De-converting was crazy

[Jesus]

If someone told me that I would be on this website posting about de-converting from Christianity, I would have said laughed at the idea. Then probably started praying for that person to come to Jesus and for him to lift the veil from their eyes so that they could come to the truth. 

My name is Aaron, and I’m an ex-Christian lol! Is this what an AA meeting is like? This is awesome. I feel like I’m 16 again, rebelling against the machine all over again. I became a Christian when I was 18 years old. I attended a very loving church with an extremely empathetic pastor. For the first 4 years or so of my conversion I was extremely happy and very involved in my faith. I held bible studies, witnessed to many people, and even led some close friends to Christ during that time. I was forced to attend Methodist services as a kid with my mom but I hated it. When I became a “born again” believer it was a huge event in my life. I experienced a radical change and stopped using illicit drugs and partying and improved my grades enough to graduate high school. I was basically a kid who felt very lost and alone and Jesus gave me something I didn’t have before. I was what you would call an “on fire” Christian. I ate this stuff up. I was like a sponge. For the first few months after I became a Christian I read the Bible for at least 4 hours a day. Sometimes as much as 6-8 hours. I loved going to church. Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday etc. If church was open, I was there.

Anyway, at 22 I joined the Marine Coprs as an infantryman. I just recently got out after 14 years. While I was a Marine I went to Iraq, Kuwait, Philippines, Japan, Australia, Afghanistan, just about everywhere I guess. After I joined the Marines, or even slightly before, I was in a “backslide” as some call it. I was very much a believer but I no longer was “on fire.” I basically just felt guilty all the time. Through the years, I was up and down in my faith. Always chasing those early days of my faith when I felt so good about everything. So sure of my salvation. My first church I got saved in was a Baptist Church in Texas. It would be considered more of a non denominational church though. They had a band and always made alter calls at the end of service. That sort of thing. I tried to find that in California but I never did. The closest thing was Calvary Chapel. But I never really felt connected to a church like I did the first one. 

Through the years of bible study, I found numerous contradictions in the Bible. I wasn’t researching them online. I was finding them in my own. Very early on this happened. The first one I remember or one of the first ones was Judas’ death. Another one was conflicting accounts of the same story of David counting the army in Samuel and Chronicles. Actually there were several contradictions I found in Chronicles where numbers and names were off. I went to the pastor and he explained them I’m sure the same way you’ve probably heard yourself if you’ve went to someone for clarity about scripture. So then I began reading apologetics. Case For Christ etc. I was always searching for more answers. But I always had that fear of finding out things I really didn’t want to know. I couldn’t even fathom this not being real because of the big conversion experience I had. But my questions got deeper and deeper over the years as I got older. Especially into my 30s. Understand that I converted my wife, her brother,  and her sister. I was as serious and strong a believer as anyone I know. And I felt more versed in the Bible than most as well. So these were serious problems I was having in my mind. Meanwhile I also cannot live it anymore. I was a Marine. I was a part of a warrior culture in every sense. I was just having internal conflict in general after a while with all of it. My self esteem was really suffering because of the unrelenting guilt. God it was bad. I felt guilty all the time. 

I stated having serious issues on my Iraq deployment. My platoon sergeant was killed and I knew he was not a Christian. He was a good dude and I had a real problem with believing he was in hell. Not just him but the Iraqi civilians that sometimes got caught in the middle and were killed. They were Muslim and didn’t believe in jesus either. And this bothered me. And for years I had all this guilt that we had sent people to hell. Fast forward to this past year. I heard about the Epic of Gilgamesh and then I watched a video or series of videos on YouTube one night. My mind was blown. Absolutely blown away. I had finally started to thoroughly research non religious sources for all these questions I had had. I was a sponge all over again. Day and night reading. Mind blown over and over. This was all fake? I had to reevaluate everything I had ever known. I had this strong feeling that I had been in this system of control. The more I researched the more I was floored. Literally. For about a week I was depressed. I was extremely disturbed at all I had learned. Because I was no longer trying to spiritualize the Bible or the contradictions. What am I now? Atheist? That one didn’t fit for me. I knew I believed in the concept

