NeverHealed52Years

Not One Answer to One Prayer For Healing : Giving Up On God

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I need physical healing and now it has progressed to the point of needing creation type Miracles too  and cant understand why God would never heal me, not even one problem, not even one time or prevent even one physical problem from happening?   Makes no sense.  Below is the condensed Journey, I sent to someone who asked what happened,  of why I have given up on Life and God.  He just does not want to do anything for. Me. I Dont know why and am totally exhausted, frustrated, hurt and angry from asking or trying! I am done suffering. I have only stayed on this earth the past 3 years because I just cant seem to decide how to die with the least amount of hurt and trauma to my husband.

The Journey:  I overcame a severe mental, physical, spiritual, emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood (both parents and one pedophile) that sent me out into the world seriously messed up to the point of not being able to speak a complete sentence, constant state of fear and deep non-stop sadness. And severe Dissociation with NO coping, people, social, hygiene, emotional, intellectual, common sense or any other skills, zero self esteem/confidence,  numerous physical problems (some born with some caused by the child abuse/neglect.)  Extremely poor physical health in every way. At 19 I was told  I had the body health of a 60 year old.  I overcame almost all by my late twenties/early thirites. I lived a drug, tobacco, alcohol, porno, violence, jail, crime, mental institute, suicide free and  productive, intelligent, successful, contributing member of society life in spite of the overwhelming and relentless challenges. EXCEPT physically.

52 years of 1000's of hours of  prayer and bible studies/reading, keeping the Word in my eyes and  ears. Applying the Word to my daily life.  Increasing my faith until I refused to doubt but believed no matter what.  Repenting, renewing mind, being prayed for by numerous others, praying for healing of others, joining the healing rooms, improving my mind, emotions, attitudes etc. in every way.  Praise, worship, breaking curses, commanding evil spirits and sickness/disease and everything to leave in Jesus name, helping others. Sincerely and truly, with Love and true compassion,  not because I was supposed to, Forgiving and helping my parents, especially at end of life when they needed it most, I did ALL I could starting at age 18: AMA Medica/Dental care, World Class Naturopath (One of best in the USA) care, Chiro, Massage Therapy, not perfect but excellent diet, exercise, Chinese Herbalist, lots of self help care and Psychologist guided help  and much more! ( we must do EVERTHING possible to improve our physical, mental and emotional health and take very good care of ourselves not just expect anyone including God to do it all for us). But the more I improved all mentioned above, and the more I followed God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the better care I took of myself and ...... More health problems would come on relentlessly and existing ones got worse and worse. I just kept accumulating them;  resisting, kicking and screaming and fighting against them all the way!.

 

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Damn. You describe a very tough life, and I'm sorry that so much of it was spent in the lies of religion. It really is only ever a rip-off since none of the "great and precious promises" are backed by a real god. I was in for a fervent 30 years, the last years were spent believing a story-teller who kept describing outstanding miracles, until the day I caught him making up long involved stories that contradicted video evidence. But abuse and physical issues like you describe are a lot to deal with daily.

 

I wish there were a better help available for you. Outside of actual medicine, I don't know of any. On this forum, we can listen and offer what support we can. We aren't professionals, just other humans. I hope we can provide a bit of empathy.

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now when I think about God/Jesus/Holy Spirit I just cant help myself I refer to them as the THREE STOOGES! You youngsters probably wont know what I am talking about but us older Folks know who the 3 Stooges are!

 

 I am starting to believe that the bible God is really the devil (and/or other evil principalities and powers) which is why we are under constant abuse and attack. We have been duped into worshipping and following Evil which is why there is no loving response to prayer! Evil cant respond in kindness and love and wont do good things to help us. There is no Hell after this life. This is hell we are already in it!

 

Fuego Thanks for your words of compassion.

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38 minutes ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

now when I think about God/Jesus/Holy Spirit I just cant help myself I refer to them as the THREE STOOGES!

 

The Three Stooges.  That's priceless and from now on that's exactly what I'm going to think whenever I hear Father/Son/Holy Ghost.   Thank you!

