My Story

[jvstater]

Hi guys! I'm 23 years old male about a year out of college, and officially decided to leave religion about 6 months ago. This has simultaneously been the best and scariest decision of my life. I think parts of my story are fairly unique, even for a forum labeled "ex-Christians". I grew up with a Catholic mom and an evangelical dad. I sort of got the "worst of both worlds" so to speak, the rigid authoritarianism and superstition of the Catholic church, along with the loony politics and weird spirituality of the Pentecostal evangelical movement.

 

My parents met at a college Christian group that was associated with a larger organization called the "Sword of the Spirit". As far as I can tell, the Sword of the Spirit is fairly unique as far as cults go. There are actually some quite positive aspects of it. For example, it calls for the unity of all Christians (hence my mom and dad), and the craziest elements of cults were noticeably absent (for instance, I am unaware of any abuse scandals, and there is more democratic leadership as opposed to one tyrannical leader). Nonetheless, I would consider it a cult for a few reasons. First is how the people inside the group acted. Almost all of my parents' friends were members of the community, and this was not uncommon. This bubble created an environment were critical thinking was almost nowhere to be found. Second, there was a heavy emphasis on the gifts of the Holy Spirit, especially the gifts of tongues and prophecy. Almost everyone in the group (including me) believed that the Lord could talk authoritatively through them into their own and other people's lives. Finally, there was a feeling of superiority, that we were somehow a "chosen people" by God, called for a crucial task in serving the Church. My dad implied multiple times that he believed the community was the most important thing happening on Earth right now. There was even a famous prophecy to back it up, that the Sword of the Spirit was a "bulwark" for God's kingdom, that our communities were the first line of defense that God had placed on Earth to protect his church from Satan (this seems almost laughable now considering how little impact we actually have on the church as a whole, evidence by the fact that I guarantee you've never heard of us).

 

I was a gullible and neurotic child and really took everything my parents taught me to heart. I remember being kept up at night as a child, terrified of hell and Satan. I had a difficult time making friends, not so much because I was an abnormally awkward kid, but because my parents didn't allow me to watch the same movies and play the same video games and go to the same birthday parties as the other kids. They were always very strict and over-sheltering, which I believe stunted my social growth.

 

We moved when I was in middle school, which made things even more difficult for me. Towards the beginning of high school, I began to take my faith more seriously, and became obsessed with different parts of the Bible. I developed Scrupulosity, or "Religious OCD", and suffered from it throughout high school. My mental health really took a turn for the worse toward my 10th grade year, which prompted me to research my condition. When I finally picked up the courage to tell my dad about my illness, he didn't believe me. Due to this I never received the treatment I should have. This was the beginning of my crisis of faith that eventually led to where I am today.

 

I remained a devoted follower of Christ into college, and even went to a college where I could be a part of the campus outreach run by the community, but I began questioning things. I started realizing that people never had great answers for me. This didn't particularly bother me, since my main reason for believing in God was that I "knew" Him directly through personal experience. But it did start to wear away at the "solid foundation" that I had been given as a child, and I stopped accepting things like Creationism and the absolute inerrancy of the Bible. 

 

Ironically enough, it was one of these so called "experiences of God" that caused me to drop my faith altogether. In the summer of my sophomore year, I attended a conference put on by the community. A lot of Christian groups emphasize "sexual purity", but few I've ever seen are as rigid about it as the Sword of the Spirit. As an ecumenical group, they combine the absolute paranoia of evangelicals with emphasis on life-long celibacy of the Catholics. At the conference, the speaker called us to consider taking a year off of dating. I had not been allowed to date in High School and really not had much success in college (shockingly!), but I felt the "movement of the Spirit" and had a religious experience that seemed to confirm what the speaker was saying. I got a chance to pray with him later, and he assured me that this impulse decision would be difficult, but that the Lord would bless me abundantly for it.