of a higher being, god, the universe or whatever you want to call “it.” I just didn’t even know what that even meant. I definitely had zero belief in the god of the Bible and had zero interest in religion. After about a week I came to the realization that I just didn’t have all the answers and that was ok. I accept it. That’s when I had a strong feeling that everything was ok. And I became very excited about living a new life at 37. It’s like I got re-saved. Or the realization that I was never lost. I found myself again so to speak. And it was and still is amazing. I absolutely love life now. I’m very interested in hearing others stories and what they believe. Naturally because before I had all the answers and thought I had the truth. Now I’m very open. I’ll never go to another religion but I feel very spiritual (not sure if that’s the right word) in the sense that I just feel connected to everything and everyone. Before it was such a “us vs them” mentality. I think that’s why I feel that way. I don’t pray anymore but I found that taking to myself is still a positive thing. I’m just so excited about life now and for my family. I even called off a divorce and got my marriage back on track. I’ve so much enjoyed learning subjects that I was previously afraid to learn about. I’ve really enjoyed reading Allan Watts and others like him. But I’ve also enjoyed hearing atheists lecture and agnostics. I’m not sure what I would classify myself as now (maybe a deist?) and not sure it even matters. In fact it doesn’t. That’s the beauty of life for me now. I'm living it on my terms without religion! Ugh! What a drag that life was. So free to be out of it. Never looking back. 

 

Super excited to be here and happy to be apart of this community. Proud EX-christian! 

[TABA]

Hi Aaron and welcome to our community!  Your feeling of amazement at your deconversion is familiar to many of us here.  So many of us could not imagine ever leaving Christianity either, but for whatever reason we are the ones who could not ignore the questions - and here we are!

 

Your feeling of relief at no longer having to hold the belief system together is very familiar to me too. Now you can explore any idea without worrying whether it fits with Christianity. You can make up your own mind about moral issues.  Some people find this unsettling and that’s understandable, but in time it becomes liberating and exciting.  You’re seeing this already, aren’t you?

 

You may have read that deconversion is a process, rather than a single event, and it can take years for the Christian mindset to fade away.  But declaring yourself as an ex-Christian - even if only to an online community like this - is a big milestone, so congratulations to you!  

 

I hope you don’t mind this first Welcome being from an Army guy!  I was Army National Guard Aviation for 9 years but unlike you I had no combat deployments, only Bosnia.  So Bravo Zulu to you for your service, brother!  

 

I hope you’ll stay around to read and share more of your deconversion with us.  There’s a lot of experience and wisdom in this community. But for now, just Welcome. We’re glad you’re here. 

[Joshpantera]

1 hour ago, Aaron81 said:

My name is Aaron, and I’m an ex-Christian lol! Is this what an AA meeting is like? This is awesome. I feel like I’m 16 again, rebelling against the machine all over again.

 

*Hi Aaron!*

 

 

 

 

[ag_NO_stic]

On 9/4/2018 at 9:30 PM, Aaron81 said:

I just didn’t even know what that even meant. I definitely had zero belief in the god of the Bible and had zero interest in religion. After about a week I came to the realization that I just didn’t have all the answers and that was ok. I accept it. That’s when I had a strong feeling that everything was ok. And I became very excited about living a new life at 37. It’s like I got re-saved. Or the realization that I was never lost. I found myself again so to speak. And it was and still is amazing. I absolutely love life now. I’m very interested in hearing others stories and what they believe. Naturally because before I had all the answers and thought I had the truth. Now I’m very open. I’ll never go to another religion but I feel very spiritual (not sure if that’s the right word) in the sense that I just feel connected to everything and everyone. Before it was such a “us vs them” mentality. I think that’s why I feel that way. I don’t pray anymore but I found that taking to myself is still a positive thing. I’m just so excited about life now and for my family.

 

I felt like I had been re-saved too, after some time passed. At first it felt like everything I had ever cared about was being ripped away from me. Like I was being dragged to hell against my will just because I was daring to think for myself a little bit. Then, "the scales fell from my eyes," and where "I was once was blind, now I see." Such joyous freedom, it's hard to describe!

