what I put in the trash very angrily. I reluctantly pulled out a folded up Victoria Secrete. The scolding and embarrassment I recieved made me feel like I had done drugs, the walk of shame to my room is what I did that night. What could be worse than a secluded young boy looking at half naked women?

 

Well it's all work and no play. I have to grow up quickly it seems. I longed for sports and real friends. The rejects I was forced to socialize with from Sunday Schools and homeschool ''meet ups'' made me feel even more so a reject and loser. All I have are my G.I Joes and video games. Comics, now they help me escape reality in a real way. Plus all the half naked super hero women I need , just drawn.

 

Yeah I admit I played with my toys probably longer than most boys my age. I had nothing else to do. Loved to play outside as well but by yourself can be old. Sure dad comes in my room and says, ''are'nt you too old to be playing with toys?'' I don't know what else to do.

 

My sister got her license first so it is time for me and her to hang out in our late adolescent years (nothing wierd there) as we are both friendless for the most part. Introduced into a world we know little about. So excited today, was in the mall and a talent agent for a male clothes modeling company approached me. Gave me her card . To this day I can tell you her first and last name. I have always been told I was a good looking guy but this was next level. So flattering and different, I mean I could be in a Strawbridges Catalogue.

Well parents seem to think it could lead to a lavish lifestyle of the world and that is not of god. You will not be making any appointment , after all your still 16.

 

Man why are we changing churches so much. Never seen so many issues inside them. They seem to split more and more often. 

 

We got this new dial up internet in the house . Is nice. There are these things called ''chatrooms'' and you meet people on there. I'm insanely popular , all these women who describe themselves as 10's out of 10's are always on there talking to me about themselves.  Has to be the case, who would lie about what they look like on a Lycos Chatroom?

How do my parents always know where I have been and what I have looked at online? I always delete browser history. WTF is a cache?

 

Over heard my dad the other day talking about my sister. She dropped community college. Not for her. He said that he wished he could see one of his kids graduate and become something. I'm so fed up with the torture homeschool was maybe go back into education with kids my age not knowing anything about anything. I mean I will be fine , these are community college adults-not like I'm going to  high school .

 

This is tough. I don't know how to talk to these people. I seem to come off weird, like I'm trying to hard. Think in one class room I was already actually made fun of for wearing certain clothes. This is horrible, why the hell did I choose Business Admin. ? I hate math.

Working and doing this is stressful and tough. Not the best grades but I'm getting it done. After all it is what my parents want.

 

Yeah I graduated , made some real friends and I would be lying to you if I said beer was not awesome. 

I have been dating for real finally. Not those chaperoned home coming dances or teen dates to the theme park. Late bloomer is an understatement, 18 before any real kind of encounter. Typical older woman story . Not a cougar but still 10 years on me , talk about nervous. I don't know what to say ,do or how to act. I bumble off words like an idiot and drink more Gatorade than a Olympic sprinter. 

I feel like I have been shadowed from something quite natural , like I have to make up a lot of lost time. I start bringing girls home often. Going upstaires and playing around. Parents confront me one day. Found pictures of women from digital cameras (before good cell cameras) in my email account. Basically snooping into everything I did . This lifestyle would not be allowed in a christian household. Needed to go back to school for BA, pay rent or get out. In the words of Thorogood...''out the door I went''. 

Had saved enough through the years for a down payment on a home and had steady work. No one has had 8 years blur by them faster then me after I bought my own home and lived by myself. was still considering myself a christian but lived a life that rivaled a rock star for those years.  I prayed a lot as guilt set in from time to time . I was raised in such a strict christian home , lived fearing hell. 

My father loves what I call ''scare tactic '' preaching. Takes pride in being refered to as a ''doom and gloom'' preacher. 

 

Late 2000's I found who would be my wife, we were married and as my father changed churches again we followed. I started getting involved in the latest one. My sister always followed as well as she had married as well and had several children.  Keep in mind I never drank around my parents or did they ever really know how I had been living for that time period. Was ashamed and scared of their opinion and what they would think of me. My dad nor mom ever touched alcohol or smoked.

Hated to even talk about it as a 30 something year old man when talking about vacations me and my wife would take. It is not what they would want.

