It's getting a lot easier to tell old friends...

[Insightful]

Hi everyone.  It's been just over 5 years since I officially told my wife (the first person I told) that I no longer believed in the tenets of evangelicalism...  Man, it's been a ride.  In the beginning, telling my Christian friends was excruciatingly painful.  I would have severe anxiety in the days leading up to the event, tremble as I spoke, and feel messed up for at least a week after.

 

I just emailed a very dear friend "D" who didn't know where I was at.  I've laid low for 5 years - in part because he is close to my brother-in-law "H", someone I did not want to find out about my unbelief.  Once my brother-in-law  "H" found out a few months ago, I felt free to reach out to "D" as I miss his friendship.  

 

It was SO easy to tell "D".  Almost ZERO anxiety.  I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about me on this issue any more.  And I LOVE that.

 

It took a long time to have confidence enough in what I believe and why and not to cower internally when others find out.

 

I think it was because at the time MY WHOLE WORLD knew me as this strong believer.  It felt like my very survival was threatened (which makes sense when you are conditioned to believe your "group" is everything and outside your "group" is only danger/peril/destruction).  Also, I was conditioned to "lean not on my own understanding".  I was taught that my reasoning is faulty at best... deceptive most probably.

 

The messed-up-ness of it all really runs deep, doesn't it?

 

Can anyone relate?

 

 

[TruthSeeker0]

Yes! It's been only two years since I started questioning, but it's getting easier every day. I'm still a little bit nervous about people potentially finding out about my atheism. But I told my parents, and once that hurdle was cleared, I found out I very much don't give a fuck what other people think of my beliefs.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

I can completely relate. It's a nice feeling - a strange kind of freedom.

 

I also think it's completely reasonable to be scared at first. I don't know your specific experience but in my experience of Xianity love and support was always conditional - conditional on the unconditional validation and agreement on my group's beliefs. Challenging that was a cardinal sin. Telling a family member that you don't believe - at the wrong time - could lead to homelessness and financial crisis. I think the comfortability of telling people about your unbelief can depend a lot on a careful re-balancing of other aspects of your life (financial and social) in such a way that it can't come back to bite you. 

 

In any case - glad you're in a good place! 

[TruthSeeker0]

Just now, DestinyTurtle said:

I can completely relate. It's a nice feeling - a strange kind of freedom.

 

I also think it's completely reasonable to be scared at first. I don't know your specific experience but in my experience of Xianity love and support was always conditional - conditional on the unconditional validation and agreement on my group's beliefs. Challenging that was a cardinal sin. Telling a family member that you don't believe - at the wrong time - could lead to homelessness and financial crisis. I think the comfortability of telling people about your unbelief can depend a lot on a careful re-balancing of other aspects of your life (financial and social) in such a way that it can't come back to bite you. 

 

In any case - glad you're in a good place! 

Totally. The only reason I'm a tad nervous is because I currently live with some religious family. However, I doubt there would be any consequences if it became known. Once you get yourself free of your previous social networks and start building some new ones, the fear over being found out just disappears.

[Insightful]

3 hours ago, DestinyTurtle said:

 I think the comfortability of telling people about your unbelief can depend a lot on a careful re-balancing of other aspects of your life (financial and social) in such a way that it can't come back to bite you. 

 

 

That's a really good point I hadn't thought of.  (You are more insightful than Insightful himself, haha!).

 

I have definitely rebalanced socially to where any fallout is negligible.

 

I've taken for granted the privilege I have being financially independent of the Christian world.  How tough it must be when one's income/food/shelter are tied to having faith (like being the stay at home parent or a clergy member).  

 

[Stargazer95]

I think I'll be mostly embarrassed when I tell people. My mind flashes back to my baptism three years ago. We had to give a short testimony, and in front of hundreds, I declared, "I almost became an atheist but God brought me back!"

 

Yikes.....*cringes internally* 

Now I'll have to tell people that....surprise! I don't believe anymore! And at some point maybe "I'm an atheist.....for real!" Of course, they'll probably see it as an excuse to think, "You see? She never really believed back then, and was secretly an atheist all along" 

 

*Eye roll* 

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

3 hours ago, Stargazer95 said:

"You see? She never really believed back then, and was secretly an atheist all along" 

That is what happened to me in the end. My mom told me "We suspected for years you weren't a real Xian" - even including the years in which I was actually earnest. Even when you're no longer a believer it kindof actually hurts - having all that energy and time you spent seeking the Xian god be dismissed. It's a mixed blessing though, because when they retroactively dismiss you like that there's less chance that they'll persistantly try to reconvert you - which seems to be the situation of some of the other members here. There are unique pains and hurtfulness associated with that, too.

[Stargazer95]

If anyone ever actually said it to me, I think I might go full beast mode lol. Like, how dare someone else tell ME what I did or didn't believe? As if THEY know MY heart. Ridiculous. I genuinely feel sorry for the poor bastard who tries it

[Geezer]

At some point, at it applies to religion, I think people stop caring what others think. I know I don't. 

[TruthSeeker0]

If you don't want to have the discussion in person but want to be found out just do what I did. Like a whole group of pages on Facebook that make it painfully obvious lol. Those are all public knowledge. And people will go snooping, it's entertainment in most churches, trying to pry into other people's lives. 

[MOHO]

Since coming out to Mrs. MOHO, and hearing her tell me that the lack of earlier forthcoming was more disturbing that my lack of belief, I have made it a point to express said lacking with fundy friends. No one has reacted with shock or disbelief in my disbelief. In fact some have given me a look that seems to be suggesting they have been pondering their own faith for some time. 

[TABA]

3 hours ago, MOHO said:

Since coming out to Mrs. MOHO, and hearing her tell me that the lack of earlier forthcoming was more disturbing that my lack of belief, I have made it a point to express said lacking with fundy friends. No one has reacted with shock or disbelief in my disbelief. In fact some have given me a look that seems to be suggesting they have been pondering their own faith for some time. 

 

Good for you!  This is important. When believers encounter non-believers, they may be forced to wrestle with key concepts like Hell, which we supposedly deserve.  Most believers prefer not to think about Hell and whether it makes sense.  They need to, and the more it happens the more will end up on our side.