 

I am very interested in the deconversion similarities and differences between people raised in christianity and people who choose it on their own as younger adults. I was born and raised in a pretty fundamental household, homeschooled even, so I had no chance really of learning mainstream historical and/or scientific thought. My deconversion, while helping me to feel empowered now, was me looking hell directly in the face and flicking it off. It's liberating. Christians like to talk about chains, but they have no idea.

 

Welcome, looking forward to your posts. I enjoyed reading your story!

[Tsathoggua9]

Hey, welcome aboard!

[MOHO]

Welcome to Ex-C, @Aaron81!

 

That's quite an extimony there. 

Congrats on finding your way out of the mind control. That is, for most of us, no small feat and anyone who can pull it off is to be commended. 

 

My fams went to Calvary in the O.C. and attend a Calvary associated church here in Oregon. I do not attend. 

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

[TruthSeeker0]

Welcome!

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Welcome, @Aaron81! It really encourages me that that absurdity of hell is one of the things that made you step out of the whole thing. It really messed me up and disturbed me how people use Xianity to casually espouse some of the cruelest things you can possibly say. I mean, holy hell, why would you want ETERNAL NONENDING PUNISHMENT FOR NO REASON BUT FOR THE SAKE OF PUNISHMENT to somebody, and to actually be ENCOURAGED by this belief??

[TruthSeeker0]

1 hour ago, DestinyTurtle said:

@Aaron81 I mean, holy hell, why would you want ETERNAL NONENDING PUNISHMENT FOR NO REASON BUT FOR THE SAKE OF PUNISHMENT to somebody, and to actually be ENCOURAGED by this belief??

Sure says something about us humans. Christianity and any other belief system provide really good evidence for the capability of people to passively accept messaging and indoctrination without thinking critically of it. And the hell thing is what keeps people in line. I find it really hard to be around my religious family because their dysfunctional thinking drives me crazy and I have such a hard time keeping quiet. All I want to do is shout, "you call this LOVE?"

[Jesus]

Thank you guys! Shit was crazy hard to get through in my mind at first. This all just happened in July so it’s been quite a ride of emotions. In the beginning or at the onset it’s not a good feeling to have all of your belief system shatter to pieces. But once you get to the place in your mind where you realize it could all just be bullshit...that’s when the mother ship pulls you out of the Matrix and you see everything in 3D high def color! I held my mouth open in utter shock and amazement when I realized how deep the rabbit hole goes. I’m so glad I got out of it but it feels like I was drawn out. I searched and searched for answers and I just can’t believe that I got myself out of it. Great times we are living in. I hope many many more find a way out. To all

of you who commented, thank you once again. I look forward to sharing more when I have the time. 

[Lerk]

On 9/4/2018 at 8:30 PM, Aaron81 said:

It’s like I got re-saved

 

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free! That's one of the few true statements in the Bible.

[TruthSeeker0]

2 hours ago, Lerk said:

 

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free! That's one of the few true statements in the Bible.

Yes, I remember that line came to my mind after I read Richard Dawkins. No surprise it's my favourite bible quote

[VerbosityCat]

"lift the veil from their eyes" Oh man, that takes me back. It's been so long since I deconverted I can't remember if there was a time I wouldn't have believed I would deconvert. I was pretty much always dissatisfied with Christianity and "hoping it wasn't true."

[VerbosityCat]

Oh and to be like an AA meeting you have to tell us how long it's been since you last spoke to biblegod.

[VerbosityCat]

On 9/8/2018 at 11:45 AM, DestinyTurtle said:

Welcome, @Aaron81! It really encourages me that that absurdity of hell is one of the things that made you step out of the whole thing. It really messed me up and disturbed me how people use Xianity to casually espouse some of the cruelest things you can possibly say. I mean, holy hell, why would you want ETERNAL NONENDING PUNISHMENT FOR NO REASON BUT FOR THE SAKE OF PUNISHMENT to somebody, and to actually be ENCOURAGED by this belief??

 

I remember when I first left Xtianity feeling like there was just no way to be a part of a belief system that condemned nonbelievers to hell, but without that stick, there was very little appeal left to the religion.

[Jesus]

On 9/11/2018 at 2:12 PM, Cat987 said:

Oh and to be like an AA meeting you have to tell us how long it's been since you last spoke to biblegod.