 

From my late 20's into my 30's I was fervent back into the scriptures. Your worst nightmare . A southern style baptists preachers son who was educated in the bible back and forth and was into apologetics. You atheist on here , I loved the online battles. You want to know why kids are born with cancer? You wanna talk dinosaurs in the bible? I got your answers.

Bible studies came, we also got ''plugged in'' as they like to call it . Me and my wife still enjoyed our lifestyle. We work very hard and both are making good money . No kids but we really don't want any. We are career driven . After all is not that why you wanted me to go to college? We are doing it, working hard and contributing to church what services we can. Thats what you want right?

 

As usual the church suffers internal issues. Church polotics they call it. Possibly a pastor dipping deeper into the funds than he should have. This was the guy though. My parents said he was called and the congregation were not following correctly. Turns out he was inciting rumors to cause a split and dipping into the piggy bank for a lot more.  This is the guy mom and dad said was a victim and a man who had direction. A man who plugged me and my wife ''in''. Who preached like a loud lion and put on the best show. Who said he heard god calling to him to let me know that I was to be used in the church to fullfill duties they needed filled. Just not enough men in there to do it . I asked to wait and think it over asI felt no calling.  He insisted he did. I also knew it was something my dad wanted .

 

I did not live any different while in this role. Felt guilt , as I still drank and partied with friends on the weekends at times. Still took our vacations every years to de stress from work. 

I prayed every night , felt guilty if I did'nt . If was so tried from work I would sometimes fall asleep praying in bed. I did not feel different ,just guilted all the time. 

The flip side was we were bonding ,even with hints of my drinking and how we lived on our vacations . We were closer than we had ever been in decades it seemed. Doing things together at the cost of serving a church that was not feeling right. 

 

As the split happened half the church left and it grew smaller . Leaving the extreme conservatists with us. My dad was choosen to be a pastor for the first time . A full time pastor. We found ourselves spreading thin. Filling roles of a larger church building with very few members. People mostly there were retired and could take on some multiple roles but me and my wife started feeling like we were coming to work on Sundays now. Is that right?  We had already stopped the bible studies but were still attending Sundays and another day. It was getting harder and harder. 

My father took this new ''calling'' as pator to a new level. 

When he all-of-the-sudden started getting rid of all outside influences from the home. The flat screen,the dvd's anything that was not of god and took attention from him. Almost living Ahmish .

 

Soon the churches demands started requiring ''work days''  and additional sacrafices. To be ''on call'' for those needing through the week.  We can't do this. I resign my position and things really started to heat up and my questioning of the word started there.

To see someone change their veiws and beliefs in a matter of weeks. To see someone start to preach how we need to get back to the ''early'' church. I guess the assumption is that all christians back when loved each other and could not get enough of each other that they worshipped together every day. Yeah right!

Those years he started full time pastorship I saw changes that made me questions something I had just believed for my whole life. Was the first to take offense at a non believer and argue with the atheist. I started watching him preach on how glorious the reward would be for martyrs as they gave their life. What did we do? We just came to church and sang some songs. Did he just endorse getting killed for this?

Constantly ( also most annoying) would point upward  when refering to ''going up there''. Up where? There is nothing up there except clouds and space. We can see for light years now, into other galaxies. there is nothing. The ascension started me thinking a bunch of simple minds told people that there is a place in the clouds and we still believe it? It was almost insulting. They knew no one could go that high to see so who could prove them wrong?

Then when due our jobs and stress we back out of most of our duties there, then the sermons started to get ''personal''.

Sermons scoffing at people who put any faith in money or retirement or a 401k . Such a petty thing to put faith in. We had just been at there house prior weeks talking about some very successful stocks we had invested in . How our 401k's were soaring. My parents never really bothered with one as god will always provide. This is why tithing is mandatory.

 

Then sermons turned to how you should spend you hard earned money. extra cash you are blessed with should be distributed in the church. Another jab. As I enjoy cars as a hobby and have a few. Something we use to bond over. Now a lavish extravagance . always using a certain make that we owned as a example in the sermon. Sometimes we would drive it on Sundays so everyone knew who he was talking about. Would make you sit there and feel guilty for enjoying things with your own money. I mean we tithed, we gave to charities and still do but not enough.