 

Welcome to Ex-C.   I hope we can offer you at least a little something -- even if it's just a place where you are free to vent and really speak your mind.   (((Hugs)))

 

 

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On 8/26/2018 at 5:05 PM, NeverHealed52Years said:

I need physical healing and now it has progressed to the point of needing creation type Miracles too  and cant understand why God would never heal me, not even one problem, not even one time or prevent even one physical problem from happening?   Makes no sense.  Below is the condensed Journey, I sent to someone who asked what happened,  of why I have given up on Life and God.  He just does not want to do anything for. Me. I Dont know why and am totally exhausted, frustrated, hurt and angry from asking or trying! I am done suffering. I have only stayed on this earth the past 3 years because I just cant seem to decide how to die with the least amount of hurt and trauma to my husband.

The Journey:  I overcame a severe mental, physical, spiritual, emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood (both parents and one pedophile) that sent me out into the world seriously messed up to the point of not being able to speak a complete sentence, constant state of fear and deep non-stop sadness. And severe Dissociation with NO coping, people, social, hygiene, emotional, intellectual, common sense or any other skills, zero self esteem/confidence,  numerous physical problems (some born with some caused by the child abuse/neglect.)  Extremely poor physical health in every way. At 19 I was told  I had the body health of a 60 year old.  I overcame almost all by my late twenties/early thirites. I lived a drug, tobacco, alcohol, porno, violence, jail, crime, mental institute, suicide free and  productive, intelligent, successful, contributing member of society life in spite of the overwhelming and relentless challenges. EXCEPT physically.

52 years of 1000's of hours of  prayer and bible studies/reading, keeping the Word in my eyes and  ears. Applying the Word to my daily life.  Increasing my faith until I refused to doubt but believed no matter what.  Repenting, renewing mind, being prayed for by numerous others, praying for healing of others, joining the healing rooms, improving my mind, emotions, attitudes etc. in every way.  Praise, worship, breaking curses, commanding evil spirits and sickness/disease and everything to leave in Jesus name, helping others. Sincerely and truly, with Love and true compassion,  not because I was supposed to, Forgiving and helping my parents, especially at end of life when they needed it most, I did ALL I could starting at age 18: AMA Medica/Dental care, World Class Naturopath (One of best in the USA) care, Chiro, Massage Therapy, not perfect but excellent diet, exercise, Chinese Herbalist, lots of self help care and Psychologist guided help  and much more! ( we must do EVERTHING possible to improve our physical, mental and emotional health and take very good care of ourselves not just expect anyone including God to do it all for us). But the more I improved all mentioned above, and the more I followed God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the better care I took of myself and ...... More health problems would come on relentlessly and existing ones got worse and worse. I just kept accumulating them;  resisting, kicking and screaming and fighting against them all the way!.

 

I haven't suffered what you have, not nearly. But part of your journey is very much part of what I went through. Except, I gave up with praying for healing long ago and never expected it, as I trusted science and the doctors much more than god long before I even realized I no longer trusted him. It was only when the problems felt like they kept on multiplying, and I would get over one health hurdle to face the next, that I became extremely angry with god and became consciously aware of my questioning. This was before my deconversion. I had a lot of bottled up rage. And then I started reading a lot of books, and truly underwent my deconversion from believing in god and Christianity. It was, ha ha, a "god send" for me. If there are people I have to thank for my peace of mind today they are all the authors who have written about their own experiences leaving Christianity. There are a lot of them. If you're looking to be let loose from the mental torture, I highly recommend reading and educating yourself. The bottom line is that very bad things happen to very good people, and you have done nothing to deserve this yourself, therefore you can quit with the mental torture that is Christianity and free your mind.

