Why do I want validation from other people with my choices?

[Anushka]

Especially major life decisions.

I want to hear other people agree with my decisions and tell me I am right or my decision is good.

 

Anyone else like this? 

 

This trait used to be really strong in me when I was a Christian. Now, comparatively, I crave a lot less approval than I used to.

 

But, even now I sometimes wish it would be nice if I could get more validation.

[MOHO]

Make a list of decisions/choices and we'll all go over them one by one and see what we can do for you.

Yes, @Anushka, MOHO is short for Smart-ASS! 

[midniterider]

51 minutes ago, Anushka said:

Especially major life decisions.

I want to hear other people agree with my decisions and tell me I am right or my decision is good.

 

Anyone else like this? 

 

This trait used to be really strong in me when I was a Christian. Now, comparatively, I crave a lot less approval than I used to.

 

But, even now I sometimes wish it would be nice if I could get more validation.

 

It's nice to have someone validate you. It boosts your confidence.

 

I think with age comes less craving for approval. Could be related to Christianity too. I dont know.

[mwc]

18 hours ago, Anushka said:

Especially major life decisions.

I want to hear other people agree with my decisions and tell me I am right or my decision is good.

 

Anyone else like this? 

 

This trait used to be really strong in me when I was a Christian. Now, comparatively, I crave a lot less approval than I used to.

 

But, even now I sometimes wish it would be nice if I could get more validation.

     Hmm.  I...don't know if I care for this post.  No.  This post will not do.

 

    

          mwc

 

[offtheromanroad]

Been there!

 

 

So far, I've come up with the following conclusions (work in progress...):

 

1. We're human and social beings. Off course we want approval. It makes us feel safer when it comes to decision making, and it boosts our confidence. And IMHO it's never wrong to ask others for advice -- it's something we sometimes actually need to do to be able to assess (difficult) situations/circumstances from different angles and to make wise decisions.

 

2. Evangelical Christianity is prone to fostering this natural need for approval, especially bec/ it's build around the concept of asking a higher power for a "plan", and for "approval". And it is also built around having god's "approval" re-approved by "fellow believers". Think of all those times people have probably told you they felt like god was showing them what the right thing for you to do was. Or all those fellow Christians who believe they have the gift of prophecy and are constantly laying out god's "plan" for you. Nothing wrong about asking friends for their opinion, but the problem with this is that it's not about personal/rational opinions and advice, but hoping for random signs from above and relying (solely) on people's feelings. And this concept works very well in Christian settings, because that way, you're so to say mentally dependent on the church/community/on what the pastor tells you. In some settings, this can even lead to manipulation/abuse.

 

3. I second what midniterider says: The general/natural need for approval gets better with age. And when it comes to the Christianity-induced need for approval that I tried to describe in No 2: It gets better along the deconversion process, because deconversion is also about trusting yourself again, and not some higher power or people who trust more in that higher power than they trust you or their own brains.

 

On a more humorous note: I've always wondered why some Christians don't use their brains much more, when they believe it is God-given.

 

 

[Guest]

On 6/20/2018 at 6:30 PM, Anushka said:

Especially major life decisions.

I want to hear other people agree with my decisions and tell me I am right or my decision is good.

 

Anyone else like this? 

 

This trait used to be really strong in me when I was a Christian. Now, comparatively, I crave a lot less approval than I used to.

 

But, even now I sometimes wish it would be nice if I could get more validation.

I have been so much happier without the need for validation. Who knows best for you? You do. Getting there can be hard though. Think of it, as a form of self respect. Needing validation can lead one down a slippery slope, where you start giving too much weight to other people's opinions, and you stop listening enough to your own needs. Especially when the people giving you validation might be Christian, and as a nonbeliever you have values and opinions that are different. It's not validation as much as trying to influence your life and control you, in that case.

Here's the way I see it: I grew up, left Christianity behind, and no longer need anyone else's approval. It's just being an adult.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

On 6/20/2018 at 6:30 PM, Anushka said:

Especially major life decisions.

I want to hear other people agree with my decisions and tell me I am right or my decision is good.

 

Anyone else like this? 

 

This trait used to be really strong in me when I was a Christian. Now, comparatively, I crave a lot less approval than I used to.

 

But, even now I sometimes wish it would be nice if I could get more validation.

Oh, totally. It's natural for people to want validation. Humans are a social species, after all.

 

Yeah, X-ianity tends to be unhealthily obsessed with validation, to the point of judging people entirely on whether or not they happen to be validating (regardless of their character or ethics). I think the cycle of abuse perpetuates itself, because abusive religious parents don't give their children healthy validation, so their children, in a religious environment, misguidedly start seeking validation through shallow religious platitudes.

 

I like to think I get healthy validation here, on this website, by genuine people who have experienced hard truths

[Tealeaf]

It's been a while since I've been a regular here. I usually have to disclose that I'm an atheist by default. Never indoctrinated, never religious, just had to put up with this crap in so many areas outside my immediate family.

 

To address the question I simply point to an ingrained mentality of groupthink. In my situation, I have never given a rats ass about what people think of me. In some very specific scenarios I may have cause to care. Otherwise no, I stand alone (a lot) if need be and I wouldn't have it any other way. One thing I really noticed with the religious nut bars is how spineless they all are. Like peer approval was somehow part of their immediate functioning the same way breathing is or something.

 

You really have to think: what is it that any of these opinion holders have to say that is worthy of giving a shit about? Why should they get to hold that place?

[Fweethawt]

On 6/20/2018 at 7:23 PM, midniterider said:

I think with age comes less craving for approval. Could be related to Christianity too. I dont know.

I was just getting ready to post something along these lines. 

 

When you're young and (understandably) unsure of yourself, you seek validation from others because there's no way you can know whether most of your decisions are the right thing to do since you don't have the experience under your belt to allow you to feel comfortable or actually know what the "right thing" is.

 

And on the flip side, the quest for validation goes away as experience is gained.