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Questioningone

No fulfilment, no friends, no answered prayers..nothing

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I grew up going to church (Presbyterian) and called myself a Christian. I was treated differently at school and didn’t have any close friends who were trustworthy or like me in any way. I was quiet and hated by everybody. I had a friend for a brief period but she was fake. (I was 13) . 

 

I became a real Christian around 2013. I tried church and I tried forums and Facebook. Gained no friends and gained no happiness. I tried so much... 

 

Christianity has hurt me so badly. I was treated bad at all churches..... so much cliques and no one was nice to me. They excluded me, hated me and even turned their backs on me. Lots of unspoken laws and hatred amongst the women to me. No one even sat next to me. 

 

I felt nothing but sadness and exclusion as a Christian and had no answered prayers. No one wanted a thing to do with me. I was confused, upset and angry at God and why he didn’t help me. I didn’t ask for wealth or riches but to be a better Christian and to have Christian friends. 

 

I joined Christian forums and just got attacked and felt more pain and exclusion from other Christians. I joined Christianforums.com and worthychristianforums and probably others. I even joined bible studies. Somehow I could never finish the bible or read much of it. I tried for years. Something always went wrong.. couldn’t keep reading as I felt upset or my eyes blurred. ISomething always went wrong! This lead to more guilt and pain inside me and a feeling of anger from God. 

I prayed morning and evening. I donated money (all from my heart) and tried to forgive others (didn’t work). I offered to others to forgive me as well. I even felt attacked by the devil and had nightmares of being attacked by him. I could never get into study or find support from anybody. Some Christians even called me in other words...mentally sick and mad... 

 

I wasn’t trying to be legalistic but tried my best to remove worldly things as I felt a “lead” to do. This ended up with me being told off by a catholic and others online. I even got told off for going to to church by not praying for one first...and another for not going as the bible says to and I’m “neglecting the fellowship”. I also was told off and confused regarding baptism. In other words I’d be going to hell without it. I had conflicting answers from Christians regarding many issues. I felt confused so much. Even videos suggested things which left me upset and more confused... regarding forgiveness, he’ll and many subjects 

 

Answers from others Christians involved angry responses about treating God like a genie and not having enough faith and even curse words. 

 

This isn’t all of my story but you’re welcome to read my forum posts on these forums if I remember my username. 

 

I tried all I could.  I felt no completion. I remember hearing on the radio 

“life as a Christian is falling down and constantly getting back up again” 

also on a topic  I read “When God doesn’t always fulfil... and that’s ok” 

 

I never felt joy or felt I got to the “peak” of what a Christian is. That loving relationship between God and I.. knowing the bible and having fellowship.  

 

Stuck on feeling empty and alone

 

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Also want to add he doesn’t stop my abuser or help me find a way out as I have tried to make attempts to leave but it hasn’t worked. I’ve cried many nights over this 

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Hello, your account on christianforums isn't visible to us here, likely due to your settings, but I just have this to say. You aren't alone. I don't know where exactly you sit in regards to your beliefs about Christianity, but I can tell you that Christians are no better than other people out there when it comes to being hateful, spiteful, unkind, ungenerous, or judgemental. Behaviour has much more to do with the individual person in question than their religious beliefs.

 

If you're really suffering, I would recommend finding a therapist, and not a Christian one, that will not help at this point in time.

It's possible to heal from the past, as nasty and hurtful as it has been for you. (Hugs).

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Welcome Questioningone. Glad that you found Ex-c. I think you'll find that you are not alone in how you feel.  There's a great gang here that knows how you feel. Stay awhile and make some friends! Keep reading and posting. One nice thing about being on this forum is you can be yourself. You don't have to live up to any expectations as you did in the church or with god. So let it hang out! Someone is always here to help you. Get a really good therapist to help you through some of the tough issues (not a christian one!!) and post on this board all you want. It's a nice little home here at Ex-c. Hang in there. The anger will get better over time. Take your time. Just know that we understand the isolation of being a non-believer. Keep posting hon.

 

((hug))

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10 minutes ago, Questioningone said:

Thanks. I appreciate that. I did try counselling but have no luck with that. :( 

Well, hang around with us for a while and see how you do. There are hundreds of testimonies to read. You will be able to understand that you are not alone. But we here at Ex-c can only share with you our own experiences. Christianity can really screw some people up (did me!) and we here on the board can't help some people who have real bad problems because we are not therapists.  That's why we always recommend for anyone to see if they can't find a good therapist to talk to. Try looking up Marlene Winelle. She is a therapist and has some courses online that are very helpful when people are deconverting. There are stages that most of us go through. Anger is one of them. She can help guide you. Very worth looking into.

 

But we can make suggestions for you. So keep posting all your worries and concerns. The gang here are so very helpful.

