Advice from the unequally yoked club

[Guest Ann]

I've recently started dating an old college flame. To me, he's always been "the one that got away."  Anyway, he is a christian. He's not a fundy...drinking, dancing, pretty much everything secular is ok.... so is fornication...ya gotta pick your spots when you're a christian (apologies for TMI) He's more into the church for the social connections and pretty much lives his life as a non-christian would except church on Sunday and "breakfast club" with some church men. He also seems open to criticisms of church doctrine. Once we were talking about something (can't remember exactly what) and he became judgemental about someone "sinning." I reminded him he was currently fornicating and "what's the difference"? He just said, "I know" and gave me that sheepish boy smile men tend to do when "caught" and don't want to admit fault. He also knows I'm an atheist now (when we fist dated we were both a part of the same youth group) and was very clear about that one on the first date.... he said he's not bothered by it and wanted to pursue a relationship with me, not me and god.

 

My question to the members who have first hand experience with being in a relationship with a christian. Is it possible to have a healthy, good relationship with a christian? For now we have some sort of "don't ask, don't tell" truce on both sides. I worry I'm kidding myself but am super excited to be in a relationship with a good, kind, decent man as in my past I tended to chose assholes. Advice?

 

 

[mwc]

     If I were at step 1 all over again and things were in the "unequally yoked" department I would probably shy away from such a relationship.  But we all know there are a zillion xians out there and they all have their own definition of what that means.  It may be too early to really know what type he is.  Maybe he's not so bad but maybe he's saying what he thinks he needs to say to make this relationship move forward and you'll see the real xian unfold over time as people tend to reveal their true selves as things progress.  It's so hard to say.

 

     At this point I'd say have some fun and get yourself some while the gettin's good.   I'd be cautious and watch for any red flags on the religion front that might show he's covering up a nasty surprise.  Keep in mind that "don't ask, don't tell" isn't really a plan for a great long-term relationship though and if you're already resorting to such policies that might not be a good sign of things to come.

 

          mwc

 

[TABA]

Hi Ann,

 

When you get back with ‘the one that got away’, my attitude would generally be ‘don’t let him get away again’.  He sounds like a good guy and somebody you could share your life with.  But before going any further, are you guys young enough to be having kids together?  That’s the biggie.  I’ve seen a lot of guys like him live ‘lives of sin’ (meaning that they’re normal healthy red-blooded men) but then turn around and become Full Christian when they have kids.  Maybe it’s for the benefit of community, or maybe they think they can’t raise good kids without religion.  Even people who never darken the doors of a church become religious when kids come along.  And this guy is already going to church and fellowshipping with ‘godly men’ who are likely to influence him in the wrong direction.  Surely you wouldn’t want kids of yours to be indoctrinated into Christianity.  So I personally don’t think I could have kids with somebody with even his level of religiosity.  Taking young kids to church would be out of the question.

 

On the other hand, a guy like this could also go the other way, with some luck and if you don’t inadvertently push him toward Christianity.  Christians like him experience pretty high levels of cognitive dissonance, enjoying certain sins but also feeling some level of guilt, believing but also seeing some of the more obvious problems with Christianity.  Many of us here used to be that guy, and now look at us!

 

So I’m inclined to advise you to wait and see.  I would give serious thought to the implications of having kids with a believer.    I’d strongly advise against marrying or having kids with him if he’s still going to church at that point.  On the other hand, if you can show him - by example - the benefits of living free of religious dogma - and if he could bring himself to let go of Christianity and the cognitive dissonance, maybe you can one day introduce him to us as a new member of Ex-C!  I think it’s worth a shot.  

 

Let know how it goes...

[TABA]

12 minutes ago, Ann said:

 I was really hoping for some kind of example from a member here that is with a christian and has a good relationship despite that fact. Again, maybe I'm just kidding myself.

 

Well I can talk about that too... 

 

I deconverted within the past five years.  Around the same time we left the fundamentalist church and started going to a Catholic church, which we still do and which I actually like in a way, even though I have zero belief in the theology.  While my wife was never hardcore fundamentalist (neither was I) and is even open to questioning some aspects of Christianity, and even though our relationship is strong and we are each other’s best friend, there is always the feeling of walking a tightrope.  On the one hand I think she loves me more than she loves Jesus (and I’m definitely better in bed ) and things are really good now, but I have this fear that if we were faced with some major crisis, like a terminal illness, then my lack of belief in God or in the afterlife could become a big source of sorrow for her.  