Funny thing is there were people there with multiple properties and homes so much nicer than ours. That is never objectified as it can't be seen by others. You drive a nice car? that can be objectified. Does not matter that the guy over there owns more homes than he needs or that guy has several boats. We don't mention homes and boats here.

 

Then being selfish by not wanting kids is next. They are a blessing and choosing a life void of them is greedy and not fruitful. Lets emphasize this on the Mothers day sermons. You could be filling our nurseries up with littles ones and not enjoying the life you want. 

 

Then the time your giving to god was next. Taking vacations to unwind? That's time away from serving god. On vacation and not even considering your relaxing on a beach on a Sunday? The constant brow beating and condemming sermons were making us dread church and with my already questioning things it started to make sense.

How can everyone around the world who are raised in their parents religion be wrong and are all going to hell? The fear of hell is what makes this thrive and my dad feeds off this fear. Always nevr apologizing and loving to preach a sermon that makes poeple squirm and feel bad about their lives. So Japanese people who naturally die by the hundreds every day are all doomed because they believe Shinto and not a religion that was only formed 5000 years ago. How are we the right ones? 

Do I really think that 7 people off an ark re populated the entire earth. All races came from 7 incestuous people? There are apologetist that have the math figured out and stick to this I kid you not.

A whale swallowed a guy and spit him out?

Then the thought of the sky splitting open and this figure descends from those clouds again...why the clouds? What were you doing there? Heaven must be on a different dimension. Where?

If we were created in your image and loved so much why throw out so many obstacles to keep us from following you? why not be transparent about it? You loved the world so much you created you to die for you so that you can look at us? What..wait....

Then I really got into the Council of Nicea.This is  where the books by man were chosen . What stays in and what is out of the bible. The books that did not get put in really opened my eyes. The were absurd but Revelations is OK? Mythical animals and prophecies some say conjured up while on opium. 

 

Then really looked into the OT and was amazed and what is there that no one wants to tackle or question. Just say , ''well those were the old laws''.  How god chose certain tribes but men belonging to the opposition died by the thousands . How wars needed to be won as long as you had the arm strength to hold a staff in the air.

How ghost and spirits were conjured up. I wish I could see a ghost. More cameras now than people they say and no definitive picture of one. Always some blurry blue splotch. You know why? cause there is no such thing.

 

So with two years of questioning and realizing that my dad would rather serve a apparition that has done nothing for him except give him the ''Job'' treatment than to ever be a dad to a guy who needed it; I realized I had been living almost my whole life for my parents and what they approved of and thought of me. I had done everything they wanted when young, now those things are of the ''evil one''.

 

We have left and a weight I can not desribe has been lifted . To not worry if you forgot to talk to yourself at night and pray for people who are sick that say heaven is great , can't wait to be there but pray they don't die and also ask forgiveness for being what you made me to be; is a wonderful thing. To just sleep knowing to live a good life and do what makes you happy. Be with friends , enjoy it as it is so short. I look into it now as cultish almost . Still not public about my final deconversion but so past the drama.

 

I think the idea is there can't be good people that are not christians. Almost 30 some years of my life believing this. Seeing what it does to most as they get older, how hypocrisy and fear cause changes. I no longer live a life in guilt and fear for living how I want. We work hard and play hard when time to relax.

 

I have studied the bible all my life and love science as well. People are discouraged from logical , smart thinking. Science is only right when it can cure what is hurting you. It is always wromg with everything else . My father has been a type 1 diabetic since he was in his early 20's. He has said god gave it to him to make him ''straighten up''.

Point one is a canadian atheist who did not follow his father who was a pator came up with injectable incelin. Without this atheist who chose science over ministry my father would be dead now. By christian law as well this man now burns in hell as I type because he did not believe , he only saved millions of lives.

Point two is my sisters first male (my nephew) just got it. Turns out it is genetic and skips a generation in males. He got it earlier than my dad but turns out god was not mad at my nephew as well and smote him.

