Heimir Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I remember frequently being afraid of hell, never knowing whether I really was saved and trying desperately to find out whether christianity was true. I remember struggling with evolution, which in my opinion was hard to combine with christianity, but I was also always interested in nature and could have become an ecologist or biologist (perhaps I will one day, I mean I am in my early thirties, plenty of time ahead of me). I remember going to a more fundamentalist and sectarian church, which was warm in a way, but also very serious about finding the true religion, and teaching this to the children as well. And so this fear of hell that I mentioned was transfered to me when I was as young as five and it stayed with me for the next 20 years. My life was going down the drain until five years ago, when I left. My studies was going very badly, and I only managed to finish my BSc after 10 years. Leaving religion was a very important step in that, which I did when I was 8 years in. It allowed me to rediscover life and myself, and to see things more lightly. It's been 5 years now that I left faith. I no longer believe in any gods, heaven, hell, or anything. I do not fear death. I am very happy that a lot healed. However, I had a lot of catching up to do - learning about secular ethics and morality (no longer basing my idea of what's 'good' in religion), science (how the world really works), social things (how people can have different ideas, cultures, sexuality, etc and how I can respond to that), etc. And of course I had my career to build after a long time of trouble. I am happy to say that went well, but the last 5 years was a constant battle. Now I feel disillusioned and I am not sure what I have been fighting for. I mean I have been trying to grow out of the damage caused by religion (and some bad choices on my part - I am not blaming everything on religion), but I see how I have actually been evading a lot of difficult emotion inside of me. I did not have sex yet (in my early thirties now), or a long relation for that matter, because I feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex (though I am good looking and extremely athletic, I do rock climbing and triathlons), though I really want it as well. I also find it hard to imagine that someone would want someone in her life with such a messy history. I see myself fully filling all my time and all my silent moments, so that I do not have to deal with all the difficult thoughts and emotions that come. I hardly ever cry, but I really want to. I am very focussed on solving problems, my own and others, but not because I care but because I feel obliged. I have dated with a girl for a few weeks and though it started beautifully, it quickly became a disaster, and what I describe above came to the surface. Now I see what a mess I am inside and I really want to deal with it (not for her, though I still like her (but I think it's too late), but for myself). I have started seeing a psychologist and I have told her all of the above and more, and I am ready to do anything to heal from this. That is why I am posting this as well - I am looking for ways that I can move forward and actually heal from the rubbish ideas that I have been fed that subconsciously still influence me, and become a healthy, stable and strong individual. What helped you? What would you advice me to do? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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