mich

Divorce

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Can anyone give any divorce advice? We are completely incompatible. This isn't an overnight decision. Much time and effort has gone into the process. I cannot be happy with him making major decisions for me for the rest of my life (woman subjugation, he is still very religious). I cannot ever be happy with him over me. And he will never be happy with anything but being over me. I am not talking piddly stuff. He took over my finances, and that of my children (i was a widow with settlement income due to the death of my first). I have to get permission (or not) to get to use my own money. He moved me hundreds of miles away from family and friends , and children (teens at the time, one handicapped, now deceased) 15 years ago. Such a long story. I don't even know where to begin this process. But i've got to get out. It drives me to suicidal tendancies, extreme anxiety to where i can hardly function...feel free to pm me if you have any advice. 

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Sorry, but it seems the answer is rather obvious. Cut your losses and get away.

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That money situation!  Oh hell no!

 

Do not let him have that money. 

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Get a GOOD divorce lawyer and let them advise you ASAP.

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@mich,

 

If you live in the Bible Belt you might consider divorcing in another state. The judge might not take too kindly to your lack of submission. 

 

just say'n. 

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37 minutes ago, MOHO said:
39 minutes ago, MOHO said:

@mich,

 

If you live in the Bible Belt you might consider divorcing in another state. The judge might not take too kindly to your lack of submission. 

 

just say'n. 

Funny, the bible belt is actually home, where i am trying ro get back to...not because it's the bible belt though, lol. Can you actually divorce in a different state than where you live?

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 I want to be out from under this roof when he finds out that i want a divorce. But, someone had told me that i couldn't leave first or that would be counted as abandonment on my part and go against me in the divorce. I have my 2 youngest children 12 and 15 who i would want to take with me. I want to make it as smooth as possible for their sakes. I would ultimately be going to my home state, 500 miles away. I do plan on getting a lawyer, just wasn't sure what to expect. I guess hearing anyone else's divorce stories might help. 

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Get good legal advice before doing anything.

 

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As everyone else has said, you need legal advice from an attorney who is familiar with the laws in your area. Now if he's controlling all your money and would know if you are paying a lawyer, you might consider finding the local women's shelter. There you can find help and advice without him being able to find out.

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6 hours ago, older said:

There you can find help and advice without him being able to find out.

Thanks. I didn't consider that option. Yes, he keeps very close tabs on the money, and unfortunately my whereabouts. 

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One of my problems, that i am slowly working through, is caring what everone else thinks, not wanting to hurt him, and the children, and not wanting people to think bad of me...but it's really too late for that...i lost my previous friends and family due to my behavior based on the beliefs, and when i left the church a year ago (after 30 years), i lost that community.....

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15 hours ago, mich said:

Funny, the bible belt is actually home, where i am trying ro get back to...not because it's the bible belt though, lol. Can you actually divorce in a different state than where you live?

 

I reckon you'd have to live for for a time first.

Get legal advice. 

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It sounds like you need someone who can help support you through the process. Do you have any family who would be able to assist or perhaps a close friend? 

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I have a couple of old friends that i dug up from the past that i talk to occassionally, it helps but i was out of the real world for 30 years so it is hard

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You could take a look at a book -Joy Unspeakable by Joy Hopper on Amazon. She was on this site just telling her story about deconversion and writing responses for probably a year (as Undercover, I think) when in the course of some exchanges realized her husband was patriarchal to the point or emotionally abusive and decided she wanted out in spite of the long history and 5 children (some about the age  that yours are now). It starts with her growing up story but goes all the way to current. If you wanted to pm with her I could check with her about that. She needed a plan to make sure she stayed safe when she informed her husband and separated. You should always be careful when dealing with possessive husbands who think patriarchy is just correct.

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http://new.exchristian.net/2015/05/joy-unspeakable-part-10-submission-101.html#disqus_thread    

This story by undercover agnostic 4 years ago on the main blog here brought over 100 comments. About 20 or 25 comments down undercover and other commenters began discussing whether divorce might not be more realistic that continuing in a marriage that was overwhelmingly one sided and emotionally damaging even if her husband had improved since they had first married so many years ago. 