Haha! That’s a great question. Just the other day as a matter of fact. I reached out to a friend who I was a mentor to years back when we were young. He was part of the youth group and I in a college level bible study. We were friends for several years and got a long really well. We have kept in touch over the last 20 years. Well..after I told him that I deconverted it didn’t go over well. I told him because I felt it was important and I also felt guilty in a way because I know how deceptive and destructive Christianity can be. He simply could not believe that I didn’t believe anymore and it was rather sad to have him react that way. He kept asking me this question, “to what end” in response to where my life goes from here. Which was super annoying by the way because I knew what this was leading to. At the end of the conversation it was concluded that I was going to hell. This was my first time feeling persecuted for my new belief lol! But in our conversation he kept alluding that I could return to my faith even after I said over and over I no longer believed. I was tempted (tempted lol) to verbally say F-U Holy Spirit in order to drive the point home but I decided not to. One of the reasons I chose not to was because I had a slight fear of saying those words. So a few days ago while sitting on the porch on my front yard I was still going over our conversation and I decided to say it. Out loud, “F-U Holy Spirit.” Well I guess I’m a real Apostate now. Now there’s no turning back I guess because according to scripture I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit.

 

So, that was the last time I talked to the biblical Psychopath, otherwise known as GOD. From time to time I talk to the universe (God, higher power or whatever you want to call “it”) because...well because I’m not sure. I guess It feels good to sometimes and I remember doing it before I was a Jesus follower. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m definitely not addressing a religious god that’s for sure. But I certainly can’t prove it does anything nor am I a mystic. We might be a simulation in some multi-level universe for all I know! At the moment, I’m a little like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. I’ve just lost Wilson in the damn ocean and I’m still working sh**t out lol. 

 

Thank you all again for the feedback and encouragement! You guys are the best 

[ConsiderTheSource]

18 minutes ago, Aaron81 said:

I was tempted (tempted lol) to verbally say F-U Holy Spirit in order to drive the point home

 

I was pushed to the wall by our closest legacy church friends.  The only way to drive the point home was to say "Fuck the Holy Spirit".   

 

It worked.  Have not troubled me since.

[VerbosityCat]

45 minutes ago, Aaron81 said:

Haha! That’s a great question. Just the other day as a matter of fact. I reached out to a friend who I was a mentor to years back when we were young. He was part of the youth group and I in a college level bible study. We were friends for several years and got a long really well. We have kept in touch over the last 20 years. Well..after I told him that I deconverted it didn’t go over well. I told him because I felt it was important and I also felt guilty in a way because I know how deceptive and destructive Christianity can be. He simply could not believe that I didn’t believe anymore and it was rather sad to have him react that way. He kept asking me this question, “to what end” in response to where my life goes from here. Which was super annoying by the way because I knew what this was leading to. At the end of the conversation it was concluded that I was going to hell. This was my first time feeling persecuted for my new belief lol! But in our conversation he kept alluding that I could return to my faith even after I said over and over I no longer believed. I was tempted (tempted lol) to verbally say F-U Holy Spirit in order to drive the point home but I decided not to. One of the reasons I chose not to was because I had a slight fear of saying those words. So a few days ago while sitting on the porch on my front yard I was still going over our conversation and I decided to say it. Out loud, “F-U Holy Spirit.” Well I guess I’m a real Apostate now. Now there’s no turning back I guess because according to scripture I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit.

 

So, that was the last time I talked to the biblical Psychopath, otherwise known as GOD. From time to time I talk to the universe (God, higher power or whatever you want to call “it”) because...well because I’m not sure. I guess It feels good to sometimes and I remember doing it before I was a Jesus follower. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m definitely not addressing a religious god that’s for sure. But I certainly can’t prove it does anything nor am I a mystic. We might be a simulation in some multi-level universe for all I know! At the moment, I’m a little like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. I’ve just lost Wilson in the damn ocean and I’m still working sh**t out lol. 

 

Thank you all again for the feedback and encouragement! You guys are the best 

 

 

Oh man, that "to what end" ugh. It's so sad really that their entire life revolves around this belief system to the point that they literally cannot fathom someone being happy and a good person without religion. I can't remember if I ever officially "blasphemed the holy spirit" or not. I get why you felt the need to do that, but to me it feels like it's more intent, you know? Like my absolute hatred and contempt for biblegod and the insano religion from which he sprung I'm sure qualifies me for the blasphemer's club.

