Old topic, new casualty

[Karna]

Hello folks!

I chanced upon this forum recently and have been ardently reading through it. I have liked the content so far but I never thought I would be on one of these forums. I think it is just super bad luck. I mostly know what you all will tell me but I wanted to hear that from you all over again nevertheless. I am in a really bad shape right now and I need your help.

I am a 35 year old liberal Hindu guy. I do kind of believe in God but I am not super big into it. I met this 33 year old woman on an online dating app about 7 months ago. We hit if off from the get go. We went on super fun dates and we just clicked together like I never have before with anybody else. We became exclusive in a months’ time and we were just inseparable. If I remember correctly, she did mention in passing that her being a Christian could be a problem. But we never really got down to talking about it (my mistake). We started getting closer and closer (no sex though) and she took me to visit her family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her entire family loves me (from her little neice/nephew to both sets of grandparents). And I had a lot of fun. The question of religion never came up. We also travelled for one of her friend’s wedding and her friends liked me too (so did my friends liked her). Everyone was of the opinion that we were great for each other.

She asked me if I would go to the church with her and I was ok with it. I grew up in a Catholic school, I have volunteered for older people at churches, I have normal Christian friends. So it did not feel any strange. For me worship is worship. The place to pray does not matter. I too invited her to the temple which she accepted. Everything was going great. But her passing comment on religion was bothering me and I wanted to bring that up and resolve. I had been researching a lot on the internet about interfaith marriages and children and wanted to share this with her. But never found the right time to do it.

One day I did talk about it and she started getting emotional. I showed her some articles and asked her to think about it. I told her we could make this work if we wanted to. That was the last normal week we ever had. The next week I went to church with her I could feel some kind of tension between her friend and me. But I overlooked it. Later that day we had another emotional exchange where I told her I would support her completely to follow her faith. But I would draw the line at conversion – I cannot convert to Christianity or any other religion as I am happy being a Hindu. She almost broke up with me that day. But we talked the next day and tried to work through this. That’s when she started talking about how Christianity was only the One Truth and how other religions were fake. Or how Jesus was the only Savior and all other Gods were fake. And that she wanted to share her faith with her partner. I said that was fine. I was shocked. I tried to explain to her that God is one and listens to prayers regardless of where or how you pray. And moreover it is the character, and actions that count more than praying and reading scripture. But she would not really buy into it. She went and took counsel from her Church pastor (dumb move) and said her pastor/church friends also does not support this relationship.

We did have a few fun times that week until Sunday when I went to church with her and she went for brunch after with her church friend. Later that day she broke up with me.

She was the ideal girl for me. I am dying from this break up. I have had 3-4 breakups before this one but this was the most special one and it hurts on a different level altogether. This was her first real relationship. So I presume she must be devastated as well. We had a lot of future plans. I even told her that if we had kids she could raise the kids in her faith. But my praying to a God that was different from her idea of a God put a wedge between us.

[SerenelyBlue]

I am sorry to hear about your pain...

 

[buffettphan]

 

18 minutes ago, Karna said:

She was the ideal girl for me.

 

I am truly sorry for the heartache you are going through.   But being able to observe your situation from an outside objective vantage point, no, she was not the ideal girl for you.  You dodged a bullet.

Perhaps some day if she lightens up on her christianity, your relationship could work out.  Right now her primary relationship is with her imaginary friend, not you.   With that, you'd be in for a lifetime of hurt.    Again, I am sorry.   

 

Welcome to Ex-C.  What a way to become part of our community, right?    I found Ex-C more than a dozen years ago by searching "atheist married to a fundamentalist christian" so I know a little of how you feel.  (Or perhaps I'm projecting a little too much!    ) There are quite a few of us in the "unequally yoked club" so please know that we are here for you.  ((hugs))

[Karna]

19 minutes ago, buffettphan said:

 

 

I am truly sorry for the heartache you are going through.   But being able to observe your situation from an outside objective vantage point, no, she was not the ideal girl for you.  You dodged a bullet.

Perhaps some day if she lightens up on her christianity, your relationship could work out.  Right now her primary relationship is with her imaginary friend, not you.   With that, you'd be in for a lifetime of hurt.    Again, I am sorry.   

 

Welcome to Ex-C.  What a way to become part of our community, right?    I found Ex-C more than a dozen years ago by searching "atheist married to a fundamentalist christian" so I know a little of how you feel.  (Or perhaps I'm projecting a little too much!    ) There are quite a few of us in the "unequally yoked club" so please know that we are here for you.  ((hugs))

Thank you for your kind words. She wants to meet up tomorrow. Mostly to justify her decision to break up. 