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HUGS I am so sorry you have been suffering so much, for so long. You don't deserve this. Hoping it gets better for you. ❤

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I just recently realized that I have a very deep wound from God now. I spent decades overcoming the serious deep wound that my violent and extremely  negative childhood gave me only to have another deep wound dug a bit a time as God ignored my prayers and  my needs for physical problems prevention and healing and miracles  GOOD GREIF!  It is impossible to not get your heart slowly chipped away and to have faith and hope die a slow death a bit at a time when being ignored and hurt and disappointed over and over and over  thousands of times!  Every unanswered cry for help just hurt me really bad.

 

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Like everyone hear I am so sad to read your story. I think when things go very bad at a  very young age it is incredibly difficult in adulthood to really accept yourself and all the abuse and just completely let go and walk away with that damaged or at least very changed person who remains. Then adding to that so many physical problems makes it hard for me to imagine what you have been through and still are going through let alone think of something helpful to say. I guess the best or maybe at least is that we are hear listening to what you say and wanting some good outcome for you. For sure most of us have been really disappointed to have put hopes into christianity only to discover that it is a sham and we have been duped. Maybe you would like joining in with us here and  sharing some of your experiences with others trying to cope with various problems they are encountering as they work to free themselves from christianity. I believe you have much to offer from having traveled along such a difficult path. Please stay in touch if you can.

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On ‎8‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 11:16 AM, TruthSeeker0 said:

"  If you're looking to be let loose from the mental torture, I highly recommend reading and educating yourself. The bottom line is that very bad things happen to very good people, and you have done nothing to deserve this yourself, therefore you can quit with the mental torture that is Christianity and free your mind. "

Thank you for writing me! I don't know what to say....I just cry every time I read what you wrote. Maybe later I can respond on your compassionate words.

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56 minutes ago, DanForsman said:

"it is incredibly difficult in adulthood to really accept yourself and all the abuse and just completely let go and walk away with that damaged or at least very changed person who remains."

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. You are very kind.  You, and many people on this sight right very well!

I am especially pondering this one statement. It keeps jumping out at me. I need to reflect on it for awhile.

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On ‎8‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 3:10 PM, LoneBlueSky said:

HUGS I am so sorry you have been suffering so much, for so long. You don't deserve this. Hoping it gets better for you. ❤

Thank you for your love!

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4 minutes ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. You are very kind.  You, and many people on this sight right very well!

I am especially pondering this one statement. It keeps jumping out at me. I need to reflect on it for awhile.

Ooops "WRITE very well."  I just don't carefully proof read everything I write. It takes too much energy.

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25 minutes ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

Thank you for writing me! I don't know what to say....I just cry every time I read what you wrote. Maybe later I can respond on your compassionate words.

Feel free to PM me anytime. It really can get better, it takes time, and some work, but there is hope. Freeing my mind also had a positive impact on my health in some ways - the anxiety and stress alone from negative beliefs can have a physical impact. (hugs)

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On 8/26/2018 at 4:05 PM, NeverHealed52Years said:

But the more I improved all mentioned above, and the more I followed God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and the better care I took of myself and ...... More health problems

 

As Annie Laurie Gaylor says, "nothing fails like prayer."

 

Having said that, my wife (who is now 63) has suffered from depression since before I met her (we've been married 37 years). She's still a believer, but for the life of me I don't know why. It's perfectly clear to her that her god won't help her, and she must suspect that it's because he can't, because he isn't real.

 

On top of the depression, over the years she has developed, first, chronic fatigue syndrome, then hypoglycemia, then fibromyalgia (all syndromes with unknown causes), and now rheumatoid arthritis. She takes a lot of prescription medicine every day, has insomnia, constipation, high blood pressure, and of course the depression is still present. There have been times in her life when she was suicidal, when the only thing that kept her from taking her own life was her fear of Hell. (I'm not certain she actually has the courage to do it, even if she didn't believe in Hell, but it's really hard to tell. I know that she really wishes sometime that she could just die in her sleep. And she's prayed for that, too, another thing her god doesn't know how to do.)

