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Riven

My deconversion process... an insight!

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I just made a really important connection in my work to understand my deconstruction journey.

 

When I was still a Christian, I realized that the only way anyone would listen to me trying to make a compelling argument for something, was to infuse your point of view with Bible verses. You needed rock-solid "proof" of your position. Since our own opinions don't count for anything inside the religion, I needed God on my side. I got really, really good at making my case with the Bible as my supporting documentation.

 

Then, I was in a church where all kinds of crap was happening in leadership. Long story short, I'd finally had enough, and summoned the courage to write a huge email about the problems I was personally experiencing under someone's leadership. I quoted Bible verses. I knew the concepts that were being violated were absolutely against what scripture was saying. It was, in a nutshell, a very damning case against this leader.

 

The end result? A lot of throat clearing, hemming and hawing and uncomfortable silences. They knew I was right. They knew the Bible backed me up.

 

Guess what?

 

In the end, it didn't matter. They did what they wanted to do, not what their God said they should. At the time, I understood it to be men being in self-will and disobeying what God said, and I knew to be correct. (But I still believed in God at that point.)

 

However today, I just realized that church leaders do what they want to do, and just put a God stamp on it. When someone like me comes along and points that out -- I'm the problem. The problem is not the problem, the person speaking truth is.

 

And hence, I just realized that religion mimics a dysfunctional family dynamic. It the same thing. The person (usually the parent) that is behaving badly is not the problem. It's the person (usually the child) pointing out the issue that is the "problem." The family then focuses on the "problem" so they don't have to look at the real cause.

 

I came from a family dynamic like this. It hooks you in to having to "prove" that you are being reasonable, speaking truth, etc. But it doesn't matter. The mistake you are making is you are trying to use reason and logic with people who do not use reason and logic.

 

The church was exactly like my family of origin. This is probably why I was "hooked in" for so long. I spun my wheels trying to reason with people who were incapable of reasoning. Or being intellectually honest.

 

Now I'm just tired. And pissed.

 

 

 

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I think you're on to it now!

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We tend to repeat patterns from childhood, I don't know why. The lesson to be learned here is look at the negatives in your childhood, dysfunctional family dynamics etc, and be aware of them, and what you don't want to repeat.

I realized I was a "problem" to the church because I had logic and reason (which was seen as sin) - which is why the first thing I said when I "came out" was, "I have sinned in your eyes by using logic, and I don't care, and here's why..."

Glad that you're figuring it out!

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