 

If if it was just me and her, I think she would likely get less religious over time , but she goes to a Christian ladies group and a Christian-leaning book club and I worry about the pull she might feel from those quarters.  I just try to be the best husband, friend and lover that I can be.  Right now things are good. 

 

I hope you’ll hear from other unequally-yoked ex-Christians. There seems to be a wide variety of experiences in that respect. 

[RealityCheck]

I see nothing wrong with dating a Christian like the one you describe.  Hell, there are plenty of Christian women I know like this that I would date in a heartbeat.  It's just a matter of overcoming the annoying irrational holdovers from faith that will occasionally pop up.  If the person has sufficient positive traits then it's worth it.

However, from an experience that I had a few years ago, I must warn you.  As long as the God virus is implanted in this person's brain, there will always be that risk of a sudden "revival" or "recommitment to God".  If this happens then they'll likely break it off with you.  

[TABA]

1 minute ago, RealityCheck said:

I see nothing wrong with dating a Christian like the one you describe.  Hell, there are plenty of Christian women I know who barely fit the definition and I would date in a heartbeat.  It's just a matter of overcoming the annoying irrational holdovers from faith that will occasionally pop up.  If the person has sufficient positive traits then it's worth it.

However, from an experience that I had a few years ago, I must warn you.  As long as the God virus is implanted in this person's brain, there will always be that risk of a sudden "revival" or "recommitment to God".  If this happens then they'll likely break it off with you.  

 

Ann, I endorse every word RealityCheck wrote. Both the encouragement and the caveat.  I still encourage you to continue and see how it goes. 

[RealityCheck]

4 minutes ago, Ann said:

Good point and not something I've considered....Thank you. It's always good to go into a relationship with "eyes wide open." Shit, I hope I'm not back on a new thread crying my eyes out in the future. Always some sort of shitty risk involved....Hmmmm.

 All relationships have some shitty risk involved.  I don't really take myself too seriously anymore but rather enjoy them while they're exist and enjoy the single life when they don't.  I also see you're from Belgium.  I'm going to guess that Christianity there isn't as strict.  Here in the US, every Church that I've been to has an aggressive altar call driving people to recommit their lives to God.  This is why I had my bad experience to an otherwise positive relationship (albeit brief) relationship with a Christian woman back in 2013.

[RealityCheck]

1 minute ago, Ann said:

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a christian relationship. It would be stupid of me to think the same could not happen.

It's alright.  It wasn't like I was particularly devastated or anything, it was more of a WTF type of event. 

[Orbit]

I'm going to give advice from the reverse perspective and say it depends on what kind of a Christian he is. For 8 years I was a liberal xtian in a relationship with an atheist. I wasn't a regular churchgoer, though and never considered it to be a problem. I had a kind of "it's his thing, whatever" attitude about it. What worries me about your guy is that he IS a churchgoer, which implies a larger level to commitment to the religion. I would echo some advice given here and say introduce him to this site and see what his reaction is. I'm glad kids aren't in the future. So on the plus side, it is possible to have a "unequally yoked" relationship, but I think it's rare. It's only a matter of time until those church guys start pressuring him to bring his girlfriend to church, and that's how it starts (ends). Good look whatever you decide.

[Ellinas]

I long for the day when religion is a purely personal matter, not to be rammed down someone else's throat, and when a Christian could hop into bed with a pagan and no issues arise.

We're a long way from that.

I'm married to a Christian fundy woman.  Less fundy, more common sensical than many acquaintances, and occasionally quite rebellious.  But that is all rather inconsistent.  She can say things today that make me wonder if she's about to throw over the whole shebang, and things tomorrow that hint she's after me to get back to my previous involvement in the church.

I was married to her before any issue arose.  She would not have looked at me had I not been a Christian at the time.  But, frankly, I would be very careful, were I single, of chasing the churchgoer.  Christianity and tolerance are rarely hand in hand, and even more rarely so for any length of time.

But, that's me.  You must judge for yourself.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

2 hours ago, Ann said:

The church he goes to is a bit fundy

 

That was my first question, because if he were part of a "high church" that doesn't really take things literally, his chances of going fundy would be small. But having been part of the fundy crowd, I've seen some fairly innocuous things cause many flip into full hard-on for Jesus. Something can appeal to an emotion that hits deep and boom, a person can't question because it feels so real at that moment despite being utter malarkey. So, mostly just reiterating what others have said.

