Still figuring out this atheist thing.

[graceofgrace]

I started this letter off as a letter to my parents, but I couldn’t find the words. I thought I was ready to tell them I’ve decided I don’t believe in God and I don’t want to be a part of the church any more. Now it’s just for whoever wants to listen. Maybe I’ll figure out what to say to them after I get it all out of my system, but maybe I’ll just keep lying to them about my reality, like I always have. 

 

My parents are very Christian, my dad’s a pastor. And growing up in their household as the oldest of four kids, I was expected to be the role model for my siblings, attend church with joy every single week, make the “Godly” choices. Respect my parents, and obey. Essentially, be perfect, but don’t worry you can’t, because Jesus is the only one who is perfect, but here’s some unrealistic expectations for you now anyways because that’s just how it is. I left home right after I graduated high school, and never thought about moving back. At 18 years old, I wanted to travel the world, save the world. I had nothing but adventure and helping those less fortunate than I was in me. I was still pretty gung-ho about the whole Jesus thing, but I think that my heart was in the right place at the time. Even though there were some secrets I’d been keeping from my parents (and myself) about my sexuality, I think that at the time, my heart was open to pretty much anything the world could give me. So I joined a year long volunteer service, starting in the fall of the year I graduated high school (2013) and on my very first day of work at my assignment, I got the most devastating news of my life. 

 

Sydnee. Sydnee, my beloved best friend from early teenage years, had died in a car accident the night before. I felt as though I had fallen into a pit, landed flat on my back, the wind knocked out of me. I spent the next months, years, poring over why. Why did this happen, why would God LET this happen? She was brilliant, beautiful, and a deer ran in front of her car. She swerved to not hit it, and hit a tractor trailer head on instead, and she died. She probably would have died either way, but it was a freak accident, and if God were as powerful and as loving and as merciful as they said he was, then he could have stopped it. But he chose not to, and I was still supposed to trust him with every aspect of my life anyways?? I was just supposed to lay down everything I had, and trust him with everything, even if I had seen my best friend do the same, and he chose to just not protect her from death, at 18 years old. It was a Sunday night, she was driving home from an evening church service, and he just decided to let her die on the spot, tear apart a family, a church, so many other lives. That doesn’t sound like some perfect all-knowing being to me. So much of my church’s emphasis on its lessons was working on your relationship with Christ, and teachers would compare your relationship with God to those of other people in your life. They would say, you know, “if you went for several months without talking to your best friend to let them know what was going on with you, do you think they would still want to be your best friend? No, they wouldn’t. The same way is with God, he wants to hear everything from you, your joy, your pain, your fears, your suffering, your everything. Just hand everything to God, and he’ll take care of it.” Except that really is total bullshit, because why would anyone want to be besties with a being that would willingly let you suffer through your entire life? And for what? So you could spend “eternity” with him? Sounds like some overly possessive insecure-ass dickhead to me. Abusive, really.

 

My discovering that I felt this way was a long and gradual process. It started with Syndee’s death, but was helped to form during my two years at a small Christian liberal arts school, where I was required to take a Bible and a theology class over my first two semesters. Here I was able to learn a lot about how the Bible came to be, and then how I chose to interpret it. It slowly and then quickly evolved, through some sort of process.. It’s hard to put into words.

 

• First revelation in Bible class: not everything written in the Bible was intended to be interpreted as literal truth, which lead to a lot of rethinking. How much of it was written as tall tales and legends, and then how much of it was an actual godly miracle that the entire faith is based on? This created a lot of grey area, which eventually turned black.
• I got hung up on really specific questions for periods of time, like “Do we really believe that God is a man?” or “Why does the church ignore scientific evidence and facts if the Bible says something contrary?” “Why do we have to believe in the literal Biblical 7-Day Creation story? And why can’t we believe in evolution?” “Why do some Christians hate members of LGBTQ communities, and why does this have to divide our churches today?” Shit like this, and I would ask my pastor at the time for answers, and he didn’t even really try to address them with honesty or consideration. He was always just like, “Ummm I don’t know. You can ask God when you get to heaven.” Fuck that, Kevin. You call yourself a pastor, a leader, a teacher, and you don’t even try to address people’s actual concerns??? And you wonder why young people are leaving the church in waves. 
• Through all the questioning, I think I still called myself a Christian, despite my real frustration that was everything in church. However I can remember one really specific church service early this year when Kevin wasn’t there one Sunday, and one of our elders, Dick was speaking in his place. Dick was one of those crazy super evangelical pentecostal guys that would talk matter-of-factly about “spiritual warfare” and demons and angels, and needing to pray and bless buildings so that the demons couldn’t get in and reek evil on all of God’s perfect little people. This Sunday he was talking about belief and faith. And multiple times during his sermon, he would ask, “Do you believe that you believe that you believe in Jesus Christ our savior?” and I think that he had his best intentions to do the exact opposite of what actually happened to me, but all of a sudden I realized that I didn’t. Believe. I just didn’t. And that was the first time I put that together. I realized I didn’t believe what other Christians believe, and maybe before, that just made me a bad Christian, but now I’m just a non-believer. I didn’t even go to the step of calling myself an atheist out loud until months later, but I did. And I am.

