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God's project


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He looked at the universe slowly rotating in the glass bowl in front of Him and sighed. 

"Dear, are you still stressing over that project?" 

God looked up as His wife walked over "Yes dear, I just can't get this life thing to work properly. It's driving me crazy!" 

"Have you tried leaving it and coming back later? Maybe fresh eyes in the morning?" 

"I've left it for 300 million years, if that wasn't long enough I don't think another day will help." 

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" 

"I tried making life stupid. Just eat, sleep and reproduce, but it's just so boring. You can't teach them or have a chat. So I went ahead and made an intelligent species but as soon as they figured out rocks are hard they started bashing each others heads in with them."

"Have you tried tweaking their community and empathy levels?" 

"Of course. That just resulted in them forming gangs and eventually armies. If anything it made the violence worse." 

"Well, what about teaching them not to kill? Surely they would listen to your commands?" 

"You would think so but they just twist what I say as excuses for more violence. I say 'thou shalt not kill' and they say 'hey those guys over there aren't listening, lets kill them!'" 

"Well, what about turning up with one of your avatars? Maybe hearing from a physical being who looks like them might be more convincing?" 

God sighed again "Tried that. They murdered the avatar and that set off centuries of bloody warfare."

He slowly wandered to the fridge lost in thought. He grabbed a beer before sitting back down at the table. He idlely poked a star causing a bright pin point of supernova, before the expanding conflagration engulfed the rest of the solar system and winked back into darkness. 

"Why don't you ask that nice chap next door? I've heard he was good at this game."

"Allah? Nah, that guys got a screw loose. Last time he sent his avatar down he caused constant warfare. The guy even made his avatar fly on a custom made pegasus and broke all the universal laws to have him split a planet with a sword. He crashed the whole game and they had to do a server roll back to a previous restore point. I think he was banned after that."

"What about your bowling buddies? Zeus, Ra or that lovely Zenu chap?" 

"They're not really into it. They had a brief go, but they got bored after a while and never came back to it." 

He motioned to His wife to look closely at one of the planets orbiting a distant star. "See here? This was my original design for a human. I evolved them from crabs, so they had a hard carapace, four arms, and could survive on land or water. They had eye stalks for 360 degree vision and bred quickly by fertilised egg sack. I had thought that making them the ultimate survivors would make them respect life, but they were just as territorial and quick to anger as my later attempts."

He took a long drink before refocusing the attention back to Earth. 

"This is the newer design. I went the complete opposite direction. No natural armour or weapons, can't fly, limited eyesight, practically night blind, not great swimmers or climbers and put them at the bottom of the food chain. End result is they still drew imaginary lines in the dirt and threated harm on those who would cross it. I made the planet big enough for huge numbers of them, only to have them war over who owns what piece of empty space."

She studied the little planet for awhile before pointing to the bustling cities. "It doesn't seem that bad. There's millions of them just living and loving." 

He looked where she pointed "humpf, half of them think I'm wasting my time following everything they do while another portion thinks the same thing of Allah. More and more are finally waking up to the fact they are on their own world and they need to sort their own shi... I mean stuff, out. I've given up trying to have them make sense, but maybe if I remain hands off long enough they'll forget about my past interference and finally get some peace."

"That's nice dear, but, err, what is that thing?" she said pointing to Africa. 

"I call it a giraffe. Do you like it?" 

"Sure it's pretty but I think you over did it on the sizing tool. That thing is massive! And what is with the antenna on it's head?" 

"I gave it some cute little horns..." 

"They don't look like horns, they're fuzzy! And why does it have camouflage? It's like trying to hide a building by painting it sky blue." 

God shrugged "I had a few random tests, check out the bum on those baboons." 

"Hmm.. I see you got rid of those fuzzy elephants in favour of shaved ones? I really liked those." 

"I played with the ice age expansion pack for a while but my licence ran out so I had to reset to temporate." 

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I want to know who licenses the software to God...

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