 

As for praying to "whatever". I pray to my ancestors so you don't have to explain yourself to me. Even if it's the equivalent of throwing salt over your shoulder, it's not attached to any dogma that is trapping you. You may get to a point where you don't do that. Or you may not. Everybody is different. The important part is you were able to extract yourself from a faith system that was causing you harm.

[NeverHealed52Years]

1 hour ago, Aaron81 said:

At the moment, I’m a little like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. I’ve just lost Wilson in the damn ocean and I’m still working sh**t out lol. 

That's me That's ME.. I have lost the one and only thing I was hanging onto to help my unbearable life....and now by letting Go of BibleGod I have nothing....I am terrified..

 

I absolutely loved Castaway and Forrest Gump...both movies have Soooooooo much underlying nuances and messages etc and more.... I always only want to watch something one time and am bored to repeat because I already know the plot, script etc. BUT, these two movies I can watch again and again...

[Jesus]

27 minutes ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

That's me That's ME.. I have lost the one and only thing I was hanging onto to help my unbearable life....and now by letting Go of BibleGod I have nothing....I am terrified..

 

I absolutely loved Castaway and Forrest Gump...both movies have Soooooooo much underlying nuances and messages etc and more.... I always only want to watch something one time and am bored to repeat because I already know the plot, script etc. BUT, these two movies I can watch again and again...

Totally feel you. For about a week I felt lost. Truly lost. Alone in the sense of the entire universe. I explored atheism briefly but for me personally, that required as much faith as Christianity did. But I can completely understand why a lot of ex Christians are atheists (man it is so refreshing to accept people for who they are.) But I slowly began to realize that I still believe in God (higher power, the universe, etc). Not the biblical god or anything like that. I just had the sense that I knew that the universe wasn’t an accident. Something happened, that’s all I knew. I consider myself agnostic more than anything but I lean towards a deist belief. I definitely beleive in energy and the law of attraction. But something special began to happen. I began to think and feel connected to everyone and everything around me. There was a sense that I could do anything. 

The Bible says you are born in sin. Worthless. Nothing you do is good. Therefore you need Jesus. And even when you have him, you don’t get to credit yourself with anything good, only bad. I never realized how much damage that did to my psyche. I had given up my true self for this religion and I had been burying it way down deep. 

What truly gave me peace was when I accepted that I will never have the answers. I then accepted death as a part of life. It’s nothing to worry about. Acceptance is key. 

Look, you are a complete person right now in this moment. You are fine the way you are. Whatever that is. It’s time to make your own decisions and give yourself credit for the good you do. You’ve got a DNA code inside of you that connects you to the planet and this universe. You are an amazing creature, capable of almost unimaginable feats. All the power you need is already inside of you. I firmly believe that. After 14 years in the Marine Corps infantry and 2 combat deployments, I assure you that the mind is EXTREMELY powerful. You can get though anything. Anything. So, continue to pursue truth and accept whatever you find is true for you. Continue to explore yourself with this new found knowledge. Look within. What you did took guts! You looked the Bible god in the face and said, “Fuck you, I choose hell.” That’s bad ass! Give yourself a ton of credit and understand you did what most people can’t do. Find your happiness and don’t look back. 

 

Take care! 

[TruthSeeker0]

@NeverHealed52YearsI really second the words above ^^^. To examine the Christian god and find him lacking, and decide that you can move on in your life and will thrive without him, is truly courageous, the kind of courageous a good many Christians don't have. And yes it can be a little terrifying at first. One of the things that helped me so well was reading, and learning about the psychological control mechanisms I had been subjected to, and how to recover and begin to explore my true self. I highly recommend Marlene Winell's book Leaving the Fold, she's a psychologist herself, and what she says in there has a lot of teaching moments for how to recover your inner child or true self, the one christianity took away from you, and learn to treat yourself with compassion and kindness. That is a really hard thing to do when all of your life you've believed you're a sinner and lacking. You can also check out her website http://marlenewinell.net/recovery-harmful-religion

Another thing that is really beneficial is reading enough bible critique that the book itself loses it's status as Truth or Power. Once that is accomplished, the power of the words just isn't there anymore, and you can put them in their true context. Look at it this way: the only reason why we have a remaining fear of the Christian god or the bible after deconversion is because we were brought up in that specific tradition. We don't fear the Muslim or Hindu god(s), or attribute any power to them. And the same will be the case for the christian god and bible once enough education has distanced us from the power they once held over us.