 

I still don’t really know what to do with myself, now that I have this new information about me. As I said before, religion is everything to my family. It’s who they are, how they spend their lives, why they get up in the morning. And I don’t know how to tell them. I feel physically sick and panicky any time I think about telling them my truth.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am insanely happy about my new self. Happier and more free than I ever thought I could feel. As a Christian I felt guilty and ashamed about the things that brought me joy, for example having sex with the love of my life, Ethan. Ethan has been my everything for almost eight years now, and we’ve had a physical relationship for most of that time. But we weren’t married until 3 years ago, so much of our relationship would have been considered “sinful.” And I hated that. I hated that banging with my favorite person in the world before we were married was considered wrong in the eyes of the church and our families, and “God.” What the hell is so wrong with love?? I couldn’t understand why it was so wrong to them. I felt guilty about that for awhile, but eventually the guilt was too much and along the way somewhere I must have rationalized it to the point where I didn’t think “God” cared or thought it was a sin, (because it really was actions of love!) and I let go of the guilt and shame, and felt so much better about it!

 

I guess that there’s a lot more of this kind of thing in my life that I could go on about, but either it’s not as important to mention right now, or I’m still working on reconciling it within myself. (“Reconciling”… that seems like such a Christianese word. Do non-Christians use this word regularly? Ugh. Still so much retraining of my brain to do. It really has been fuckingdrilled into me since birth.) Thanks for reading my little bit of my story and how I discovered my true, joyful, unashamedly me, me. I’d appreciate some feedback and some “hell yeahs!” from the choir (excuse the metaphor. see? i’m still figuring it out.). Thanks! 
    

[TABA]

Hell yeah!!!

 

Hi Grace, and welcome to our community! Your testimony (or ex-timony as we apostates call it) is so well written and so heartfelt.  I hope it did you good to share it with us.  

 

I’m so sorry for the grief you endured at such a young age with the tragic loss of Sydnee.  I’m thankful that you have somebody like Ethan as your partner in life.  How does he regard your deconversion?

 

I’m not sure how to advise you with regard to your family.  It might be good to open up some distance between you and them: maybe physical distance as well as being somewhat less involved with them.  It would be good for you to have friends whose lives do no not revolve around religion. They don’t have to be unbelievers necessarily, though that would be good too.

 

As regards letting your family know about your deconversion, the cold-turkey approach (guess what: I’m an atheist!) is generally not a good idea.  Maybe you could communicate that you’ve been questioning aspects of fundamentalist Christianity.  You don’t want to lie or be insincere if possible, but it might be better to gradually introduce them to your newfound approach to life.  

 

And finally - congratulations on the journey you’ve made. I’m happy to hear how your life has improved since you’ve given up the beliefs that could no longer stand up to reason. Deconversion is a process, not a single event, so give yourself time to adjust to things. Most people seem to find it helpful to stay around here, reading and maybe commenting at your leisure. There’s a lot of wisdom in this community.  We’re glad you’re here!

[MOHO]

Hellllllllllllllllll, Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, @graceofgrace!!!!!

 

Welcome to Ex-C and congrats on your ability and willingness to think your way out of the mind control and the social pressure of the fold. 

 

1 hour ago, graceofgrace said:

Except that really is total bullshit, because why would anyone want to be besties with a being that would willingly let you suffer through your entire life? And for what? So you could spend “eternity” with him? Sounds like some overly possessive insecure-ass dickhead to me. Abusive, really.

 

Bingo!

The Bible was obviously written by egotistical, bigoted, maniacal, control-freak ass-hats of yore. 

 

1 hour ago, graceofgrace said:

I felt guilty about that for awhile, but eventually the guilt was too much and along the way somewhere I must have rationalized it to the point where I didn’t think “God” cared or thought it was a sin, (because it really was actions of love!) and I let go of the guilt and shame, and felt so much better about it!

 

Guilt and shame. Guilt and shame.  The tools of a controlling, abusive spouse and....um...what else? Oh yeah a fucking fundy-ass church/pastor that's what!

 

As far as telling your fams: I had to learn the hard way that honesty is, by far, the best policy - even if you fear the outcome. When I finally told Mrs. MOHO (scream'n, no-holds fundy) she informed me that keeping it a secret was more disturbing to her than the un-belief. But she is not your parents and, if they will cut you out of the will, and it's a sizable sum, then keep it a secret. Otherwise let it RIP and, if they shun you, well...you still have Ethan.

[Geezer]

Welcome Grace. All of our deconversion stories are different, but they also share many similiarities too. We've all had that light bulb moment when we suddenly realized the Bible simply isn't true. There is a huge amount of historical evidence that confirms that, so that isn't a faith issue. Christianity is based on faith precisely because there isn't any evidence that confirms that it's true.