 

(hug)

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35 minutes ago, Questioningone said:

Thanks. I appreciate that. I did try counselling but have no luck with that. :( 

I would keep looking for a therapist, until you find the right one. Have a preliminary interview with possible therapists, to see how well they understand the consequences of what is in many of our cases, Religious Trauma Syndrome

 

https://journeyfree.org/rts/

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I have no desire to have friends I want to be complacent on my own. At that time I really had wanted them. And no, I didn’t force friends I was myself. I can’t relate to Christian people or find Christianity is fulfilling or right for me anymore 

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10 hours ago, Questioningone said:

I have no desire to have friends I want to be complacent on my own. At that time I really had wanted them. And no, I didn’t force friends I was myself. I can’t relate to Christian people or find Christianity is fulfilling or right for me anymore 


Questioningone, I see reflections of my own story with Christianity in your testimonial.  I was sucked into the church at age 19 for the very same reason, because I wanted friends.  Like you, I experienced all manner of rejection and pain merely for the crime of being myself, for not fitting into a certain mold.  For almost 10 years I tried the same formula of wanting to fit into the church community and failed, suffering everything that you have.  When you build relationships around the fairy tale of religion, expect those friendships to be as much of a fantasy.  Now that I think about it, I didn't really have anything in common with those people and they weren't that great after stripping off the veneer of faith.  Christians market themselves as the pinnacle of desirability when they actually rank near the bottom (with some exceptions of course).

The friendships that I have now are concrete and based on real world dynamics and interests.  I have had to learn to live and be fulfilled on my own before I got to that level, which seems like something you are aiming for. I do have a question though, how long have you been a non believer (or agnostic as your profile states)?  Have you had time to explore interacting with others outside the church?  I'm sorry that you're feeling as alone as you are.

 



 

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Hmm seems like my story was misunderstood. I went to church to get closer to God and to form fellowship as the bible says. I wasn’t friends focused. I was trying to be a Christian. I believed in all the bible said and wanted to attend. 

Only been agnostic for a short term. Hence my username I’m thinking about the inconsistencies of the bible, unanswered prayers of my life and lots of different things 

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22 minutes ago, Questioningone said:

Hmm seems like my story was misunderstood. I went to church to get closer to God and to form fellowship as the bible says. I wasn’t friends focused. I was trying to be a Christian. I believed in all the bible said and wanted to attend. 

Only been agnostic for a short term. Hence my username I’m thinking about the inconsistencies of the bible, unanswered prayers of my life and lots of different things 

 

What secular interests and hobbies did you have when you were younger or currently have?

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1 hour ago, Questioningone said:

Hmm seems like my story was misunderstood. I went to church to get closer to God and to form fellowship as the bible says. I wasn’t friends focused. I was trying to be a Christian. I believed in all the bible said and wanted to attend. 

Only been agnostic for a short term. Hence my username I’m thinking about the inconsistencies of the bible, unanswered prayers of my life and lots of different things 

I reread your post to be sure that I wasn't missing anything.  It seems your primary focus was on how Christians treated you hence why people here might misinterpret your story.

 

Fellowship or friendship, regardless of what your focus was you were still treated badly by fellow believers.  This in itself poses a problem as people supposedly undergo sanctification (as per Presbyterian jargon), a transformation towards being more Christ like that never seems to happen.  

 

As far as inconsistencies in the bible, unanswered prayers, etc you aren't going to get many answers from them except for mental gymnastics.  Christianity just fails at every possible level.

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19 minutes ago, Questioningone said:

I was never able to be fully transformed. This frustrated me. 

There is no transformation,  as you experienced, Christians are subject to the same behaviors as nonbelievers.  It's not to say that some people can't do good deeds in the name of their faith but so can atheists just for the sake of doing good.  We can work and change ourselves by our own efforts, praying to a god isn't going to accomplish that.  Don't feel frustrated, feel empowered.   The type of person you want to be is in your own hands.

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Shame. I tried so hard. I felt more confusion, angry and pain as a Christian than before I became one. I think I was going insane!

I can’t call myself one anymore. If there is a God he isn’t a loving kind. I believe there is is something but not the Christian God. So much inconsistencies in the bible, things don’t add up...suffering in the world doesn’t add up. If there is any questions all they can say is “only God knows that” or some stupid response which leaves me more frustrated. Nothing adds up. I’ve done research and listened to many sermons and also radio stations for several years. I was right into it all. Nothing made sense to me at all... it just doesn’t compute for me. I didn’t understand why God didn’t help me. All people could say is “you’re not helping yourself” or “God is helping, you have to do the rest” “stop blaming God” and other annoying as hell Christian statements they all say. 

I sacrificed and put my ladder up for God.. he never came down. I gave him ALL of me. I was a shell of myself. I had no identity. I devoted myself and heart to God. I wanted to love him with my whole heart and soul. Nothing became of it all. My life didn’t improve or did my spiritual life become something full of joy and hope. I wasn’t smiling and having the same statements as other Christian women.. I wondered what was wrong with me. 

