RachelSkates Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I see similar posts, but they are astonishing and funny! I hope this one will show the horrific pain xianity can bring into your life. I am weak and fearful because I was born disabled. With privitization of medical care, often my demographic is forced into faith based industries. At any rate, every other year I am pulled back in. It always starts with my suffering and a soft spoken xian who "wants to help." This last time around, was the worst. i was harased and made to think I was cared about, touched, hugged, kisses without permission. Prior to this I have been blantatly abused, beaten, hit, etc......I was forced to marry a man 30 years older than me with no job and a problem with drinking "that was cured----right) and I cannot even relate the nightmare I endured other to say I am often mute from the trauma. I was told it is Gods will that I am disabled and poor. Well, I know I am all over the place right now so I will focus on last night. I get suicidal from all this and hear God talking to me a lot and telling me He hates me and things I can't get out of my head so I am suicidal I called a hotline and it was a pastor. He was telling me I would be a murderer. A MURDERER! I would go to hell. I asked why God would make a disabled person have to be a murderer when my friend with PhDs from Columbia don't have to . "To he who has, more shall be given." He then told me about Bonhoeffer. But his entire life was shorter than the time I have suffered with my disability. Jesus had a few hours on the cross. Max Kolb, same thing. They had lives and then a brief period of suffering. The guy did not get it. He kept going on about Paul and his thorn, etc.............Paul asked three times, etc. OK, Do you even KNOW someone who has suffered almost 4 decades with a terrible disability? No............................. In the end, I (That should be bolded as in I , not HIM) said, "I do think prayer would be more effective right now that apologoetcs." Finally he did pray. I felt so bad. I have taken many beatdowns in the last couple days since I have been sucidal. My parents, borther, sister and unlce ganged up on me and told me how stupid I am . I was screamed at because I should be grateful for being disabled. My sister hates her job and wants to be disabled. wow................. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austere Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Oh my god. I am so so sorry that happened to you. I can't IMAGINE how your life has been, and then to hear that when you reached out for help... You are not going to be a murderer. Nobody has any business saying that on a hot line and the media would have a field day with it. There is nothing I can do but tell you that I feel so incredibly outraged on your behalf. Stay strong--you have survived so far and you can continue to survive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToHellWithMe Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 That sounds pretty fucking weird indeed. As with all stupidity, it's best to 1) cut it out of your life, 2) disregard it forever. It's better to marvel at the ridiculousness of what some people say and admire their gall rather than try to reason and plead with them. I mean some can speak bullshit so confidently and with a perfect poker face you just have to admit you're not their match and move on. Even if you could win, is it necessarily worth it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear about this. You do not deserve to treated in this way. Your story is particularly sobering. You're right, sometimes we tend to make fun of Christianity, and sometimes this extends to our stories of how it has damaged us. I can only speak for myself, but I think that this is a coping mechanism more than anything else. For me, the damage was mostly psychological. Sometimes I find it easier to carry on with my life by making light of things. I think there are probably others here who can say something similar. But please be assured that we have not forgotten how dangerous Christianity really is. You deserve better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelSkates Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 Thank you guys for the support!! It was that which lead me back here. I am a terrible prevaricator . I cannot let it go and that is OK. I am very damaged and weak and I have come to terms that I will be in and out of it forever. I am OK with th at now. My brother was a preacher and is now an atheist. It is scary to me, but he is patient and he allows me to be in or out and lovves me and laughs at and with me on my journey. I am so glad people here understand!!! For some of us who have damaged emotions and even brains, it gave us such a peaceful illusion that it is all we have in our broken lives and yet, we KNOW it is useless, completely useless. If I am homeless praising Jesus, that is no testimony. If I am laying in a pool of vomit and blood and saying God is good, well, no thanks. When I sober up and see my old friend in a Jaguar saying Jesus is so great........that brings a LOT of cogintive dissonace. Then theology.....Jacob vs Esau, loved by God, hated by God, etcetcetc........................ If I sound confused let me just say I am completely fucking crazy from this now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austere Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 You're not crazy, you sound pretry freakin sane to me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