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DEFINITELY talk to someone at a safe house (women's shelter).  Someone as possessive as your husband may get physical, if he hasn't already.  Or he might use the children in some way to manipulate you.  I would talk to people at the shelter before going to an attorney. 

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He's an abuser.  Taking over your finances is a massive red flag.

 

Google "Domestic abuse safety plan" and then clear your Internet history so that it does not show up in your recently-accessed files.  Do not, under any circumstances, let him know that you are planning anything as it will increase the danger.  Get copies of all important papers and keep them in a safe location outside the house.

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1. Consult a lawyer

2. Follow the lawyers advice!!!

3. Develop a well thought out plan to leave. 

4. Do not disclose your plan to anyone 

5. Make a mental decision to not give a flying fuck about what ANYONE thinks about you leaving. 

6. Execute the plan 

 

 

 

 

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On 12/19/2018 at 7:39 PM, DanForsman said:

You could take a look at a book -Joy Unspeakable by Joy Hopper on Amazon. She was on this site just telling her story about deconversion and writing responses for probably a year (as Undercover, I think) when in the course of some exchanges realized her husband was patriarchal to the point or emotionally abusive and decided she wanted out in spite of the long history and 5 children (some about the age  that yours are now). It starts with her growing up story but goes all the way to current. If you wanted to pm with her I could check with her about that. She needed a plan to make sure she stayed safe when she informed her husband and separated. You should always be careful when dealing with possessive husbands who think patriarchy is just correct.

Thank you, i would love to be able to contact her. I'll have to check out her book. 

My hub is not physically abusive, but brainwashed into certain ways of thinking. He can't seem to understand my dire situation. He just looks at me like i am crazy when we do have serious talks...and i guess i look at him the same way....

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As a number of concerned responders have said your husband though not really that bad by your present estimation is in fact over the line in terms of his controlling behavior and you should be hyper aware of the possibility that he could become danderous at any time in this process. Sure your husband has been brainwashed but that does not in any way  excuse him from responsibility for totally unacceptable behavior. Besides controling and dominating behaviors he seems to have stalking tendencies. This man believes you are a possession of his and he could decide to fight for what belongs to him. All you need to do is be aware that there is a possibility for violence even though your husband may not have any history of it so you don't get blindsided as so many women do every day right here in the USA. I contacted Joy and asked her to look at your thread here. Joy's story has a happy ending, she was not harmed in the process of leaving and I believe she is safe now but Joy faced the possible dangers head on and was proactive in protecting herself and her children before informing her husband of her intentions.

PS           You will have to make a realistic plan for the numerous practical matters necessary for living on your own of course such as finding a place to stay, locating schools for your younger children and finding that all important source of income. Nevertheless it will be worth the effort. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been treated. I'm glad you've decided put and end to it. You are most definately doing the right thing for yourself and the rewards will be well worth the cost.

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On 1/2/2019 at 1:33 AM, offtheromanroad said:

How are you, mich?

 

Better, thx. Sorry for the long delay. I have a hard time getting through the holidays. Things are currently ok. He is working with me, not standing in my way of doing what I feel like I need to do, learning to walk beside me as opposed to being over me. Maybe he just needs some deprogramming time.

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On ‎1‎/‎13‎/‎2019 at 3:05 AM, mich said:

 

Better, thx. Sorry for the long delay. I have a hard time getting through the holidays. Things are currently ok. He is working with me, not standing in my way of doing what I feel like I need to do, learning to walk beside me as opposed to being over me. Maybe he just needs some deprogramming time.

 

Thanks for your reply. Happy to hear that things seem okay right now. But please watch out for yourself. Do I understand correctly that he also deconverted?

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21 hours ago, offtheromanroad said:

 

But please watch out for yourself. 

 

Ditto!

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