 

Life is really, really hard for some people. I can sympathize, and I do my best to make her life as pleasant as possible. When she's down on herself and feeling useless, I try to make her understand that 1) she actually does a lot, and 2) she expects too much of herself. Her religion makes her feel guilty. I try to make her see that she shouldn't feel guilty. (But sometimes she feels guilty for feeling guilty!) Seriously, I wonder whether she would never have had the depression had she not been religious, but there's no way to know.

 

Religion puts a lot of pressure on a person. I hope your doctors (MDs -- naturopathy is as useless as religion) can help you find some relief. And maybe once you're truly free of the religion some of the mental anguish will go away.

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1 hour ago, Lerk said:

 

As Annie Laurie Gaylor says, "nothing fails like prayer."

 

Having said that, my wife (who is now 63) has suffered from depression since before I met her (we've been married 37 years). She's still a believer, but for the life of me I don't know why. It's perfectly clear to her that her god won't help her, and she must suspect that it's because he can't, because he isn't real.

It's actually the healthier road to take, this suspicion. Because if you continue to believe in god with these kinds of challenges, it can get really impossible and it takes a real toll on your mental health, the anxiety and stress. "What have I done to deserve this, which sin?" "What is god testing me for?" "What's the purpose of these 'trials'?" Those thoughts are so toxic.

1 hour ago, Lerk said:

 

On top of the depression, over the years she has developed, first, chronic fatigue syndrome, then hypoglycemia, then fibromyalgia (all syndromes with unknown causes), and now rheumatoid arthritis. She takes a lot of prescription medicine every day, has insomnia, constipation, high blood pressure, and of course the depression is still present. There have been times in her life when she was suicidal, when the only thing that kept her from taking her own life was her fear of Hell. (I'm not certain she actually has the courage to do it, even if she didn't believe in Hell, but it's really hard to tell. I know that she really wishes sometime that she could just die in her sleep. And she's prayed for that, too, another thing her god doesn't know how to do.)

I think the toxic stress and anxiety resulting from some beliefs can have a clear impact on things like sleep quality, blood pressure, and depression. I have fibromyalgia and some other conditions myself. When I developed the latest ones, I realized I was at real risk of depression and was on the verge of it, if I wasn't already suffering from it. I had wished for death earlier during a major challenge, and luckily I realized my anxiety and mindset were unhealthy, and that if I remained in the church, things would get worse. It was as if there was nothing but a wall in front of me when I envisioned holding on to my beliefs, and that's when I decided the hell with it, I was going to examine them, because my own life was more important to me than what I believed. The funny thing is, I think some people that suffer this way are convinced their beliefs are offering them some comfort, when in fact they are doing the opposite. Thinking of yourself as a sinful, undeserving person is the worst thing you can do when you already have other challenges.

1 hour ago, Lerk said:

 

Life is really, really hard for some people. I can sympathize, and I do my best to make her life as pleasant as possible. When she's down on herself and feeling useless, I try to make her understand that 1) she actually does a lot, and 2) she expects too much of herself. Her religion makes her feel guilty.

People caught in religion just don't understand this. I didn't start to understand what level of guilt I had been feeling until I started to free myself from it. It's so all encompassing when you've been caught up in it your entire life. "I am a good person," or "I am enough" are not thoughts that Christianity supports.

 

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On ‎8‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 2:48 PM, TruthSeeker0 said:

 It was only when the problems felt like they kept on multiplying, and I would get over one health hurdle to face the next, that I became extremely angry with god and became consciously aware of my questioning. This was before my deconversion. I had a lot of bottled up rage

On ‎8‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 2:48 PM, TruthSeeker0 said:

The funny thing is, I think some people that suffer this way are convinced their beliefs are offering them some comfort, when in fact they are doing the opposite. Thinking of yourself as a sinful, undeserving person is the worst thing you can do when you already have other challenges.

 Not ignoring your very insightful and helpful posts. There is soooo much food for thought that I just keep rereading all and trying to get a handle on where I stand now and what I really feel and believe.

 

The fear that help from medical science is very limited and now I am letting go of the ONE thing (God) that I thought had the ability and willingness  to fix what medicine can't is VERY scary and painful. It is letting go of the ONLY hope of a better life that I had. Now I have NOTHING to hang on to. Ouch!! That hurts!!!