I agree with you that it could have worked if she lightened up on her religion. And I was so tempted to send her a link to this website. But that would have totally backfired and so I did not.

 

Although I am going to give her a note with my thoughts implying how her fundy attitude maybe hurting her. Hopefully it might crank some wheels in her brain and in a few years' time she will be normal and have a normal life.

 

Somewhere at the back of mind, though, I feel I was a victim of missionary dating. And hence I feel used and terribly crappy.

 

Thank you again for this forum. It is a big support, just going through other topics on the forum.

[ToHellWithMe]

22 minutes ago, Karna said:

Although I am going to give her a note with my thoughts implying how her fundy attitude maybe hurting her. Hopefully it might crank some wheels in her brain and in a few years' time she will be normal and have a normal life.

 

Maybe, or maybe you'll just make her defensive and resentful, ruining any further chances with her. Not to imply that it would be healthy to assume there is necessarily any chance either way.

 

I'd just keep the bitter and blaming feelings to myself and only express sadness to the girl. But that's me.

[Stamps1962]

I loved the term 'Missionary Dating' as used above. 

I grew up Fundie and de-converted in my twenties and for most of my remaining twenties up to my early forties I kept running into these creepy women. I use that term deliberately. How else to refer to someone who pulls you in then hurts you horribly by dumping you for not being in conformity with their set of beliefs? Looking back I think most of them (there were about 5-6) failed to attract a partner in their own subculture so were trolling for someone to indoctrinate. Maybe thy thought it'd make them 'closer' to the partner.  God, were most of them good at it, real pros. The OP is better off w/o her but right now he's not feeling like it, that's understandable. 

[sdelsolray]

5 hours ago, Karna said:

Thank you for your kind words. She wants to meet up tomorrow. Mostly to justify her decision to break up. 

I agree with you that it could have worked if she lightened up on her religion. And I was so tempted to send her a link to this website. But that would have totally backfired and so I did not.

 

Although I am going to give her a note with my thoughts implying how her fundy attitude maybe hurting her. Hopefully it might crank some wheels in her brain and in a few years' time she will be normal and have a normal life.

 

Somewhere at the back of mind, though, I feel I was a victim of missionary dating. And hence I feel used and terribly crappy.

 

Thank you again for this forum. It is a big support, just going through other topics on the forum.

 

I suggest a different strategy, one that accedes to her professed beliefs, allows you to be honest and puts the issue back in her lap (where it belongs).

 

Perhaps it's best to simply give an example of what you might write to her:

 

"Thanks for being so honest with me.  I realize your religious faith is of paramount importance to you, that you believe you should only associate with others with near identical beliefs and that any future husband must believe and behave as your do.  Perhaps you will find someone who will meet your needs and requirements.  Keep looking.  Live long and prosper."

[Karna]

2 hours ago, sdelsolray said:

 

I suggest a different strategy, one that accedes to her professed beliefs, allows you to be honest and puts the issue back in her lap (where it belongs).

 

Perhaps it's best to simply give an example of what you might write to her:

 

"Thanks for being so honest with me.  I realize your religious faith is of paramount importance to you, that you believe you should only associate with others with near identical beliefs and that any future husband must believe and behave as your do.  Perhaps you will find someone who will meet your needs and requirements.  Keep looking.  Live long and prosper."

Thanks sdelsolray. I am using your example verbatim in addition to my long-ass note.

I may probably cringe after I give her the note. But I don't care!

[LogicalFallacy]

Hi Karna

 

Welcome to Ex-C. I'm sorry to hear of your dating woes.

 

21 hours ago, Karna said:

If I remember correctly, she did mention in passing that her being a Christian could be a problem. But we never really got down to talking about it (my mistake).

 

For me I stay away from dating anyone with religion, especially one of the Abrahamic ones. It's just not worth the hassle of trying to build a relationship with someone that ultimately thinks you must believe as they do or you are going to hell. It's too late for this one, but perhaps finding out a potential partners religious views first may prevent a situation where you build an connection and hope only to have it dashed? You might go on less dates, but at least you know you don't have a major conflicting value problem.