 

I'm sorry about the length of this little life synopsis I just typed. I have been guesting on here reading peoples testimonials and feeling deeply about sharing mine.   It is good to meet you all with a sober mind this time. 

[Geezer]

Darrell Ray, a clinical psychologist, wrote a book he titled, " The God Virus." 

 

The virus is contagious. It's passed from person to person by personal contact. Once infected the virus penetrates a person's brain and destroys that person's ability to critically analyze information. It then destroys the persons ability to think logically & rationally. It eventually turns the victim into a programmed robot, that is incapable of thinking on their own.

 

All the victim can do, at that point, is repeat what's been programmed into their infected brains. The virus isn't fatal but it is virtually impossible to reverse the damage it does to the victims brain.

 

 

[Deacon_Soze]

I must apologize for my mis types at times. I get in a rush of emotion on some things and do not pay attention.

 

Geezer,

I understand now. I recall one time during a prayer we were so desperate for a praise, for some good news that a member mentioned their pulled tendon healed. ''Praise god!!'' Praise him for this quick healing. Well you had it in a sling and were not using it as per doctors orders! Soooooo?? 

[Geezer]

Your story is not as unusual or unique as you might think. The details differ but those leaving a fundamentalist version of Christianity often have similar stories. Getting all of those teachings & beliefs out of your head is usually a long and difficult process. The consequences that come with leaving a conservative religion are also similar and generally unpleasant. 

 

Sites like this this one are usually helpful & for some folks it's essential. It's comforting to be around like minded folks that have had similar experiences. 

[TABA]

16 hours ago, Deacon_Soze said:

We have left and a weight I can not desribe has been lifted . To not worry if you forgot to talk to yourself at night and pray for people who are sick that say heaven is great , can't wait to be there but pray they don't die and also ask forgiveness for being what you made me to be; is a wonderful thing. To just sleep knowing to live a good life and do what makes you happy. Be with friends , enjoy it as it is so short. I look into it now as cultish almost . Still not public about my final deconversion but so past the drama.

 

Hi Deacon_Soze, you're very welcome to our community!  The passage I quoted above really spoke to me.  It is a feeling that you will hear expressed many times around here.  Congratulations on breaking free of the faith virus!  Isn't it good to be your own person now, free of the beliefs that were engraved on it my somebody else! 

[Deacon_Soze]

On 2/5/2018 at 11:08 AM, Geezer said:

Your story is not as unusual or unique as you might think. The details differ but those leaving a fundamentalist version of Christianity often have similar stories. Getting all of those teachings & beliefs out of your head is usually a long and difficult process. The consequences that come with leaving a conservative religion are also similar and generally unpleasant. 

 

Sites like this this one are usually helpful & for some folks it's essential. It's comforting to be around like minded folks that have had similar experiences. 

Understood. The thing that kills me even more is christianity was so cleverly written. See , I know the scriptures that will run through my parents head. Further (in their mind) proving the bible to be real. 

''Son will turn on parents...'' , ''Many will fall away...''

They will honestly believe that the ''evil one'' is allowing me and my wife to have some disposible income to keep us from god. Never mind the 60 plus hour work weeks we put in every week

It is especially inpleasant when your dad is the pastor of the church. 

 

[Deacon_Soze]

On 2/5/2018 at 12:22 PM, ThereAndBackAgain said:

 

Hi Deacon_Soze, you're very welcome to our community!  The passage I quoted above really spoke to me.  It is a feeling that you will hear expressed many times around here.  Congratulations on breaking free of the faith virus!  Isn't it good to be your own person now, free of the beliefs that were engraved on it my somebody else! 

Thanks much. Usually it was the other way around when someone makes such a statement. It was turning into mental abuse. The short time we had off (our weekends) was turning into really just a Saturday. Sunday was becoming not only abusive but labor intensive. 

If god is omniscient he should have seen this coming, so no surprise! 

Glad to be here!

[Guest]

On 2/4/2018 at 7:56 PM, Deacon_Soze said:

  I realized I had been living almost my whole life for my parents and what they approved of and thought of me. I had done everything they wanted when young, now those things are of the ''evil one''.