 

 

 

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Lerk Thank you for your very helpful posts.

 

Please have your wife be very careful with taking so many or any medications. Go to the local library and ask for the Physicians Desk Reference Guide of Medications. Don't trust the online, read what the Doctors get to read. Read how many very serious and scary problems the meds can and do cause.

 

Part of my health problems became much worse and/or happened because of the AMA traditional medications. I had numerous scary and could have been, and some were,  permanently damaging side affects from every med I ever took.

I understand she is desperately miserable and looking for relief any way she can, but be careful.

 

Just one of many examples, the meds gave me acute  Rhuemetoid Arthritis that immediately manifested with bone distortions. I immediately dropped all meds and went to an Excellent Naturopath I had just found and when some of  the toxic med accumulation was cleared from my body the Arthritis went away and the bone deformities almost totally went back to normal. The arthririts hasn't flared up again.

 

I agree most Naturopaths just give people vitamin/herb supplement's and change their diet etc. Their supplements are higher quality and potency (Pharmaceutical Grade) then what we buy retail, but that is about all they have to offer.

However I was able to see a really really well trained in the latest state of the art Holistic Medicine Naturopth doctor who had gone through medical school first, then was trained in the USA, Germany, Isreal and other countries that have state of the art Natural Medicine. He also constantly stays up to date with the latest knowledge and training available.

 

I was seriously unhealthy when I went to the Natural Doctor  because all traditional medicine had to offer was yet another very dangerous medication. The traditional  doctor told me, before he prescribed it, that it damages the liver. I was as jaudiced as a banana and so unhealthy I was near death but he prescribed it anyway ! Yikes I tore up the prescrip and never went back.

 

You are however correct about natrual medicine when it comes to cures. They can cure some but not all of us. Unfortunately he was unable to cure my many problems, just able to save my life and then greatly improve my basic health and diminish, reduce, minimize some problems and symptoms greatly improving my quality of life. Much of what I have needs a miracle not healing cures so he did the best any person possibly could.

 

Sorry hope this doesn't sound to preachy and you may have already tried this route for help. Just thought I would share some of what I know and experienced on the subject. My best wishes to you and your wife.

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On ‎8‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 2:48 PM, TruthSeeker0 said:

People caught in religion just don't understand this. I didn't start to understand what level of guilt I had been feeling until I started to free myself from it. It's so all encompassing when you've been caught up in it your entire life. "I am a good person," or "I am enough" are not thoughts that Christianity supports.

Ouch. I hurt just reading this. My extreme abusive upbringing literally pounded into me that I was bad, horrible, evil, God was punishing me because I was so bad, all my physical problems were punishment from God, I was the cause of ALL of my parents problems and unhappiness   and then...... religion gives me all of their, too numerous to mention, blame the victim , it is all my own sinfu,l evil, wicked  fault that I am suffering etc. Good God no wonder I was emotionally and mentally and physically ill  my whole life.

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3 hours ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

 Not ignoring your very insightful and helpful posts. There is soooo much food for thought that I just keep rereading all and trying to get a handle on where I stand now and what I really feel and believe.

 

The fear that help from medical science is very limited and now I am letting go of the ONE thing (God) that I thought had the ability and willingness  to fix what medicine can't is VERY scary and painful. It is letting go of the ONLY hope of a better life that I had. Now I have NOTHING to hang on to. Ouch!! That hurts!!!

 

 

 

Medical science has come a long, long way. If we look back at history and consider life expectancy, we have come from an average of 40 years in the 1800s to an average of 80 years in Canada currently. That is double the age, and medical science is the one reason we can account for, as well as better living conditions, sanitation etc. Even those have come about as we have learned about disease and how it spreads, and made improvements to living conditions as a result of that knowledge.

You have very likely been told your whole life that medical science is to be distrusted and you can only rely on god. But when you look at these facts, isn't it easy to see that god was doing a rather poor job in the 1800s in comparison to today? Why would that be? Even the fundamentalist church I was part of had no defense in regard to these facts, so the interpretation they stuck to was "god works his wonders through medical science" or "god gives the doctors wisdom".

