Struggling

[BookOfRuthless]

I totally struggled with hating the uncertainty of life, flip-flopping my opinions, and feeling unsure of what I cared about or why for nearly a year. I remember a motivational poster in my favorite junior high teacher's class that said "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything," and that fucked me up for a long time because it convinced me that I had to formulate opinions and hold to them, or else I would be some gullible naive child.

 

I think I was watching Cosmos or something when it occurred to me that the very basis of science itself IS uncertainty. Ask a question and try to prove it wrong, not right. And then whatever you learn is always subject to change, because you never said it was right in the first place. No theory or law is considered undeniable fact - even the law of gravity has changed. The only way to grow and become better is if you admit that you don't have all the right answers, that no one has all the right answers.

 

It's uncomfortable, for sure. But you know how when you first step into a mud puddle, you feel all gross and annoyed because you didnt want your feet to get dirty? But then your friends or your kids jump in and coax you in, so you just roll your eyes and settle into the mud, and then suddenly it becomes fun? And you don't even care that you're dirty all over now? I feel like that's how most of life is, dirty and annoying at first, but once you roll your eyes and let it be, it becomes fun. Radical acceptance.

 

Anyway, hope that maybe helps a bit. You're definitely not crazy, and you're definitely not alone. *hugs*

[Lerk]

On 7/19/2018 at 3:16 PM, ag_NO_stic said:

Is there a way to just not care about settling on any sort of opinion?

 

When I first deconverted I was really obsessed. Believing in mythology until you're 52 years old and suddenly realizing that it's all bullshit makes your head spin for awhile! It took several years to get to where I wasn't totally preoccupied with it, but I got there.

 

Until my older son deconverted and there was a big blow-up about it. That's been two years now and the obsession hasn't waned again.

 

Partly it's my own fault, because I listen to Freethought Radio and the Friendly Atheist podcasts every week, and I spend time on Patheos Non-religious and here. I keep thinking my mind would be more peaceful if I would wean myself off of the things that are feeding it, but I'm not motivated enough, or not bored with it enough, or something. I think the best hope is for it to become boring, but since I'm 15/16 closeted and still show up for church a lot, I don't really have a chance to get bored with thinking about how absolutely batshit fucking crazy and yet pervasive Christianity is.