jupiter789 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Hi all! Third times the charm I suppose! I've lurked about in the shadows for awhile now, but this post is my first. I would've written a wholly unfuckingholy diatribe the night I first signed up, so it may be a good thing that you have to wait for them to verify your membership. The next time I sat down to write this post, I burst into tears. So, third time around, it's still a bit surreal to be here. My de-conversion from Christianity didn't happen overnight. It was more like a stepping down of levels. I was raised by fundamentalist Christians. They aren't as conservative and awful as some, but I was ridiculously sheltered. They sent me to Christian schools - except we moved to a smallish town when I was in Middle School, and I got to go to public school there. I also went to public school my senior year of high school - too much bullying and bullshit and even my parents figured it was best not to send me back to the protestant hell school I attended the last three years. I would've set the damn bathroom on fire to get expelled, and I think my Dad knew I wasn't bluffing. Anyhow, fundie high school to local college I went. My Dad threw a shit fit when I wanted to go away to school, and insisted I live at home. He won. They had not prepared me to fend for myself, so I was helpless at that age to do any different. Not to mention, I was terrified of being thrown out of my family. It was the go to threat, along with - you don't own anything of your own. It took me three different tries and about a decade to earn my bachelor's degree. Go Mom and Dad, that one worked out really well!!! Meh, I have a BA with an emphasis in History ---- which leads me to how my whole belief structure completely fell apart embarrassingly recently. It's OK - that's the best part of my story if you ask me! Now I'm mostly free. I used to joke that the worst mistake my Dad made was letting me learn how to read. Then he let me loose with a library card of my own in a decently sized public library. I read all sorts of books that I hid with a sort of anxiety that still haunts me today. I gathered information. I started examining all the things that didn't add up. I realized I was completely OK with knowing the Bible is absolutely not infallible. I honestly can't believe anybody can get themselves to believe that horseshit. It's utterly astounding to me. I mean, not everyone I know is stupid - right? I decided that Paul must be the anti-Christ because he completely fucks up the NT. If it really came down to blows, I could stand by my belief against my family that the Bible has been completely altered by man. See where this is going. I know some of you do. Fast forward to a few months ago. I don't know why it took me so long to really examine this part of the fallacy. Jesus isn't fucking real. Uh, neither is Moses for that part. But, no Jesus never existed. I've read all sorts of different baloney accounts of Jeshua, Joshua, Isha, Ishua, passages that hint that Jesus could've studied Buddhism - where did he go for all those missing years. after all? Well, there are no missing years because he never fucking existed. All of this "historicity" of Jesus has been lies upon fabricated lies. The more you look into it, the more it completely falls to pieces!!!!!! HE ISN'T REAL!!!! So, Jesus isn't real. Hell was created by man (I was already almost at that belief, but knocking Jesus out of the picture - yeah, they can take their hell and just shove it right up their.....) All of it was designed for social control. All of it! Yeah, here's why it may have been a good thing that I didn't get to post the night I signed up. Sorry for all the cursing. I just can't quite get over how angry I really am. I mean I'm pissed off on a deeply betrayed level. I do not know how you move on from this. I've actually been flipping off churches as I pass them, and I live in the Midwest - they are everywhere. The best part of my story, though(sarcasm), is if I so much as hint to my fundamentalist family that I don't think Jesus and hell exist - they will intervention me until they have to cut me off. I will never go back to such ignorance, and I don't see them relinquishing theirs. This part is incredibly hard for me. I have 6 (will be 7) nieces and nephews. I have to stay in the family long enough to help them. My biggest fear is that one of these poor kids will be gay. I identify as bisexual. Oh yeah, that's another one that I'd rather never come out. However, I'd rather my family know about my bisexuality than that I don't think Jesus and hell are real. I am quite serious about that, again, I am much more comfortable arguing that the Bible has been altered - not completely made up! I'm not ready to give up my family either! I feel they will take that choice away from me if I am not careful. As sick as it is, one of the reasons I haven't been in any hurry to have kids (maybe ever) is that I can't have them influencing my kid!!!! So how do you cope. How do you get over the anger? I realized recently that I can stop being angry and still disagree with everything they stand for. I will never condone such a terrible religion ever again. I'm trying to let go of the anger, but man, I just turned 38. I want the lost time back. I want to be raised by a different family that wouldn't have pushed such ridiculous fucking nonsense! I'm a chic! What they call a conservative upbringing, I now loudly decry as repression, repression, repression!!!!! I know none of us get to go back and redo anything. I have to accept that fact. However, I will look to the future now in a whole new way. Don't get me wrong, it is so freeing, so exhilarating! I do still believe in God. I guess now I am my own religion. I believe the worst thing Man ever did was to personify God. God is God is God is God. How dare we make God into well what we have! In all actuality, I believe it is God telling me not to be angry with those who personify God in such terrible ways. God is love - hey that one's actually true. But God's love doesn't look anything like the Christian dream of God's love. God just is. God is everything - by that line of thinking we are Gods or at least extensions of God because God is everything. We are all part of one great big whole. It doesn't matter if there is any sort of afterlife. We didn't exist, then we did, then we don't. But others still will until, I don't know, Black Hole Sun or the universe shrinks in on itself (that was my attempt to site a couple of theories I definitely do not really understand - Physics is fascinating, but really not my subject.) So it is OK that for now I just fucking am. I am, I am, I am - yeah there may be some nuggets of truth scattered throughout the Bible. My Dad who self identifies as a prophet, (oh yes, he's one of those) said something in a youth group session years ago that he doesn't remember saying, but I will never forget. He said "what's the best way to hide the truth, chop it up in little bits and scatter it across the world." He swears he never said that. I'll swear, that's what I heard until I die. It doesn't matter. I heard what I needed to hear. Even though I do still believe in God, I have been watching all of the skeptic and atheist youtube videos that I can. I really really like AronRa. He is a personal hero to me at this point, and I would love to talk to him in person. I never would've guessed that someone who identifies as an atheist could bring me more peace and comfort than any of the supposed "holy" men that I have listened to over the years. He is an incredible person, and I am deeply grateful for what he brings to our world. We need more people to be so brave. I know there are others I have been watching, reading lately, but I feel I've ranted on and on enough. Thank you for this community. I hope to gather myself enough over time to engage in reasoned conversation with you all. Again, thanks for reading my rant. I'd say you have no idea how much I've needed a place to vent some of this, but I know that a lot of you do. And there I go tearing up again. Take care ya'll. Peace 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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