 

Best of luck

 

LF

[Guest]

Hello, I have to say I think you dodged a bullet with this one. It could be that she set out with the goal of converting you, or had hopes that you would come around to her way of thinking. Why else would she not have brought up the topic of religion, since it's so important to her? In regards to a potential partner, I wouldn't consider a Christian (therefore it would be first question I have for them to answer), and exactly for all the reasons that you have explained in this post. Some people would say that's a little intolerant, but would you be able to have the most important person in your life thinking that you're going to hell, or that your beliefs are wrong, and theirs are superior and the only correct ones? And what about if or when you had kids? Would you be able to tolerate your own children being raised in these beliefs as well? There is no true equality in such a relationship, when one partner believes their worldview is superior.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

Dear Karna,

      Unfortunately I have been on both sides of the fence on this topic. I was once with a woman who was Seventh Day Adventist when I was a Fundy Baptist. To say the least there were many things in her religion that didn't match up with what I was taught in my own religion. I began to tell her how her religion was wrong and mine was the only way to go. I was wrong for that. I shouldn't have done that. There are many things I wish I hadn't said to her. But I was sucked into my own religion and couldn't see around the blinders that were placed around my eyes. I thought I was doing the "right" thing standing up for what I believed God stood for. 

     Now on the other end of the spectrum I no longer believe and my wife does. This has caused a lot of problems in the past year but we are working through all of it fairly well for now. I love her dearly so I really hope we can look past those differences and just focus on the relationship. So far, So good. 

     The best thing for you is to find someone who supports you in your beliefs whether the person is Hindu or not. Atleast you lost her now and not years from now after trying to get past your differences and failing. I wish the best for you and your search for love. Good luck friend.

 

Dark Bishop

[Mothernature]

I'm sorry for your loss. I too think you dodged a bullet. It may hurt now but would only be worse if discovered later in your relationship. I'm in the throws of it now and it is complicated once kids are involved. Growing up I thought it was ridiculous that people had been told to marry one of their own but I see things from a different view now. If she is a liberal christian it could work, but a fundy or someone who is that devout does not have room for compromise. Things will only get worse. Sorry. I hope you can work through your situation. All the best.

[Joshpantera]

Quote

I may probably cringe after I give her the note. But I don't care!

 

If you don't care, then you have nothing to loose. 

 

Throw her a link to this forum. Challenge her to get her pastor involved, bring him too. 

 

Then observe what happens going forward if they bring us claims like christianity is the only true religion, it's god the only real god. Maybe it would do her some good to see what happens to her pastor if he sets foot into this domain. It could be a potential learning curve...

 

[Karna]

1 hour ago, Joshpantera said:

 

If you don't care, then you have nothing to loose. 

 

Throw her a link to this forum. Challenge her to get her pastor involved, bring him too. 

 

Then observe what happens going forward if they bring us claims like christianity is the only true religion, it's god the only real god. Maybe it would do her some good to see what happens to her pastor if he sets foot into this domain. It could be a potential learning curve...

 

Thanks. Sending her a link to this forum would be like asking an amateur swimmer to swim in the ocean. 

 

I played it gentle and wrote that she needs to look up Marcus Borg, John Shore (Patheos)...these are some sane xtians out there. And also look up Pluralism Sunday (some churches promoting other religions to create awareness).

 

And I also gave her a copy of the book 'Saffron Cross'.

[RachelSkates]

God has fucked every relationship I had except one. That one fucked itself. But seriously, the ones "HE puts together" are the worse. 

I am also reeling from something like that, but it was more getting led on. I used to be Christian Predators' Dream. All they had to do was pray with me or mention Jesus and I was completely trusting and vulnerable. Now? Forget it. I am a hermit. 

[RachelSkates]

13 hours ago, Mothernature said:

I'm sorry for your loss. I too think you dodged a bullet. It may hurt now but would only be worse if discovered later in your relationship. I'm in the throws of it now and it is complicated once kids are involved. Growing up I thought it was ridiculous that people had been told to marry one of their own but I see things from a different view now. If she is a liberal christian it could work, but a fundy or someone who is that devout does not have room for compromise. Things will only get worse. Sorry. I hope you can work through your situation. All the best.

I agree! Dodging the bullet still hurts like a bitch. I dodged one recently, but man it still hurts. But wow, that bullet hurts more, because I have been hit directly in the past. Never recvoered. 

[Bhim]

Hi Karna. Excellent choice of user name. I highly doubt you and I will take the same course as the original Karna and Bhima.

 

We're in a similar demographic, since I'm a 33 year old conservative Hindu guy, who like you isn't convinced that Bhagavan exists. I've never dated a Christian, which is surprising because I was one for six years.