 

I think you have already discovered that true freedom isn't found in Christ. True freedom is freedom from Christ & Christianity. Fear is Christianity's true motivator. An all knowing all seeing invisible Deity is watching you 24/7 and taking notes for that promised final Judgement Day. Will your good works be enough to save you on that day? Probably not.

 

Once you take those religious blinders off it becomes obvious that Christianity is but one of many man made religions. And religious historians have a ton of evidence that proves it. There is no God, no Jesus, and no supernatural realm. This life is all we have there isn't anything else. 

 

Glad you found this site. You are among likeminded folk here. 

[Lerk]

Do you have to tell them? I know it may feel important, but it might be easier to just let them think (at some point in the future) that you drifted away gradually. If it doesn't affect your day-to-day life, then why do something that's going to end up being traumatic.

 

On the other hand, if you live near them and still have to go to church with them, by all means find a way out of it. Whatever you do, you don't want their belief in mythology to impact your life any more than it has to.

 

Welcome aboard!

[florduh]

Welcome!

 

You are now at default position. No preconceptions, just reality. I think you'll like it.

[graceofgrace]

4 hours ago, ThereAndBackAgain said:

Hell yeah!!!

 

Hi Grace, and welcome to our community! Your testimony (or ex-timony as we apostates call it) is so well written and so heartfelt.  I hope it did you good to share it with us.  

 

I’m so sorry for the grief you endured at such a young age with the tragic loss of Sydnee.  I’m thankful that you have somebody like Ethan as your partner in life.  How does he regard your deconversion?

 

I’m not sure how to advise you with regard to your family.  It might be good to open up some distance between you and them: maybe physical distance as well as being somewhat less involved with them.  It would be good for you to have friends whose lives do no not revolve around religion. They don’t have to be unbelievers necessarily, though that would be good too.

 

As regards letting your family know about your deconversion, the cold-turkey approach (guess what: I’m an atheist!) is generally not a good idea.  Maybe you could communicate that you’ve been questioning aspects of fundamentalist Christianity.  You don’t want to lie or be insincere if possible, but it might be better to gradually introduce them to your newfound approach to life.  

 

And finally - congratulations on the journey you’ve made. I’m happy to hear how your life has improved since you’ve given up the beliefs that could no longer stand up to reason. Deconversion is a process, not a single event, so give yourself time to adjust to things. Most people seem to find it helpful to stay around here, reading and maybe commenting at your leisure. There’s a lot of wisdom in this community.  We’re glad you’re here!

Hi @ThereAndBackAgain! It’s great hearing such a welcoming and kind response. Thanks for your words. 

 

To address your question about Ethan, I would say he’s definitely had a similar journey. Maybe not quite as extreme as I have, but he’s gone through a similar questioning period and frustration with the church in general. I don’t think that at this point he’s completely joined “the dark side” lolz, but I’m still definitely able to talk with him about how I’m feeling about the whole situation. I think he still wants to find a context where Christianity actually makes sense in today’s society, for example, ACTUALLY helping the poor, (not just “loving them because I have to” and sending them home with their cardboard box full of the discarded food from the back of guilt-ridden people’s pantries), taking care of the earth in realistic and productive ways, and helping others to gain a deeper understanding of how to obtain unity and clarity amongst each other. I agree with all of these visions, but I don’t really get why the church has to be the place where we do our part to make that happen. Anyway, hopefully we’ll find a common ground to figure that out soon.

 

My family, on the other hand, is a completely different story. They live in Pennsylvania and I’m in Massachusetts, so I don’t get to see them more than a few times every year anyway. I really just don’t engage with them much, other than the weekly phone call to check in. I still love them, but I know that they just aren’t going to look at my new lifestyle fondly, so I’ve been putting it off. Part of me thinks that telling them the truth would be amazing so I wouldn’t have the pressure of lying to them any more. After all, if they don’t know the true me, do they really love me all? On the other hand, it seems kinda selfish to come out to them because I think they would take it personally and cause them more pain than it’s worth. All that for what? So I don’t have to hide who I am, but they still have to hide who I am from everyone else they know? I don’t know. I know that I can only take responsibility for my own actions and reactions.

 

Anyways, I’ve gots Lots more thinking to do! Will definitely be hanging out on the site for awhile, it’s been super helpful. Today sharing my story was a big step for me, and I’m glad I was able to get it out and get responses from people who just get it. Thanks a lot!!

[TruthSeeker0]

Welcome!

[disillusioned]

Welcome! Very glad that you found us,  and that you found your way out. 

[Tsathoggua9]

Welcome aboard. Thanks for sharing your story!

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Welcome, @graceofgrace! You'll find that a lot of people here share your feelings. I helps to get some validation for sanity when you're around people like that. I hope sharing your story with the people here helps you resolve those complex thoughts and feelings!

[FreeFromGuilt]

On 8/30/2018 at 1:22 PM, graceofgrace said:

Essentially, be perfect, but don’t worry you can’t, because Jesus is the only one who is perfect, but here’s some unrealistic expectations for you now anyways because that’s just how it is.

A major reason for my deconversion!