TruthSeeker0

A letter to my parents

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Over the last few months I have been gathering my thoughts together, as I knew the time was approaching when I would have to break the news about my non-belief to my parents. I wish there would have been another choice, but I come from a very fundamentalist background and it's impossible to live a free life when you are questioned about when you're coming to church, or when you've last been there, or why you moved away from the community.

 

Here it is, I'd like to attach it for anybody interested, in hopes that it might help somebody else who is contemplating the same thing. The letter has been sent, and although I have yet to deal with the reactions, I feel a great deal more free than I did living a pretense for my family.

Dear mom and dad2.docx

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16 minutes ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Over the last few months I have been gathering my thoughts together, as I knew the time was approaching when I would have to break the news about my non-belief to my parents. I wish there would have been another choice, but I come from a very fundamentalist background and it's impossible to live a free life when you are questioned about when you're coming to church, or when you've last been there, or why you moved away from the community.

 

Here it is, I'd like to attach it for anybody interested, in hopes that it might help somebody else who is contemplating the same thing. The letter has been sent, and although I have yet to deal with the reactions, I feel a great deal more free than I did living a pretense for my family.

Dear mom and dad2.docx

Man, that letter was much wiser and kinder than the way I came out to my parents that I was leaving Christianity. Kudos!

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Very well spoken. Big hugs, F

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TruthSeeker0, this letter was very touching and inspiring to me. You have a really nice way with words. I hope that if and when I break the news to my parents, I will word it at least half as eloquently and succinctly as you did. It must have taken a lot of courage to write and to send this letter. 

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5 minutes ago, superbrady said:

TruthSeeker0, this letter was very touching and inspiring to me. You have a really nice way with words. I hope that if and when I break the news to my parents, I will word it at least half as eloquently and succinctly as you did. It must have taken a lot of courage to write and to send this letter. 

Glad you found the letter, I just replied to your other comment. You will find the courage eventually. If this one helps in some small way with that, I'm glad :)

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Well done. You made a good decision not to provide details. Doing so would have just provided places for rebuttal. As written, you have stated your position and worded it in such a way that it's not open for debate. And you have concluded with an excellent statement on the problems of a Christian god and how that is different from what a true loving god should be.

 

Let us know what happens.

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I wish you the best of luck!

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Well done @TruthSeeker0 so proud of you. Keep us posted of developments and how you deal with them. This should be of great help to new deconverts.

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Congrats on your "coming out". The letter was beautifully done. We'll be here to support you as the parental reactions come in.

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Thank you everyone for the kind words and well wishes, it means a lot to have this community behind me, I don't really know what I would have done in the last year without you all. 

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Hello truth-seeker!

 

What a great job you did on your letter.  It moved me deeply to read it. I think you did the absolute right thing by staying away from all of the evidence that caused you to leave the faith. They would have just over- focused on trying to refute that either directly or in their own minds and that would have taken the focus off of your emotional experiences in the church and with Christian doctrine and your relationship with them. I admire your restraint because I'm certain that you sifted through a tremendous amount of reasons for and against the faith and you probably have a lot of reasons that are very important to you for why you don't believe.

 

It's uncommon for someone relatively early in the deconverting phase to have such wisdom and restraint.

 

I wish I had used a similar approach in coming out to my wife. I think for many of us we are just so desperate for those who are closest to us to understand what we understand - and to see what we see - so that we can be felt and known and seen for Who We Are and understood for why we stopped believing.  But it is extremely painful to accept that those closest to us who remain believers cannot understand how we got to where we are and we ultimately cannot received from them the understanding we wish we could.

 

Also I loved your statement that those of us who hold different beliefs do not deserve the emotional abuse of being threatened with Everlasting punishment.

 

And I was deeply moved by your correct observation that religious commitments override familial love.  How true and how sad.

 

I think you did it the best possible way. I wish that meant it still wouldn't be hard but I think you definitely chose the least painful path forward for you and your family and you are to be commended!

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8 hours ago, Insightful said:

 

 

And I was deeply moved by your correct observation that religious commitments override familial love.  How true and how sad.

 

 

Yes. Jesus in the gospels is represented as saying he will set members of families against each other.

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Your letter is powerful, TS. 

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11 hours ago, Insightful said:

Hello truth-seeker!

 

What a great job you did on your letter.  It moved me deeply to read it. I think you did the absolute right thing by staying away from all of the evidence that caused you to leave the faith. They would have just over- focused on trying to refute that either directly or in their own minds and that would have taken the focus off of your emotional experiences in the church and with Christian doctrine and your relationship with them. I admire your restraint because I'm certain that you sifted through a tremendous amount of reasons for and against the faith and you probably have a lot of reasons that are very important to you for why you don't believe.

 

It's uncommon for someone relatively early in the deconverting phase to have such wisdom and restraint.

 

I wish I had used a similar approach in coming out to my wife. I think for many of us we are just so desperate for those who are closest to us to understand what we understand - and to see what we see - so that we can be felt and known and seen for Who We Are and understood for why we stopped believing.  But it is extremely painful to accept that those closest to us who remain believers cannot understand how we got to where we are and we ultimately cannot received from them the understanding we wish we could.