 

About four months later, I fell head over heels for a beautiful girl who worked at the front desk of my dorm. Not only that, but she really liked me too! We would laugh and talk for hours at the front desk. I had never had this effect on a girl I liked before. One small problem: I had made a commitment to the Creator of the universe that I would not date for the year. Every impulse in my body (literally haha) wanted to break my oath, but I knew that although the year would be a struggle for me, the Lord would "bless me abundantly" at the end.

 

Long story short, one of my best friends grew tired of waiting for me to ask her out and did it himself. And they're still dating to this day, over 3 years later. Not only did this rock me to the core, but it really hurt my relationship with my friend as well. I grew depressed and really started questioning. Was this really God's plan, to ruin my whole life over an impulse decision after a religious experience? I still cannot deny the experience itself, but I started questioning my interpretation of it. Was it really God, or was I swept away by the music and the hundreds of people around me who were just as into it as I am?

 

I moved away from my home after college for work, and to really take time to think about these things on my own. I began listening to lectures by people like Sam Harris and Bart Ehrman, and came to the intellectual conclusion that I had known deep down for years: this stuff just doesn't make logical sense. The fear of hell from my childhood and the anxiety from potentially losing friends and family were the last things that held me back, but about 6 months ago I decided it just wasn't worth it. Religion had cost me far too much. It made me constantly anxious, and socially inept. I hated the person I was becoming, and I needed a change.

 

I still struggle socially, and especially sexually, but I am slowly getting better. I'm still going through quite a bit though. I'm actually starting to be comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life! Despite this, I'm struggling to make friends. I'm struggling to get more than 3 dates with a girl. And last but not least, I'm struggling with finally coming out to my parents about my new beliefs (or rather, lack there of). I have no idea how they will respond to the idea that their first born son will be spending eternity in hell. I still get anxiety and panic attacks from time to time. I'm currently seeing a therapist, and she's great, but you can tell that deep down she can't really relate to what I'm going through. I guess that's why I joined this site. I still desperately crave the "community" aspect of the community, the support and love they gave me, no matter how judgmental it truly was. So I look forward to joining in discussions here, and I really hope I get the support, and can give the support, that I believe I need in this scary time of my life.

[Geezer]

Welcome jvstater. It seems every deconversion story has some unique elements, and yours certainly does too. I'm glad you found this site. I feel certain you will find this site helpful. Leaving religion is usually difficult and the journey is often long & treacherous. Family pressure is one of the more difficult aspects of the journey.

 

You will find a lot of likeminded folk here that will help make your journey somewhat easier. 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome! Those small cults are EVERYWHERE. I encountered a handful of them in my 30 years as a believers. Different flavors depending on the people involved, but always end up controlling lives of humans and indoctrinating in complete lies that seem to be true when the Bible is treated as authoritative and real. My own singles group at a Baptist church developed cult-like ideas, and a few of them tried to manipulate me and a woman to stop seeing each other because god didn't want it to happen. I showed them over and over again that they had no evidence of that, and that the leader himself was actually interested in her. We left and have been married for 20 years. We also had to cut off some nice people that we'd known for years because we really had nothing in common anymore, and increasingly so since we started enjoying a new life away from the church.

 

The emotional fears you feel about your parents reactions likely feel more powerful than they need to feel. Most of us went through separations from friends and family over our deconversions. We made it. Others try and stick it out and keep some kind of ties to their believing family, but there are inevitably ongoing conflicts with the controlling aspects of the cult (generally speaking Christianity is a popular cult). Some here are married to believers still. Your life is your own, and toxic people (whoever they may be) don't deserve your time. Keep walking or running towards your new found freedom.

 

Church messes up natural sexuality and human relationships. I had to overcome years of fear of females, learn to just be social, learn how to be more "alpha", and to see that there are a lot of females with whom I could enjoy spending time and perhaps more. The more time you can spend being involved with things you enjoy, the more you become you instead of being a drone of belief. Push yourself to do things like taking dance lessons of different kinds, maybe try singing, things that can get you with other people being humans and having fun. Sex is a natural thing, one of our most basic drives. That is why Christianity labels it as a problem and uses it to control people, it gives them a never-ending power over the believers. But as you find a life apart from the manipulation, you'll find yourself becoming more natural.

