PurpleLilac

god speaks...or does he.

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That was the huge crack in the wall for me. Sitting in the therapists office spilling my story about a narcissist father who was always hearing god for my life. And I realized that the bible is mostly men hearing from god who then tell people to go do stuff or stop doing stuff. 

The next big ah ha moment was when my oldest child tried to tell me she heard from god about a minor decision that needed to be made. I jolted back in my chair and barked at her to not say that to me. Took a deep breath and explained that if god told her something it was for *her* and not me. And again...I realized my words were in total contrast to most of scripture. I got on YouTube,fairly convinced whatever I found wasn’t going to stand up to thirty years of my religion and four year degree in bible college. I was wrong. It fell like a house of cards,the damn broke and I couldn’t take back what I had learned. The most important fact to me was finding out when the gospels were written in relation to the books supposedly written by Paul. I watched documentaries,Dawkins,Richard Carrier. Part of me felt like I was experiencing a death of someone I knew for my whole life. Part of me was so relived that hell isn’t real,that satan and demons aren’t real. That conditional love is damaging and destructive and wrong. I threw it all in the trash and started listening to “secular” music for the first time in my life. What was amazing to me at first was how god didn’t send me dreams or people or anything to woo me back. I realized that wasn’t going to happen. It’s only been six months since all this happened,so I still wonder about a lot of things. But I am So Much Happier now. I can be me and find out who that is and has been all this time. 

 

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It would appear that Jesus doesn't make people all that happy.

 

 

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I was all-in 100% into Pentacostalism where we all are told that God Speaks, Jesus Speaks, Holy Spirit Speaks, Angels can sometimes show up and speak to us (I was totally confused the whole time which one I was supposed to pray to, which one did what function and how to tell which one was speaking!!!!! Crazy Nutcase Religion). They are there to guide us EVERY step of the way and to keep us from harm of any kind!

 

As soon as I started seriously questioning everything the voices stopped.

Soooo the voices were who or what? My own mind? Other spiritual entities (Devil, Satan, Evil Spirits, The Great Spirit, the Creator of the Universe, aliens, other spirits???) Who knows. I may never know who or what it was/is.

 

I observed every time  that the "Still Small Voice" of God (the can barely hear him rubbish they taught) would NEVER speak up,  clearly, loud, intense and persistent enough to be heard, during times of stress, the really life/health threateneing decision times when my decision was very important and even critical; times of danger, scary things, harmful to physical health or safety times. The VERY time I needed help the most to steer me clear of anything life changing, permanently damaging,  negative.

 

Seems to me that a loving, compassionate, heavenly father would be there when the going got tuff. After this happening a gazillion  times it started the beginning of the end of my belief in a loving God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.  Sheesh why did they have three entities for us to try to deal with, communicate with, understand? Good god ONE is sufficient!!!  The fact that they need to have three should be enough to cause people to say WTF?

 

OK, rant over,. Just had to get that vented out instead of keeping it inside stewing!

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On 11/4/2018 at 2:14 PM, PurpleLilac said:

That was the huge crack in the wall for me. Sitting in the therapists office spilling my story about a narcissist father who was always hearing god for my life. And I realized that the bible is mostly men hearing from god who then tell people to go do stuff or stop doing stuff. 

Yep yep and yep...when I finally started reading the bible, it all came crashing down for me. My first reaction was largely, fuck it with this book written by men, about men abusing women etc.

On 11/4/2018 at 2:14 PM, PurpleLilac said:

The next big ah ha moment was when my oldest child tried to tell me she heard from god about a minor decision that needed to be made. I jolted back in my chair and barked at her to not say that to me. Took a deep breath and explained that if god told her something it was for *her* and not me. And again...I realized my words were in total contrast to most of scripture. I got on YouTube,fairly convinced whatever I found wasn’t going to stand up to thirty years of my religion and four year degree in bible college. I was wrong. It fell like a house of cards,the damn broke and I couldn’t take back what I had learned. The most important fact to me was finding out when the gospels were written in relation to the books supposedly written by Paul. I watched documentaries,Dawkins,Richard Carrier. Part of me felt like I was experiencing a death of someone I knew for my whole life. Part of me was so relived that hell isn’t real,that satan and demons aren’t real. That conditional love is damaging and destructive and wrong. I threw it all in the trash and started listening to “secular” music for the first time in my life. What was amazing to me at first was how god didn’t send me dreams or people or anything to woo me back. I realized that wasn’t going to happen. It’s only been six months since all this happened,so I still wonder about a lot of things. But I am So Much Happier now. I can be me and find out who that is and has been all this time. 

 

Your story is pretty similar. I had a lot of build up of cognitive dissonance but wasn't really aware of just how precarious the foundation of my beliefs was. So when it was pulled out, it was almost like an overnight transformation. It also sounds like you haven't had too much trouble taking in the truth or reality of the situation, ie hell hasn't continued to have any grip over you. I know a lot of people continue to struggle with this, so I'm just relieved it isn't me.

I have plenty of dreams though, and some of them still revolve around my life and people I knew in the church, and I'm always extremely annoyed with them, but never would I mistake them as any sort of messages.

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My brother has helped me a lot. He came out 11 hrs ago as both gay and atheist so he has wandered this path for a lot longer than I. 

The thing I struggle with the most is the realization that I can’t pray my family into health or safety on the roads etc. I can do my best to keep my children safe and hope my husband drives safety to work. Fate has a hand in my life now. 

 

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On 11/4/2018 at 11:14 AM, PurpleLilac said:

Part of me was so relived that hell isn’t real,that satan and demons aren’t real.

And thank goodness for that! It took me a long time to really feel it even after I cognitively understood that hell isn't real.

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