I was tempted to provide all the reasons why I don't believe anymore because I wanted so much to be understood. But at the same time if I went there I knew it would only result in more pain for them and more frustration for me. Its enough that there's a whole community here that understands and a few close friends. And I'm not the first in my family to leave and I will get unconditional acceptance from the others that have left. Although it's painful, those make a great difference. 

11 hours ago, Insightful said:

 

Also I loved your statement that those of us who hold different beliefs do not deserve the emotional abuse of being threatened with Everlasting punishment.

 

And I was deeply moved by your correct observation that religious commitments override familial love.  How true and how sad.

I was challenged on this in reply. While I will still be accepted, the "bonds of love that exist only between believers" will not extend to me, and they know this. However, I chose not to push the issue any further because they can't see how much their beliefs affect how they treat others. 

11 hours ago, Insightful said:

I think you did it the best possible way. I wish that meant it still wouldn't be hard but I think you definitely chose the least painful path forward for you and your family and you are to be commended!

Thanks! I hope with time I can have a relationship with them although it will be different. 

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3 hours ago, ficino said:

Yes. Jesus in the gospels is represented as saying he will set members of families against each other.

I could have quoted those verses, they came to mind when I was challenged on my statement, but I chose not to because it would result in a Bible quote debate which won't go anywhere. 

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TS... Wow the time has come finally!

Good luck and I hope that you get some real peace in this area of your life. 

I truly wish you happy relations with your family once they get over the initial impact of it all. 

Youre awesome! 👍🏼

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7 hours ago, Jeff said:

TS... Wow the time has come finally!

Good luck and I hope that you get some real peace in this area of your life. 

I truly wish you happy relations with your family once they get over the initial impact of it all. 

Youre awesome! 👍🏼

Thanks for the good wishes!

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Well done.  I wish you the best of luck with your family. Hearing people like you come out gives me hope that I'll be there soon. Thanks.

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Thank yoiu for sharing this. I am struggling to find the words to explain to my parents what is happening with my beliefs. Your letter to your own parents has given me ideas on how to say it. I think I will write them a letter too, I think it might upset my Mom, to have a written letter rather than speak about it, but I often freeze in confrontation and can't explain myself very well. Do your parents live near you? Or did you write a letter just to explain everything easily rather than face-to-face explanation like me?

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15 minutes ago, redsnapper said:

Thank yoiu for sharing this. I am struggling to find the words to explain to my parents what is happening with my beliefs. Your letter to your own parents has given me ideas on how to say it. I think I will write them a letter too, I think it might upset my Mom, to have a written letter rather than speak about it, but I often freeze in confrontation and can't explain myself very well. Do your parents live near you? Or did you write a letter just to explain everything easily rather than face-to-face explanation like me?

No, they do not live near me, but if they did, it would have made no difference. I didn't want to be interrupted, and I wanted to have my say, and I have the same problem as you with not being able to think on my feet properly in emotionally charged situations. As well, sending a letter to them gives them time to digest what is being said properly, and they can return to it if they need to. The shock value is high here, and when people are in shock, they dont even easily realize or digest what is being said.

I posted this in hopes it would help some others so I"m glad if it has helped you somewhat.

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On 10/03/2018 at 11:44 AM, TruthSeeker0 said:

Over the last few months I have been gathering my thoughts together, as I knew the time was approaching when I would have to break the news about my non-belief to my parents. I wish there would have been another choice, but I come from a very fundamentalist background and it's impossible to live a free life when you are questioned about when you're coming to church, or when you've last been there, or why you moved away from the community.

 

Here it is, I'd like to attach it for anybody interested, in hopes that it might help somebody else who is contemplating the same thing. The letter has been sent, and although I have yet to deal with the reactions, I feel a great deal more free than I did living a pretense for my family.

Dear mom and dad2.docx

I don't think I can read docx files on my phone without a app or something. But I downloaded it and will keep it as a mental memo of all that is wrong with Christianity.

 

I'll say this though, coming out as a non believer these days is like coming out as a homosexual, it's fucking stupid in comparison. What I'm saying is that it show's how touchy this religion makes people. All because they don't want to lose you to a invisible fire pit that exists purely in their minds.

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On 16/04/2018 at 8:15 PM, theanticrash said:

I don't think I can read docx files on my phone without a app or something. But I downloaded it and will keep it as a mental memo of all that is wrong with Christianity.

 

I'll say this though, coming out as a non believer these days is like coming out as a homosexual, it's fucking stupid in comparison. What I'm saying is that it show's how touchy this religion makes people. All because they don't want to lose you to a invisible fire pit that exists purely in their minds.

I was once one of them. Its hard to sit back and watch them do what they do to themselves with their beliefs. And it's futile to try convince them otherwise. The best approach is simply appreciation that I was able to escape. 

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10 minutes ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

I was once one of them. Its hard to sit back and watch them do what they do to themselves with their beliefs. And it's futile to try convince them otherwise. The best approach is simply appreciation that I was able to escape. 

At least you know they're not going to hell for what you believe.

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21 hours ago, theanticrash said:

At least you know they're not going to hell for what you believe.

That is largely what pushed me to question when I was a fundamentalist, I believed people close to me were going to hell.

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4 minutes ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

That is largely what pushed me to question when I was a fundamentalist, I believed people close to me were going to hell.

But not now though, even if your parents were evil bastards who beat you, you'd not think they deserved an eternity of hell.

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