This is a painful realization, when it happens to you.  The extent to which I went to keep my parents approval. I know I will still keep their love, but definitely not their approval, and that doesn't bother me anymore. I only feel sadness for them, because of the extent to which their lives are controlled, and the curtain of fear that they live behind. The greatest irony of all is that Christians will argue that they are free. 

On 2/4/2018 at 7:56 PM, Deacon_Soze said:

We have left and a weight I can not desribe has been lifted . To not worry if you forgot to talk to yourself at night and pray for people who are sick that say heaven is great , can't wait to be there but pray they don't die and also ask forgiveness for being what you made me to be; is a wonderful thing. To just sleep knowing to live a good life and do what makes you happy. Be with friends , enjoy it as it is so short. I look into it now as cultish almost . Still not public about my final deconversion but so past the drama.

I honestly grieved for years the people I loved that I thought were going to hell, because that's what the church told me, what I believed. The moment when this weight was lifted from me, along with all the guilt and fear, was an indescribable one.

On 2/4/2018 at 7:56 PM, Deacon_Soze said:

 

I'm sorry about the length of this little life synopsis I just typed. I have been guesting on here reading peoples testimonials and feeling deeply about sharing mine.   It is good to meet you all with a sober mind this time. 

Welcome! And thank you for sharing your story, it really resonated with me.

[Tsathoggua9]

What a story! Thanks for sharing, and welcome aboard.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Thank you, Deacon, for your story. Don't worry about how long it is (I read all of it). It really spoke to me because I have also tried long and hard to win my father's validation. The truth is, there is no pleasing people like that and the point is to keep you in a state of perpetual need of validation (it's easier to control you that way). That being said, it's hard because it's family and it's only human to want validation. It took an enormous amount of courage for you to escape (it did for me), and cudos for that. Thank you for posting and sharing your experiences. 

[ChangeofFaith]

Your story brought back so many memories, being raised on odyssey and the singing song book. I even remember playing that Nintendo game! Thank you for posting your story. I am just beginning to open my eyes to how false of a script for life the bible is. It so hard to grasp that what you looked to for answers is just a really well written fiction.

[Lerk]

Wow, that's quite a story! I wasn't into Christianity at your level, but I was a worship leader ("song leader" in ChurchOfChrist-speak) as were my brother, my sons, and some nephews. My father-in-law was a preacher and people wanted me to preach, too. I always resisted. But I was 52 years old when I realized it was all just mythology! And I can write a lot about it, too!

 

Welcome aboard. Happy to have you here, and hope you find it a good place to be.

 

Now about that "more evidence for Jesus than Alexander the Great" bit -- sounds like you have some more research to do. But don't we all? (Hint... there are no known 1st century references to Jesus outside of the Bible, the only supposed one being a brief and bewildering mention by Josephus, which is a forgery. Christians existed, no doubt! Christianity was born in the 1st century, but that isn't evidence for the man himself. I personally think Jesus was most likely a real person, though some suggest he was an amalgamation of several teachers. Nevertheless, that's something that cannot demonstrated with any available documentation.)

[Hierophant]

On 8/7/2018 at 5:37 AM, Lerk said:

Now about that "more evidence for Jesus than Alexander the Great" bit -- sounds like you have some more research to do. But don't we all? (Hint... there are no known 1st century references to Jesus outside of the Bible, the only supposed one being a brief and bewildering mention by Josephus, which is a forgery. Christians existed, no doubt! Christianity was born in the 1st century, but that isn't evidence for the man himself. I personally think Jesus was most likely a real person, though some suggest he was an amalgamation of several teachers. Nevertheless, that's something that cannot demonstrated with any available documentation.)

 

I agree. David Fitzgerald, Robert M. Price, and Richard Carrier do a fairly solid job of demonstrating there is not even remotely the kind of evidence for Yeshua bar Joseph as Alexander the Great. I too thought mythicism was some outlandish nonsense to be dismissed offhand. After hearing the evidence, I am agnostic on the matter.

[Geezer]

It is probably much easier to turn a mythical literary figure into a deity, and convince the world wide masses that he was God disguised as a human being in the form of God's son, than it would be to convince the world a real human being is a God.

 

Real human beings are too flawed and subsepable to fleshly temptations to pull that off on a mass world wide scale.