Absurd things you still do

[RachelSkates]

I find no comfort in life. SInce I realized the truth, I am very close to suicide. It was the only thing that kept me going because The Monster made me disabled. So now, there is no hope and no reason.

So I still do the things that brought me comfort. I hated the music, but it made me feel comfort. I still listen to a lot of Jeremy Camp because it brings my mind back into that place I need in order not to cut my throat.  Do you all do things like this just to stay alive????

 

 

[Storm]

Rachel

I am truly saddened that you are struggling with life right now. I wondered if things were not well with you after seeing your post on the "Supporting Friend through Bereavement" thread. I understand how you feel, as do many others on this forum. Leaving Christianity is difficult and it can be very lonely being different in this world. But I can also say that it is good to be free from the constraints of religion.

 

Music definitely also soothes and is often emotionally driven. If you find comfort in listening to Jeremy Camp, that is ok. Its your life and you are able and free to do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

I am not going to pretend I have the answers to your issues, but I would like to encourage you to find a counselor and talk with them about the feelings that you are having. I strongly recommend talking with someone who isn't a believer, as they will not help you in the way that you need.

 

Your life has whatever meaning you want to ascribe to it, but even though I don't really know you, I want you to know that you matter to me. Depression is tough and it certainly has the capacity to disable even the strongest people. Please find help and do whatever you can to find joy in life. It is there, I promise.

[disillusioned]

No Jeremy Camp for me, but I do still listen to (and enjoy...) some Christian music.

 

Sorry to hear that you're still struggling. Please try to get some help if you need it. Try to take joy from whatever you can. I hope you can find some peace.

[RachelSkates]

On 3/21/2018 at 3:03 PM, TrueScotsman said:

If you are struggling with suicide daily, please regularly meet with a psychological professional for help as these thoughts are not a normal result of losing your faith but a result of your struggles with mental illness.  There are plenty of reasons to have hope, but they aren't the kind that religion gives you, and it may be that the thoughts in your head now are just as delusional as when you were religious.  Recognize that they are there, but don't treat these cogntive events as having ultimate reality, you may find later on once you have overcome what feels now to be impossible that such ideas were not rational at all but borne from your illness.  You need more than comfort from a song, your brain is a physiological organ which needs to be treated by a medical professional, I hope you realize the gift that is this life which we happen to find ourselves in and seek out the assistance you need in order to address these troubling thoughts.  I too have struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, but it is important you not fully embrace that as your identity, it is a mental delusion which can rob you of your future even more so than religious delusions.  Don't give up fighting for your life, seek a more healthy way to interact with the world and with your thoughts that highlights truly what is real and what isn't.

I live in the US. I do not have any mental health insurance. I tried for over a year and got 5 sessions with a pro bono therapists. When it came to meds, even she could not find me a psychiatrists. There is literally NO mental health care when you have no mental health insurance in US. Parity was a joke. 

[hockeyfan70]

I hope you get the help you desperately need. I have those thoughts at times - my wife and I are recently separated and she took my daughter to live with her half an hour away - and feel somewhat lonely at times. But I have a good humanist community that meets every other Sunday for dinner, and I am slowly sharing with some of my friends the things I face on a daily basis. I would definitely suggest finding some likeminded people and become connected with them.

[Robbie67]

On ‎23‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 2:37 PM, RachelSkates said:

I live in the US. I do not have any mental health insurance. I tried for over a year and got 5 sessions with a pro bono therapists. When it came to meds, even she could not find me a psychiatrists. There is literally NO mental health care when you have no mental health insurance in US. Parity was a joke. 

I'm sorry you cannot get any kind of therapy, Rachel. It took a fair bit of counselling to overcome the low self esteem I had left over from not just bullying in church, but from my brother too. If the music you listened to in church helps then you should listen to it, I have rediscovered CDs I enjoyed as I left and adjusted, but was talked out of at the time. They have a different meaning when you are in a different mind set, but that takes years to adjust. 

I hope you'll eventually find the support you need. 

[RachelSkates]

Thank you guys for the many solutions. It's so hard to live the life I have to live because it's a poor, disabled life in a town with a mine in my backyard, so 600 trucks blasting through every day and cant sell because house value went from like 80 grand to 20. So it's one of those things where you grind through every day. I have to leave the house to get away form the trucks, but my disability makes it hard to leave the house. I have hope of one day moving and that will be the moment I can start to heal. the beds shake and dishes rattle and the deilsel fumes are in the house and the whole life is getting an air pufier, wearing anew mask, battling the disabilty, looking for housing in a country that has none for people ike me, wondering why this happened to me and on it goes. On top of the memories of trauma. I can't even meditate because the trucks rattle so!!! And the fumes, omg the fumes............Where can peace be found? no t   here

[Margee]

2 hours ago, RachelSkates said:

