MamaCaz Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Bear with me here, I'm going to try to make this coherent but, as with all things xtianity, there will be some weaving. Ok, so I'm a preacher's daughter (that is NOT the ironic part). I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 6. When I was 20 I married my highschool sweetheart, and that holy union lasted a whopping 1.5 years (almost 2 if you count the time we were separated before the divorce was finalized). I had been spiraling spiritually for a while, and after that I went full on heathen. All the while I was sinning I still knew I was saved, I was just grieving God and my sin separated me from him so that my prayers felt like they were bouncing off of an iron sky (I think the reference to that is in Ezekiel). When I was 24, after two back to back DUIs, I hit rock bottom and moved back in with my parents. I spent the next year working to pay off my probation, and while at work and home I read the entire Bible from cover to cover because I said "why am I asking God what he wants me to do, he's already said everything he's going to say right here in this book, I just have to read it for myself and listen.". So after that I felt called to attend the Baptist college in the town I was born in, and to pursue a Christian studies degree to really get the discipleship I needed, and to make up for the decade of wallowing with the pigs. In one of my upper level courses we had to write a "research" paper on a topic from a list. (I put research in quotations because the research was really just gathering loads of sources on the topic and forming and supporting an opinion with them, it wasn't research in the scientific sense). I chose to write on apostacy, and it was a damn good paper. I always wrote good papers ;). Using at least 15 sources from Christian publishers, and mounds of scripture, I supported my opinion that once saved always saved, because otherwise our free will would be more powerful than the power of God. I harped away about the necessity that if anyone could walk away from their faith, they must not have been really saved at all, and their apparent lack of faith was their own fault because if anyone truly seeks god with their whole heart they will find him, right? Another paper I did was Arminianism vs Calvinism, in which I buried Calvinism under a mountain of scripture, demolishing scripture with scripture hahaha. So I graduated in 2011 at 29 years old, and life trucked on. After going through the the gruelling 2 year process of desperately trying to to salvage my faith I realized that nobody actively chooses what to believe, it's simply a result of one of 2 things: indoctrination or education. I was indoctrinated so I believed in Jesus with my whole heart, so by that definition I was 100% saved. Then, because I educated myself on topics of cosmology, evolution, the origins of the Bible, and the origins of xtianity, I lost all of that belief. I didn't choose to lose it, it was simply a result of education, and what my brain naturally did with that information. SO! The irony, ohh the irony, that I am now an apostate myself, knowing full well that I was a genuine Christian, who held firm that our belief or disbelief was a matter of free will, is astounding to me. I seriously can't "believe" I got here. Anyone who knew me before, my whole family, would have no choice but to affirm that Calvinism has to be true if they knew that I have left the faith. They also would have to abandon their OSAS doctrine. If Christianity is true, then the ONLY reason I am not saved is because god has refused to grant me faith, and therefore created me for destruction. The Calvinist doctrine, something that Calvin himself wrote and that most Calvinists aren't aware of, explicitly states that the people who fall away are people to whom god has given just enough faith, a taste, to justify their damnation, because they wouldn't be able to be eternally punished for something they didn't know about. So god reveals just enough of himself to every person to qualify them for damnation, but to some, a tiny few, he gives faith enough to save them so they can glorify him for damning everyone else. I just don't even... Man. I guess I'll stop here because I could go on and on. 4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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