[TruthSeeker0]

4 hours ago, NeverHealed52Years said:

That's me That's ME.. I have lost the one and only thing I was hanging onto to help my unbearable life....and now by letting Go of BibleGod I have nothing....I am terrified..

 

Letting go of the Christian bible god does not mean that you must let go of any belief in a god or higher power. For some, that remains, and that is totally ok. I don't believe in a god, if I have one, it's the universe and the natural world, and the way in which we're all connected to each other here. It's spirituality more than any belief in a god. You might find this section of the forums interesting, you can get permission from a mod to enter https://www.ex-christian.net/forum/30-ex-christian-spirituality/

[NeverHealed52Years]

10 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Letting go of the Christian bible god does not mean that you must let go of any belief in a god or higher power. For some, that remains, and that is totally ok. I don't believe in a god, if I have one, it's the universe and the natural world, and the way in which we're all connected to each other here. It's spirituality more than any belief in a god. You might find this section of the forums interesting, you can get permission from a mod to enter https://www.ex-christian.net/forum/30-ex-christian-spirituality/

 

Thank you for reminding me of this. I keep forgetting that I  have experienced that there is more then one "Something" out there that is NOT the BibleGod.

I need to focus on finding it again! I get scared and feel empty and emotional sometimes and forget. Thank you again!

[NeverHealed52Years]

13 hours ago, Aaron81 said:

Totally feel you. For about a week I felt lost. Truly lost. Alone in the sense of the entire universe. I explored atheism briefly but for me personally, that required as much faith as Christianity did. But I can completely understand why a lot of ex Christians are atheists (man it is so refreshing to accept people for who they are.) But I slowly began to realize that I still believe in God (higher power, the universe, etc). Not the biblical god or anything like that. I just had the sense that I knew that the universe wasn’t an accident. Something happened, that’s all I knew. I consider myself agnostic more than anything but I lean towards a deist belief. I definitely beleive in energy and the law of attraction. But something special began to happen. I began to think and feel connected to everyone and everything around me. There was a sense that I could do anything. 

The Bible says you are born in sin. Worthless. Nothing you do is good. Therefore you need Jesus. And even when you have him, you don’t get to credit yourself with anything good, only bad. I never realized how much damage that did to my psyche. I had given up my true self for this religion and I had been burying it way down deep. 

What truly gave me peace was when I accepted that I will never have the answers. I then accepted death as a part of life. It’s nothing to worry about. Acceptance is key. 

Look, you are a complete person right now in this moment. You are fine the way you are. Whatever that is. It’s time to make your own decisions and give yourself credit for the good you do. You’ve got a DNA code inside of you that connects you to the planet and this universe. You are an amazing creature, capable of almost unimaginable feats. All the power you need is already inside of you. I firmly believe that. After 14 years in the Marine Corps infantry and 2 combat deployments, I assure you that the mind is EXTREMELY powerful. You can get though anything. Anything. So, continue to pursue truth and accept whatever you find is true for you. Continue to explore yourself with this new found knowledge. Look within. What you did took guts! You looked the Bible god in the face and said, “Fuck you, I choose hell.” That’s bad ass! Give yourself a ton of credit and understand you did what most people can’t do. Find your happiness and don’t look back.  

 

Take care! 

 

aaron81, Soooo  awesome. Thank you. I was never allowed to be ME, A PERSON during my whole childhood and then to fix that mess I went 100%  ALL IN BibleGod religion which keeps us "dead to SELF", "totally oppressed"  and much more (as you know). What you wrote has reminded me to try to finally be a person, ME, whoever and whatever that may be.

 

I can do this. I can do this. I just need to Buck-Up inside yet again. I have had to Buck-Up millions of times to get through the Hell I have lived. Reading your awesome words makes me feel like I can do it again! I will just keep telling myself I CAN DO THIS.

[Jesus]