 

 

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22 minutes ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Medical science has come a long, long way. If we look back at history and consider life expectancy, we have come from an average of 40 years in the 1800s to an average of 80 years in Canada currently. That is double the age, and medical science is the one reason we can account for, as well as better living conditions, sanitation etc. Even those have common about as we have learned about disease and how it spreads, and made improvements to living conditions as a result of that knowledge.

You have very likely been told your whole life that medical science is to be distrusted and you can only rely on god. But when you look at these facts, isn't it easy to see that god was doing a rather poor job in the 1800s in comparison to today? Why would that be? Even the fundamentalist church I was part of had no defense in regard to these facts, so the interpretation they stuck to was "god works his wonders through medical science" or "god gives the doctors wisdom".

 

 

Very good points.

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4 hours ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

The fear that help from medical science is very limited and now I am letting go of the ONE thing (God) that I thought had the ability and willingness  to fix what medicine can't is VERY scary and painful. It is letting go of the ONLY hope of a better life that I had. Now I have NOTHING to hang on to. Ouch!! That hurts!!!

 

I want to be careful here. It's not anybody's right to try push you one way or the other in regards to you belief, but I will talk about my own. After I went through a lot of suffering, and dealt with all the "god is trying to teach me something" moments, or even worse, "god is punishing me for something" moments, it was pretty refreshing to turn around and start to question god himself: if god is so omnipotent (all powerful), and omniscient, and better yet, so loving and kind, why, in his power, can he not be more kind to us humans? Why couldn't he have just forgiven the first sin in the garden or eden, instead of deciding that the whole human race was now tarnished and sinful? Is that love? Is that fair? Is the creation of hell an act of love? What does this say about god? All of these questions were major breakthroughs for me. It was the beginning of the end of fear.

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I've said this before "When you have a fuck load of people waiting on their non existent gods to come through and assist everybody, nothing gets done."

 

Three stooges, yeah, lol.

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19 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

if god is so omnipotent (all powerful), and omniscient, and better yet, so loving and kind, why, in his power, can he not be more kind to us humans?

 

You are voicing so many of the thoughts and feelings that I am having now about the GOD who does NOT love me, NEVER DID love me, and I have absolutely NO reason to believe he EVER WILL love me. I never could figure out why he hated me so much more then others who had a MUCH easier and better health life! And why there are people who say God healed them of physical problems and/or performed physical miracles for them. But NEVER helped me.

 

ALL of your posts to me (and others) is helping me deal with my thoughts and emotions...especially the pain and hurt of never being understood or LOVED. I really appreciate you.

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1 hour ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

 

You are voicing so many of the thoughts and feelings that I am having now about the GOD who does NOT love me, NEVER DID love me, and I have absolutely NO reason to believe he EVER WILL love me. I never could figure out why he hated me so much more then others who had a MUCH easier and better health life! And why there are people who say God healed them of physical problems and/or performed physical miracles for them. But NEVER helped me.

 

ALL of your posts to me (and others) is helping me deal with my thoughts and emotions...especially the pain and hurt of never being understood or LOVED. I really appreciate you.

If it's possible I would recommend finding a secular therapist who can help you work through the issues and heal from all of this. It really does help, when deep down you know and feel that the biblical god is just part of fairy tale stories, and that you can find a much healthier belief in a higher power if that's where life takes you. Richard Dawkins really helped me demolish the biblical god once and for all (I read The God Delusion). Dan Barker is also another excellent author. The arguments and evidence that these scholars put forward can really help people who have been brainwashed their entire lives to view things in a completely different light, and that is an incredibly freeing feeling. I don't think I'll ever forget the moment when the biblical god ceased to be for me and I knew that all the negative stuff that had happened to me over the years was just part of life, and didn't reflect on me at all as a person. It was like standing on a mountaintop and the view was exhilarating.

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