[MOHO]

Mrs. MOHO was quite the liberal xtian when we met and we began having sex about 3 weeks into it.

We had a glass of grape juice almost nightly.

We danced 3 X week and even had a floating dance floor built into the living room.

 

Fast forward 10 years and she's the screaming 'est fundy one could imagine.

People change but going into it with philosophical differences is not advisable from this dime-store-cowboy's point of view. 

 

As for my lack of judgement I saw no reason not to date/marry someone who goes to church once/month...I was wrong.

[Mothernature]

Hi, my caution is just with having kids. Opinions become stronger and the drive to instil their faith in their children seems to be greater. Since you are past that stage, then I'd say see how it goes but be prepared for the relationship to change. My husband was Catholic and a regular church goer but then he abruptly changed for the worse. He would say that your boyfriend is not truly a Christian since he doesn't follow the Bible to a "T". Kids are involved in the mix so it is very difficult.

Conversely, a friend of mine is a very liberal Christian married to an atheist and they have good communication so their relationship is working out well. Everyone is different. As long as you can discuss important life decisions and events then you'll be on the right track. Good luck with your decision and let us know how it goes!

[older]

On 6/17/2018 at 6:02 AM, Ann said:

I was really hoping for some kind of example from a member here that is with a christian and has a good relationship despite that fact.

 

Well, Mrs. Older is a liberal Christian and has gone to church fairly regularly for all of the 48 years we've been married. She knew from day one that I wasn't into it but it doesn't seem to matter to her. She does her church thing, doing the ritualistic cannibalism and all the stand-kneel-sit-stand aerobics and I stay home and have fun in my workshop. We just don't discuss religion. And she's quite the rabbit; she pulled me down on the couch shortly after we started dating and she's been grabbing at me ever since.

 

Life is full of risk. You just have to evaluate the possibilities of success and failure and decide what risks you are willing to take.

[midniterider]

On 6/17/2018 at 1:46 AM, Ann said:

I've recently started dating an old college flame. To me, he's always been "the one that got away."  Anyway, he is a christian. He's not a fundy...drinking, dancing, pretty much everything secular is ok.... so is fornication...ya gotta pick your spots when you're a christian (apologies for TMI) He's more into the church for the social connections and pretty much lives his life as a non-christian would except church on Sunday and "breakfast club" with some church men. He also seems open to criticisms of church doctrine. Once we were talking about something (can't remember exactly what) and he became judgemental about someone "sinning." I reminded him he was currently fornicating and "what's the difference"? He just said, "I know" and gave me that sheepish boy smile men tend to do when "caught" and don't want to admit fault. He also knows I'm an atheist now (when we fist dated we were both a part of the same youth group) and was very clear about that one on the first date.... he said he's not bothered by it and wanted to pursue a relationship with me, not me and god.

 

My question to the members who have first hand experience with being in a relationship with a christian. Is it possible to have a healthy, good relationship with a christian? For now we have some sort of "don't ask, don't tell" truce on both sides. I worry I'm kidding myself but am super excited to be in a relationship with a good, kind, decent man as in my past I tended to chose assholes. Advice?

 

 

 

I married a fairly liberal Christian. (I was agnostic) I don't think she'd been going to church for a while. Our dating and eventual marriage was not predicated on Jesus. She did however talk about Jesus and mentioned praying for people often. It did not bother me back then. I decided to take the Christianity plunge due to her. She didn't push me into it at all.

 

Questions to ask him at some point might be,

 

"Would you be willing to marry an atheist without trying to convert your partner to Christianity?"

 

"Would you be happy with an atheist partner?"

 

"When breakfast club or church finds out you are dating an atheist, or are married to an atheist, will you stick up for me? Or let breakfast club/church dictate your behavior to try and convert me or dump me? In other words, are you your own man?"

 

A statement to say might be, "I'm not merely an atheist. I once was a christian and it ended poorly and now I have decided that it's not for me. Perhaps like [pick a typical female hobby] is not for you and I will never try to get you involved in it."

 

Or "Being with me means you will need to ignore the Great Commission, at least with me."

 

Maybe consider a period of living together prior to marriage.

 

Anyway, fornicate your brains out.

 

[midniterider]

I think the main consideration is that he needs to allow you to believe what you want to believe. And vice versa.