 

I understand you feel badly about this, and I don't know whether this woman would have been a good or bad choice of partner for you. But I applaud you for not converting to Christianity. Converting was one of the most serious mistakes I made in my life, and I wholeheartedly wish I had never done so. Our religion is much more than mere theism, and is something worth retaining against the onslaught of Christian proselytism. If you'd like to discuss my experience further, I'm happy to do so either publicly or privately.

[Karna]

On Saturday, March 24, 2018 at 10:55 AM, Bhim said:

Hi Karna. Excellent choice of user name. I highly doubt you and I will take the same course as the original Karna and Bhima.

 

We're in a similar demographic, since I'm a 33 year old conservative Hindu guy, who like you isn't convinced that Bhagavan exists. I've never dated a Christian, which is surprising because I was one for six years.

 

I understand you feel badly about this, and I don't know whether this woman would have been a good or bad choice of partner for you. But I applaud you for not converting to Christianity. Converting was one of the most serious mistakes I made in my life, and I wholeheartedly wish I had never done so. Our religion is much more than mere theism, and is something worth retaining against the onslaught of Christian proselytism. If you'd like to discuss my experience further, I'm happy to do so either publicly or privately.

I just saw this.

Please send me your email if it's okay.

[Karna]

So...here is an update.

I gave her the note and a few days later I started feeling that the note was unwarranted. It also probably had some nastiness in it!

 

Couple weeks later I asked to meet her and she met me. I spoke at length to her and expressed my desire to work this out for we had a beautiful thing going on until the heartbreak God came between us.

 

She also had been missing me but had given up on the idea that I will contact her. She said we could try to resolve this.

I know I am playing with fire and am mostly bound for another heartbreak. This would be a first for me if it happens - getting my heartbroken twice by the same girl!

 

But the heart wants what is wants.

 

Wish me luck guys. And pray that I recover from my impending second breakup the same time I recover from my ongoing breakup!

[pratt]

if she remains christian, nothing good will come out of this relationship

[sdelsolray]

6 hours ago, Karna said:

So...here is an update.

I gave her the note and a few days later I started feeling that the note was unwarranted. It also probably had some nastiness in it!

 

Couple weeks later I asked to meet her and she met me. I spoke at length to her and expressed my desire to work this out for we had a beautiful thing going on until the heartbreak God came between us.

 

She also had been missing me but had given up on the idea that I will contact her. She said we could try to resolve this.

I know I am playing with fire and am mostly bound for another heartbreak. This would be a first for me if it happens - getting my heartbroken twice by the same girl!

 

But the heart wants what is wants.

 

Wish me luck guys. And pray that I recover from my impending second breakup the same time I recover from my ongoing breakup!

 

Chasing endorphins can be wonderful and/or harmful.  I'm glad you already realize this.  Hopefully, you'll get laid this time around.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

yeah hopefully you literally get fucked before you metaphorically get fucked. Good luck bud. 

 

DB

[Wertbag]

My uncle was an atheist and he married a christian. At first they agreed to leave each to their own and basically avoid the subject. That worked for a couple of years until children entered the picture. She wanted them sent to christian schools while he preferred public, she wanted them to go to church but he wanted the kids to choose, she wanted to tithe while he thought they were too poor to give money away.  

Their values didn't match and slowly everything became a battle. For a relationship to work long term you must have values in common.

[knightcore]

On 4/6/2018 at 3:17 PM, Karna said:

So...here is an update.

I gave her the note and a few days later I started feeling that the note was unwarranted. It also probably had some nastiness in it!

 

Couple weeks later I asked to meet her and she met me. I spoke at length to her and expressed my desire to work this out for we had a beautiful thing going on until the heartbreak God came between us.

 

She also had been missing me but had given up on the idea that I will contact her. She said we could try to resolve this.

I know I am playing with fire and am mostly bound for another heartbreak. This would be a first for me if it happens - getting my heartbroken twice by the same girl!

 

But the heart wants what is wants.

 

Wish me luck guys. And pray that I recover from my impending second breakup the same time I recover from my ongoing breakup!

 

Good luck, but keep these kinds of conversations going. Don't dip out because they're painful. If you guys really are going to succeed you both need to be open about alllll of this. Otherwise you're just going to wind up back at this point. Also be prepared for pushback from her friends and church.

[Guest]

I thought of this thread when this video was shared in the chatroom, so I'm posting it here as food for thought. Values and priorities are important.