 

[MOHO]

Welcome to Ex-C, @jvstater.

 

Glad you found us.

 

Most here can empathise with you struggle as we've been there. Of course each struggle is a little different but most Who've deconverted had to deal with the fear of Hell (it goes away), loss of social structure, and the shunning by family members. Some even kick themselves for a while that they "lost" so much time and even money at the hands of the cult that is all religion and certainly Christianism. 

 

You are only 23 and have so much time ahead of you. You will rebound quickly, find the real JVStater and even find a nice young lady who is even more suited to you than the front desk girl - because you will know who you are - and that manifest itself as an air of confidence. 

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

 

[Jesus]

This was so well written. You have a lot of personal integrity and guts to come to the decision to leave that death cult.  

 

I echo the above comment that you have so much life ahead of you at 23. I am 37. I recently deconverted after 19 years. I so relate to what you are going through. In fact, I'm sure most on this forum do as well. It can be very tough, especially in the beginning. I hear you on the struggles you are having and I'd like to encourage you if I can. I certainly don't have all the answers, none of us do. That is why we are here. I will say that a lot of your insecurities will get better with age and growing as a man. Getting your confidence going takes time. You have looked at the world through this extremely small key hole and you thought you had it figured out. I mean, you had the truth! Now the door is open and you're realizing how little you know about the world or yourself for that matter. Don't stop reading, searching, learning, etc. The more you know the more you grow. My Dad always said, "you've got to go to hell before you get to heaven." Good thing for you is that it sounds like you have certainly gone through the hell part. I know that you have been through hell a lot of us on here went through something very similar (if not the same damn thing). The real hell; psychological hell. My heart aches knowing what you went through at you age. I think me being a little older (but probably more brainwashed) made it easier for me because i was less inclined to explain myself to anyone. Getting older makes you care less and less about what anyone thinks of you (including your parents).  

 

With all that said, you have the opportunity (and it looks like you are taking full advantage) to take life by the horns and make it your bitch. You realized something that millions of people never do. Not only that, you had the courage to do something about it. You took control of your life! That is so awesome that you did the personal research and were not afraid to explore where the facts led you.  

 

Be true to yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself. The rest is history, go and live your life. You're the author of your story now. Exciting times my friend, exciting times. 

[Joshpantera]

22 hours ago, jvstater said:

Was this really God's plan, to ruin my whole life over an impulse decision after a religious experience? I still cannot deny the experience itself, but I started questioning my interpretation of it. Was it really God, or was I swept away by the music and the hundreds of people around me who were just as into it as I am?

 

 

Welcome aboard! 

 

Get ready for the ride.....

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome jester (am I pronouncing that correctly?).

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Welcome, @jvstater! I feel you about feeling like your social opportunities and growth was stunted and having to play catch up... In a lot of ways my experience was similar, although the relevant cults in my case were different. I hope this website helps and cudos for making it here! Glad you're here!

[Hierophant]

@jvstater

 

Totally understand the Religious OCD aspect. I suffered from it for the better part of 15 years. The constant stress, anxiety, intrusive thoughts....it was a nightmare. I started to come unglued after a while. What you will come to find out is how much peace you will have months down the road. There will be some ripple effects, every now and then you will get yourself worked up wondering if you made a bad choice to leave the religion, I can only recommend that you keep learning about Christianity, it's orgins, what scholars actually have to say about the Bible, etc.  Look into books on Biblical criticism and it will open a whole new world for you that loosens the death grip of fear. Because lets be frank, that is the real god of Christianity, fear.

[PurpleLilac]

I’ve never heard of religious OCD but it explains a lot. 

My family was in a small,Pentecostal cult for a few years as well. 

 

[older]

1 hour ago, PurpleLilac said:

religious OCD

That's a great phrase. I think we've all run into some of those, or been one.

 

And I'll add to the welcome, jvstater. Looking forward to your future posts.