Thank you guys for the many solutions. It's so hard to live the life I have to live because it's a poor, disabled life in a town with a mine in my backyard, so 600 trucks blasting through every day and cant sell because house value went from like 80 grand to 20. So it's one of those things where you grind through every day. I have to leave the house to get away form the trucks, but my disability makes it hard to leave the house. I have hope of one day moving and that will be the moment I can start to heal. the beds shake and dishes rattle and the deilsel fumes are in the house and the whole life is getting an air pufier, wearing anew mask, battling the disabilty, looking for housing in a country that has none for people ike me, wondering why this happened to me and on it goes. On top of the memories of trauma. I can't even meditate because the trucks rattle so!!! And the fumes, omg the fumes............Where can peace be found? no t   here

8

I wish I could reach through the screen of my computer and wave a magic wand to help you out hon. Can you up and leave this town and start over somewhere else? Can you rent your house to someone else for a year or two ? Just that alone would at least start to give you some daily peace? Keep posting. There is always hope. We just have to find it. You need to find something to give you some hope.....even if it's just Ex-c for now. How bad is your disability if you don't mind talking about it?

 

Big ((hug))

[RachelSkates]

18 hours ago, Margee said:

I wish I could reach through the screen of my computer and wave a magic wand to help you out hon. Can you up and leave this town and start over somewhere else? Can you rent your house to someone else for a year or two ? Just that alone would at least start to give you some daily peace? Keep posting. There is always hope. We just have to find it. You need to find something to give you some hope.....even if it's just Ex-c for now. How bad is your disability if you don't mind talking about it?

 

Big ((hug))

 

THank you for that. The dis is bad and takes a lot of effort to manage it. So upand leaving is out. I am filled with rage that I was made this way and double rage because my parents left me to die like this. I left the house once and it took all I had. I had a friend who helped me but they moved. I was BEGGING with tears for them to sell, before the mine got bigger because I had the aquiisiton plan and saw it would be there for 50 years. I told them and begged with more tears than I ever had. Day after day and they just kept that goofy CHristian thing going.....Do you think the Lord will forsake you?? All that. And nothing. My dad just reads all day and my mom sleeps. Now they are threateoing to call the police beause now, after having to be forced beack into the SAME SITUAITON AND WORSE I am in hysteria. They think there is help but there is none and God won't help so they blame me. My dad calls me vile and my mom mocks me and says 600 trrucks don't matter because "You were ALREADY disabled! " As if it could not get worse. When they jmade me marry a man twice my age, they said the same thing  after he beat the shit out of me "But you were ALREADY disabled!!! That can't make it worse!'

They have this idea that because I was born disabled, it does not matter if I get rapes, kicked, beaten, homeless.....lilek I was their throw away child. 

 

I knew I was doomed and tried to kill myself at 15. They were all into trying to save my life at that time. But every year since that, they have shown me utter contempt. 

 

Once every blue moon, IF I AM GOOD AND PRAY WITH THEM and worship their monster and tow the line, they might say htye love me and they know I live htem. But one mess up, and it's all YOU WERE ALREADY SICK!!!!! YOU ARE VILE!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!!!! SATAN WILL HELP yoU!!!!!! 

 

Now, I do hate them. I didn't up till now, but leaving me here to deal with this? I hate them. 

[pantheory]

On 3/21/2018 at 5:56 AM, RachelSkates said:

I find no comfort in life. Since I realized the truth, I am very close to suicide. It was the only thing that kept me going because The Monster made me disabled. So now, there is no hope and no reason.

So I still do the things that brought me comfort. I hated the music, but it made me feel comfort. I still listen to a lot of Jeremy Camp because it brings my mind back into that place I need in order not to cut my throat.  Do you all do things like this just to stay alive????

 

Hi Rachel,

 

After religion you can make your own way. You are your own guide through life. There is no ultimate perspective of reality out there. Science can explain a lot but not how you should think. The way we perceive things is our own perspective of reality. If you can change your perspective of who and what you are, as well as your perspective of others and your environment, then you can change "your reality."  From what you have said it would seem that from your point of view your life is not too good. Many people who become depressed find there way out by trying to help others which makes one feel more valuable. In the process of helping others you will be able to give good advice, sometimes advice that could also be good for you. When you spend time thinking of others, you will likely find that there will be less time for you to worry and think negative thoughts.

 

Because you no longer have religion does not mean that you have to give up related things you once enjoyed. As others here have said, Christian music can be enjoyed whether you believe or not. I sometimes go to church to sing the songs and socialize with friendly people, not necessarily people I once knew.

 

You know what things outside religion you once enjoyed, so you might find the same or similar things to do again. You are now in control of your own life and have the ability to make your own happiness better than anyone else can. If you are more involved in the well being of others, you might expect to find a shorter path to your own happiness. All the best.