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Dexter

My Deconversion - A Cruel Test

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37 minutes ago, Dexter said:

My roommates jaw was hanging and he just said, “THAT is some f***ed up shit!” And I actually let the raw madness of the story sink in for the first time as I actually felt it and felt crazy even recounting it. And all I could say was, “Yeah, it really is.”

The scary thing about growing up in it is that they brainwash you into thinking it's completely sensible without even questioning it.

 

Seems to me you're a very courageous and sincere person who is just trying to find your own values and make sense of the world. Keep it up!

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The most gruelling, emotionally draining journey... but so rewarding in the end.  Thanks for sharing your story, welcome :)

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Wow, what a story! Glad to have you on board.

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Wow. The moment of clarity about realizing that you were in fact the god you had been looking to was beyond deep. Beyond words. Thank you for sharing. 

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16 hours ago, Dexter said:

OP (for shortness)

 

Your story got me very emotional. You are very eloquent and I hope and truly look forward to your feedback in the future on all kinds of topics. You captured well the rainbow of emotions you experience when you begin the process of deconverting. The fear, the anger, the shame, the longing, the questions, depression almost....I was reliving my own story.

 

You and I are similar in many ways, except possibly that we might have some different wounds based on gender. We too were "true" believers, we rejected works based faith in favor of grace and there was very, very heavy Presbyterian influence so there was a TON of predestination and baby baptizing and god's sovereignty preached at us along with "total depravity" doctrine which fucks a person up. What is perhaps the most staggering, to me personally, is HOW LONG I was able to force down my doubts in a way that I did not even realize I was doubting. I brushed off things that sincerely bothered me, I quieted the questions, wrote off my critical thinking, and shushed the criticism of problematic doctrines. I remember even when I was YOUNG wondering why, in the bible, I was not supposed to covet because that is a sin, but that god was a "jealous god" who covets our worship. Oh well, I just don't understand like god does. I will spare you the details, of course, but I just wanted to know that your story really, really hit home with me, I can sincerely relate to it, even down the celibacy and faithfully waiting for god to bless for my restraint.  

 

Very emotional. As I said in my other post, it gets better. Things calm down, people either don't give a fuck, accept you, or they don't. You will be able to breathe again. You will feel peace again, albeit in a different way. Your wonder at the world will increase. The panic eases. The mental acrobatics you forced yourself to participate in to make things attempt to make sense to you go away, which is a relief and a freedom.

 

Many here will tell you that we feel free now, even though we always preached to others that Jesus broke us free from our chains. Feel free, Dexter! :D I know you still feel closeted in more ways than one, but just put one foot in front of the other, breathe, and let time to some of the healing. :)

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47 minutes ago, ag_NO_stic said:

I remember even when I was YOUNG wondering why, in the bible, I was not supposed to covet because that is a sin, but that god was a "jealous god" who covets our worship. Oh well, I just don't understand like god does. 

 

Because god is coveting something that should belong to him, of course ;) god is righteous in all things!  Just do as he says, not as he does.

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Thanks for sharing your story, Dexter. It was very moving. I'm sorry about all the struggles you've gone through, but I can relate to a good bit of it, and it's great to now have another one who now sees Christianity for what it truly is. I look forward to reading more from you. Good luck as you move on. 

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I relate to your story. Christianity was painful and sad and empty to me. I tried to please God but got nothing but emptiness and tears in return. I felt I was doing everything right.  But like you this happened. 

I truly felt love for God... I believed in all the bible said about Jesus. I even tried church but something was always missing, confusing or painful. Christians were snobs and awful to me.  I tried getting help... forums..Facebook and even a catholic councillor. Ended up with blame games back on me... I felt like a monster and ripped my mind apart trying to “correct” myself spiritually. For a time being I threw out all my manga, dvds and even stopped all non Christian hobbies and entertainment. This didn’t fulfill me either. I felt better being less worldly with this stuff but I felt no joy in my heart 

 

I dont feel feel like God is loving in any way or involved in our lives personally. I feel it’s all observation. 

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Thanks for sharing. My husband is an army vet- I think being able to move away and come back was key for us. 

 

Good luck to you. It gets better.

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I'd truly forgotten what an emotional roller coaster it was both in the few years before my deconversion, and what it was like, particularly in the beginning, when I actually became aware of how deep my doubts were, when I knew I was on my way out, and there was no other solution. Your story really brought that back, how difficult it was, how draining, confusing, everything. All the needless guilt and fear. Glad you've found your way here, and a belated welcome to ex-c!

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