Loosing my religon

[Tenebrae]

Hey, long term lurker, first time poster. 

 

Sitting here thinking how do I best outline my journey.

 

Went through the whole conversion to christianity when I was a teenager. Thought It was the most amazing thing ever, I was serving in the church, part of the worship team.

 

Then I moved away from home at 18, moved to a new city to start my nursing training. On a night out i ended up getting attacked by a guy who lived in my colleage hall. The resulting downward spiral from the assault resulted in me loosing what few marbles I had. I dropped out of school and moved to another city. I spent the next few years bouncing in and out of the pysch ward, self harming and self destructing. I found myself wandering into a pagan path for several years which was fulfilling. I'm not sure if i discount the idea all together of a higher power, I think the concept of the christian god is like the parable of the blind men touching different parts of the elephant, each one convinced that their reality is the only reality. Paganism allowed me to adopt a more holistic view of the world. ake of ge

 

 

I got involved again in christianity. I made the mistake of accepting an invitation to a very charismatic Pentecostal church that was big in the shepherding/word of faith movement. I had what they would call a 'conversion experience'. In reality what happened was I was extremely lonely and surrounded by a bunch of people who love bombed the shit out of me and i thought i had found the most wonderful group of friends. 

 

Like all abusive groups once you are deemed to be a member, the love bombing stops and all of those 'friends' up and vanish like a fart in the wind. And information always travels up, never down. The pastor was incredibly gifted in the word of knowledge department. He had this way of speaking the truth into peoples lives that was uncannily accurate and must have come from god. The reality was that information that went up to the leaders got fed back to the church on a Sunday via so called 'words of knowledge' and prophecy. Many churches it seems arent in business of healing the sick and comforting the broken hearted, they want low maintenance members who can build the empire church and help spread the message and build the bank accounts of the pastors

 

Apparently I was too independent, too free thinking etc. After i got converted all I wanted to do was serve in church like i did when i was a kid. However i was told by one of the pastors that I needed more brainwashing to 'sit under the word of god for a bit longer"

 

As devastated as i was at the time, it made me easier to leave. 

 

Now as a nurse, I see much that I cant understand or explain or comprehend why a so called loving god would allow it. It just seems like if god exsists hes a fucking sadist who toys with the universe for his own amusement

 

10 years on from that here i sit, having lost my religion and am a much better person for it.

 

 

 

 

[disillusioned]

Welcome @Tenebrae! Glad you found your way out.

 

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I was involved in leadership at several charismatic evangelical/pentacostal churches. You're right about the word of knowledge bit. Disgusting,  in hindsight. 

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Welcome to X-Xian!, @Tenebrae! I feel like toxic churches often soak up and use up well meaning people who genuinely want to give to a community, all for the petty pursuit of influence, money, and power. I wish there were more secular opportunities to build and support communities! Thank you for sharing your story and I hope this website helps you as much as it helped me!

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome! Our culture gives churches an undeserved sense of dignity and respect. Churches are a branches of a cult with no god at the head, just manipulated believers that range from social to devoted. Most of us here took it very seriously indeed, only to find out later that it was never real, and we'd just responded to the people. Add to this mix the odd tendency of our brains to fill-in the missing god with feelings and experiences that seem to validate, all while never really doing anything like healing or providing rent money. Glad that you found your way out.

[TruthSeeker0]

Welcome!

[DanForsman]

Welcome Tenebrae. It sounds like you had a very rough start of your adult life and I'm sorry for that. I'm so glad you were able to get back on you feet. Congratulations though on getting your nursing degree and also on finding your way out of the cults of christianity you got into. Is everything pretty much ok now or are you still substantially struggling? Glad you here to keep us company.

[MOHO]

Welcome to Ex-C, @Tenebrae.

 

Glad you were able to reason your way out of the mind control. 

 

    - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own)

[MOHO]

On 10/26/2018 at 7:04 PM, Tenebrae said:

Apparently I was too independent, too free thinking etc. After i got converted all I wanted to do was serve in church like i did when i was a kid. However i was told by one of the pastors that I needed more brainwashing to 'sit under the word of god for a bit longer"

The fundy asshats even KNOW that logic, reason, and common sense will undermine the brain washing. This is evident in the fact that they  have these ready made antidotes that attempt to turn the victim back into the self indoctrination. 

 

"YOU are not spending enough time in the word!"

 

"NO, YOU are an asshat and you are abusive and you belong behind bars!"

[MamaCaz]

Hi ya!  I've never heard of the blind men/elephant parable before.  I googled it, love it, it's a great analogy!  And yes, discipleship indoctrination is necessary for one to become a leader.