It was a shell of nothing. Absolute NOTHING. I couldn’t get help anywhere without more blame on me... I even sought exorcism at one point. I tried self exorcism. I tried fasting. I even considered online Christian counselling but couldn’t afford it.

I even tried Christian meditation as well!

 

enough of this s*** I’m done. It started around 2013 and I’m through with this. I was going mad. 

 

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On 11/24/2018 at 5:58 PM, Questioningone said:

I was never able to be fully transformed. This frustrated me. 

Welcome, Questioningone! If it makes you feel any better, no Christian is "fully transformed" (and the ones that enthusiastically say they are are usually the most unethical and selfish ones). Besides, there isn't really even a consensus on what it means to be transformed. There's a lot of theological back-and-fourth on this issue as Christians grapple with the fact that they feel like they should be different from their pre-christian state but aren't, and so subsequently redefine the "transformation" as something abstract enough that it's impossible to actually confirm whether or not it actually happened (Other than an enthusiastic insistence that it happened).

 

It takes a lot of honesty and courage to admit it when something isn't working. I see this as a good thing. Welcome to X-Xian and I hope this place helps!

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@Questioninggone, I am so sorry you had to endure and feel all this!

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On 11/23/2018 at 2:51 PM, Questioningone said:

Also want to add he doesn’t stop my abuser or help me find a way out as I have tried to make attempts to leave but it hasn’t worked. I’ve cried many nights over this 

 

Here's the number for the National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Don't use a shared computer to contact them as computer use can be tracked. You might need a burner phone or burner app. They can help you find a way out of this.

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I was also ostracized and attacked by the adults in Christian churches. The women were the worst, they would literally turned their backs on me and they had very nasty mouths.

 

As an adult I lack the social skills to befriend people even though I don't ever discuss the church. I haven't had a female friend for twenty five years. I lack the social skills to understand how to connect with others as I am not going to replicate Christian behaviors.

 

Women are the hardest people in the world but Christian women are the bitches.

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     I hate to say it but you kind of brought this on yourself.  Now, this sort of sounds like victim blaming but hear me out.  Have you ever been at some sort of show or presentation where they're doing something on stage and you get taken out of the moment because you start to wonder things like "How did they do that?"  And then you might stop watching the actual show as you put you mind to work on the mechanics of the show instead?  So while others are watching the theatrics you're watching the mechanics?  You're all watching the same thing but now for different reasons?  So if you start asking questions to those around you you'll start getting answers like "Shut up and just watch."  They don't care how it works just that it works.  But it's not working for you.  You might still be able to enjoy the show but even once it's over you have nagging questions that those people won't care about and won't care to talk about.  They'll talk about the spectacle but not how it works and you'll be pushed out if you bring it up and worse, if you figure things out and try to explain it or ruin the illusion for them.

 

     Whether you're trying to embrace the religion to its fullest or you've pushed it aside altogether it requires examining it thoroughly.  Not just watching the spectacle but seeing how it all works and whether it's working properly.  Whether you're seeing the right show.  This isn't what people want.  They just want fan service.  They just want to talk about the show.  How wonderful it is.  How they like this or that.  How it makes them feel when they go.  All that.  You, as did the rest of us, made the fatal error of wanting something more.

 

          mwc

 

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Hang in there. You'll do fine. Realize it's totally up to you to feel, be, act, experience BETTER!!! Happiness is right around your corner. I have found that meditating, simple meditation every day watching my breath go in and out, will help you see the beauty that is within you. Then you will be able to see clearly and start living again!!! No worries...it will all get better. This type of experience is common to many people and that is also reassuring. It's nothing wrong with you. It's the "chuch" machine. It's made like that. If you don't speak the proper Christianeze you will get discredited!!! Hope this helps. Appreciate LIFE, live LIFE, choose to squeeze LIFE from every drop of it, and you'll do fine. Blessings.

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On 11/23/2018 at 5:36 PM, Margee said:

Well, hang around with us for a while and see how you do. There are hundreds of testimonies to read. You will be able to understand that you are not alone. But we here at Ex-c can only share with you our own experiences. Christianity can really screw some people up (did me!) and we here on the board can't help some people who have real bad problems because we are not therapists.  That's why we always recommend for anyone to see if they can't find a good therapist to talk to. Try looking up Marlene Winelle. She is a therapist and has some courses online that are very helpful when people are deconverting. There are stages that most of us go through. Anger is one of them. She can help guide you. Very worth looking into.

 

But we can make suggestions for you. So keep posting all your worries and concerns. The gang here are so very helpful.

 

(hug)

I know I'm late to this posting but I just found you all this past weekend and am reading through as much as I can. Margee, thank you so much for the lead on Marlene Winelle - looking up her online courses will be my next step. I hope the OP was able to find the help they were looking for. This is such a tough process...

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Welcome, Jenni:

When ever you are ready feel free to start your own thread and share anything you feel like sharing. We're good listeners. 

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