◊ DestinyTurtle ◊ Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 It sounds like you are in a really difficult place where you need help but you're surrounded by insincere people. If it's any help, my advice is to judge people by what they do and not what they say/claim. There are genuinely great people out there in the world, but they are definitely not going around pronouncing what great people they are or making empty assurances about how so-and-so loves you (or any other dogma-based platitudes with a catch). There are some horrible people who are trying to coast through life by mere charisma, and use other people merely to further their narcissistic narratives. I believe your observations are accurate and your feelings are true, and I hope that in some small way the validation and assurance you receive from the online community here helps... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelSkates Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 They are sincere but mentally ill. Not in the sense I am . They follow a shared psychosis and it bleeds into their lives. No one has even checked to see if I am OK and it's Day Three.They hate me. the sad thing is before, I was ALWAYS the sensitive one to made things better. I wasted that sentiment . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austere Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Get angry. Get as angry as you need to. Give yourself permission to feel it. Ignore the fear that comes with feeling so much anger that you were always taught not to feel, even as a child. That anger is over a miscarriage of justice and it should be felt. Eventually, once you have felt it and acknowledged its legitimacy, the anger will give way to pain and sorrow. the pain and sorrow that comes with knowing that everything that has happened to you is in the past and it cannot be changed, no matter what you wish they did and no matter what you wish you did or said at the time. With sorrow comes the ability to heal. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelSkates Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 I am glad you allow swearing on here. I get censored in other forums so I left them. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShotoManhattan Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I think the worst experiences are being at retreats where people praise Jesus. Being Catholic, I've been to a few retreats with the Evangelical music playing along side a Euchraistic Adoration time where the Wafer in a cross is passed around. People faint and then speak in tongues. All I ever got out of it was very sad and in tears the whole time. This was at one retreat 20 years ago in June and later a retreat at Franciscan University at Steubenville in 1999. I tried going to Catholic Men Conference's and don't really go to them anymore. Some of these people actually talk about starting up the Crusades again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quinntar Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 On 03/03/2018 at 12:53 PM, RachelSkates said: I see similar posts, but they are astonishing and funny! I hope this one will show the horrific pain xianity can bring into your life. I am weak and fearful because I was born disabled. With privitization of medical care, often my demographic is forced into faith based industries. At any rate, every other year I am pulled back in. It always starts with my suffering and a soft spoken xian who "wants to help." This last time around, was the worst. i was harased and made to think I was cared about, touched, hugged, kisses without permission. Prior to this I have been blantatly abused, beaten, hit, etc......I was forced to marry a man 30 years older than me with no job and a problem with drinking "that was cured----right) and I cannot even relate the nightmare I endured other to say I am often mute from the trauma. I was told it is Gods will that I am disabled and poor. Well, I know I am all over the place right now so I will focus on last night. I get suicidal from all this and hear God talking to me a lot and telling me He hates me and things I can't get out of my head so I am suicidal I called a hotline and it was a pastor. He was telling me I would be a murderer. A MURDERER! I would go to hell. I asked why God would make a disabled person have to be a murderer when my friend with PhDs from Columbia don't have to . "To he who has, more shall be given." He then told me about Bonhoeffer. But his entire life was shorter than the time I have suffered with my disability. Jesus had a few hours on the cross. Max Kolb, same thing. They had lives and then a brief period of suffering. The guy did not get it. He kept going on about Paul and his thorn, etc.............Paul asked three times, etc. OK, Do you even KNOW someone who has suffered almost 4 decades with a terrible disability? No............................. In the end, I (That should be bolded as in I , not HIM) said, "I do think prayer would be more effective right now that apologoetcs." Finally he did pray. I felt so bad. I have taken many beatdowns in the last couple days since I have been sucidal. My parents, borther, sister and unlce ganged up on me and told me how stupid I am . I was screamed at because I should be grateful for being disabled. My sister hates her job and wants to be disabled. wow................. Wow indeed, here's a song for you from midnight oil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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